Well, difficult child didn't go to school

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by StressedM0mma, Jan 3, 2012.

  1. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Why should I be all that surprised? I am beyond frustrated sad and heartbroken at this point. I had hope, she came down last night to do HW, and I thought wow this is going to be a good year. Ha! She stayed up all night trying to get work done, and didn't so she is now refusing to go. I think she is embarrassed at this point. I don't even know. All I know is she was up when I went down to make lunches, and when she heard school wasn't canceled for snow she rolled over and shut down.
    I will be honest, I am not sure how much more of this I can handle. I need help. She is waffling so much. One minute she is up, the next she doesn't care about anything. This morning she tried to refuse her medications. She has NEVER done that before. I just do not know what is going on with her. And, how much longer I am going to be able to deal with it.
    Holding on tightly to the 4:00 therapist appointment. today. Praying for help.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    HUGS HUGS and more HUGS

    I posted in the other thread about going back to school. You said there that there is no hope for her to catch up at this point anyway. So, I asked, is it time to just take this out of her hands. I know you said she wants to stay in those classes etc. but essentially she has taken herself out. I know that means it is the final straw, she will have a fit etc. But after that, she can finally have a chance to recover. You do need a break in this. if she had some other disease, and she would have to go on bedrest, denial would not be an option for her. she needs to know this is too serious of a health issue and maybe it would help her to learn that lesson while you can help her through it. In a couple of years you will not be able to make those decisions for her.

    Since you go to the doctor today, any way to call ahead of time in private and let him know you want him to tell her he is ordering homebound schooling. This will also help save her credits since then they will have to adjust right? She needs an emergency school adjustment, and you can get her a 504 because she does have a diagnosis. In future, I would push for an IEP though... this totally affected her school work and whether or not she likes it, she has special needs. She is not on it for life, just till she does not need the support anymore and that will be something she can work for.

    This is too much for her and she can't see that herself. She is too sick. Maybe it is time to make the doctor the bad guy and show her that you value her health more than what she does (and she can't argue anymore that she wants to catch up...it is impossible in that format, seems like you are saying she will only have a chance if school is on board with modifications, right?)

    Sounds easy to say, well actually not. But I am SURE she will fall apart at first, but in the end it takes it off her plate and she needs the adults to do that. She just does not have the judgement for it.

    IF she falls off the deep end over it, have a back up of psychiatric hospital and/or intensive out patient perhaps???

    My youngest sister went through a similar problem in highschool and I rode with my mom to meet our dad when we took her into the hospital. It was very very hard. She was really grateful a few weeks later, once she let go of trying to control everything. She was so relieved to have the weight of it off her shoulders. But the first week, she called my mom every name in the book.

    Whatever you decide, you know I really care and support you. You are an amazingly loving and kind mom. You comfort and protect her so beautifully.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I think that Buddy is on the right track. She does not want to be taken out of the level of classes that she in, but she can't get herself to attend the classes and do the work. It may be far too overwhelming for her at this point because she knows that she is soooo far behind. It's time to take the decision away from her and find something that will be less overwhelming for her. I know that is not what she wants to hear, but right now it would be the best thing for her.
  4. zaftigmama

