Well, that settles that!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kathy813, Oct 17, 2011.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child called tonight to tell us that she didn't want us to come tomorrow night. She said that she wasn't "ready to see us." I guess she was too upset that we wouldn't let her come directly home.

    However, she is not planning to go directly to the halfway house (that she says she is going to to make us happy). Instead, her alcoholic loser boyfriend's mother said that she could go there for a "few weeks." She also said that she didn't want to go to a halfway house where she had to stay for 6 months because she would miss Christmas at home. WTH?

    So her plan is to go stay at the loser boyfriend's house and then go to the halfway house on a "month- to month" basis which we would revaluate each month.

    What planet is this girl from? Does she really think that we are going to pay for her cellphone, car insurance, cigarettes, gasoline, and food while she spends a few weeks with her boyfriend who I know drinks and smokes marijuana? I can't imagine a worst place for her to go. They fight constantly, break up, and difficult child goes into a nosedive.

    I tried calling the counselor today but it was her day off. I plan to call back tomorrow and tell her in no uncertain terms what I think of this plan and ask her to let difficult child know that the only monetary support we will supply is if difficult child is in a halfway house.

    After three blessed weeks of peace and tranquility, I am now dreading next Monday when difficult child is discharged. I am afraid we will be dragged back into difficult child chaos.

  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh Kathy the plans they make!!! I agree it sounds like a terrible plan and not one that will support her sobriety. I think you are absolutely right to make clear that the only monetary support you will provide will be for a halfway house. She may very well follow her plan... and her boyfriends mother may support her for awhile but that too will get old. We had a very similar story only I have a son... but his gfs mother actually paid for a ticket for him to come back from out of state and live with them... lasted a week.. Geesh what an idiot mother. Anyway eventually he hit bottom and is now back out of state at rehab.... so think of this as her process. It is hard to watch but you are being clear about what you will and won't do and that is key.

  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest


    You have a week to decide what your boundaries will be...set them. Write them down as a reminder. Do not vary from them. Do your best to put your mommy heart on ice...

    "Does she really think that we are going to pay for her cellphone, car insurance, cigarettes, gasoline, and food while she spends a few weeks with her boyfriend who I know drinks and smokes marijuana? I can't imagine a worst place for her to go. They fight constantly, break up, and difficult child goes into a nosedive..."

    If you won't pay her way while she lives with her boyfriend, let her know. Pretend she is a toddler and you are offering her a choice between a ham sandwich OR grilled cheese. One OR the other --she may want PBJ - but it's not an option. She can go to a halfway house and you will support her financially or she can live with her boyfriend and do without. Like the PBJ, living with her boyfriend while you support her is not an option.

    difficult children have a way of turning our reasonable guidelines against us. Remember, you are not choosing to cut her off financially. She is choosing to do without by living with boyfriend. She could choose to continue with your financial support at a halfway house. She has a choice.

    XXXOOO hang tough...
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy, this is so much like what difficult child did. After release from rehab she went "back out" which is their term for relapse and then went to live with a guy down the street when we kicked her out. That lasted three months. During that time her rehab counselor tried to get her into a sober house and she had every excuse in the book with the biggest one being that she didn't want to lose her job. She ended up losing her job when she couldn't get to work because of using and ended up working in a strip club. The walls finally came crashing down and she wanted to come home. We said no but that we would support her going to a sober house and that was all.

    Like TL said, be clear in what you will and will not support. I know this is very upsetting and you feel like the month treatment was a waste, it wasn't. Even if it seems that way, she learned things in there that she will use when she finally decides to get serious about recovery. In the meantime you will have to wait, and it will be an agonizing wait. Keep busy and remember she is choosing to live her life this way and you are choosing to live your life differently. The loser boyfriend will eventually go away. The hardest thing is for us to wait on the sidelines and find some way to detach enough so that our lives still have joy and happiness.

    You know we are all pulling for you and praying that your difficult child finally gets to where she wants to change.


