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Well I Knew It Would Happen Sooner Or Later....
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 666526" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I don't know if I would worry as much about the legalities as about the impact on your daughter. What would a visit do to her, esp emotionally? What would the impact be if she found out years later that he tried to visit but you refused to allow it? Would she listen and understand your refusal or would she be angry and just focus on the Disneyland dad dream of how great it would have been to have had him come back and want her and how you refused just to be mean/deprive her?</p><p></p><p>The type of things he put her through and how they hurt her would be part of what I considered. Also, will he actually respect your rules and boundaries if you do allow the visit? What happens if he just decides to show up with-o warning one day soon?</p><p></p><p>Is your daughter seeing a therapist, or did she see one she truly trusted back when things were bad with him? I would absolutely talk to that therapist or find one to ask about the impact of allowing or denying contact at this point before I made a decision. If he does decide to go to court, this would weigh very heavily in supporting whatever decision you make.</p><p></p><p>In general, kids need both parents and allowing at least a visit or two with you there to supervise would be my choice. BUT depending on the problem and trauma your daughter has been through, I might decide that there was no way in this life or the next that I would allow visitation. This is why I think you need the input of a therapist, esp if there is one that your daughter trusted.</p><p></p><p>At least the first visits should be supervised, if you allow them. I think you need a neutral 3rd party who knows the situation in addition to you to supervise. This way if you say he did things that were not appropriate, it isn't just your word against his. This can help take you out of the position of the meanie who kept her father from her if things go badly and future visits must be refused. "Therapist X heard what happened from Mr. Y and said that more visits would hurt you so I had to stop future visits until you were an adult, sweetie. I hated to do it, but they said it would hurt you more to see him again. I'm so sorry!" This would be a lot better for your relationship with her as she dealt with things than just thinking you made the decisions by yourself. It takes the feelings you have for your ex regarding how he treated you off the table and focuses on how he treated her, Know what I mean?? I am not sure I am saying this the way I want to, but I think you get the idea.</p><p></p><p>Whatever you do, do NOT NOT NOT take the blame for his actions. I have an aunt who bent over backward to make a relationship between her ex and their son. More than once she lied and said that his father couldn't come because of a decision she made when really his father flat out refused to come. She also worked 2-4 job rather than make his father pay even the pitifully low court ordered child support and didn't tell my cousin that it was due to the lack of support from his dad. She took the blame for a TON of nasty stuff his father did and years later it caused MAJOR problems between them. They spent about five years in therapy separately and together to work it all out. If it wasn't for the therapy, they probably wouldn't even speak now because my cousin was so hurt and angry about it all. Learn from that and be honest with her, at an age appropriate level, when thing come up.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 666526, member: 1233"] I don't know if I would worry as much about the legalities as about the impact on your daughter. What would a visit do to her, esp emotionally? What would the impact be if she found out years later that he tried to visit but you refused to allow it? Would she listen and understand your refusal or would she be angry and just focus on the Disneyland dad dream of how great it would have been to have had him come back and want her and how you refused just to be mean/deprive her? The type of things he put her through and how they hurt her would be part of what I considered. Also, will he actually respect your rules and boundaries if you do allow the visit? What happens if he just decides to show up with-o warning one day soon? Is your daughter seeing a therapist, or did she see one she truly trusted back when things were bad with him? I would absolutely talk to that therapist or find one to ask about the impact of allowing or denying contact at this point before I made a decision. If he does decide to go to court, this would weigh very heavily in supporting whatever decision you make. In general, kids need both parents and allowing at least a visit or two with you there to supervise would be my choice. BUT depending on the problem and trauma your daughter has been through, I might decide that there was no way in this life or the next that I would allow visitation. This is why I think you need the input of a therapist, esp if there is one that your daughter trusted. At least the first visits should be supervised, if you allow them. I think you need a neutral 3rd party who knows the situation in addition to you to supervise. This way if you say he did things that were not appropriate, it isn't just your word against his. This can help take you out of the position of the meanie who kept her father from her if things go badly and future visits must be refused. "Therapist X heard what happened from Mr. Y and said that more visits would hurt you so I had to stop future visits until you were an adult, sweetie. I hated to do it, but they said it would hurt you more to see him again. I'm so sorry!" This would be a lot better for your relationship with her as she dealt with things than just thinking you made the decisions by yourself. It takes the feelings you have for your ex regarding how he treated you off the table and focuses on how he treated her, Know what I mean?? I am not sure I am saying this the way I want to, but I think you get the idea. Whatever you do, do NOT NOT NOT take the blame for his actions. I have an aunt who bent over backward to make a relationship between her ex and their son. More than once she lied and said that his father couldn't come because of a decision she made when really his father flat out refused to come. She also worked 2-4 job rather than make his father pay even the pitifully low court ordered child support and didn't tell my cousin that it was due to the lack of support from his dad. She took the blame for a TON of nasty stuff his father did and years later it caused MAJOR problems between them. They spent about five years in therapy separately and together to work it all out. If it wasn't for the therapy, they probably wouldn't even speak now because my cousin was so hurt and angry about it all. Learn from that and be honest with her, at an age appropriate level, when thing come up. [/QUOTE]
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