Well, camp was good for both of us ... and he's b-a-a-a-c-c-k-k!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Jun 27, 2010.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I picked up difficult child Fri afternoon. We hadn't driven out of the camp driveway when difficult child started in on me about wanting computer time and how we just don't understand him.
    He got irate and started screaming and yelling so I pulled over.
    Luckily, we were out in the boondocks and the driveway we pulled into was long enough that the homeowners didn't see us ...

    for 45 min. :anxious:

    I put the car in park and just let difficult child rant and rave. He went on and on about how he thinks about how he scr*wed up with-the neighbors and easy child and doesn't want to be sent away and he thinks about it all the time to the point where he understands why people commit suicide, although he never would because it's stupid, and because he's different and needs coping mechanisms he should be able to use the computer for a short time every day and then he won't be so anxious and it's not his fault that his dad's computer got a worm and it practically shut down his clinic for an entire day, and it's not his fault he can't control himself ...

    I closed my eyes and listened and finally said, "This doesn't surprise me. You haven't changed from when you were 2 and I'd pick you up from daycare and you'd hate the transition and scream at me for an hr."

    Of course he started to rant again, but only for 5 min., and then he cried, blew his nose, and said he was finished and I could drive.


    Just b4 we got home, I stopped at McD's to get him a burger (no bun) and then told him he could eat in the car while I shopped. I went to World Mkt and just nosed around to calm down.

    He was fine after that. I told husband that I got it all out of difficult child and husband owed me one for bringing home a calm kid.

    Last edited: Jun 27, 2010
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow Terry, you have a ton of patience and you're right husband owes you one!;)
  3. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Terry, Thank goodness I am able (most times) to handle my difficult child the same way. Alot of his rages and tantrums are while he is in the car. I am able to tune him out and easy child is also. Occasionally he will kick the seat but not too often. It is amazing that after they "get it all out" they are calm as can be. I have learned this is the best techique. A few minutes of chaos and then the calm down phase. husband however will fuel the fire and argue with him and tell him how disrespectful he is blah, blah, blah.... It took me a very long time to go to shut down phase and I keep reminding husband that he is only wasting his breath and making difficult child more agitated... he is slowly learning .... So did he enjoy his stay at camp ?
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am in absolute awe at your patience. husband owes you BIG TIME!!

    I never had the patience to sit in the car and listen to my difficult child rant and rage. Partly because if he thought I was listening it would seem to feed the monster and he would do and say anything to get a reaction. I always made sure the windows were at least cracked and took a book and sat down outside. Often I had to go where he couldn't see me or else he wouldn't calm down. There were a number of times that a store owner or police officer or stranger would come by to tell me I was "abusing" him. The cops were the ones who "got it" when I explained. At least 4 times someone called 911 on us with-a report of child abuse. Heck, I even left the a/c on if it was really hot - for as long as he stayed buckled in the backseat.

    Hopefully the time he was at camp gave you a chance to build up your reserves so that you don't lose that patience. Does difficult child ever talk about the stuff he said with a therapist? He sure seems to have a lot on his mind. While much of it is aimed at justifying his actions and avoiding responsibility, there seems to be fear there as well. Maybe if you could find a male therapist who difficult child could relate to then he could work through some of this?? When Wiz had someone he felt he could talk things over with he was far more able to control his temper and use the myriad coping skills he was taught.
  5. BeachPeace

    BeachPeace Guest

    Terry -
    So glad you pulled over and parked the car! Not sure I could have lasted that long so patient..... Good Job Mama!
    I do so wish there was an "easy" button to help with transitions.....they can be soooo challenging sometimes.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    We've got an appointment with-the therapist this wk. Sigh. Which topic to choose?

    Yes, he did enjoy camp. He told easy child. He sort of admitted it to me. :D The counselor wrote down 3 names and emails of friends for him. Of course, that means computer time ... which is how the raging started. I told him he could send them emails. He said, "And then play a game?"

    WWIII. Sigh.

    Yes, it was a gREAT wk! Despite all the home repairs.
    husband's staff told him they'd never seen him so happy. He said it was because he had a new waterbed installed and other than that, no idea why he was so happy. His staff told him it was no coincidence that difficult child was out of town ... he quickly realized they were right and how calm it is around the house.
    How sad for all of us.
  7. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I'm sorry, Terry, I know the feeling well. The boys used to freak as soon as they got in my car following daycare. I always thought it was due to their extreme prematurity. I sure missed the boat!
  8. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    He sure does have a lot of anxiety, Terry.

    I remember when my husband would explode like that -- different triggers. Sometimes it was the anticipation of spending time with his parents/sisters and on the drive down he'd inevitably pick a fight. Or obsessing about something (kinda like your difficult child and the game issue) and if he thought he wasn't going to get what he wanted he eventually had a meltdown.

    You are pretty wise to see that the whole transition thing is a trigger for him.

