Well now a different approach....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mrscatinthehat, Nov 14, 2007.

  1. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    We are going to have husband tell difficult child 2 that until he steps up to the plate we are not going to be the ones doing all the work. Thus we are not going to go to sessions until he does his part. The therapist coordinated this. She explained to difficult child 2 that it isn't doing any good having us drive to his placement all the time and him not doing anything for himself.

    So detachment is the name of the game. The ball is in his court. We will continue to call (if he isn't having a behavior problem we will talk). He can call if he is medication compliant, stays in school and takes a shower (which this list is very difficult for him some how). But except for the staffings we are not going out of our way until he steps up a bit. So husband has to call difficult child 2 on Friday to tell him we won't be in session on Monday.

    husband has to do this as he is the one that difficult child 2 thinks will bail him out of any situation. Even though husband stands firm he hasn't always so it is his to handle.

    Nothing else works so this is the route therapist and us came up with.

    So we will see how it goes. That and we have to talk to gfg1s place to see if they are ready to facilitate a call between the two of them. This is something I dread. They have not spoken since Thanksgiving of 2005. So it will have to be monitored completely.

    So we will see how long we go this route. This is going to be hard because it is hard to convince the mommy brain that completely backing off is the right thing to do.

  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Well, I think this is a great strategy.........although hard on the old Mommy heart.
    You will be in my thoughts, and prayers.
  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Beth - sending you a gentle hug. I know it's hard to back off and wait for your kid make some kind of an effort. We've done this to varying degrees over the years (much more so now) and I think it's a very logical thing to do. If all it took for our kids to learn how to live with their mental illness was our own motivation and participation, none of us would need to be here. Our kids have *got* to get invested in their own treatment.

    I cannot imagine how difficult it is to juggle visits to 2 kids in different RTCs. I know that after the first couple of years of visiting thank you at RTCs, I started to resent the disruption of our family life to schlep however many hours up to whichever Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he was in, especially since *he* wasn't doing a doggone thing to change the situation.

    If you find it hard to back off completely, or if your son turns out to be impressively stubborn when it comes to stepping up, I also think it's perfectly reasonable to visit on your own timetable, when *you* need to as opposed to when he wants you to. Might be something to think about down the road, if this gets to be drawn out.

    Sorry you guys are having to go through this. Kudos to you and your hubby for sticking together on the treatment plan!
  4. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Thank you for the support. I know we are not alone in this. And yes it is incredibly hard to do two rtcs in two different towns. One day at a time.

  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sounds good to me. I can hardly imagine doing two RTCs in diff towns. Whew!
    Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    We've gone this route with a much younger wm. It becomes more of a break for husband & myself than a concern for wm. And remember that wm is testing in at 6 years of age versus his physical 13 years of age.

    I believe that is the big impact on wm choosing to make choices; refusing to be a "part" of his treatment plan versus letting those around him do all the work.

    I don't know how much of that is true for your difficult child - I do know that it's frustrating beyond belief.

    I understand the 2 different treatment settings & trying to make those meetings, deal with 2 treatment teams, etc, etc, etc. I know that's why I lost my job last November - I believe that's why my health has taken such a nosedive. The stress is chronic & physically draining.

    Sending positive thoughts that this makes a difference. Like Sue, I'd visit when you feel you need to see your son. Not as a reward for a job well done but as a mother's need to see her child's face.

    Take care of yourself. You've had a couple of tough staffing in the last week or so. Time to turn off the phones & nap for a couple of days.