Well I might as well just give up now

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DammitJanet, Mar 12, 2013.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was completely played by Tony and made to look like an utter fool. Nothing I ever say or do will believed anymore and it will just be referred back to as "like you thought he stole?" Im just done.

    Turns out earlier tonight Tony called Cory and happened to mention to him the missing items. Seems that at some point in the past several weeks Cory decided to come to the house and help himself to a bunch of my mother's antiques because he wanted to decorate his house with them. Now Im not entirely believing this one entirely. I actually think he may have been wanting to sell them but found out they were silver plate and pewter which no one will buy. I am furious at him about this but in reality he is right in the fact that these were going to be his one day. Just not right now. I am more furious he never told me. His answer that I wasnt using it isnt cutting it with me but the fact that he told his father then his father came in and made this whole grand theater out of asking me if I wanted to talk to Cory and when I was acting like no, not unless something major was wrong, he started in with all the missing stuff and it was this really poor acting job of acting like he was just so shocked while the phone was on speaker phone.

    Then Tony makes this big deal out of saying...Oh Cory, you had your mother so worried. She was thinking Buck stole them. I was so sure neither you nor Buck did but that they had to just be misplaced in the house somewhere.

    Oh bs. Tony said "this isnt Cory I know. It has to be Buck." I still dont know how Cory managed it. Some of the stuff he got was in a closet in a room slam packed full of junk that he would have to climb through and move stuff aside in order to go through and I think I would have noticed him doing it. He cant even tell me when he did it. Buck would have had to be here. When we talked about all this didnt he think to say, oh that stuff is what Cory took out? Cory says there is a 5 gallon bucket full. Someone would notice someone carrying out that much.

    I dont know what Im not buying but Im not buying any of this whole story. Im mad at everyone right now. Everyone but Billy.

    I was made to apologize to Buck.

    Even though our sugar jar is still missing and he has accused me all day long about it and whined about it. This afternoon I noticed he was making coffee and I asked him if he had found the sugar since he was making coffee and he said "I got some sugar" in a snotty voice and went back to his room. I thought that meant he went out to buy some. Do remember that just Monday night he was giving me grief and accusing me about the sugar. Turns out that Monday night Tony brought home a new bag and Buck put it in a big coffee container and hid it in the kitchen and didnt tell any of us where it was. When he said he got some sugar I was left thinking he must have bought a small bag just for himself because I was thinking about having a bowl of cereal but when I looked in the kitchen I didnt see any sugar. I knocked on his door and asked if he knew where the sugar was and he didnt answer. I didnt keep at it.

    Well...I found out about Tony buying the new sugar when I was in the pantry looking for the ingredients for dinner last night and I noticed this huge red container of coffee and I thought it was odd since Tony always buys these small cans. I picked the big plastic red container up and shook it and it felt odd and I opened it and it was sugar! At first I thought...aha! Someone probably broke the jar and just put it in here and this was the answer to the missing sugar. Tony and Buck were outside with a friend so I ran outside with that and said I found the missing sugar....and Buck had to fess up that it was sugar Tony had bought Monday night. I of course was shocked about that. Im still confused but everyone is convinced I am behind the sugar now that I blamed Buck for no reason. The fact that he blamed us for taking his pillow and guitar when we didnt is all forgotten.

    Im going to start making my plans on how to get out from under this. My best way would be if Tony would agree to buy me out. I would give him a good deal and let him make payments which would actually be better for me. He cant actually own property in his name so I would just put it into Jamie's name or Billy's. Either, doesnt matter. I dont know that he will though. If he wont, I will just have to have a mobile home dealer come in and tow it away and get what I can get for it. The downside to that is no one will have a place to live. I dont know that he would ever be able to buy another place to put on this land to be honest...not with his credit problems. Buying me out would be his only way. Buck is going to ruin him if he isnt careful. Buck is actually going to leave Tony homeless because I will almost bet you that Buck will find somewhere else to go. If I go, I wont take Tony.

    There is one third option. My house is big enough to turn into a duplex fairly easily. My master bedroom is at least as big as most NYC apartments. Right now I have a king sized bed and a twin sized hospital bed side by side along one wall in just the bedroom and I have plenty of room to spare. I also have a large walk in closet, an office that is the size of a small bedroom and a very big master bath with a garden tub, separate shower and double sink and linen closet.

