well told the 22yr old never to contact me again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Matty's Mummy, Nov 25, 2012.

  1. Matty's Mummy

    Matty's Mummy Member

    well I feel mixed feelings, I think I should feel giult and mayne I do I'm not sure, I know it's on my heart, but I cant give in to his abuse.
    I'm done with it, I dont want it. I left his father so I dont have to live with abuse when he was 2 years old> i've a new family and none of my other kids abuse me nor woudl my partner ever a buse me. we have been together since my son was 3yrs old woudl you think growing up with my abuse in the home woudl help him? no it didnt' words that came from his mouth last week were straight from hsi fathers as well as some words to shock me.
    he said to me "go suck a C**k" and "Your a BLEEP< BLEEP S**T" exact words hsi father used once, so I knew just where it came from.
    I'm reall ydoe really over it, so he calls me up a week later (he didn't cal for my birthday which was great because I wasn't calling him for hsi the next day" however calls me 2 days later in a soft voice "mum.. " pause "mum how are you" well I just said 'cant talk by" and i hung up.
    I know he will fall flat on his face and his father will lead him down a slippery slop with drinking... but I'm not going to be there. so that go me all worried at what point f ever woudl I talk to him again?
    I dont want abuse and when I talk to him, regardless of all I have tried he sees nice, and support as weekness and I cant change it. I abused him back pretty bad for the first time ever and while I'm not proud, he heard me for the first time.
    what is it when all a person responds to is the same agression they dish out.
    he was pretty shocked at what he got back, I tol dhim some home truths and that he was a horrible child who we did all we coudl for and he chooses to be a horrible adult.... stuff like that.
    so I'm Occupational Therapist (OT) giving in and not talkin gto him, family and friends can think what they like, but I'm so done with this ****. but I wonder he is in hospital and I know I cant go, he has to fix himself and do it on his own or with support he finds himself... but how long I wonder 3 year I'm thinking a min at the moment maybe 2, before I woudl ever talk to him. I know it cant be less than 2 not sure why it's just a figure I'd liek it to be 3 ha. does that sound terrible? we have gone a few months before with no contact but that wasn't becuase of a fight.

    ok the other thing before I had for sleep at 2:30 am is how long have others left it? and did it help? do you wish you just never spoke to them again because they havne't changed?
    oh he was drinking as well, but wasn't that drunk as he coudl call me back.. and called my mother, my sister, hsi sister and I guess ohters as well. oh hsi father...
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Not sure what others would say, but I think maybe he needs this from you. Needs to know that you will NOT tolerate being abused, and that until he changes then he doesn't need to contact you. If 2 or 3 yrs is what seems right, then that is what is right for you. Sometimes we have to recognize that it is not healthy to have someone in our lives, and we have to act on that.

    22 year olds can be very immature, but that is not universal. I hope this is the shock he needs and he will seek help and change. Do what feels right, and don't give in and tolerate his abuse. You will worry and fret about him because you are his mom, but you do not have to tolerate his behavior. I hope that you do talk to a therapist to help come to grips iwth this. I think alanon would also be a good thing for you because it will help you deal with how his alcohol abuse affects you.

    I know it was hard. (((((hugs)))))
  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I agree he has to learn to control his anger and show respect. I go through the same with my difficult child son - and now his difficult child girlie thinks she is going to call me names - I JUST DON'T THINK SO!

    Somewhere I heard, people treat you the way you let them treat you. I believe it!! We would never have been able to talk to people the way our youth does today. A total stranger will cuss you out for a small thing.

    It's still not easy because they are a part of us, but I drew the line in the sand and if mine wants to be in my circle they will learn not to cross it. I don't expect anyone to kiss my a** and trust me I will not kiss theirs either. They are adults now and they need to learn how to treat others with respect.

    I have been practicing the theory, would I stay friends with a person that treats me the way you do???