    P.S. The one thing we never stopped paying for was her cellphone. I threatened many times to stop but in the end it was our only means of communication and I wanted her to be able to get in touch with us if she needed.
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2011
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Don't you just hate it when you "think" there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it turns out to be yet another train?
    Geez! Many supportive hugs for you and husband. It's not only a long winding road..the darn road is full of potholes. I'm sorry and continue to send supportive thoughts and hugs your way. DDD
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sadly, I think this is all part of the process of her recovery. It sounds like she's still in that "I can do this on my own" phase, thinking she will be just fine once discharged, magically cured, and isn't willing to give up the parts of her old life that added to her issues. She's going to learn the hard way that this just doesn't work. Sometimes it takes a few tries, unfortunately :(

    I think you're absolutely right in not providing support except in situations that show she is on the right path to recovery. Definitely make this clear up front, now.

  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I can't imagine if she is committed to being sober that she would choose to go somewhere that drugs and alcohol is freely used. Close your purse strings until she makes better choices.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree totally with Fran. The first thing you learn is to avoid putting yourself in situations of temptation. If she's not learned the first lesson.......

  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy ~ this loser boyfriend has been around for over 7 years. I'm not sure he is ever going away.

    I spoke with her counselor again yesterday. Evidently, difficult child is telling them different things then she is telling us. Last the counselor heard, difficult child was still planning on going to the halfway house. She was very surprised to hear of difficult child's plan to go stay with loser boyfriend.

    I asked her to let difficult child know there will be no financial support unless difficult child is in a halfway house. I also asked her to remind difficult child about the criminal trespassing order and that difficult child was not to come to our house.

    She said she would do that and was very supportive. She also said we could bring difficult child's car there on Sunday afternoon since I didn't want to have to take off Monday when she is being released. So we will leave her with a full tank of gas and one month of car insurance. The rest is up to her . . .

  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Gosh it does seem like a huge issue for some of our difficult children is hanging onto relationships!! This has been really true of my son.... I have liked his 2 major girlfriends but a major issue was even when they had started the cycle of breaking up, getting back together they always wanted to "help" him. And that help for him always meant hope and possibility that they would stay together... I would see him do major manipulative stuff to keep them in his corner and they would and the cycle would continue.... and everytime there was a major breakup he would fall apart and do some really stupid stuff or get suicidal. I think with the latest girlfriend she is now with someone else so it is finally over and that is the only reason he agreed to go out of state.... but man if she indicates in any way she wants to get back together he will come running (I think anyway).

    So even when the boyfriend or girlfriend is not a drug user that need for that relationship I think gets in the way of their recovery. I think really to fully get recovery you need to face being alone and that is hard.

    Kathy - you are doing the right thing. My hope is that she is trying in some way to push your buttons and see if you will support her going to live with her boyfriend.... kind of testing the waters... but that she is also thinking of the option of going to a halfway house. So this is the time to be strong and clear so that she knows she will not have any financial support if she goes with the boyfriend option.

  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is so typical, say what she has to in order to get released and even though she has no intention of going to a halfway house. I saw so many young women do this very same thing at release time, their parents wanting them to continue in some sort of supportive living arrangement and the just want to be free, to do back to doing what they want. Kathy I know it's so heartbreaking, you hoped she would want to get sober and have a different life. But she doesn't want it bad enough yet. Don't give up. When she finally does realize she wants/needs you will have your line drawn in the sand, you will support her in a sober living environment and that's it.

    My difficult child told us that when she asked to come back home after relapsing and getting kicked out that the best thing we could have said was that she couldn't come home until she was sober and the only place we would help her with was a sober house. She had exhausted all other options except literally living in a cardboard box and so she knew it was her only option.

    I think you have said and done all the right things. It's now up to her.

    TL my difficult child is just like yours when it comes to rtelationships. I swear that if her loser boyfriend from high school would take her back she would come running. So many counselors have asked her when she is going to stop settling and reach, She hasn't yet been able to answer that. And that I believe is one of the biggest scars from her adoption.

  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Kathy this is so very familiar to me. My difficult child never stayed at the group home or sober house he was released to. He always decided after a few weeks (or even just days) that they were too restrictive. He would then seek out "friends" who would let him crash at there place and he always ended up partying with them. I am so sorry. Stick to your boundries and help only when she is truly ready to do the work. -RM