    You could easily use part of the closet, linen closet and one sink to turn it into a kitchen area and have a studio apartment. Block off the door leading into the room from the living room and put an entrance from one of the windows.

    I just dont know. Got a whole lot of thinking to do.
  2. gsingjane

    gsingjane New Member

    Oh dear, this almost sounds like that horrible old movie, "Gaslight" - have you heard of it? Google on it if no.

    If I understand this correctly, your partner, Tony, has decided to align himself with his brother, Buck (your brother in law) rather than you, his partner of 30 years? You are expected to support Buck in his dysfunction, indefinitely?

    If so, then it certainly does sound as if you're making appropriate moves to dis-entangle yourself from the whole situation.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    (((((hugs)))))) Janet

    With the condition you've described the home on here? Tony has 2 choices only. Buy you out or you have a city code inspector out there to condemn the place. If it's condemned, disability can't say it's an asset by any means as it has zero value. It doesn't take as much to get a home condemned as you think it does. That would probably shake Tony up enough to buy you out. If not, he can buy himself another trailer to live in. If he can't do that? Not your problem, hon.

    IF Cory took the things on his own accord; he was wrong and his logic was flawed. But I'm with you, that seems odd. Why didn't Cory just ask you, instead of taking them and making you think someone took them? That doesn't make much sense. I know he's a difficult child.......but still. And how does Cory helping himself somehow turn it around to being your fault? You didn't tell him he could have them then turn around and accuse Buck of stealing. You didn't even know he'd taken them, nor had any reason to believe that he did. Tony's over the top dramatic reaction makes one wonder.

    Last thing on earth I'd have done is apologize to Buck, there would be no forcing it. You had no reason to apologize to anyone.

    No place to live is worth such misery, Janet. Nothing is worth that sort of misery.

  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janet, I'm so sorry, you've literally been forced into a decision by Tony's choices. But, in a way, it may be good to have come to this point, to recognize that it's time to make a serious change to get yourself out from under this mess. If Tony buys you out, perhaps you and your son can pool your money and rent a place to live. If Tony won't buy you out, perhaps the sale of your place will give you enough to get a smaller place with your son. You've said your son makes more money but only gives you a small amount, this may be his opportunity to show up for you and put in half of the rent and other costs. He would be making a leap in growth and adulthood and hopefully that would give you the appropriate funds to find a nice place to live. This must be so incredibly difficult for you, I wish it were different, but it appears you've come to a point where a decision needs to be made. I wish you a peaceful solution which serves YOU.
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just want you to know I'm thinking about you. I don't have much advice to give these days, but I want to let you know I'm in your corner. Hugs.
  6. nerfherder

    nerfherder Active Member

    Dear Janet,

    The stress isn't worth the "stability," I think you have that one right.

    However, walk very cautiously when proposing timed purchases or loans to loved ones, formerly loved ones or family members. It's even more drama and stress waiting to happen, especially when it comes to Tony buying you out - how long would it be before Buck convinced him he didn't have to pay you anymore?

    A private sale with legal papers managed and signed off on by a lawyer, to someone with assets you can claim through court order if the deal goes bad, that's going to be in my opinion the safest and least-stressful way to resolve the property ownership. I think there's something like "Owner Holds Note" where you get the property back fully if X number of payments are missed - I know because I was warned away from those kinds of sales. :)

    Whatever, I read everything you write, and I am rooting for you. :)
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sorry, Janet. I agree, it is time to change something so Janet is happy again. Hugs!
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I smell a big, fat, stinky skunk in this mess. Cory knows firsthand that taking anything of yours results in you calling the police and pressing charges. He has felonies for that, doesn't he? So why is he stealing heirlooms now?

    I think you need to go over to Cory's and talk to him without Tony or Buck there. I am wondering if somehow they pressured him into taking the blame or he saw Buck with them. I would not put it past Buck to take them, be seen by Cory, have Cory ask him about them, and then Buck tells Cory that you were getting rid of them and you wanted Buck to ask Cory if he wanted them because 'you are not using them'.