    zaftigmama New Member

    Ditto the PPs. She may be mad at you at first, but it's clear that she's not up to her previous level of performance right now...I have no experience in this with my children, but I've struggled with mental health issues for years. Do you think homebound schooling is the answer, or do you think she needs more intensive treatment, or a combination of both? I did an intensive outpatient (called a partial hospitalization program) last year and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.
  5. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    I know you are both right, but I will be honest. I am afraid of what will happen if we force her to move down. I am scared of her. I am scared of her anger. When these things happen, she lashes out and I don't know what to do about it. I actually told her she needed to drop down in Biology, and her concern is that she won't know anyone in the class. I wanted to scream at her WHO CARES!! I hate having to admit that I am physically afraid of my soon to be 15 year old. I am going to talk to husband about it today. He is of the mind fine let her fail maybe she will learn from this. And I am more of the sucker that wants to help her and fix everything. husband has said that until she wants to help herself she wont get better.
    easy child just walked in she came home sick. Said she had to pull over on the side of the rode to throw up. What a start to the New Year. Sigh
  6. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    At this point I just don't know. It seemed at the begining of Dec. we were doing well, she was still missing school, but when break started she was doing well, then we made the switch to Wellbutrin, and I feel like we are back to square 1.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad that you have an appointment. Fingers crossed that your path will become clear soon. Personally I find it easier to have set goals (even if they turn out ineffectivey) than I do when I am waffling. Fingers crossed that when you post after the appointment you'll feel more comfortable with the next step. Hugs DDD
  8. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Thank you DDD. Her therapist does have 3 goals set for her. One of them is that by the start of the 3 quarter she attend school on time everyday. The 3rd qtr. begins on Jan. 23. I really want to have hope, but right now I just have nothing. I feel just empty. To the point of throwing my arms up and just wanting to quit, and say fine. Just do whatever you want. Sometimes I wish I were a parent that just didn't care what their child does/did. But, I am not that person/ I will end up killing myself trying to help her. I just want her to see what is happening to all of us, and she is just so self involved that she can't or doesn't care.
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Your husband is right. Until she is interested in getting herself better and until she wants to do that work that goes along with getting better, she is not going to get better. She needs to be a participant in her own recovery. You can not do that for her.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Depression is a bit like being locked in a steel box... they cannot see beyond the four walls of their miserable existance.

    "Kids do well if they can"... not "if they want to"...
    Depression is like that, too.
    Get mad at the depression, but not at your kid - you're trying to help the kid, not the depression...
    And yes, its hard when they don't seem to "want" help.
    With depression... they don't really believe that help is available...
  11. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    A couple of thoughts from someone who has been there.

    I wonder if Zoloft is doing the trick? One thought might be to switch to Lamictal--I wonder if Zoloft might actually be having a demotivation affect on her?

    My son got to the point where he had dug himself a big hole schoolwise and was angry and just didn't care. We sent him to a therapeutic wilderness program which helped immensely, him and us. We had years of school refusal etc.

    She can't seem to cope with her school load, you need to do something to wipe the slate clean, she will be mad, but she may quickly get over it, If not then you may have to consider other options if necessary. She's 14, you need to be in control. Yes she needs to be a participant in her own recovery, but you need to structure it so that there is a way forward. Then if she won't participate other options may be necessary.

    My other advice from the been there done that place is not to punish her or consequence her to try to motivate her. Probably won't work, If there are healthy things she is doing with family or friends let those continue. You need to give her a reason to live.

  12. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    InsaneCdn thank you so very much for your words. They are very much needed right now. I think part of the problem is that I saw a glimpse of my daughter over break, and I had such hopes that the New Year would go well. I HATE depression. I hate that it came into my family and has such a tight grip that I feel as if it will never let go. I hate what it is doing to every.single. member. of this family. It is tearing us apart at the seams and I am fighting with everything I have to try to hold all of us together, and I think I am running out of fight. It is so hard, and difficult child just doesn't seem to care.
    How to I get the key to that horrid box and unlock it? Because she desperately needs and deserves to be free of it.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member


    I'm one of those moms who has been on medications myself and when a child suddenly deteriorates for the worse, the first thing I think about is the medications and if there have been changes and did the behaviors change with the medication changes. Those medications change the brain chemistry of the child/adult who is taking them and sometimes turn them violent. I am not at all convinced that your daughter doesn't WANT to get better...she is just in bad shape right now and in my opinion it's possibly due to all the medication changes. I know that switching medications always screwed up my body chemistry for a while and I had to wait for the drugs to settle in....sometimes the new medication never did work for me. I think we underestimate the impact the medications can have on our children's stability. They can make them better or make them way worse, even psychotic.

    If your child is worse and just had a medication change, assume the medication change is a large part of the problem. I'd talk to psychiatrist about going slower on medication switches and give more thought to what he gives her. Everyone is different, but, as an adult, I took 50 mgs. of Zoloft for two weeks and got so erratic and nervous and crazed that I ended up in the hospital. Never ever discount medications as the major reason if there is a tremendous behavioral shift after a medication change.

