Well happy New Year....Uggh update on Son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Ironbutterfly, Jan 3, 2017.

  1. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Well Difficult Child who was settled in with a place to live the last 6 months and had a Pastor as his payee for his SSDI, SSI has left. He met a girl online few weeks ago and left to go live with her and her father and her 17 yr old son.

    He left last month for a week to go live with old friend, who used and abused him in the past, but he wanted to live with them. Pastor gave him his rent money back and he left. Only to return 11 days later because his friend and girlfriend left him to go back up North. He was living in a shed while they were trying to get an apartment rented. His friend and girlfriend were suppose to come up with half the rent- they blew it on drugs. They took son's money supposedly as well with the plan to use as deposit on apartment. Never happened. They ran with his money. I suspect my son was partying with them as well.

    Fast forward this month, he was in hole with rent from Pastor by moving back and so Pastor took his whole check this month to get caught up. He was raging on the phone yesterday. He had no money, but Pastor would loan him money until next month but then he would be in whole again. I hung up. I shut my phone off until today. I couldn't take it.

    Pastor called today and said he wants to leave he is here with some guy, who is the father of the girl he met and wants to live with. She owns a house and he can rent from her and she will be his payee, etc.

    He asked me, what do you want me to do, tell him no and keep him here or let him go. I was sick, being forced to make this decision. Son had texted me this girl's number last night. I called her, asked her questions. She works, owns his home, will charge him 400.00 rent, have his own room, utilities included. Her father was moving in as well.

    What do you do- I prayed over it and decided to let him go. I called Pastor and said give him rent money back and let him go. He is 36 and we can't force him to stay. Son had threatened to go to SS and cause a scene, I was afraid he would get arrested, etc.

    I told him, I want no drama. If he causes me drama, I will block him from my phone for a while. I told him no calls from these people asking for money. He should have plenty of money after rent to live on.

    He was doing well. But he said he was lonely, Pastor is old man, and disrespects him. Of course I reminded him how he has disrespected the people who love and care for him like myself and his Aunt. He accused the man of stealing from him, on and on, excuses. I've heard it before, many times. So, I will hold fast and true, if he calls with drama. He will have to figure it out. I will block him for a while. I can't and won't go down that road again with the drama calls. He never stays anywhere to long- he always gets mad at something and wants to move on. This is his life, will always be his life.

    I thanked the Pastor and his wife for caring for him these last 6 months. My son somehow always meets people, good and bad and lands on his feet somehow. He is going to have to figure it out if this doesn't work out.
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You did what you felt best and I agree with you. He's 36 and you cannot control his life.
    I know this is hard on you but you did good and you sound strong. You are keeping your boundaries in check by letting him know that you will not put up with drama.

    I hope this woman he's moving in with will be trust worthy.

    Hang in there! You are doing great.
  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I guess this is an ignorant question...but what does this woman get from your son besides rent? Is it a love thing?

    You made the right decision..it's his life...what if you weren't there to call.
  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Ugh, IB, what a choice, and quite the gun he put you under in terms of making a decision. That's the way of it, isn't it? NOW, NOW, NOW. I could feel myself tensing up just reading your post.

    You were very kind and went above and beyond to call the girl and scope the situation out first.

    I too think letting him go was the right course to take. You did good.

    Like my son, it is likely that he got mad about some perceived wrong and moved on from his situation with the pastor, but I have found many times that there is really no reasoning with them when they are in "justice mode."

    What's important is YOU, your peace of mind. Do nice for yourself and rest easy tonight.
  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry IB. These kids break our hearts over and over don't they? I actually told mine something like that today. He was starting his "I'm such a shifty, awful son" thing he does...keeping me on the phone and I told him I just couldn't take it. I told him we've never said anything to make him feel that way. We've never shown him anything but love but he won't stop and keeps on and on until he just breaks my heart. I think that actually shocked him.

    I pray your son gets his living situation under control.
  6. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Thank you. I have no idea if she is trust worthy or not. He is down South and have no way to know who "she really" is.

    He was really agitated talking to me- telling me Oh sure, don't believe me. YOU don't know how the Pastor treats me blah blah blah. Believe everyone else Mom but me.

    I talked to his Aunt before making the decision. We both agreed, we can't force him to stay. What if he went off and got police called on him for raging, which he does when he wants something now. Evidently he met her few weeks ago online. They could take his money and kick him out or worse, I was just sick. He put me and the Pastor in a bad place, but been there before. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.