    Buck isn't retarded, or if he is he has enough manipulation smarts to set this up. I also think he is working on convincing Tony and the boys that you have lost your mind and they need to declare you incompetent so that they can control your disability. I bet in Buck's mind he is the one who will be your 'payee' or 'guardian', or he has enough sway over Tony to get his paws on whatever you have.

    I would likely tell Tony that he can either get rid of Buck or you are calling the health inspector to come out and condemn the place and you will then move into subsidized housing on your disability - alone.

    As for that apology? NO way in HECK do you owe that cretin or his dupe an apology. They owe you about a million of them! The sheer NERVE of them.

    The story with Cory is just hinky. I wonder if Tony went to Cory and offered him something to say he had taken them to 'decorate' his house with, so that you would not force him to throw Buck out into the streets.

    You could have a lot of fun with Keyana in your own apartment when she comes to visit you.
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Janet, I am so sorry you are in the middel of another drama. I do not think Cory is in cahoots with anyone. He was wrong to take hose things but right to fess up. Not sure what he was thinking. Hoping he isn't slipping back into his old ways. I agree that you need to break off from this Buck related drama. I am beyond disappointed in Tony. Making one's spouse squirm as sport is not a loving thing to do. RM
  10. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    I'm so sorry Janet. I just don't know what to say or think at this point.
  11. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Janet, quite frankly that whole story sounds like total BS to me! Cory is a guy, a young guy! And as the mother of one of those, I seriously doubt if he cares one little rat's patootie about antiques or heirlooms or decorating his house! And Cory knows from painful previous experience that you will not stand for him stealing from you! Makes no sense at all that he would have done that! UNLESS Tony somehow told Cory that YOU said that he could have those things now. And even if he did, it seems like Cory would have mentioned it to you, at least in passing. I agree with Susie that you should talk to Cory by yourself, without Tony or Buck around. You might be surprised at what you find out!

    Is it to the point that maybe you and Billy could find a place to rent by yourselves? I understand that it's difficult with the mobile home being in your name and the land that it sits on belonging to Tony's family. And if you sold the mobile home outright, you could lose some of your benefits, right? I would call the authorities and have it condemned if it's really that bad. And Tony couldn't do a thing about it! That's not YOUR problem! Then I would call the scrap metal dealer and let them have at it! There is a mobile home across the street behind my house that caught on fire right before Christmas, a small singlewide. It had a metal roof and a few days after the fire the scrap metal people were there taking that roof off! And a few days later they were back and took all the metal siding and the metal underpinning off and hauled it away. What's left is just the charred beams and a few inside walls. I have no idea what they pay for scrap metal now but a large doublewide would have A LOT of it! Could give a nice little stash to get yourself reestablished in a nice rental!
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Janet. Wish I had some advice for you. Hugs.
  13. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I am speechless.

    You were made to apologize to Buck?

    Go ahead and make your bedroom your apartment, Janet. No reason you should have to move until you are ready.

    Buck is triangulating. What a manipulative little weasel. What kind of man does something like this?

    A garden tub, huh? Sounds like you need a nice, long bath with lavendar bath salts.

    And candles.

    A little champagne wouldn't be out of the question, either.

    Just be sure to lock the door first so Buck doesn't siphon it out of the bottle before you even get to it.

  14. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Something is rotten in Denmark.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending hugs, prayers, good juju, whatever you need, Janet, to move on!

    You are a loving, kind person who shouldn't have to live with this bs!
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    hey, sorry it took me so long to get back here. My laptop keyboard is failing and I have to use a plug in one to type so its a bit of a pain. Cant wait until I can replace this thing!

    I have to talk to Cory over the phone because he is in TX but I have done that and I have come to the conclusion that the only collusion with Tony was on the phone. As far as him taking the stuff, I am not buying him suddenly going on a decorating gig. I have a sinking feeling he thought the stuff could be sold to one of those places that buy silver but he found out differently. All this happened at a time when they were broke as heck. Or Mandy did it and he is covering for her. Either is possible. This is stuff that would go to him at some time in the future but he isnt in a position that I think is stable enough right now. I found that out with Jamie years ago. Im not passing down the family jewels until they are my age! They wont appreciate them until then. I wouldnt have appreciated what I have at Cory's age and I know it. And its true I dont use it, heck I dont even show it because of having so many people and kids in and out of my house.

