Well I guess he beat me to it

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LauraH, Dec 9, 2018.

  1. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Laura, He was totally disrespectful saying you are out of his life BUT then you opened the door for him. You didn't need to let him in pay or UBER or let him sleep at your place.
    And facebook? Really? Why in the world do you need to be on your adult kids fb account? Because you want to see his posts? Because you give him money and want to see what he is doings. Solve the problem. DON't give him money! He isn't going to get his butt to SS of jobs and family services for assistance as long as he has you to wipe his butt.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Less is more.

    Dont try to talk to him. Get off fast. Tell him you are busy. Disconnect. Block Dont answer

    Dont engage. He wants to make you feel bad. Dont give him time.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2018
  3. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Less is more is absolutely right. That's why I hung up when I did, rather than trying to keep going over the same ground with him and getting nowhere. I know he is trying to guilt me into carrying him so he is free to live his carefree life but if that was him aim for what he did Sunday it backfired. The main reason I want to be connected with him on Facebook is that sometimes like when he doesn't have access to a phone, that's our only means of communication. But since he is still connected to my husband I guess my husband can message him if it's something really important. And beyond anything drastic, right now I have nothing to say to him.

    His twisted mind has convinced him that I really have done the vile things he's accused me of. Or he's trying to make me feel bad and/or guilty. But I feel neither. I only feel angrier and more distant and more inclined to be "out of his life" like he said he wanted. He did (I guess) what he thought he had to do and I'm now doing what I think I have to do.
  4. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    But you're right about one thing. The Facebook thing is the least of my concerns. An apology would probably be just empty words, even though he is such a great actor he could make it sound oh so sincere and from the heart. At this point, I'm not buying it. (But I do want one just the same). The litmus test is...what is he willing and able to do for himself? So far not much, if anything. One NA meeting and one stint in a psychiatric stabilization unit. In almost two months that's all he's accomplished. And now he has a job at Pizza Hut that he started yesterday. Part time or full time I don't know. How long that will last is anybody's guess.

    I don't know if he will have the ***** to show up at our door tonight or not. I'm half expecting him to. I'm unsure how I'll react if he does. Last night was a one-off...at least as far as my husband and I are concerned. He asked my son what he planned to do "tomorrow night" (tonight) and the night after that, etc. My son told him that now that he knows his work schedule he can make whatever arrangements he needs to with his "roommate" (I say roommate because I'm tired of typing "the friend he's supposedly staying with" lol). If he shows up tonight with some cock and bull story, I hope my husband and I, especially I, have the fortitude to tell him "too bad." Maybe if he complains about the cold we'll give him an extra jacket and a blanket, same as I would do for any homeless person stuck out on the street. None of that may even happen. Lord, I hope not. I'm just rehearsing in my mind what I hope we will do if it comes to pass.

    I'm not Catholic but there's a Catholic church nearby (where the Nar-Anon meetings are held) that seems to have a huge outreach ministry. I am planning on calling or visiting them tomorrow to see if I can talk to the priest and/or see if they have spiritual counseling (on a sliding scale) that I could start. My son has stolen my Christmas spirit...correction, I've allowed him to...and that is not acceptable. If I don't do anything else, I am going to break out mother's 76 year old Nativity and focus on the real importance of Christmas, as well as feel closer to my mother. I miss her so much, even more than I usually do.
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  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I think getting pastoral help for yourself is amazingly awesome. Go, go! :)
  6. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Well it certainly can't hurt. :) We're planning to go there for one of the Christmas Eve masses. I'm Methodist but the nearby Methodist church's only Christmas Eve service is at 5, and my husband won't be home from work yet. This will be my third mass. My first was when I was six at my brother's wedding. The second was a couple of years ago at a dear friend's funeral mass. I regret that I won't be able to take communion, though. The Methodist church does open communion, open to anyone 12 or over who wishes to partake. But I think you have to be Catholic, and I know you have to have gone to confession before partaking at a mass.
  7. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Laura, Maybe you would find some peace just going into a church and sitting and breathing in the peace. leave the phone in the car, better yet leave it at home. Since you don't know what # your son may use next can you just set your phone to silent or...I found another way. I put my phone to driving mode and everything goes to voice mail with a message saying "I am driving right now. I will return call when I am available" I love that mode. I has gotten me out of answering a lot of calls.
    I wish you and your husband would just impose a week break from son. Tell him you are leaving town so don't bother coming over or calling. You'll be back January 10th.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    "YOU'RE going to let yourself 'suffer'." I actually said that to my son in a nearly identical conversation. He twisted it and yelled, "I am not making myself suffer!"
    Yeah, a waste of time.
    How relieved I am that those years are over. Forever, I hope. This is the hard part, Laura. Okay, it's all the hard part. But this is really hard.
  9. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    How old is your son? Was he battling a mental disorder, addiction, or both? And did he make it through to the other side?
  10. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Well guess who just stopped by. His job is near where I live and he had taken the bus but had about an hour to kill before work. I did not let him inside but agreed to sit outside on the porch. We talked for a good part of that hour, I think we made some headway but I am still treading cautiously. I didn't mention Christmas Eve but depending on what transpires between now and then I might invite him to go to church with my husband and me.

