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Well she is home, now what?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 631629" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>It's okay if you are not calm, and you stumble and stutter and even get angry and then sad and whatever you do...it's okay. You are not going to be able to be perfect in how you do any of this. It is way, way too hard. And please know this: Any "mistake" or misstep you make or take is not the ONE FATAL MISTAKE that messes it all up now and forever. I used to think I had to say and do the exact right thing, the exact right combination of words and timing and yes and no and actions in order to guide and shape and get difficult child to fly right.</p><p></p><p>That was my own sad and wrong and sick thinking. There IS no thing I can say or do, awkwardly or beautifully, to get difficult child to fly right. There never was, and there never will be.</p><p></p><p>I may have some influence still, but that is it. Nothing more. And I am increasingly trying very hard, and failing often, not to use that influence one way or the other. </p><p></p><p>Just to let him be. Very hard to do. Very hard. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh is it ever! I make such progress and then, standing the shade of a little tree outside McDonald's, I find myself---I hear myself---and it is like some other frantic person talking---saying, well why haven't you gone to the Salvation Army shelter to stay, then your phone wouldn't have been stolen, and other stupid things like that. </p><p></p><p>It is like a whole other person takes over and I'm temporarily insane, saying things that I know well and good are none of my business and are again, trying to get him to do things MY way. Ugh. Face to face with myself. Ugh. The work that still needs to be done, and so much of it. Ugh. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is so, so, very true. When we are all twisted up, we want to THINK it's because of what difficult child (or someone else) has done, not done, said, not said, but it's not. </p><p></p><p>It's us. It is our attitude, our character defects, our need to control others, our well-meant intentions, our well-I'm-his-mother-and-always-will-be, our minding other people's business, our well-I'm-not-the-one-doing-all-of-these-bad-things. </p><p></p><p>Oh really? I would say we are blind to our own selves. I know I was and still am at times. But today, I am humbled by my new understanding of the massive amount of work---amounting to a full-time job---that still needs to be done on ME. Leaving me no time to focus on what others should be doing. To let go of the shoulds. </p><p></p><p>It is all about us. And when we really begin the work on us, at first it is hard to see ourselves in the clear light of day, but as we begin the work, which leads to forgiveness which leads to compassion which leads to even a sense of humor about our own struggling selves, then we can turn those very viewpoints onto others, and that is a gift to everybody, at that point. But wow, what a lot of work it is, but so, so well worth the work. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. What a gift to even glimpse this, even for a brief moment. I glimpsed it yesterday, sitting at an outdoor table at McDonald's, listening and talking with difficult child and his two homeless friends. They were very nice people. They seemed okay. They said thank you and had ideas and plans for themselves. It was very good for me to see and experience this, and to see difficult child in this mode. </p><p></p><p>I still have such a long long way to go, but I am grateful that I am on the path. Hang in there. Stay with it. You will be okay, in time, and you will be more and more able to let your daughter go, and do whatever it is she must do, in her very own life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 631629, member: 17542"] It's okay if you are not calm, and you stumble and stutter and even get angry and then sad and whatever you do...it's okay. You are not going to be able to be perfect in how you do any of this. It is way, way too hard. And please know this: Any "mistake" or misstep you make or take is not the ONE FATAL MISTAKE that messes it all up now and forever. I used to think I had to say and do the exact right thing, the exact right combination of words and timing and yes and no and actions in order to guide and shape and get difficult child to fly right. That was my own sad and wrong and sick thinking. There IS no thing I can say or do, awkwardly or beautifully, to get difficult child to fly right. There never was, and there never will be. I may have some influence still, but that is it. Nothing more. And I am increasingly trying very hard, and failing often, not to use that influence one way or the other. Just to let him be. Very hard to do. Very hard. Oh is it ever! I make such progress and then, standing the shade of a little tree outside McDonald's, I find myself---I hear myself---and it is like some other frantic person talking---saying, well why haven't you gone to the Salvation Army shelter to stay, then your phone wouldn't have been stolen, and other stupid things like that. It is like a whole other person takes over and I'm temporarily insane, saying things that I know well and good are none of my business and are again, trying to get him to do things MY way. Ugh. Face to face with myself. Ugh. The work that still needs to be done, and so much of it. Ugh. This is so, so, very true. When we are all twisted up, we want to THINK it's because of what difficult child (or someone else) has done, not done, said, not said, but it's not. It's us. It is our attitude, our character defects, our need to control others, our well-meant intentions, our well-I'm-his-mother-and-always-will-be, our minding other people's business, our well-I'm-not-the-one-doing-all-of-these-bad-things. Oh really? I would say we are blind to our own selves. I know I was and still am at times. But today, I am humbled by my new understanding of the massive amount of work---amounting to a full-time job---that still needs to be done on ME. Leaving me no time to focus on what others should be doing. To let go of the shoulds. It is all about us. And when we really begin the work on us, at first it is hard to see ourselves in the clear light of day, but as we begin the work, which leads to forgiveness which leads to compassion which leads to even a sense of humor about our own struggling selves, then we can turn those very viewpoints onto others, and that is a gift to everybody, at that point. But wow, what a lot of work it is, but so, so well worth the work. Yes. What a gift to even glimpse this, even for a brief moment. I glimpsed it yesterday, sitting at an outdoor table at McDonald's, listening and talking with difficult child and his two homeless friends. They were very nice people. They seemed okay. They said thank you and had ideas and plans for themselves. It was very good for me to see and experience this, and to see difficult child in this mode. I still have such a long long way to go, but I am grateful that I am on the path. Hang in there. Stay with it. You will be okay, in time, and you will be more and more able to let your daughter go, and do whatever it is she must do, in her very own life. [/QUOTE]
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