wedding ?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by house of cards, Jan 20, 2009.

  1. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    How would you handle a wedding reception with young children? My oldest is getting married. My future daughter in law believes that only my oldest are attending, they are 22 and 16. The kids in question are 10,will just be 9 and just be 4. They are all difficult child's in one way or another.

    I am trying to be reasonable and not freak out because it is her day and all but I never heard of the siblings of the couple not invited to the wedding reception. My husband finally spoke up and I received a terse reply that it is
    ok if they come but can I just let her know how many will be coming as space is limited. Previous to this I was asked if there was anyone we wanted to invite as there was extra space.

    We are not paying for this wedding but have contributed $2,000.00 towards it although I don't believe that should matter.

    Anyway, the pain this has caused me is deep and I was just wondering if any of you thought that it is reasonable to not have the siblings there. It is complicated by the fact that the excluded kids would be all of my adopted kids....except A who is a flower girl in the wedding but also not invited to the reception. It is also maddening to me when I found out that the other flower girl(a cousin of the bride) is invited to all.

    I am thinking that I will take all but the 4 yos, I would have liked to take them as well and just have them taken away when they got antsy (which they will because it will be their nap time), but in this environment I'm thinking it is best they don't show up at the reception at all...they won't really know what they are missing but the others will.

    And I expect to smile through this day and put on the show of my life.
  2. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I would be extremely hurt. And I would take all my kids to a siblings wedding. The entire wedding. The kids are connecting with a new sister in law. The entire family should be involved. If she doesn't want them there because of space for dinner, pick them up or have them dropped off after dinner to enjoy the reception.
    I just would not agree to this. What does your son say? How old is he?
  3. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Thank you for your reply, I am really struggling with this. My son is 24 and he and I have had problems ever since he started spending the night at her house(with her parents) and I told him he was expected to get home, no curfew just at some point in the night. He told me he was 21 (at the time) and moved out 2 months earlier then was planned so he could continue to do what she wanted.

    I married a controlling man and it has been hard to find enough room to exist with him thru the years, at 1 point I told my son that I thought she was controlling and that it isn't easy to live with that, I did add that maybe it would be different for him because he would have his work as an outlet for just himself where as I was at home full time.. I've had my son visit exactly 1 time since that conversation with out her being with him. She reads his e-mail, is right at the phone often telling him what to say, you get the picture. She is controlling. He lets her. At this point in his life I think he likes it. I know at one point I did.

    She has a lot of very good qualities as well and I can see his attraction to her, if he is happy and he seems to be very happy with her, I can accept his choice. I said what I needed to say and I have let it go as far as their relationship. I was hurt and sad that he didn't want the kids there as well but I wasn't going to fight about it. I was trying to paint a happy picture for the kids that they got to go to the actual wedding ceremony and a meet and greet right after, I told them it wasn't for kids later.

    But the twins have been talking non stop about the wedding and wanting to dance and everything, my husband called my son up and told him he wanted the kids to come, that was when I got the e-mail from future d-i-l. I haven't responded to it although my husband has called my son and told him that he wants the oldest 3 to definitely come and the littles if they aren't disruptive, he doesn't think they would have to pay for the littles and someone probably wouldn't show anyway leaving room.

    So, I've sat on the e-mail for 2 days, Do I need to respond or has my husband handled that? I don't really trust my words/tone to reply.
  4. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I've done hundreds of weddings with kids in tow. My best suggestion is to have someone who 'handles' the kids during the ceremony and reception. The bride/groom are too involved to do this. They want it to be THEIR day. It could be a friend, family member, etc.

    As far as the hurt factor...yep, it's got to be there. But (there's always a but), keep in mind that this is their big day and they want it to be perfect. Having to care for kids during that time can be very stressful and take away from what they perceive as being perfect. If they knew someone else was doing it, it might make it more comfortable for them.

  5. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    First let me say that I think your future daughter in law took the cowards way out by e-mailing this to you!!! I think you have every right to be upset. These are not cousins we are talking about they are siblings!!! Siblings, whether they are difficult children or not should be invited guests to the entire wedding!!! I am hurt for you and your little ones. Is she being so picky because they are difficult children or because she really just does not want small children there? Don't get me wrong, either way I think she is wrong. But I would be more ticked if the reason was because they are difficult children!!! What does your son say???
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I tihnk your future daughter in law is WAY out of line. One flower girl is allowed to come to the reception but the other is not? That is TOTALLY RUDE. Of course the kids know they are missing the party. They get to go to the part where they have to be dressed up and quiet, then they have to miss the food and the party?