    Now about the sugar. Tony found the sugar jar on the shelf in the laundry room. He is "suspecting" that I took the sugar and hid it there because I blamed Buck for stealing my stuff. I dont think this makes a lick of sense for so many reasons. Number one...I didnt do it. Number two, I can hardly reach that shelf with nothing in my hands which is why I dont use it for anything even laundry soap much less a fairly heavy jar of sugar. Number three, if I wanted to steal the sugar I have a huge bedroom I could have stashed it in, including a closet we dont use which has several boxes in front of it at the moment...or it could be in those boxes! Or even better, I could have stuck it in my car and taken it off and threw it away and it would never have been found.

    To me it makes more sense that either Buck accidentally stuck it there when he was cleaning up in the kitchen. He puts things in the oddest places. Or, he put it there on purpose after making a big stink about the sugar being gone to everyone so that he could cause a fuss in the house. What else could he say was gone but something he wants? Something Tony knew was just there. We had just had a to do in the house because I wouldnt buy any sugar until Buck used up the stevia or one of those other type things that he had told me he wanted to try but then never even touched. Once he used it up, I bought sugar again. See, he is diabetic and I asked him if he wanted us to get that for him so he could have that instead of using actual sugar. I was being nice. When he never even touched it, I got mad. The stuff isnt cheap and he uses a lot of sugar. Much more than tony and I. So I said he was using the stuff I bought before we bought anymore sugar. I didnt think that was asking too much. But evidently Tony thinks that was enough for me to hold sugar hostage. Nope, especially since the bag of sugar that got gone was a bag that I bought anyway. And I bought the jar. I could understand if it was something Buck owned but it was ours.

    After having a very heated argument with Tony, I have decided to give it until Buck gets the letter from Social Security about his disability decision. They have 4 months to get that first decision to him. With luck it wont take that long. If he is approved, then he can get out. If he is not approved then Tony is going to have to figure something else out because I am not going to have him here for the duration of the appeals process. That can take years. There is no way I will do that. He will simply have to find some sort of work and get a place to live. The 4 months will be in May. I am going to have Tony tell Buck he has to be out by June 1st so he has to find work if he hasnt heard from disability by April 30th. There is one thing that makes me think that disability may be going to approve him on the first try. They have not sent him to any of their doctors at all. This is not normal. But one of the things I found out going through my disability applications was that one of the easiest disability applications to get was for a construction worker with nothing more than a HS diploma and over age 50. They dont consider them very able to be retrained. And most are completely broken down physically. I do think Buck needs to call social security and ask about his application though since he hasnt heard anything in a month or so since he got the letter saying he didnt qualify for regular SSDI which I knew he wouldnt based on his work history. He simply hasnt worked enough in the last 10 quarters. Thats sad to me. I have no clue how he has supported himself and he just shrugs. Obviously mooching off people.

    I am just going to count down days. I do want him to get food stamps though to contribute to the household. He claims he applied the same day he went down to talk to social security which would have been no later than the first week of February. I cant swear to the date and he cant find the paperwork. I do know the date I filled out his application online but I dont know when his appointment was although I know it was the same week. I could figure it out. It has been well over the 30 days they have to complete the food stamp application though and so far he hasnt gotten any letters saying he has been approved or denied. He says that they told him that this county was putting in a new computer system and it would take longer for all applications to be processed. I am not buying that. It is a federal law that if you come in with no income you have to get emergency food stamps within 5 days. Also I cant believe that the county would be legally allowed to let applications go beyond the guidelines because the county gets fined if they have so many applications pending. They could always do them by hand on paper. I did it on paper when I worked there. Its certainly possible to do. Im wondering if either A. he is still ineligible and not telling us and they told him that at the application or B. he has been approved and the benefits are on his card but he has lost his card so he doesnt know it. I asked him last night if he had checked his card for the balance and he said he couldnt find his card anymore. I was astounded. I asked him if he didnt keep it in his wallet and he said no, he threw it in a box.