    I have to say that my husband got a LOT better with the medications he takes now. The anxiety is MUCH better, and when he IS anxious, he's able to talk about it instead of blow up.

    I hope the therapist has some suggestions. I would bet that the video game obsession is linked to his anxiety, and perhaps if the anxiety is addressed some of the other issues would improve.

    Hope you enjoyed the break while he was gone!
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I was told, and take it for what it's worth (I'm just the messenger) that videogames and computers are okay for Spectrum kids. They not only calm them, they help fill a void. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids have poor imaginations and can not amuse themselves well at all and are pretty much not going to develop that ability. My son has made friends on the computer, all of them quiet computer kids like himself (we monitor). He is able to express himself better writing than talking. I've never limited his at-home computer time as long as he has outside activities and he does have to do them. But it was because of the advice I got...and I think it worked out well. Few Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids DON'T have videogame/computer addictions way beyond other kids because other kids can use their imaginations and amuse themselves. Do I believe it? I think it's pretty much true. My son still gets good grades and still has friends and is probably the least violent person I know...he will not play "kill" games or anything bloody. So we don't have meltdowns over this.

    I'm not in any way telling anybody what to do. Just passing along what I was told by an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) expert and what has been ok for us. My son started out mostly playing computer games, but now that he is older he does a lot of writing on the computer too and this helps him communicate, something Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids have so much trouble doing. So...just thought I'd pass it along...take it with a grain of salt as each child is different.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.
    I'm looking up Paxil and Trileptal.
    And I'm on the fence about the computer games. I know they fill a void, but difficult child is the type to whom you give an inch and he takes a mile.
    He does not know moderation.

    The dr who diagnosis'd difficult child a cpl yrs ago told us no more than 1/2 hr to 1 hr a day on the computer, because it would overstimulate his frontal lobes and cause excess electrical activity, which would fuel his ADHD. Sort of a chicken and egg thing. Our therapist agrees.

    Maybe I can sign up difficult child for typing lessons ...
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So, it looks like Paxil is an alternative to Zoloft or Effexor, an SSRI. And Trileptal is used off-label for bipolar.
    I will talk to the psychdoc next time we see him and throw around some ideas.
  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I can't say that either of those medications would work for your difficult child or that either one is appropriate -- just that it seems that much of what you're dealing with seems to come from some type of anxiety at the root of it. I hope the psychiatrist can help you come up with something to help him so everything is not such a major struggle. The Aspie stuff you can only do so much about, but the anxiety you should be able to address fairly successfully in my humble opinion.
  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    My husband is the same exact way and it drives me crazy!!! Not that I necessarily get her to calm down, but I will mostly ignore her while she is acting this way and she ends up giving up and going to her room. But husband will feed it and feed it and difficult child doesn't back down so it ends up the two of them screaming at each other and me having to play referee. It got so bad for a while I thought about running away because I felt my entire life might as well be spent in a referee's uniform. Though mine still isn't learning. And when he is aggravated with her he will literally nitpick at everything and we all know with these kids you just have to pick your battles! Believe me, I understand his frustration, but one needs a TON of patience when having difficult child's...and he just doesn't have it....poor guy lol. But, he is transitioning to his new position in outside sales so HE will get plenty of time away from the house. Lucky guy lol.
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    The only thing I can say is that my easy child plays a lot of video games, has a great imagination and can amuse himself for hours. My difficult child does not play any games, she doesn't watch any tv unless it is with us (this is all her choice, not ours) and she has never been able to amuse herself. Just an oddity I thought I would throw in.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    PatriotsGirl, my difficult child has no imagination, either. He rarely even dreams. Part of his neurological makeup, for sure.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    On the topic of video games....

    My oldest who we believe is aspie lite is my video and computer game addict. Actually he got an associates degree in computers. He plays all kinds of games even that warcraft game. He is the most non-violent person on the planet in real life. Like others, he has more friends online than in the real world though he does have many acquantiances because of his job.

    Jamie and Cory dont play much on the computer. Maybe some pogo from time to time. They will play poker if they do that. Not often at all. They do both have an Xbox 360 with a few games. Jamie has guitar hero which he plays often when he plays the game at all. They had all the Nintendo systems growing up. I could rarely get them to sit down long enough to actually play for long enough to be addicted. It was rainy day fun for them. They were thrilled to have them and liked knowing they were there and might pop a game in after school but then they got bored and ran out the door. LOL.
  17. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Terry, I've done the same thing in the car a number of times with wm. I could out sit a screaming wm. If I was on the side of the freeway I'd call 911. One time a state patrol officer stopped to offer assistance & he removed wm from the car & transported him to the ER. He's dangerous in the car & I refuse to transport him. When I have transported him I put him in the far back seat & gave him a PRN before we left for our destination.

    You did great with your difficult child.

    Computer/video games were/are a reward for wm. I have to say that he's lost the privilege of late & is heck on wheels. Foster mum is about to lose her mind. wm just cannot think of a reason to live with-o those games.
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you!