Welcome Mayapple5

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by slsh, Oct 28, 2008.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi Mayapple5 and welcome! I'm copying your post to a new thread to make sure all the members see it.

    I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this or not. I'm new here and I'm not sure, but I guess I could shorten my signature a bit. I'm 56 and my husband is 7 years younger but oh so much wiser than I am! We adopted this little bit of an angel in '07. We were her sixth home from the time she was born until she was 23 months old in '05. In a short 1 1/2 years she was our daughter legally. My instincts told me she wasn't like other kids, I had never seen tantrums like she would throw, and for nothing! She would play by herself, she wasn't talking yet when she came to us and just had begun to walk (at 23 months). She was diagnosis'd at Loyola in Chicago at 3 1/2 but I think she is less Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) now, she is so outgoing and but she is so demanding and she makes my ears hurt! And oh, how she can throw things!

    Anyway, I's so glad she is in PreK in the mornings and still takes LONGGG naps in the afternoons. That's where I find momma time. She isn't on any medications. I tried Aderall, but it turned her into a zombie and my husband said noway. He works at a prison and he had worked with phsy ward for many years, he knows what drugs can do and that many time drugs are needed to take care of the side affects of the original drug. He won't allow her to take drugs. So we use vitamin therapy right now. I don't see much improvement! I'm home with her day-in and day-out! I't driving me crazy, except when she is in school, where she is the perfect angel!

    Cats? yea, I almost stepped in a mess this week, hadn't had one of them in a very long time. Must be the moon....

    -me-56 and tired
    -husband-49 retires in less than 10 months; married 24 years.
    -easy child 1 36, daughter from previous marriage; SO 2 daughter, 1 difficult child son-BiPolar (BP)/ODD
    -difficult child 1 33, DS from previous marriage; married 1 difficult child ds, 2 easy child daughter (no diagnosis)
    -easy child 2 daughter 20, adopted granddaughter, living at home and working
    -easy child 3 daughter 18, adopted granddaughter, living at home and working
    -difficult child 2 daughter 5, adopted foster child at 23 months, diagnosis'd at 3 1/2 Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)/ADHD/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)
    -Purebred Beagle - Tobias 7 years old
    -tabby cat - Donny - ? years old

    Again, welcome!
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome Mayapple!

    As you are so against medicine for your daughter, have you looked at sensory issues? An evaluation by a private occupational therapist (Occupational Therapist (OT)) can tell if there are ways to help her deal with the input from her senses. Many times kids can be helped with brushing therapy. Sensory issues are common in kids with various autistic spectrum disorders like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). School Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluations are not as thorough as private ones, and often don't pick up on as many of the subtleties of the sensory issues as private evaluations do. Just my opinion.

    I also strongly encourage the book, "the explosive child" by ross greene.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Welcome Mayapple,

    Have you tried the Feingold diet? It is a non-drug intervention that helps some Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids.

    I'm glad you found our little corner of the web.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just adding in my welcome-glad you found us.
  5. Feeling Helpless

    Feeling Helpless Oldie but Goodie

    Hi and welcome. Something else you might think about is taping one of her temper tantrums so that the doctor can see what you are talking about. Also a journal is a good idea. I am sure you will find a lot of advice here. Good luck and keep posting. It can sometimes seem like the only place to get some peace and quiet.
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    On the subject of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) an a kid being outgoing - you can get that. Autism is not necessarily about being withdrawn, it's about being socially inept (among other things). difficult child 3 is VERY outgoing, but ham-fisted in his interactions with other people.

    Welcome to the site, we can help.

  7. Mayapple5

    Mayapple5 New Member

    Thank you for your kind words. difficult child 2 is a handful. I'm focusing on the Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) right now and her strengths. She loves games on the computer and I'm going to use them to help modify her behavior in other areas. Like, OK you do this for a certain length of time then you get 15 minutes of game time on the computer. We have a wonderful clock she can actually see the time she has left.

    She doesn't like brushing or weights. She likes to be held during our reading time, she likes back rubs but not scracted. We snuggle a lot. We see the pediatrician. Neurologist again in January and I'm making a list of questions already. I may want a reval. within the next year or so, or is that too soon?

    I'm glad I found this board too. Thanks for being here.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We adopted our son from foster care at two. In general, these kids have lots of issues that other kids don't due to their in utero history and being moved around a lot. My son is also on the autism spectrum, and has improved a lot with intervention. HOwever, although he was exposed to drugs in utero, he doesn't have any symptoms of Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)...guess we luckily dodged that bullet. Did you know there is a huge center in the Chicago area for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)/drug exposed children? I am not allowed to give you the name here, but, if you want the name of it, PM me. I took my son to that too.
    I think our kids need lots of evaluations because they are complex and forever changing. Are you sure she has Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)? Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) kids tend not to be able to tell right from wrong or learn from their mistakes. They also tend to "forget" from one day to the next. They may know the alphabet one day, yet not k now it the next day. It is organic brain damage. At first we thought our son MUST have Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE), however, he is 15 now and getting all A's and B's in school and does not have that "swiss-cheese" memory. Doctors tend to jump to certain diagnosis. with adopted kids...two are Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE). Sometimes they apply, sometimes the doctors are proven wrong.
    Welcome to the board :)
  9. Mayapple5

    Mayapple5 New Member

    MidwestMom-I would like that info but I don't know how to pm you on this board since I'm new, I'm having some difficulty navigating yet. I am, however interested in finding out more. thank you
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Mayapple5, I just sent you a PM. Go to 'Quick Links' and then select private message. You should see my test message to you.
  11. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    Just sending you a welcome hug. You've come to the right place.