    What kid wouldn't feel left out, and for the flower girl, used?

    I would tell them that if my children are not welcome, then I will not be there. If my son did this he would expect me to welcome his bride privately and explain to her that we are a family and if we cannot ALL celebrate the wedding together then we will be home having a nice afternoon and raising a toast to the "Happy Couple".

    I will say that I had a babysitter for my son when by bff from childhood got married. But he was only 7 months old. The bride said I should bring him and her Grandmother would watch him for me, but both my husband and I though that her Grandmother should be there to help her celebrate, not to watch my son!

    But with the children no longer infants, if they are not welcome, then I would not feel welcome.

    We have a family friend who had this same situation come up. Her son married a very controlling woman (NOT a woman like his mom, who is the sweetest woman on earth!). This woman said that no one under the age of 18 was welcome at the ceremony or reception. She wasn't going to have "her" day "ruined" by a child's presence.

    The dad raised this son from toddler hood, even though he is not his bio father.

    The dad and mom of the groom stayed home with their 15year old daughter and their 10 year old daughter. The mom and dad of the bride also stayed home with the bride's younger siblings. the "happy couple" were actually looking for a way to cut their parents out of this "happy" day.

    And the bride was SHOCKED when she got pregnant and her mom and mother in law both refused to throw her a baby shower!

    I honestly would have to say I cannot attend and my child cannot be in the wedding if my children are not ALL welcome at the reception.

    Now I would expect the best behavior from my kids through the entire wedding and reception. (And as with my bff's wedding, I would take the gameboy away from my husband before the ceremony, LOL.)

    What on earth would motivate someone to cut their family (or family-to-be) out of this ceremony that blends two people into a family?
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2009
  7. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I don't think it's unreasonable to expect kids that age to attend their brother's wedding. I would have someone on hand to take the kids out if you are worried that they will be disruptive. I had both my kids at the reception for sister-in-law. Mighty Mouse was 3 1/2 then. Missy and he were dancing and having fun. They were not a problem. I would not normally take them to a wedding, but since it was their aunt (and they were both in the wedding) it was appropriate to bring them. I would think it the same for their brother.

    I wouldn't respond to her email. I would just let son know that you've made arrangements for someone to take the kids home or to a room (if it's at a hotel) if they get antsy, If you can arrange for that.

    Put on a happy face and never let her see you smoulder.
  8. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Don't know what you should do -- I'm grappling with a similar issue with my only brother who is slated to be married this May. He is godfather to difficult child 1. He called to tell us that there would be "no kids" at their wedding. And my kids aren't at what I would consider to be a disruptive age. My youngest will be 10 by the time the wedding gets here. My mom thinks it's his future mother in law dictating this. She jokingly (sort of) told me she'd babysit that day so husband and I could go to the wedding! She's very disappointed as well. I think it's just a sign of the level of control his future mother in law will have in their life. We've hardly seen hide nor hair of him since he started dating this woman. She monopolizes his time at every holiday so we are lucky if we see him at all, and we no longer hear from him at birthdays. It's too bad, because I feel like I don't even know him anymore.

    So just wanted to say I understand the hurt, and am struggling with how to handle this myself!
  9. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    We have faced this issue in our immediate family just recently. The bride really wanted an Adults Only affair - the invitations clearly stated Adults Only. She did not have a flower girl or ring bearer. The wedding/reception was very small (80 people). It was strictly a sit down formal (very formal) meal. There was no place for children to move about. It was the brides day - and I respected her wishes.

    With that said - it would be one thing if your future daughter in law had said "Adults Only". But it sounds like she was hand choosing which children were invited and which were not. That would be hurtful. Very hurtful.

    Tough call. If it were me, I would communicate with your son and see what his position is.
  10. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I would be hurt as well. I think the only way the children shouldn't go is if it is an "adult only" wedding & it's not. I would find someone that could take care of them......hotel room or back home when it's "time" for them to relax & settle for the evening IF they need to, if you can arrange it.
  11. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Thank you all, I feel validated in my hurt and that will actually help me handle this much better. Thanks for letting me feel heard and understood. I'll let you all know how it goes in April.