    Boundaries- yes, for me it's my survival. I almost had a nervous breakdown last year when he had to leave up North to go down South to get away from crazy woman who threatened to put the Iron Coffins on him (motorcycle gang). She left me a VM telling me she was going to make him disappear. She has been investigated for a missing girl in the state they are from (my son and her). So I gave him money to get out of town and prayed he would be safe. He was for about 7 months (he left with the friend who just screwed him over).
  7. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Thank you. Yes, it's heart breaking- but my son, knows how to use the emotional blackmail on me. Tells me he will be with his old girlfriend, the love his life who died of OD two years ago. I have toughened up and told him to cut the crap when he starts in- then I tell him I have to go and talk him to later. Of course he speed dials his Aunt and then says my mom won't talk to me will you call her. Never ending cycle. They know they are breaking our hearts- but their wants and needs and survival always rank over our well being (in their minds). Son has called and apologized over the years and more recently when he moved back with Pastor . I just take it with a grain of salt. Because it's just words.
  8. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Albatross, thank you. That's exactly what it felt like- a gun to my head. You are so right, they are always the ones being hurt, disrespected. He said, if the Pastor was his age he would of knocked him out. Ironic they don't know how respect people that help them but they DEMAND respect. I think it's a street living thing. Justice mode is spot on.

    Only thing I could do is call her and try to get a feel for who she was. I have talked to people he has befriended and some of them sounded drugged out. She sounded normal- but who knows what is normal anymore.
  9. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Thank you. He said he met her online few weeks ago. I asked how old she was and she said 43. I asked if she owned or rented. She owns her own home. She works. Her father is moving in- he lost his job. Said she had 17 year old son. I have no idea if it is love relationship, if she is a scammer, or if she just is nice and willing to take in a renter. But how many women let a man they just met move in with them? Scary.

    If I would of said no, he would of gone off on someone or just walked off and lived in the woods after getting the rent money back and then did what with it? Drugs? Got robbed? Or worse. I won't live forever and he has to learn from his decisions even if they turn out bad for him. I can't save or rescue him. It's his walk. Time will tell how this will turn out soon I am sure.
  10. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Ironbutterfly, I'm following along.
    You are strong in your "detachment" armor, an example & inspiration. I like your concluding signature statement: Life has been like a roller coaster with-Difficult Child; I wait with baited breath for the down-hill rides and take joy in the uphill climbs. ~ How well we know the feeling!
    Hang in there, dear.
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  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Ugh is all I can say. I seriously would block him if you can. That works for me. You don't want to end up in a rubber room. I don't either.

  12. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    WELLLLLLLLLLLLL....update. It seems son and this lady and her father pulled a scheme. The scheme was to go to the Pastor/Landlord and say he was going to live with them- for Pastor to give them the rent money. Then, they split the money. Son gets half and they get half. He hasn't admitted to this- but I know this is what went down. He told me this morning, she was having hard time and it was put upon his heart to give her 250.00 to help her out. He is obsccessed about money and he wouldn't just give half the money to someone. He would give 5 OR 10 BUT not 250.00. He did this once years ago with attorney who was his payee. Man, I was slow on catching this scam. Face Palm. He doesn't want to live anywhere but among the woods people, tent city people. He has been preaching to them. Son is now living in the woods- where he says he is meant to be.

    Now, the house parents where he lived who really care about my son- are going tomorrow to try and be his payee and they will all get an apartment together. She did tell me that the Pastor was disrespecting my son in the way he talked to him. CSo my son was telling the truth on that- but it's so hard with these Difficult Child's- you never know is it the truth or a lie. That is what is so draining.

    Anyways- They have lived there 3 years and she said it is time for them to move on that it's all about the money with the Pastor. That he has changed and has become greedy. She called me and was just sick that son is living in woods, how it's going to get cold in next few days- he lives in a Southern state. I said well, he will survive he has been there before. She will let me know if she is accepted as his payee tomorrow. Maybe, they will get a place. They are good people and have helped my son for 7 months with many things.

    As the stomach turns. Until tomorrow...
  13. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Thank you....I'm feeling my armor has a severe dent in it right now.
  14. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Iron.
    ...maybe a small dent...
    I've followed for a year noting that our sons are much alike as described in your postscript. I've wished my son had a group type living with a pastor mentor and true to my form, I've felt like I should have found that for him. But I didn't.
    No matter what we do or don't, they still need the autonomy of figuring it out. Even with their limited ability, we are all limited in some ways and learn to compensate appropriately by trial and error. My son has a stipend as a native american, he no longer has SSI. Even when he had disability $ and native $ and was working, it was never enough. He blew through his $ like water, partying, being taken advantage of, just general poor choices. If the rent's due in a week, do you really need pizza delivery totaling $60? Can you afford to give "a friend" gas $? Working a scam with seedy people you just met on internet? Not our boys. It is so no win---for any of us.
    I really respect the way you are dealing with this all, your butterfly truly has some iron in it! Prayers.
  15. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh Iron, I sure didn't see that one coming.

    Yes, this is so true -- we never know which part of what they are telling us (if any) is the truth.

    It is good that he has these people to turn back to -- it sounds like they have at least proven their good intent based on helping him out over those months. I hope it all works out for him.