    Supposedly he has an appointment today with the mental health people and he is going to stop by there to check...who knows. I am working on insisting that he stop calling the psychiatrist and therapists..."head doctor" "crazy place" and other assorted not nice names. He also refers to psychiatric medications as crazy making drugs. Of course he thinks any diagnosis is laughable. Bipolar is crazy, just crazy...those people are psycho. I have no idea why Tony thinks I should ignore that. I stopped him saying head doctor by saying look...call the place by its given name or mental health or the doctors name. Or say psychiatrist or therapist. You dont say not nice names because its rude. I said its like calling Indians Injuns or redskins.
  17. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry this situation is bad. Tony gave the sugar he bought to his brother and you were not given access to it. That says it all. Could it be possible that Buck is getting food stamps and selling them or something that you don't know about? In his mind, why would he need to pay for food when you do it?

    I'm glad you have Keyanna back in your lives so you have some joy and you can take your mind off this mess once in awhile. What does Billy say about all this? Would he be willing to contribute to living somewhere else?

    Could you start advertising to sell the house? If you did that, even if you sold it for extra cheap, you would be able to go. That may be just the thing to light the fire under Tony because he would really have nowhere to live. Do you think if people came through to possibly buy he would get scared and take action?
  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Janet, did you do the disability application with him? If not, consider it not done. If you don't check the mail, odds are he tossed it out when he got the appointments. Travis is blind remember? Still, they sent him to their docs, it was routine basically, but they did it. Same with food stamps. If you didn't fill it out and watch him turn it in, he most likely didn't do it. Yes, we know it hurts him but he doesn't care one way or the other he has Tony in his mind. Buck is most likely thinking it he gets these services Tony will expect him to move. He does NOT want to move.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I agree with Lisa. I doubt Buck has turned the paperwork in, and if they wanted him to see a doctor, he would tank that on purpose. Or else get it and lie to you and Tony about it so that you won't expect him to move or pay bills.

    I think Tony is so far out of line he is in orbit around another planet. The sugar mess is clearly manipulation. Buck put it there so you couldn't use it as payback for making him use the expensive sugar alternatives. He is also using it to help convince Tony that you are either out to get Buck or losing your grip on reality. Most likely all 3.

    A big part of me thinks that Buck wants to set you up to be unable to manage your life and affairs so that Tony is given guardianship over you and your disability payments. Buck most likely is sure he can convince Tony to give him that $$ and to let him stay. You would have no say about where you live if you are declared incompetent. Of course we all know you are competent, but things like the sugar going missing, if they happen enough, could make some people believe that you are in early stages of Alzheimer;s or other types of dementia.

    in my opinion you are a SAINT for putting up with him for this long. I cannot comprehend the depth of Tony's denial or why he thinks that his behavior and Buck's behavior is in any way acceptable?

    As for Cory, I hope he can explain things better to you. It just doesn't make sense to me that he would steal from you instead of asking you for help. I can totally see why he doesn't ask Tony, but you? It makes more sense that Mandy too them, or that Buck led Cory to believe that you had approved of him taking the items.
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont get Cory taking the stuff either because we had been helping him but whatever, I will get it back when Mandy comes to drop the baby off this weekend.

    As far as the SSI application, I did the online application myself and I made the initial appointment for him to go into the local office. I know they sent out paperwork because I filled out three sets...two for him and one from me. I mailed them. I dont think he applied for food stamps until sometime in February when I started complaining. Maybe around mid February when he went to mental health. I also know that he got a letter for Social Security around February 20th saying he was denied for SSDI because he didnt have enough earnings in the last 10 quarters. They wouldnt have sent that out if his application wasnt in. However that only looked at work history and denied it without looking at medical information at all and it wasnt sent over to the disability determination services. I asked him today to call social security for an update and to tell them that he had started going to mental health and that he was seeing a psychiatrist but he wouldnt. He is a slug. Its like pushing a boulder up a hill. His answer was "I guess I will go over there next time I go out that way." I keep telling both him and Tony every single night you have to stay on these things because if you dont your application gets pushed aside and forgotten. You want to be the application on the corner of the desk that the caseworker keeps working on. Not the one over on the floor collecting dust because she has forgotten its there.