Well I guess he beat me to it

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LauraH, Dec 9, 2018.

  1. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I know this sucks, but my daughter used to do crazy stuff like this all the time and it was to try to get to me. When she found out it didn't faze me she quit doing it. She always called again. My guess is he unfriended you because he knew it would upset you. Focus on you and do nice things for yourself. I'm glad you didn't answer the phone. Let him find out what it's like to only be acknowledged at someone's convenience. Hang in there.
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  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Laura, I feel your pain. My son used to call over and over--he has impulse and anxiety issues--and I finally quit answering. Sometimes it was a real situation and sometimes it was just the mood he was in. All I was doing was making myself crazy by picking up the phone.
    After years, I discovered that he was, indeed resilient. He did not react the way I would have, but he found his own path. Over and over.
    I read through the responses here before I posted, because, not knowing you or your history, I guessed that your son would be back when he needed something. That's the way my son was. But I didn't want to sound snotty or to hurt you. Then I saw that others here pretty much said that ... so I will say, for the record, my guess is that he will be back. Of course, you will guess and torture yourself, wondering why he called tonight. Try not to. Really. It is VERY hard work.
    At some point, when you are ready, not when HE is ready, speak to him. Not before then. Yes, he is sick. Yes, he needs help. Just because you don't answer every call does not mean you don't love him. You have proven your love and foresight (a trust! what a plan) and he is not ready to meet you halfway.
    Have faith, somehow, that it will happen. And if it doesn't, know that you did your best. We all do our best.
    I have walked a similar path. No idea where my son was, who he was with, whether he was freezing and homeless or indoors and high ... or alive. It is pure torture.
    That's why this board is here. Don't second-guess yourself. It is time to take care of yourself.
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  3. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Absolutely. I don't know if he was calling for further recriminations, to apologize, to ask for something...and he rarely leaves voicemails, today being no exception, so I will probably never know what exactly he wanted. I will not take his calls while I am still processing this latest blow to my heart. I honestly don't know what I will do if he shows up at my door before I am ready to speak with him. Close the door in his face seems cold but until I have fully come to grips with what may be my new normal, I don't want to have a conversation with him via any media on any topic. Maybe step outside and risk getting sucked into an exchange with him that I am not ready or equipped to do. Maybe just not open the door at all and tell I'm call him when I'm ready to talk. No idea...I guess I won't know what my reaction will be until that time comes.

    My phone rang a few minutes ago and I almost didn't even pick it up, fearing in my gut it was my son. Luckily I did, though, because it was sister-in=calling to update me on my husband's nephew's condition, who recently had a seizure that resulted in a fall in which he broke his back. Honestly it was a relief to be able to focus on someone else's issues instead of my own for a brief period.

    Oh hey, also, when the folks who pray say your nightly prayers, please say a quick one for a dear high school friend of mine. His wife is in the final stages of alzheimer's and just today Hospice was over for an evaluation. Fortunately she will be getting in-home care at least for the time being but my friend is beside himself. I had reached out to him this morning because something put him in my heart and mind, and that's when he told me this latest development. He said Laura I thought I was prepared for this day but I am not at all, I am a basket case. Of course we are never fully prepared for this kind of loss no matter how much we think we are. So just remember that family in your thoughts and prayers please.
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  4. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Laura, I've read through all the posts and just wanted to say how sorry I am for the hurt and anger you are feeling right now. Our son, as far as I know, isn't using drugs, but his Bipolar tendencies definitely make him a profane, hateful person right now. He has called us every name in the book and blames us for everything that has gone wrong in his life. No accountability whatsoever. Last week, he flatly refused to come home for Christmas and spend time with us. He just doesn't want to. So I can feel some of the hurt, rejection, anger you are experiencing and have decided that I can't continue to let him tear my soul apart. I can see how its affecting me, and I have to protect myself at this point or I will be destroyed by it.
    I really liked the idea that SWOT mentioned about designating a specific time to call and the amount of time and not putting up with abuse. I will keep that in mind if I ever decide to respond to any texts or calls from J.
    I agree with what others have said about your son manipulating you and exerting power by doing the only thing he can--hurt you. And yes, I too think you will hear from him again.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am really sorry. Doesnt he drink though? Alcoholism is substance abuse and vauses crazy behavior too.

    Being mean is less bipolar and more often undiagnosed personality disorders....borderline, narcissistic, and antisocial. Bipolar just doesnt cause chronic meanness. And it is very treatable.