    My kids' diagnosis's are different, but the idea of keeping a journal of her daily behavior is a good one. When my difficult child 2 was discharged from the psychiatric hospital for the third time and on new medications, I decided to get a notebook and make a daily notation on what time he awoke, his mood upon waking, what he ate, how much physical activity he had that day, any problems at school or at play, any meltdowns...because he was on medications and it's sometimes hard to tell if a medication is helping or causing a behavior. Since your child is not medicated, keeping a record of her meltdowns and what happens on those days may help you communicate better with the doctor. Sometimes just being well-rested and eating ona schedule that keeps their blood sugar stable can help quite a lot.

    Good luck to you and keep us posted on how she does.
  12. Mayapple5

    Mayapple5 New Member

    Yesterday we had a great morning. It was "wear you costume to school day" so I kept her home. I let her know exactly what we were going to do up to her nap time. It worked out perfectly as she likes routine and does very well knowing what to expect. BUT she didn't take a nap! I had been to her room three times to get her to close eyes and sleep our there would be no computer, no reading, no ...., but nothing worked! I just knew how the evening would go at church, especially since the routine there was going to be different as we had a special service planned instead of kid's clubs. It would have been better if I had stayed home with her! :mad: We had time before church to stop at WalMart, she through an all out melt down (her first out in the open like that) in the store! My husband started to protest. I just reminded him what we had been taught to ignore people's stares and dirty looks and smile and just walk out. The kindly old gentle man at the front door wanted to console her with a happy face sticker. I told him no thank you, she had already thrown the one he gave her upon entering, on the floor! She wouldn't leave her seat belt buckled in the truck so I sat beside her in the back (little space) with her kicking me and had my hand on the buckle the three miles to church and sitting her legs and her screaming that I was hurting her. It didn't get any better at church.

    When she takes a nap, she is just as happy and contented as can be, most of the time. But even quiet time up there won't cut it, she has to sleep. She expends so much energy in the morning (on purpose on my part) that I hope she is tired enough to sleep. But sleep wouldn't come yesterday. I just wanted to pull my hair out.

    I think of taking her to a Neuro. Psy. but then I think, what if she tells them things I'd rather she not tell anyone. How much do these doctors believe from these kids? Of course I wouldn't deny ever having spanked her, but I'd rather not have to admit it either. We live biblically here and we spank according to the bible (most of the time). I do get frustrated and I have spanked out of frustration. I'm terribly upset with myself afterwards and just hold and cuddle her, sending her so many mixed messages and that makes her so confused even more. I'm messing my kid up, aren't I? It doesn't happen often, I try to walk away and close my bedroom door, but most of the day, most days it's just the two of us and I can't leave her alone, unsupervised, ever, for a moment, for me to count to 10 behind a closed door. What am I supposed to do?:faint::ashamed:
  13. Mayapple5

    Mayapple5 New Member

    Could you PM me and give me the name of this clinic? I tried to PM you but I got a message that you weren't accepting any messages, sorry.

  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    First, welcome. Like you, I adopted my daughter after several foster homes. She also has mild Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE). The tantrums when she was young were unbelievable both in the rage and the duration.

    I did learn that spanking helped not at all. It gave me some relief but the guilt was overwhelming and it didn't stop a single behavior of hers. A good, swift swat can get the message across to many children. It rarely does with kids like ours.

    Like yours, mine needed her nap. If she ddn't get a nap, it was rare that we would go out that evening. I never made it a punishment but I understood that sometimes she'd be too excited to sleep because of the event that evening. If it was truly important to her, we'd go for a short while and the second I saw that she was getting over stimulated, we left. If it wasn't that important to her, then we would stay home and have special cuddle time.

    I tried medications with my daughter but because of her physical makeup and metabolism, they just didn't work. I wish they would have. I think they would have made her life a lot easier. I understand the reluctance to not medicate but sometimes it can make a huge difference for the child. I liken it to a child being a diabetic. You wouldn't say no to insulin. Well, sometimes medications are the best thing you can do for your child with mental issues. I would tread very carefully with medications but I wouldn't automatically say no to them.

    If you haven't read them, the Keck books on adopting a hurt child are excellent and very helpful. The book most of us recommend is The Explosive Child. It really helps with understanding our children and gives a new perspective.

    Do go for a new evaluation, especially a neuropsychologist evaluation. This is something I had never heard of when mine was younger and I so wished I had. It might have made a huge difference in things I did when she was younger. I know that when I finally did get an evaluation of some sort, it did help and I did change some of my parenting because of it.

    You've found a great group here. Come for advice, support, laugh and love.
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Mayapple, you've already received some great advice and information from others. I just want to add my welcome.

    Last edited: Oct 31, 2008
  16. Mayapple5

    Mayapple5 New Member

    Thank you everyone for your support and help. I have belonged to another board for a bit over a year and feel very comfortable there but never felt as free to talk about things as I do here. Maybe because most are of the female gender here and I feel more free to speak my mind.

    I am married to a rock! He's my strength, and yes, he gets under my skin. I really needed to talk last night. I am so worried about next summer when difficult child 2 will be in my care 24/7 for three months. I'm wondering how am I going to fill our time and keep her occupied and busy during her waking hours? Since she is going to go to K next year she won't be able to have afternoon naps so I have to get away from them before she starts in late August next year. anyway - know what he said? You're worrying about nothing way to early! I needed to talk about it, NOW! I have a habit of clamming up. He said, since we had some time alone we should be talking and all I could do was want to go to bed/sleep. Well it was 10:00, I die at 9:30! So I went to bed upset and in a silent mood and he was upset that I wasn't wanting to spend some "quality" time with him.:cloudy:
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Mayapple. Welcome!

    Your husband sounds like a typical guy. "You're worrying about nothing way too early!"
    Okay, how about helping me make a plan, honey? Or at least giving me a hug?

    I'm glad you like our "family." I like it here, too. Don't know what I'd do with-o it.