Well I'm back...

[LauraH]

My son appeared to be doing well for a time, but even though I knew it wouldn't last, it lasted for a much shorter period than I had anticipated. To recap: he got kicked out of one sober living house because he relapsed and he left another one because he wanted to smoke. (I'm not really anti-smoking because a good friend of mine who is also bipolar told me several years ago that when he started smoking again he was able to get off his bipolar medications and is actually able to control his bipolar better with marijuana. But I digress.) He's quit and/or gotten fired from three jobs in the last month or two and blew off another one. He even went back to the toxic boyfriend, which true to nature blew up after three days. The only thing different is that he has a phone, at least until it gets shut off for nonpayment, so we have that line of communication.

But I'm tired of his excuses for his sorry job situation and my gut feeling is they are mostly untrue. I'm tired of his excuses for his addiction...everybody relapses and I'm not different. (That sounds self-defeating to me) It's okay to use as long as I have a genuine desire to quit, which I do. (If he had a genuine desire to quit he wouldn't justify using) He also says that only 3% of meth addicts successfully recover...I don't know if that's true or not. But I do know that if he decides he's in the percentage of those who aren't successful, he won't ever be.

I've stopped helping him financially with one or two exceptions (When he started at one of his failed jobs I bought him a Walmart e-gift card so he could buy groceries and toiletries to get him through to his first paycheck) Now I'm trying to stop helping him emotionally. He gets defensive and/or gives me more excuses when I say things like he's the only one that can commit to doing whatever it takes to get off the merry go round. The other day when I was on the phone with him I just got fed up with the lies, excuses, and alibis and told him I had to go. I just wish there was a way I could stop giving a crap what happens to him, but I know that's not possible for a mother to do.

What's really heartbreaking is that he recently lost a good friend to an overdose and that wasn't enough of a wake up call. It's like he's still in his teens and believe things like that happen to other people but he's somehow immune. I only pray he doesn't learn the hard way that it can very easily happen to him.

 

[Triedntrue]

I am sorry you needed to come back. I hope you are able to step back to the place where you have some peace of mind. I agree with you that he is just looking for excuses. Mine does too. It is draining. I will pray for both of us.

 

[BusynMember]

I dont know how hard it is to quit meth but I think your son is feeding you baloney.

My daughter was a meth addict who looked like she was going to die. We made her leave and cut off her money completely. She did have a straight lace brother to stay with but his rules were worse than ours and he would have had no guilt at all tossing her out for lighting up one cigarette in his house. He handed her a list of rules and she had to work her tail off.

Within a year and without any rehab because ahe refused it she had a full time job that she had to walk to and from to in cold Chicago. She quit all hard drugs plus cigarettes.
She has never relapsed. It is twelve or so years later. She got a loan for a two year college and graduated. She bought a house. She has my wonderful granddaughter. She met a guy at her first job. I am not his biggest fan but she is still with him. She is 35 now and totally done with meth and cocaine which she also used. We are close and she is a great mother.

This may not be a typical story but it is not what your son told you. She quit meth pretty quickly once she realized nothing would be coming from us and that her brother would toss her out easily and not help either.

Love and light.

 

[Origami]

Hi Laura,
I'm sorry to hear about this, and it's so disappointing when your hopes are up and then down again. It's easy to say "cautious optimism," but it's really difficult to be on that emotional roller coaster when we wish so much for good things for our children.

The other day when I was on the phone with him I just got fed up with the lies, excuses, and alibis and told him I had to go.

I think the key is to keep remembering why you're fed up, and go with that realization when you're tempted to give in and feel sorry for him.

 

[LauraH]

I don't feel sorry for him. I feel sorrow for him because he can do so much more than he is. I'd be happy if he worked at Walmart and lived in a studio apartment. I realize that to an extent things are beyond his control but he won't acknowledge that he's relinquished what control he has and blames everything/everyone from his disorder to his addiction to other people for the sorry state his life is in.

You see people everywhere who against all odds managed to rise above their physical or emotional limitations to have a successful and fulfilled life. I saw a guy at Walmart years ago who had only stubs protruding from his shoulders where arms should be. He had a clipboard under one stub and a walkie talkie under the other and was in a supervisory position. He could have blamed genetics or fate (if he lost his arms in an accident) and sat around feeling sorry for himself and self-destructing, but he did what he had to do to succeed. I need to google and research people that have found the same success coping with bipolar and/or drug addiction. I know they're out there.