Well, he's settled. Now we'll see.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Nov 27, 2015.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Last night Jabber and I talked and decided we'd loan our son and his girlfriend the remaining rent (they were $145 short - yes, that means he spent the original deposit money she sent...or a good portion) so they could get in the apartment they found. I mentioned the other day on a thread, it's $375 a month, they can just pay off the deposit a little at a time, and their only utilities they have to pay for themselves is electric and cable/internet if/when they get that. They didn't even check the references and such. We met the landlord today and she had them sign a six month lease and gave them the key.

    Jabber and our son got furnishings (some, at least) while girlfriend and I went shopping. On Black Friday - Jeeze - to buy things they needed, towels, dishes, pots and pans, etc. They still need a few more things, but I'm bought out for now. I spent WAY more than I should have, but they're settled. I also took her to Goodwill and got her a warm coat for winter. She got a job application there and inquired at another place with a hiring sign. Our son wants her to get a job where he works, they're hiring, but she doesn't want to work there. I agree. I told them both that's actually a bad idea, if for no other reason than they won't have any time apart if they get ticked off at each other. Time apart is a good thing.

    I got to visit quite a bit with the girlfriend. She actually is a sweet girl. Frankly, what she sees in my son, I don't know. :p She did tell me, this is his last chance. She won't put up with his messing up anymore. she mentioned his ridiculous temper and that he acts like a child. Funny, since he talks about how she doesn't know how to do things, but the truth is she seems very mature compared to him. I did tell her that if she and he break up, I will take her wherever she wants to go, even if it causes him to be estranged from me. I told her, I've been in a position where I was trapped and couldn't figure out how to get away from a bad relationship and I would not leave any woman in that position, no matter who the man is. I told him the same.

    We'll see how it goes. Monetarily and otherwise, our part is done. I might give them the occasional ride when the bus doesn't run, but otherwise it is up to them.

    We shall see.
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  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh Lil,
    I hope upon hope this all works out. You have done so much, I hope your son sees this and makes good on his wishes, with effort and action.

    Fingers crossed and prayers said.

    Hopefully, this is the time it all works out.



  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm going to be praying that things work out for them. What a very loving thing you did taking the girlfriend shopping to help them get started.

    This is so deja vu for me.

    I did go through this with my daughter in-law. I cherish her so much and am so grateful I have the relationship with her I do. Husband and I flew out to see her and our grandkids a couple of weeks ago.

    Thanks for sharing with us. It's nice to hear something good.

  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You are a great mom. I hope it works out for them.
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Lil I so understand why you did all you did and I am hoping this is a new start for him! We're here for you regardless but I am praying for all good things tonight!
  6. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    I was wondering when she was going to get to this point.
  7. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member


    I'm really hoping things turn out well.

    It will be lovely if they do.

    I've done that ... the shopping trip to buy kitchen stuff etc and spending way more than I planned to spend. I've done the giving of rent money and paying the bills and chats over coffee with the girlfriend. I felt sad reading your post when I thought back to all that optimism.

    That's nice Lil, it made me smile. I know what my son's girlfriend saw in my son, he's intelligent and driven, just in a strange direction. It's good when we can connect with someone who sees the spark of value in our troubled sons. It's good to share the concern and the love. It's good to share the frustration too and the knowledge that it's not going to be an easy road. Maybe she deserves your support. Maybe she will be some support to you.

    I'll be waiting for the next instalment and hoping the next chapter has some happy passages in it, a positive theme that makes us all anticipate the next-but-one chapter, like those novels that make you want to carry on reading even when you know you shoud be doing the housework.

  8. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Appearances can be deceiving but at least your son seems to be what in my country is very respected to put it like that he shows who he is for everybody if that makes sense. Not like he tries to that but he still shows that.
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Your mouth (fingers?) to God's ear.

    I'm going to attempt to keep myself somewhat detached...I know that, if he has us to help them with bills, etc., he won't do things on his own. We learned that the hard way. Even yesterday afternoon he was saying he has friends near the new place and if it weren't raining he'd walk over there...to which the girlfriend said something like "You aren't just sitting around, we have things to put up!" He's a guy and couldn't care less about anything like whether things are orderly.

    She was so sweet. Very excited that all we bought matched; gray, red and black shower curtain, gray rug, gray and red towels, etc. After all, it's her first place and she's a girl...a bit of a tom-boy...but still very much a girl.

    Not sure what you mean, unless it's that he doesn't pretend to be anything he's not? If so, yes, he's definitely that.

    girlfriend said to me yesterday, "You and your husband are just so normal, what happened to <ds>? He's just so HIM?" I told her I wish I knew...we had a talk about nature vs. nurture. We talked about his temper and how there's no talking him down when he's mad, you just leave him alone until he's over it. We talked a lot...

    At least she seems to know what she's getting into.

    I do find myself mentally micro-managing their lives...especially his. Having little conversations in my head about how he needs to call work, or getting fired; anticipating being asked for help or money or food...on and on and on. It's exhausting. :( I hope that now that they are moved, if I don't hear from them for a day or two, that will slow down. I hate when I start obsessing.
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2015
  10. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Well yeah that. Its a respectable quality in my country because of high corruption that got us burned so many times. We like people that can not pretend.
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well, I must admit, I'm already a tad disappointed in him. I decided tonight, as they don't have much in the line of food...and as I'd spent so much already...I'd spend a tiny bit more and take them some perishables, milk (which I had), eggs, bread, salt and pepper, etc. I told Difficult Child I was going to drop them by while running him to work and he mentioned that he'd left a whole gallon of orange juice at the other house. So I grabbed that too.

    Ran them by and girlfriend answered and I went in and was giving her the groceries and mentioned that he'd said he wanted orange juice. "Yes, for this." she said, frowning. Opened the freezer and there's a fifth of vodka.

    Really? I spent like $200 on them yesterday, in addition to the loan for the rent, and the first thing he does is spend what little they have on liquor. :mad: I am NOT happy.

    But, deep breath taken, I guess it could be worse. I've had a nice dose of reality - which I needed. It's not as though I didn't know he drinks. I can't expect that he suddenly changed completely and will be perfect. Not going to happen. If he works and pays the bills it's his life and his business. I'm his mom, but he's an adult (though still 6 months from legal drinking age) and I am not his keeper.

    I won't be buying anything else, except a couple of Christmas gifts.

    Certainly, I won't be buying any more orange juice.