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Well.....'something' is different....
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 629054" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you for asking about us tryagain. </p><p></p><p>Well, it's been 3 weeks and it feels as if we are all in a major transition. Sometimes things take a mysterious turn and yet that turn feels like the right one to make.</p><p></p><p>My daughter came back after that initial weekend, with that guy friend, to inquire about a job in the town I live in. My SO, my granddaughter and I discussed options and we made a decision that she and the guy could stay on our outside patio in sleeping bags for a few days as they both tried to get started in new lives. We all always said that if my daughter were moving in a positive direction and trying to help herself, that we would help her. </p><p></p><p>We found out that the young man had a story of losses, no jail, no criminality, just economic devastation and as a wounded veteran, he was in the process of getting help with disability. As we got to know him, we all actually grew quite fond of him and now consider him a friend. He is a good guy and he was really trying to help my difficult child as well.</p><p></p><p>It was an interesting stay. Because I had emptied myself of everything I wanted to say to her over time, I was neutral and okay. In fact, for the most part, I enjoyed the stay.</p><p></p><p> My granddaughter used it as an opportunity to empty herself of more of her own hurts and angers. I was very proud of how she did it too, calmly, with compassion and yet, very direct and truthful. At one point her mother asked if she could have her wedding dress and wedding pictures from the storage unit and my granddaughter asked her why she should be so magnanimous when she and her sisters had repeatedly requested items of their Dad's only to be met with my daughter's resistance to share any of his things with the rest of the family. My granddaughter listened to her mother, was direct and admonished her for many of her actions over the years. I was in awe of her ability to be so honest and forthright, as well as willing to listen and be compassionate. When that happened I thought to myself, if for no other reason, that one conversation was worth my daughter being here.</p><p></p><p>My granddaughter told me she felt GREAT after talking to her mother, she was proud of herself. I told her how proud I was of her for her honesty and that she was able to rise above her negative experiences with her mother and have compassion for her. In the end, she told her mother she would get the wedding dress and pictures and give them to her. </p><p></p><p>And, the whole time her mother was here, she was able to keep her own boundaries intact. </p><p></p><p>My granddaughter leaves for college in August. I thought how timely and in fact, perfect that she was able to do as much clearing out with her mother on her way to the next step in her adult life. She has consistently been able to tell her mother the truth of how she was impacted by her mothers choices. I believe that offers a healing and gives her the opportunity to be liberated from her own "mother wound." </p><p></p><p>My granddaughter graduated from High School 2 weeks ago and her mother was able to attend. My daughter kept a low profile and was not part of the after graduation festivities and although I felt a tad sad about that, it was the right thing for my granddaughter. All in all it turned out to be a great night. I had a strong sense of my job with my granddaughter coming to an end. Right after graduation, she got a second job with the intention of saving money for school. I am very proud of her. These last few weeks have been a blend of excitement for her and her future and of a little melancholy for letting her go. It brings a tear to my eye, with all we've all been through, she has pulled through so well, and I feel so happy that she is embarking on her new college experience in a very, very good place.</p><p></p><p>While my daughter and her friend were here I asked them to purchase food, cook, clean up, help around the house. I was very clear about that. I was very clear about the boundaries in the house, they only could come in when they were invited, otherwise, they were busy looking for housing and jobs. We gave them a deadline of 2 weeks, we all felt that was a fair amount of time for both of them to find options. My daughter actually left after about 10 days. The young man stayed until his mother was able to pick him up. He will have his own place beginning in July. I never met anyone as willing to do whatever it took to get himself into a better place. I think he was a good example for my daughter to be around.</p><p></p><p>My daughter respected all the boundaries I laid out for her. She spent every day doing something constructive. She is connected into the system with food stamps and medical. She worked a catering job and paid some of her bills. She hooked up with a catering service and works another 2 gigs this week. She tells me this is the "busy season" for catering so it looks as if she can find work and hopefully start a new and different kind of life. She worked it out with her ex roommate to get the rest of her things. She texts me where she is. She still appears to have changed and she continues moving ahead. Regardless of what she actually ends up doing, she has changed with <u><em>me</em></u>, she is respectful, grateful, appreciative, and keeps me out of any drama should there be any.</p><p></p><p>She respects my boundaries, I have said all I needed to say so I am not harboring any negative feelings, she is making choices that appear to be moving her in a different and in my opinion, better direction. I do not feel responsible for her nor am I enabling her. For right now, that is as good as it gets. I stay here in the present moment, knowing full well, that this could all fall apart at any moment. I have no real expectations nor do I feel any more anger or resentment towards her. I say no when it's appropriate. It also feels good to have our house back to "normal." And, it felt like the right thing to do to allow my daughter and her friend to stay. All I can do is be here in the now and make whatever choices need to be made right now. The past is gone and who knows what will happen in the future. </p><p></p><p>For today, all is well in my world. My SO and I are leaving this afternoon to stay in San Francisco for the weekend. It will be nice to get out of town and just relax and be together. I can't help but think we are all embarking on new territory now........my granddaughter on her way to college, my daughter on her way..........somewhere...........and me........it's