Copa, I am so sorry that you went through that. Even at such a young age, you still protected your little sister. You still have a heart of gold.
I went throught custody mediation with my first husband. My ex was a Vietnam Nam veteran and had been abusive, physically to me and psychologically to my sons. I had physical custody of them and just asked for the minimum amount of child support and no spousal. I wanted to be free of him.
You are right...you do not want to bring up his mental issues. I fought my late onset schizophrenic sister in court for 3 years because my brother had, without my kniwledge, used the funds from my parents estate and trust. Her attorney told ours...try to mention her health condition and see what happens... My brother caused us to lose $200,000 and an additional $100,000 in attorney fees.
My exhusband's and my attorney came up with an agreement, out of court, to have his sister or mother or my brother along for visits. My sons were afraid of him. My youngest was a baby. That went on for a while. Then he took me to court to see them alone. The older two were 11 and 8. We saw a court appointed mediator. He knew that the older two boys did not want to see him and told they mediator in private.
He wanted the then toddler alone... The mediator granted that the boys did not have to see him...but my youngest did. My older two sons were afraid for their youngest and so were brave and always went along to protect him. They decided this on their own. I felt horrible that they went through this.
He was holding my youngest son and almost got into a fight at a mall. They told me how he was mad that another man took his spot. He drove crazily and then walked over and stuck his face into the other guys car window and threatened to fight him...while holding my youngest son. That wasn't even enough to stop visitations.
Once he told me that they were going out to dinner. He took them out on a long drive into the mountains to look for meteors. My second son was afraid and pretended that he heard something in the bushes so that he would take them back where there we more people. They were gone until after midnight and he would not let them call to tell me they were going to be late. He still had visitations.
I would get a therapist directly involved. If your ex has had no serious issues for a while then he would probably get some visitation. My ex was supposed to see them on Wednesday nights and every other Sunday. He started seeing them more in the beginning just to bother us and show that he could. Then it became less and less and less...
You took a very small amount for child support. In California in court you have to take a legal minimum amount. Your agreement must have been handled out of court.
His child support payment was set according to these set days to visit. The understanding was that he would spend money on them. Quite soon, the visits fizzled out almost completely except for holidays, which I was very happy about.
When my youngest got much older he saw him and now still sees him. He never knew him at his worst.
The court awarded him to have therapy for his anger issues, go to parenting classes, and AA. The boys and myself were mandated to go to counseling. I went to battered women for 2 years on my own accord. I had nightmares that he kidnapped my youngest son.
I know that this did not do any good for my sons to live through my exhusband's violence and temper...especially the eldest...my ill son. I still blame myself. This was another case of my past and numbing out from my childhood. My sister, my ex, and now my ill son have all threatened my life on many occasions.
Get a therapist involved and fight, whether privately or in court, for supervised visits. My ex never was angry or violent when family or other adults were present. He was the perfect gentleman in front of others. Does he or you have famiily members that you would trust on visits? He would probably find this more agreeable than someone who is court appointed...and it's also cheaper.
It was court ordered that the first few visits with my youngest alone, although my other sons would go as well to protect him, were outside of my house on the steps. My youngest was 1 1/2 and did not know him. He did that a few times and then went on short visits out. Then the time away was increased gradually. He was to return them on time. I never saw him. I just looked outside the drapes when he dropped him off. I still never see him.
The judge usually goes along with the mediator's decisions. I never saw a judge. I had a friend who had a very dragged out custody case and the judge would get very angry if they brought up things and bickered. Her ex was a cocaine addict that sold at their house when they were married.
They just want to figure out what is best for your daughter. He has rights...and your daughter needs to be psychologically safe.
My youngest likes his dad today. The others couldn't be bothered. They knew the monster. It was very difficult not to trash my ex to my youngest. I figured that it was best not to turn him against him. My ex was in ongoing therapy. It would only make my son feel badly about himself. Don't get me wrong...i kept very close tabs on thngs. If he had done something bad, we would have gone back to court. My ex was ordered therapy and he was okay with him. My youngest never saw the other side...still hasn't. I just felt scared and sad for my other two sons who went, even in fear, to protect their youngest son.
I found that you could not bring things up that happened in the past. They want the last 6 months on.
I hope that this helped some. The laws are different in each state. There is also free legal advice offered at our courthouse and a law library. You could also see a paralegal to get your rights.
They also have books with do it yourself forms for divorce and I think...visitation. My custody was never challenged or affected, just visitations.
Good luck! Sometimes exhusbands just ask for visits to throw their weight around to prove to you that they can...
