OK, so my daughter called me Saturday night. Her voice is cheerful, happy, calm........she launches into all these classes she's taking........yoga, meditation, group therapy, creative writing, and quite a few others. She has at least one class a day. You would have thought she was calling from college and sharing her classes with me. On and on she went, stories about her teachers, the other women, how she is reading a book by a woman who was incarcerated and taught herself to meditate. She's met two other women who are Buddhists. She considers herself an aspiring Buddhist. She has formed a sort of women's group with a few women who are in jail for minor issues like herself.
She told me that she did a creative writing essay and one of the other women in the group cried when my daughter read it out loud. That had such an impact on her, I can still hear her voice, "she cried Mom, she cried about what I wrote." It brings tears to my eyes to hear that in her voice, that she was moved, that she could feel, she's been so closed down for so long, I forgot what her voice had sounded like when it wasn't filled with bitterness.
She volunteered to work in the kitchen so she gets up at 4 AM. She was laughing and telling me she gets to eat French Toast. This is a women who couldn't get out of bed by 2 PM. This is a woman who has not worked or wanted to work for 4 years. This is a woman who forgot how to laugh, who hasn't been excited about anything since her husband died.
She asked me when I pick her up in April if I would be willing to drive her to the county office (it's actually right across the street from the jail) so she can get her food stamps reinstated and also sign up for their work program so she can start the process of getting her own place to live. She has NEVER said that before.
She told me she thinks this incarceration is "fate" that she was "supposed to be there." She feels like her life is going to change. She says "it's time now." She can't seem to stop thanking me, telling me how much she appreciates me and how much she loves me. She says she is going to write to me too. She told me she is learning to forgive. Oh my.
I hardly said a word. I just listened. She talked for close to 20 minutes. Then she happily announced she was taking a shower and she would call me in a few days. She said she is helping her cell mate to cope with some life issues and she felt so good about that.
I felt my heart opening and my love for her unleashed from the prison it's been in, the walls I had to erect around my heart to protect myself from her choices and sometimes from her.
I got off the phone, came downstairs and said to my SO, "OK, the POD people have kidnapped my daughter and replaced her with a humanoid who sounds like her but is not her."
I told SO what she said and the look on his face was priceless, it must have been the same look I had on my face too. We had just stepped into the Twilight Zone.
On Friday I talked to a Social Worker from the NAMI offshoot. She can be a great resource for my daughter in finding shelters in the town she is in, a much bigger town then where I live, so many more resources. She gave me her entire weekly schedule so I can find her so my daughter can talk to her when she gets out. That made me feel good to know I had someone I could talk to and who will be able to help. She said one very interesting thing after I explained the entire situation to her. She said, "I've seen it many times, when someone really has to face homelessness, they change."
Here's the interesting thing for me.......I am responding like that farmer in the story I posted a while ago.........with all the ups and downs of life he just keeps saying, maybe yes maybe no. Here is the story:
********************************************************************
Once there was a Chinese farmer who worked his poor farm together with his son and their horse. When the horse ran off one day, neighbors came to say, “How unfortunate for you!” The farmer replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”
When the horse returned, followed by a herd of wild horses, the neighbors gathered around and exclaimed, “What good luck for you!” The farmer stayed calm and replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”
While trying to tame one of wild horses, the farmer’s son fell, and broke his leg. He had to rest up and couldn’t help with the farm chores. “How sad for you,” the neighbors cried. “Maybe yes, maybe no,” said the farmer.
Shortly thereafter, a neighboring army threatened the farmer’s village. All the young men in the village were drafted to fight the invaders. Many died. But the farmer’s son had been left out of the fighting because of his broken leg. People said to the farmer, “What a good thing your son couldn’t fight!” “Maybe yes, maybe no,” was all the farmer said.
***************************************************************************
I listened to all that my daughter told me, I was happy that she was finding joy and calm in her environment. However, I did not jump into , "this is it, this is her bottom, this is the change." I thought maybe I would wake up on Sunday and do that, but I haven't.
All the reading I've been doing lately and all the practicing..........it's made a difference. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. I am not excited or worried in the usual ways I have done that. I am actually okay. I refuse to let an impending date down the road ruin or in any way impact THIS moment, which is all I have. I am practicing that in all areas of my life, staying in the middle, attempting not to judge, not to compare, not to be attached to an outcome and to feel compassion for myself and, well, everyone. Compassion for me is a big one since I have always had much compassion for others, it was myself that I was so hard on.
