Weird and continued roller coaster ride.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Mar 12, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Yesterday 35 year old daughter came over wanting to go to my Dr appointment with me. She moved her schedule at the spa so she could do this. She looks odd, her color is off, her weight is distributing different and she is a shell of who she use to be. We talk and I hear some sincere things come from her. She is in love with 1/2 boyfriend. I know people do the most stupid things ever when it comes to love..My husband has told our daughter that it is sad that she thinks that is all she can get, someone like her 1/2 ass boyfriend.
    After my Dr visit we go to the grocery store and I buy a nice meal for us to make. She loves organic cabbage so I make a huge pot of that. My daughter goes from crisis to crisis. I feel weak and want to go in and fix things, help her, move her out of her hell hole. I am ashamed at myself for enabling her when I just could not take the anguish of her situation. I have to back track and take back a few things that I said I may consider. I did not promise anything just 'things to think about' and my things to think about will just keep her stuck and me financially drained. I guess the best thing for me to do is not see her that often...I have to train myself to not help her. This is going against my nature to the core but I know deep inside it has to be done or I will continue to set up a *S* hole for myself and keep her stuck also when she becomes very ugly to me, I will kick myself in the butt for keeping her and me enabled.
    My husband is very good about moving ahead and he has distanced himself from her for a while. She gets on his last damn nerve.
    Right now I will have to lean on my husband to help me not enable but in reality her situation has gotten so bad that it is very hard for him to not enable her either, it has stressed him to the bone.

    Sink or swim will be my motto as I pound through this horrid nightmare. The change has to be with me because she is too lazy to change, I have to make the hard changes and live with it. Can I live with it? Can I sleep at night?
    These positive changes are easier to make when she is awful but when I see glimpses of her being nice it knocks me to the ground.
    I have done the sink or swim with her before when she was 28, it felt right and it had to be done. It needs to be done again but this time I am dragging my feet, I guess her and 1\2 boyfriend will have to find a way. Please God give me the strength to do what is fair and right.
     
  2. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Susiestar, I have been studying and talking to my friends that are in the home business. I study this on the internet each and everyday.
    I will come to a conclusion. I study the laws, I feel the heartbreak, I am looking at this as a steep learning curve and I am gratful for your input. Thank you and big hug.
     
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    These are just questions i know nothing about real estate law
    1. You said the house is a disaster can this be cause to expedite eviction or foreclosure.
    2. If not can you call county health dept and have it condemmed until it is fixed.

    I don't even know if these are moves you would want to take just puting it out there.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Newstart

    Have been reading along and I cannot even imagine having to go through this but it in some ways is similar to our experiences with drug addiction.

    Your description of your daughter's tendencies has made me realize that one of my close friends has Borderline (BPD) (undiagnosed) and I have had to pull away from her because she is becoming more and more toxic to me. I actually discussed my friend with my therapist last night and told her that I felt that my friend may suffer from this and told her a few stories and she confirmed that those behaviors follow suit. She also told me that my friend is only trying to get her own needs met and does not see things the way I (or someone without Borderline (BPD)) sees them. This condition takes continual therapy and hard work on the person that has it and I believe her.

    I can't imagine how painful this is for you and I am sorry but it sounds like you are getting stronger.
     
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  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you tired mama for giving me food for thought.
    I saw that she cleaned her house and got lawn service to do a nice job. But that only lasts until I have to threaten her again. I think she is stepping it up a bit knowing she will have to live in a dump if she does not try to straighten out very soon. I think when she comes to her senses she knows what a good deal she has. She lives in a very nice home, we put a large down payment on it so her monthly payments are doable. She is living in a quality home for the same price she would be paying for a broken down apartment. I think when she was out there looking she came to her senses and will try to make it work. Only 8 or 9 more years left on the house before it is paid off, I went over that with her last night and I believe a light bulb went off..Well with her it goes off and on.
     
  6. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you RN0441 for your thoughts.. I hope you can put a lot of distance between you and that person that is being toxic to you. She is not your friend. If I was not related to my daughter I would not have anything to do with her. I do believe in forgiving others because I want to be forgiven but if I see any indication of someone having anything like my daughter I stay clear away. My daughter's disorder has shocked my husband to the core, now he thinks most women her age have this disorder. I had a best friend for many years. I loved this woman dearly. We were like sisters. Her youngest son turned out gay and it turned her into a person that I did not even know. She became rude, awful and stole money from me. We were best friends for over 20 years. It was like a switch was turned on. It was such a change that I thought she may have had a tumor. She did not. I have seen others that have seen the change in her too. Sometimes it's best to just stop walking this journey with the wrong people.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    The sad thing is my friend does not see this in herself - at all. I am moving out of state this summer so will have limited contact with her but she has never been a happy person and seems to be getting worse as she ages. She hates every job, has trouble with other friends and has recently lost many friendships. It's hard on me because I am a fixer and a helper but I am overwhelmed with all the changes in my own life (moving to new state, son getting out of long term program in November etc.) and I just have to put myself and my own family first. The relationship sucks the life out of me and I can't do it anymore.
     
  8. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am sorry that you have to deal with another toxic person in your life.
     
  9. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    RN0441, I am now wondering if that friend of yours is my daughter. LOL
    My daughter hates every job except she does like her spa so far, she has troubles with all her friends because of her lies, and all of us get tired of her constant drama, crisis and self made crap that does not have to happen. Good luck on your move, I hope it is somewhere that you want to go. What are your son's plans when he gets out? I hope he can move forward so your heart can have some rest.
     
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  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    She was miserable married and now is miserable single. Ugh. I can't help her. I feel better that I have taken a stand.

    We are going to move somewhere warm and close to the sea so those are both good in my book! Son doesn't know about any of it yet (will tell him in person this weekend) but will be with us/near us and school and work but he has to have a plan and strong boundaries for us. Lots of planning and thought going into this.
     
  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel