well, the other shoe is beginning to drop

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by missy44, Aug 27, 2009.

  1. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    The honeymoon is over. It was sooo nice while it lasted.

    difficult child has been slipping lately. He's gone out with some friends three times now and each time I would bet my life he's used some drugs. Call it a mother's intuition, not too mention he hid the clothes he was wearing when he came home. Why hide them if you have nothing to hide??

    He lost his job the other day. He did manage to pay off a huge debt he had incurred from a cell phone bill he let go by. I'm happy to report that hubby and I contributed absolutely nothing to his $800.00 bill. He spent all of his hard earned money paying it off himself. I don't think he'll be getting another cell phone anytime soon.

    He seemed to be working hard at his part time job although not 150% so I'm not surprised they let him go. He would wear his lip ring when they told him not to, his "closing" shifts weren't always done like they should have been, but the manager did say he would give a kind word for him as he was always kind, respectful and good with the customers (I spoke with the manager and heard these words myself - long story - need to work on my detachment issues).

    He stopped going to his psychiatrist a little while back but I told him last week you better get back there and he went to an appointment. We'll see if he keeps it up.

    His girlfriend is moving here on Sunday to start her 3rd year of college and I think difficult child is moving in with her (unless he blows it first). She hates drugs, smoking, meat, etc.. and of course he's been dishonest. He says he's quit smoking when he hasn't and like I said before, I know he's used some drugs. How long will this last?

    My problem is, I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I don't want him here. I don't trust him, he's lazy, he drives my hubby crazy with his laziness and gluttony and now he has NO job! I'm praying that the relationship lasts until Sunday so he can move out. I feel so badly about not wanting my son around. He hasn't slipped up "real" bad and his doctor told me that there would be slip ups along the way and he would bounce back. But i feel like I've been kicked in the face. I've given him so many opportunities to truly change his ways and grow up. If I kick him out into the street I'm positive he'll go the wrong way. If he stays here he'll continue to be too comfortable, go out ocassionally and use drugs, sleep all day, leave messes for everyone, etc.. These are rules that he knows he is not supposed to abuse but he does them anyway and when you call him on it, he says "I'll try harder, but you're always on my case". What do you do to a 19 year old when he blatantly doesn't try? There isn't much to take away from him, he doesn't care.

    So there is my dilemma. I don't want to be the one that pushes him full force into the life he was living before, but I don't want to enable the person he is right now. Am I a terrible mother for not wanting him at all right now?

  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    No, you're not terrible just tired and rightly so. I've been in your shoes. It is a tough place to be. -RM
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No. I'd make him leave too. Why make it easy for him to do drugs? Make him pay for his own place, walk to work/school, have to occupy his time thinking of how to survive as an adult?

    Is there anywhere he can move to be away from this crowd of friends? He was doing so well. My daughter, in all honesty, may never have gotten her act together if she didn't have relatives in another state so she could start out fresh.
  4. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Thanks all, it's not easy raising difficult child's.

    MWM - you're right. He was doing so well, and in truth, he could be doing alot worse. He is trying to go the right path, he's just struggling. I think he'll be moving in with his girlfriend on Sunday. She is a non drug friend and has been a good influence in some ways, in other ways, not so much so. I guess we can't have it all.

    On Monday he has a meeting with the college and two job interviews. His girlfriend says that he has to have a job or she won't date him.

    Fingers crossed that we're on another upswing... Right now he's visiting his girlfriend until she moves here for college (going into 3rd year - i thought it was 2nd year). She has a great family and I know that he's not using drugs or smoking when he's there, so it's a bit of relief for me and my hubby.

    Rejected mom, you're right. I am sooo tired. I've been working with him, arranging, running around for him, worrying about him and I'm spent. My husband is feeling the same. We see the strides our difficult child has made and we've been lenient because of his depression, but we're ready to see more. Our difficult child needs to stay as motivated as he was a few months ago. He becomes comfortable in our home and takes advantage of us. We're done with that.

    Thanks to you both for your input.
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Well, you and husband decide what is best for you two.

    If he is to remain in your home, it seems best that he be told that drugs are NOT okay. Perhaps you might want to drug test.

    Good thing the girlfriend is coming back to town and good thing she isn't into drugs. Perhaps the two of them living together would be a good thing. Can he move in with her NOW? What about with a relative of yours or hers temporarily (one that is stable).

    What did he learn from losing the job? Is he willing to go back to the psychiatrist and/or psychologist? I would open up this up for brief discussion.

    Check out Suz's link on detachment. Especially if he is using again, see if your community has a Families Anonymous Mtg. and GO!

    It seems all you can do is offer psychological and other medical support, some general ideas if he asks and is willing to accept input, boundaries about what you will allow in your home. The rest is up to him...really.

    Find things to distract you from all of this...it will do you a world of gooooood!!!!
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    In my case? Homeless.

    Hang in there. (passes rosin to strengthen the grip on the end of your rope)
  7. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    You're in a hard place. If you can hang on until Sunday, I would encourage him to try to work things out with the girlfriend. If he tends to take on the characteristics of those he spends time with, he may clean up around her - or, if she means enough to him, he may make an effort for her that he won't for you.

    On the other hand, if neither of the above hold, he may bounce back to you - in which case you and husband will want to have talked over the issue beforehand. Whether he can come back, and if so, on what terms and with what rules.