    Any medication can lead to cognitive dulling as well making it harder to get homework done a nd to retain information.

    Good luck!!!!
  14. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Thanks everyone. Right now I am just so frustrated that I just feel like throwing the towel in. I just want to wave the white flag and say fine you win. I am just physically and emotionally exhausted. I was actually looking at Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s earlier. 1) There is no way we could ever afford something like that, 2) I don't know if difficult child would even qualify. I just feel like a need a break from her, and there is no where for her or me to go. We have no family around that we can lean on. I actually calmed down after looking at some RTCs. How horrid am I as a mother. I am looking at sending my difficult child away from home for some peace. I am so tired of walking on eggshells around here so I don't do or say something to set her off.
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Kill that guilt bug.
    In fact, your mommy gut is right.
    She needs HELP.
    More help than you can give her.
    The trouble is... how to find the right help, fast enough, at a price you can afford........

  16. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    We sent my son away not for my benefit--it hurt in many ways--but because we were not getting through to him and we afraid that he would deterioriate more, start drugs etc and also to signal to him that we would do everything in our power to help him have a happy productive life. We were not simply going to stand by and let him self destruct. Had he been older perhaps we would have done differently, but at his age (then 15) we thought it was the right thing to do. You are at the same place. so don't feel guilty about what you are thinking. One thing I learned is that while these kids are genuinely totally depressed, they have also learned to "work the system" or manipulate it a bit and it is hard as parents to know when and where and how to hang tough. Good professionals can help you and her.

    You are starting to think a bit outside the box and see what options might be available, sounds like a good healthy response to me. Don't automatically assume that you can't afford stuff, sometimes there are scholarships etc available. But it is incredibly tough to find good programs that you can afford.
  17. buddy

    buddy New Member

    our psychiatrist's clinic/intensive out patient has two free spots each session. Q has insurance but it wont pay for their program so they said if ever needed, that he would be able to use a free spot. For sure check. I understand the fear thing. BELIEVE me when I say that. I have been beat up by my son at times. Every time I stick to a direction or refuse one of his demands I wonder if he is gonna blow. Luckily we have had nearly two weeks off of that finally........

    I hope your appointment went ok. That kind of reaction is exactly why I was hoping doctor could be the bad guy. Not to go down in classes, but to stop them. she needs homebound or intensive out patient or even inpatient hospital. I dont know if she is even stable enough for Residential Treatment Center (RTC)... she may first need to have something done on an adolescent unit in an inpatient hospital.... and there they can help her adjust to thereality of not having the same school schedule... that is the least of her concerns right now. She just can't see that.

    Looking forward to your update. I stll believe those glimpses you saw mean she is in there... but it may be a while and will take a big step to get her back. Love and Hugs, Dee
  18. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Thanks Dee. Therapy went terribly. She refused to talk. psychiatrist thinkss part of this is medication and depression and part is manipulation/ODD. We are getting a second opinion on her dianosis. I asked about Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and therapist said insurance wont pay and our county has no $$. So basically she said we are stuck with her. therapist told me to call police if she refuses to go to school. And since we talked about it without her in the room I have to be the one to tell her. She will refuse to go now just to see if I will call. I hate this. I wake up in a panic attack every morning. I had to up my lexapro and start taking ativan just to get her out the door. Well time to go wake her up.
  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Saying prayers right now for you.
  20. buddy

    buddy New Member

    by the way. Its a new year and county budgets have all restarted. Docs are not good at resources or thinking outside of the box. Status quo seems like a pretty cold reply to ur situation right? What abt the other options? Homebound if she is that sick? Can u Tell him exactly what u want him to say? I have asked the doctor to be the bad guy lots of times. Have you called your insurance to ask what is covered inc intensive op? Where are u with school Special Education? Here's what I did ...maybe it can work? If she gets aggressive have a plan to call 911 and and say u have a mentally ill. Child who needs to go to the hospital. Police and ambulance will come then. Thats what I did and then they do go in. She will learn then that you wont tolerate abuse. I KNOW how hard that is but no matter the cause I let q know I will always keep him and myself safe. She is sick...yes. But. Also holding your family hostage.