    Believe it or not, he didn't ask for anything, and he had some really good news. After I flat out refused yesterday to spend another $16 for a week's supply of one...ONE...of his five medications, he had no choice but to go to the clinic he's been putting off, and he got a full month's supply of ALL his medications at no cost! He thinks because he's more or less a transient and only working part time currently he may be able to get them free every month for the foreseeable future. I wish he had done that sooner but no use looking in the rearview mirror. I'm just glad I held firm and refused to budge.

    He never directly apologized for anything and still seems to believe that I was lying about an alleged conversation between me and his ex "behind his back." If he wants to hold onto that belief, that's up to him, and I told him so. I know the truth and if he doesn't, that's his cross to bear.

    Ironically, I've switched back and forth the last few days from despair to sadness to anger and totally devoid of happiness over the Christmas season. But today I had to run to Walgreens and for whatever reason, I found myself humming "No Place Like Home for the Holidays" (last song I heard in the store, I guess) all the way home. I'm really glad I was in a happy and peaceful frame of mind when my son showed up. I was able to be civil and even pleasant, if a little reserved, without getting emotional. As he was leaving for work I told him I love him...which of course I do and always will...and he reciprocated.

    He also says he's been clean the entire time between last Sunday and now. I tend to believe him because he wasn't spouting off about his paranoid delusions, nor was he fidgety like I've seen when he was either high or coming down. I only hope he will pursue in- or out-patient rehab and/or meetings, but I won't ask him about that unless he brings it up, nor will I suggest it. That is entirely up to him, as is any outcome, just praying that he will try his hardest to stay clean.
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  11. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Trust me, it is. I have nothing to prove to him, and he has so much to prove to me yet.

    I have no expectations, positive or negative, about him. None. I also have no intention of looking farther ahead at our relationship than today. Tomorrow will be another day and I will focus on that day at that time.

    Yep, like I told him, you don't get to do and say what you did and then ask me for anything. That took a lot of nerve, and not in a good way.

    I don't feel like I am in any physical danger, if that's what you mean, and I have no intention of handing over any more money He hinted that he wished he could find someone to loan him $25. I kept mum. No point in me saying "Don't look at me" when he didn't ask outright, so I just kept my mouth shut.

    As for Christmas, and I was planning to do this anyway, I'm going to take his old childhood stocking, which is pretty big, and fill it up with stuff from the Dollar Tree that he can use like razors, socks, deodorant, etc. and possibly a 31-day bus pass. No money and nothing of any monetary value that he can sell or trade for drugs...with the possible exception of the bus pass, and I haven't definitely decided yet if I'm going to include that for that very reason.

    Earlier today I was feeling like something between Scrooge and the Grinch, but all the joy of the season came back to me when I realized I was humming an upbeat Christmas song on the way home from Walgreens. You may knock me down, but you can't keep me down!
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I rhought I was too negative so I deleted it....but guess you read it already!!

    I am not afraid for your physical danger. I am co cerned about your mental health, physical health, financial health and perhaps destruction in the house.

    I am glad you didnt ler him in and Im glad you are more cheerful!

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  13. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    You were NOT "too negative" you were realistic, and every point was valid and align perfectly with my thoughts as well. In the past I might have thought "Yay, we're good again". But he's a great actor and con artist so I may be cautiously optimistic but way more cautious than optimistic.

    There was a time in the distant past that I did harbor a fear for my physical safety. I think that's in the past but the dark state that he has been in the last couple of weeks put me on high alert. When I was on the porch with him I had my phone with me, just in case.
  14. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I have felt like that many times it is not pleasant.
  15. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Fingers crossed that since you stood firm about not paying for medications and he went and got help that it was a bit of a turning point for him, and you!
    If the subject of his ex saying you said stuff to him again I would take his face in my hands keep direct eye contact and say, "Who do you KNOW loves you regardless of your sh!t behavior? Who do you KNOW would never hurt you? Before you ever believe something from the ex (inset name) please think with your own brain." He needs to realize how stupid and toxic that ex is.
  16. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    He has trust issues, even with me and that wouldn't work with him. But what I did say when he mentioned it was that nothing happened the way he said it did, told him the truth of what really happened, and then said "Believe what you want to believe." He didn't belabor or pursue it further so I don't know if his misperceptions will continue to fester or if he will be able to move past it.