    Im not sure it matters, but want to set the record straight on bipolar. It used to be and still is often diagnosed instead of personality disorders because personality disorders are new to the psychiatric community anf less understood, and forms of bipolar are more familiar to psychiatrists. But psychiatry is inexact and many people get bipolar medications that dont work because its not bipolar.

    Love and light!!!
  6. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    He's a casual drinker. His "poison" or choice is crystal meth and now apparently heroin. And yes that is a HUGE factor in his mental issues and behavior. Honestly I don't see how his legit medications could be effective at all with the other garbage he's feeding his system on top of them.
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  7. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I believe when he was in Chicago he was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. And I've sort of "self-diagnosed" him as narcissistic but no official diagnosis of that that I'm aware of.
  8. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    He's called me three or four times today, which I ignored, and then a text offering me $30 or $40 of his foodstamps if I would call him an Uber this evening to get to work (distributing flyers for a local pizza place). So far I haven't responded to the text but if I do it will be to tell him that you don't get to cut someone out of your life and then turn around and ask them to help you with anything.

    This morning I was rereading his message from Sunday and noticed that it said "I am cutting you out of my life *for the most part*. I guess "for the most part" is code for "unless I need you to do something for me." Sorry, that's not how it works.
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I dont believe he needs an Uber but its up to you.
    Is he asking for cash? If so, not a good idea in my opinion.

    Not to be negative but I dont believe that a serious drug addict can drink casually. That alcohol or more may be what he is showing you.

    Borderline sounds more likely than bipolar. They are always angry.
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
  10. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I've never been anything close to an addict but I did play around with different drugs when I was in college and a few years after. I rarely drank during this time, my preference was the different highs I got from the various drugs. I can't say with 100% certainty about my son but I haven't seen much evidence of drinking except when he goes with friends to the bars, which as far as I know has just been a few times since he's been here. I am pretty sure that his drug intake far exceeds his alcohol intake substantially.
  11. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I composed a text telling him that his latest stunt is probably the most hurtful thing he has ever done and that I am more angry than hurt. And that he doesn't get to cut someone from his life and then turn around and ask them for help with something. It's just sitting there on my phone's screen waiting for me to send it or delete. I'm not sure which is the best option. Either way I would still be the "bad guy" for ignoring him, or the "bad guy" for not agreeing to call him an Uber. And part of me says that if I respond, even in the negative, it will open a pandora's box of him arguing, trying to negotiate or persuade, or giving him a platform for further hurtful and abusive words.

    It's telling that his text was all business, not one word of remorse or apology. Did anybody really think an apology would be forthcoming? I think it's the nature of the beast that this is a new day and therefore yesterday never happened, so no apology or acknowledgement on their part is required.
  12. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I would send. But I would keep it very simple: "You don't get to say you're cutting me out of your life one day and then come to me for favors the next day. I am not your fixer. You're going to have to figure this one out on your own."

    And if he argues or gets abusive, tell him you're blocking him until he can calm down and be civil - and then do it.

    These kids of ours.
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  13. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Sent. If he texts back wanting to negotiate or argue, I simply won't respond. I won't block him on my phone but I will not answer his call(s) until I feel ready to, and I will read his texts and/or listen to his voicemails (in case he's at the hospital or something) but other than a medical emergency situation I won't respond to them either.
  14. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I took a couple of days to wallow (in my emotion, not in self pity) kind of like staying in bed for two days with the flu. Today I took a space heater into the bathroom, got it all nice and toasty, stood under the hot shower for 20 or 30 minutes, dried off with a towel warmed by the heater. That was spa day enough for me! :)
  15. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    I want Uber
    I want money

    for the most part unless he wants something.

    Block his number for a week. that way you won't know if he trys to contact or not. It will do you good not to have your heart race when you hear that tone chime.
  16. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Talk about unmitigated gall and nerve...my husband went to bed last night around 11. About 10 - 15 minutes after he went to bed there was a knock at the door. I knew in my heart who it was so I went to the bedroom and asked my husband to answer it while I stayed in the bedroom. Son told husband that he had just gotten off work (turns out it's a new job as a server at Pizza Hut, not delivering flyers for a local pizzeria) and wanting to know his roommate's phone number so he could call and tell her he would be getting in a little past midnight (midnight is, from my understanding, the cutoff time they agreed on, where if he's out past midnight he's out for the night). Supposedly he didn't have a phone, or at least didn't have a phone on him. I had to come out of hiding to give him the number but when he called he said there was no answer. Truth or lie, who knows. At any rate, because it was so cold, we felt like our only options were to call him an Uber so he could get "home" before midnight or let him stay on our couch for the night. Not willing to put any more Uber charges on any of our cards, we let him stay. My husband made sure he was up when he got up to get ready for work and he was just leaving when I woke up and came out in the living room. He thanked my husband for letting him spend the night and left. From the moment he got here to the time he left, not one word of acknowledgment or apology to me. Not one.