    This is so exhausting. You deserve a break! I hope things work out with girlfriend so that you have some breathing room.
  8. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Hi again,

    Well he's staying with the girlfriend and moving into her apartment on Sunday, until then, he's visiting and staying at her family's home.

    My difficult child and I have always been close. He's my first son from my first marriage and the bond has always been very strong. I'm happy (*for my sanity and those around me), but it's a little sad too. With all of the good changes he's made, our younger easy child will miss him. I have this nagging feeling this might not last "too" long though.

    I hope his meeting at that college works out. I'm not planning on attending, it's one of those things I'm letting him work out. He never put any effort into the first time he went, so I told him he needs to prove that he's serious and get things in order for himself this time.

    I'm hoping he'll get a job on Monday. He has two interviews. One job is at a clothing store and he would love it. It's further away than we hoped for but he can get theree on a bus easily in 10-15 minutes. If he's in school he'll have a bus pass.

    I just found out that I can extend my dental benefits for him until he's 21 regardless of where he is or what he's doing. He hasn't had a proper cleaning and polishing for just over a year now as he was so busy abusing his body he really didn't care (he has beautiful teeth). I told him the other day that we could still have him on our benefits if he wanted to go to the dentist and he was so excited. What a diffence, a year ago, he wouldn't have cared if all of his teeth fell out.

    My hubby and I are enjoying the weekend with easy child's, getting them ready for school and savouring the peace and quiet without difficult child. It will be nice to be able to invite him for dinner once a week instead of having him live here and continue creating chaos.

    I love my difficult child dearly, as we all do. That's why it feels so wrong to want to do the "happy dance" now that he might be on his way out our door. Hubby hasn't said too much, but I know their relationship will be much better if difficult child is out on his own. My hubby and I work really hard and it especially burns him when our difficult child is lazy, unmotivated, etc. Another thing, difficult child has another appointment with his psychiatric. He's going to continue therapy, every two weeks.

    Not a bad start to my day.

    Cheers all.
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    This is GREAT NEWS!
    Did you say he is moving in with girlfriend who does NOT use drugs and he has work prospects? SUPER. Perhaps let him know that you will make medical care available to him, including psychological care and in fact, expect him to get to his psychological services. You might want (cross your fingers) to get the girlfriend to buy into this. If your husband likes the idea of a once a week dinner, that sounds okay. No more though, okay? Find things to do that YOU enjoy and of course you and and your husband enjoy doing together. Rediscover yourself and your relationship together with- your spouse. This IS a nice start to your day...but very glad to read that you are enjoying your easy child...please continue to find other things about the day to enjoy! Awesome!
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sounds like a plan. What do you intend to tell him if his relationship with the girlfriend ends? Is moving back home an option? If it isn't (and it is reasonable if it isn't) then he needs to know this. It will help him by underlining the importance of staying on the right path.

    Sometimes our kids NEED to feel homeless in order to stay on the right path. Staying with a parent after age 18 is NOT a given. It IS a privilege, esp when you have proven you will not follow the rules and be considerate of the rest of the family.

    I think you and husband need to talk privately and come to an agreement on what help you will and will not provide in this instance.
  11. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Hi all,

    Well it seems like husband and I need to come up with some new plans "just in case". I'm so tired right now and enjoying the peace and quiet. Maybe husband and I can talk on the weekend.

    difficult child has moved in with his girlfriend. They're 15 minutes away so they've been here briefly everyday. They don't have a phone yet so they come to follow up on job prospects. Nothing yet, but hopefully something will turn up soon. They should have a phone later this week. He had an appointment with the college today, I'm not sure how that went.

    On a good note, his girlfriend gets him up every morning and pushes him out the door. He'll accomplish a lot more with her telling him what to do instead of me being the bad guy.

    I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I don't want him to come home, but I don't want him out on the streets either.

    Why can't things be simple? Oh well, one day at a time. Today (for right now) is a good day. I'll take it for what it's worth.

    Thanks for the input. I need all the help I can get.

    Another good note, he's definitely not using any drugs. He looks good, gained plenty of weight and he smiles a bit more.
  12. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Well, difficult child is home. It appears as though his girlfriend forgot to mention to her roommate that she was allowing her boyfriend (my difficult child) to move in with her. That's the end of their "live in" relationship.

    On a good note, difficult child is enrolled in his college programme and my hubby and I decided not to help him financially for the first term. WE told him that if he proves to us that he is serious, we'll help him out next term. One of his friends (nice girl with wealthy parents) loaned him the remaining tuition funds he needed. I'm leary about this, but he seems determined to pay her back (slowly) and he did get a job this week. He seems excited about the programme he's in (child and youth worker) so my fingers are crossed.

    Education is so important to me and I really struggled with whether or not I would help him financially this term. I just couldn't. He had plenty of opportunity to work full time over the summer and save but he didn't. My hubby and I paid for quite a bit last year and he quit school and didn't even tell us. Thankfully i was able to get some payments waived so we wouldn't be on the hook for his full year. I'm surprised he found a way to get there. He went to the college today and turned in his books from last year, now he can buy used books for this year. He has a roof over his head, he doesn't have to pay rent when he's in college and we'll feed him.

    Why am I struggling with this decision? I"m sure I'll be fine tomorrow...

    Take care everyone...