    (((blessings for us all)))
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi MM. I'm sorry you're going through this with your son. Abuse is abuse no matter whom it comes from, if your son is abusing you, you are right and appropriate in setting very strong boundaries which keep you safe and protected. If he cannot abide by your boundaries, then detaching become necessary. If you haven't mapped it out clearly for him to understand your departure is not simply because you lost your temper, you may want to make it very clear that it's his abusive behavior which you will no longer tolerate. I think the amount of time you refuse to see him is less important then the ultimatum that you will not see him as long as he is abusive verbally, emotionally, physically, mentally, any way at all, that the boundary is not time, it's his abusive behavior. If that was not made very clear to him, I would make it very clear. I would say, "when you can treat me with respect, when you can be sober and when you can appreciate me, give me a call, otherwise, your behavior is not going to be tolerated here. And, until you can meet those expectations, do not contact me."

    Detaching from our kids is a very difficult road, but if their behavior towards us is abusive, it becomes necessary. Do not tolerate the abuse, you do not deserve that kind of treatment. It may be a good idea to seek some kind of counseling for yourself, therapy, a parent support group, a 12 step group, some place you can go to to be able to get support for all the feelings you are having about this. Many of us worn out parents need support to get through the process of detachment because it's such an unnatural and difficult process. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how hard it is. ((((HUGS))))
  5. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I agree, you don't need to/should not tolerate abuse from your son. The language he used crosses a line that should not be crossed. After SO many years of abuse, both from ex-husband and from difficult child, I see the value of firm boundaries. We aren't responsible for their abuse; yet the more we tolerate, the more they feel free to do or say. We can only protect ourselves by setting those boundaries and challenging every time they're breached. If you feel that 3 years are necessary for your own healing and peace of mind, so be it. Take the time you need. Your son will only learn to respect boundaries when he's shown that they are important.

    I'm still learning this ... don't mean to come across as knowing it all. I know it in theory but also know that practice is much harder. Many hugs and supportive vibes coming your way! Take care of yourself.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Bless your heart. I hope this brings you some peace. My son can be very abusive as part of his disability and even that can take an emotional toll.
    I agree the time is not as important as what you feel is right as time goes on. The one exception you may consider would be if he was in treatment (for a while ) and with a therapist. Still wouldn't mean youd have to see him in your daily life. Just a thought but certainly not any rules for this stuff. You have yourself and the rest of your family to care for and to enjoy.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I will never talk to my oldest again. She knows it. She went too far, and nothing more was said. We were gone. We left the West coast where we were born and moved to North Carolina to get away from her and all of the everything that went with her. It's difficult, especially now that the holidays are coming, but we have made this decision and we're sticking with it. I wanted to do this 27 years ago, and we should have done it then.

    My only advice to you is that if you say "forever" to your son, you had better make it forever. If say it and you can't follow through, you're only upping the drama. Forever is not just a long time. It means "never again".
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont think you need a set time. You will know when you are ready to see what he has to offer. Right now as sorry as he might be, you are to raw to try. This is real life and he needs to see the consequences of his actions. Hats off to you! Stop the cycle if you can....and right now this is your only option left. Hugs!
  9. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    You took a courageous step. It is crucial that we show our children that we will not tolerate this sort of behaviour from them. It's hard, and it hurts, but your job as a parent is to teach him right from wrong, and that includes not putting up with it when he's doing wrong to you.

    As for a reconciliation, I think the timing is "until". Until your difficult child shows that he will treat you properly, with respect and civility and an acceptance of your boundaries, then you will stay out of touch. It may indeed be forever, or it may not. But if you reconcile any sooner than "until", you will undo everything you've achieved by taking a stand in the first place. Your difficult child will learn that he can wait you out, and he will not take you seriously if you get to this point again.
  10. Matty's Mummy

    Matty's Mummy Member

    thank you all, I had just loged back into this web page and realised I'd never returned to thank everyone who post. sorry. I was completely drained by my son and all that went on.

    we had a few calls he called as he was getting engaged, changed his life... and yet it was still there he blamed me for the way the call went. I told him I wouldn't be going and not to his wedding and he has never called back.
    thanks again everyone.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son is emotionally abusive and has come very close to saying things as awful as yours did. I made a decision, due to his mental illness, to talk to him since he is stuck living in Missouri, is afraid to travel, and can't be near me. But when talking to him if he raises his voice, I hang up. The phone is much easier to deal with than physical closeness. He can never live with me, even if he's homeless one day. I feel he could be dangerous to me if he loses it. And I am not about to visit him and be alone with him either. I keep us still connected but at a safe physical distance.