a whole new day for me.......I have my own adventure awaiting me............it'll be fun to discover what that is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 629054, member: 13542"] Thank you for asking about us tryagain. Well, it's been 3 weeks and it feels as if we are all in a major transition. Sometimes things take a mysterious turn and yet that turn feels like the right one to make. My daughter came back after that initial weekend, with that guy friend, to inquire about a job in the town I live in. My SO, my granddaughter and I discussed options and we made a decision that she and the guy could stay on our outside patio in sleeping bags for a few days as they both tried to get started in new lives. We all always said that if my daughter were moving in a positive direction and trying to help herself, that we would help her. We found out that the young man had a story of losses, no jail, no criminality, just economic devastation and as a wounded veteran, he was in the process of getting help with disability. As we got to know him, we all actually grew quite fond of him and now consider him a friend. He is a good guy and he was really trying to help my difficult child as well. It was an interesting stay. Because I had emptied myself of everything I wanted to say to her over time, I was neutral and okay. In fact, for the most part, I enjoyed the stay. My granddaughter used it as an opportunity to empty herself of more of her own hurts and angers. I was very proud of how she did it too, calmly, with compassion and yet, very direct and truthful. At one point her mother asked if she could have her wedding dress and wedding pictures from the storage unit and my granddaughter asked her why she should be so magnanimous when she and her sisters had repeatedly requested items of their Dad's only to be met with my daughter's resistance to share any of his things with the rest of the family. My granddaughter listened to her mother, was direct and admonished her for many of her actions over the years. I was in awe of her ability to be so honest and forthright, as well as willing to listen and be compassionate. When that happened I thought to myself, if for no other reason, that one conversation was worth my daughter being here. My granddaughter told me she felt GREAT after talking to her mother, she was proud of herself. I told her how proud I was of her for her honesty and that she was able to rise above her negative experiences with her mother and have compassion for her. In the end, she told her mother she would get the wedding dress and pictures and give them to her. And, the whole time her mother was here, she was able to keep her own boundaries intact. My granddaughter leaves for college in August. I thought how timely and in fact, perfect that she was able to do as much clearing out with her mother on her way to the next step in her adult life. She has consistently been able to tell her mother the truth of how she was impacted by her mothers choices. I believe that offers a healing and gives her the opportunity to be liberated from her own "mother wound." My granddaughter graduated from High School 2 weeks ago and her mother was able to attend. My daughter kept a low profile and was not part of the after graduation festivities and although I felt a tad sad about that, it was the right thing for my granddaughter. All in all it turned out to be a great night. I had a strong sense of my job with my granddaughter coming to an end. Right after graduation, she got a second job with the intention of saving money for school. I am very proud of her. These last few weeks have been a blend of excitement for her and her future and of a little melancholy for letting her go. It brings a tear to my eye, with all we've all been through, she has pulled through so well, and I feel so happy that she is embarking on her new college experience in a very, very good place. While my daughter and her friend were here I asked them to purchase food, cook, clean up, help around the house. I was very clear about that. I was very clear about the boundaries in the house, they only could come in when they were invited, otherwise, they were busy looking for housing and jobs. We gave them a deadline of 2 weeks, we all felt that was a fair amount of time for both of them to find options. My daughter actually left after about 10 days. The young man stayed until his mother was able to pick him up. He will have his own place beginning in July. I never met anyone as willing to do whatever it took to get himself into a better place. I think he was a good example for my daughter to be around. My daughter respected all the boundaries I laid out for her. She spent every day doing something constructive. She is connected into the system with food stamps and medical. She worked a catering job and paid some of her bills. She hooked up with a catering service and works another 2 gigs this week. She tells me this is the "busy season" for catering so it looks as if she can find work and hopefully start a new and different kind of life. She worked it out with her ex roommate to get the rest of her things. She texts me where she is. She still appears to have changed and she continues moving ahead. Regardless of what she actually ends up doing, she has changed with [U][I]me[/I][/U], she is respectful, grateful, appreciative, and keeps me out of any drama should there be any. She respects my boundaries, I have said all I needed to say so I am not harboring any negative feelings, she is making choices that appear to be moving her in a different and in my opinion, better direction. I do not feel responsible for her nor am I enabling her. For right now, that is as good as it gets. I stay here in the present moment, knowing full well, that this could all fall apart at any moment. I have no real expectations nor do I feel any more anger or resentment towards her. I say no when it's appropriate. It also feels good to have our house back to "normal." And, it felt like the right thing to do to allow my daughter and her friend to stay. All I can do is be here in the now and make whatever choices need to be made right now. The past is gone and who knows what will happen in the future. For today, all is well in my world. My SO and I are leaving this afternoon to stay in San Francisco for the weekend. It will be nice to get out of town and just relax and be together. I can't help but think we are all embarking on new territory now........my granddaughter on her way to college, my daughter on her way..........somewhere...........and me........it's a whole new day for me.......I have my own adventure awaiting me............it'll be fun to discover what that is. [/QUOTE]
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