    An hour after he left he called me (number that showed up was some kind of wifi calling app from Chicago...no clue how he did that without a phone, but I digress) saying he wanted "to talk". I told him I wasn't ready to talk yet, and he said "But we need to talk." I said maybe, but not yet, and I would let him know when I felt like having a conversation with him. He then said he needed us to get his medications (today is one week exactly from the last time we got his medications). Really? The first time we paid for his medications was supposed to be the only time. Then last week was it, no more after this. I guess he figured we would make this week "the last" until next week, and so on. Ba-Lo_ney! He's had ample opportunity and information to reach out to various agencies that could help him with his medications. It's not our fault that other "things" took precedence and had more priority for him.

    Had he found a program that would help with medications, gotten enrolled, and needed us to pay for a week or two until he got his first paycheck, that might (MIGHT) be different, although after the events of Sunday night that might not have made a difference to me. But he has done nothing that I'm aware of to get his affairs in order.

    I told him that he doesn't get to say what he said and do what he did and then ask for anything...basically what I texted him yesterday after he asked us to call an Uber for him to get to work. He then went on a tirade about how I wasn't being fair and how I'm refusing to own all the horrible things I've done that "forced" him to block me from his life ("for the most part"). As far as I'm concerned the last two words of his message Sunday, "Goodbye, mother" sealed the deal. I have nothing to say to him at this point and am not interested in what he has to say to me until he 1, apologizes, 2, unblocks me on Facebook, and can show me that he's made some progress in getting help for himself by himself. If he does even one of those things I might consider having a conversation with him. If not, he made his decision and I've made mine. After a couple of minutes and after he said "So you're just going to let me suffer?" I didn't say it but I was thinking no, YOU'RE going to let yourself 'suffer'. I said "This is pointless. I'm hanging up." and I did. He didn't call back but I'm sure this isn't the end. I'm also sure that now he feels "vindicated" in his nasty assessment of me. I'm the "bad guy" So be it. My life is in order and I don't need him to survive or get by. If he needs me and my husband to survive and get by, well, he should have thought about the consequences of what he did and said Sunday. Because whether he's off or on his medications, sleeping on someone's couch or a park bench, working or unemployed, broke or money in his pocket, it is no longer our problem or concern. And he has only himself to blame for that. (Remember, I'm "dangerous and a hindrance to his recovery and leading a successful life" but not bad enough to stop him from asking for help and favors.) If this was anyone other than my only child, it would be laughable.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2018
  17. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh the restraint that must have taken. I would have said it, or something to the effect of "you bring all the suffering on yourself".
    You are standing strong and firm in your boundaries.
    I'm glad you can see through his attempt to guilt you into helping him. None of us are perfect parents, there is no such thing. We have all made mistakes and done things we wish we could have done differently. We have done the very best we could and that's enough. For our adult children to try and blame us for their poor choices is beyond sad. I remember a few years back my son went on one of his "rants" about how I screwed up his life. My response to him was "Sorry son, I'm just not that powerful. You are an adult and have been making poor life choices for yourself for years without any input from me" His response was F YOU and hung up. I'll admit, I chuckled because I knew I had hit a nerve.

    You are doing great Laura!! Stay steady the course.
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  18. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    With me and my son, the less said, the better. I belong to a "loved ones of addicts" support group and a "loved ones of bipolar" support group, and on one of them, the addicts group I think, someone had posted a meme which said "Talking to a narcissist is like being arrested. Everything you say will be used against you." That pretty much sums it up with me and my son in a nutshell. If I keep speaking he sees it as an opening to rebut or take further jabs at me. I wanted to, oh how I wanted to, but I knew better than to give him an opening. So I kept my mouth shut and kept that thought to myself.
  19. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Love this!! Need it on a T-shirt ;)

    My son is the same way. He can talk in circles like no one I have ever known. He has left me literally dizzy.
    I too find it best not to say much and not to engage him because it never ends well.
  20. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    OMG yes! He gets me so flustered I can't remember what my original point was or where I was going with it. Which of course then means he "wins".