The truth is that I have no idea how this will go. She could call tonight and be back in the darkness and then what? Do I go south with her? I want to stay in my center regardless of WHAT is going on around me, regardless of what those around me are feeling or doing........that's my practice.
My daughter seems to be looking at this as if it's a chance. A chance to heal, to change, to grow. She has no distractions, she is not in survival mode, she is not smoking cigarettes, she is going to bed early and apparently getting enough sleep, she is making sure by working in the kitchen that she is getting the best shot at a healthy diet as she can considering where she is.........she is appreciating me and also the one room in the jail where she can see the sun and the moon.....she is feeling gratitude, (I can't recall her ever truly feeling grateful)....she is taking a truckload of classes to help her in so many ways, meditation and yoga hold the possibility of making some big changes if she is ready for them. I agree with her that this is a chance and I hope she takes it and the truth is she may not. Maybe yes, maybe no.
I feel good. I have also implemented many of the changes I've learned from my daughter with my granddaughter and that relationship flourishes. In learning how to be more honest and set boundaries it has created a real intimacy in my close relationships and made a difference in my working environment too. I am seeing the changes sweep across my life now.........practice, practice, practice.
I am so grateful for all of you and this forum........ where we can all bring our pain, our joy, our fears, all of it......... and feel safe about doing it.............and walk away feeling better............where we can offer a hand and grab onto a hand...........it is such a gift..........thank you.
As SO always says about life, about all of it........."we don't know where we're going, but we're on our way"..............
She told me that she did a creative writing essay and one of the other women in the group cried when my daughter read it out loud. That had such an impact on her, I can still hear her voice, "she cried Mom, she cried about what I wrote." It brings tears to my eyes to hear that in her voice, that she was moved, that she could feel, she's been so closed down for so long, I forgot what her voice had sounded like when it wasn't filled with bitterness.
She volunteered to work in the kitchen so she gets up at 4 AM. She was laughing and telling me she gets to eat French Toast. This is a women who couldn't get out of bed by 2 PM. This is a woman who has not worked or wanted to work for 4 years. This is a woman who forgot how to laugh, who hasn't been excited about anything since her husband died.
She asked me when I pick her up in April if I would be willing to drive her to the county office (it's actually right across the street from the jail) so she can get her food stamps reinstated and also sign up for their work program so she can start the process of getting her own place to live. She has NEVER said that before.
She told me she thinks this incarceration is "fate" that she was "supposed to be there." She feels like her life is going to change. She says "it's time now." She can't seem to stop thanking me, telling me how much she appreciates me and how much she loves me. She says she is going to write to me too. She told me she is learning to forgive. Oh my.
I hardly said a word. I just listened. She talked for close to 20 minutes. Then she happily announced she was taking a shower and she would call me in a few days. She said she is helping her cell mate to cope with some life issues and she felt so good about that.
I felt my heart opening and my love for her unleashed from the prison it's been in, the walls I had to erect around my heart to protect myself from her choices and sometimes from her.
I got off the phone, came downstairs and said to my SO, "OK, the POD people have kidnapped my daughter and replaced her with a humanoid who sounds like her but is not her."
I told SO what she said and the look on his face was priceless, it must have been the same look I had on my face too. We had just stepped into the Twilight Zone.
On Friday I talked to a Social Worker from the NAMI offshoot. She can be a great resource for my daughter in finding shelters in the town she is in, a much bigger town then where I live, so many more resources. She gave me her entire weekly schedule so I can find her so my daughter can talk to her when she gets out. That made me feel good to know I had someone I could talk to and who will be able to help. She said one very interesting thing after I explained the entire situation to her. She said, "I've seen it many times, when someone really has to face homelessness, they change."
Here's the interesting thing for me.......I am responding like that farmer in the story I posted a while ago.........with all the ups and downs of life he just keeps saying, maybe yes maybe no. Here is the story:
********************************************************************
Once there was a Chinese farmer who worked his poor farm together with his son and their horse. When the horse ran off one day, neighbors came to say, “How unfortunate for you!” The farmer replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”
When the horse returned, followed by a herd of wild horses, the neighbors gathered around and exclaimed, “What good luck for you!” The farmer stayed calm and replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”
While trying to tame one of wild horses, the farmer’s son fell, and broke his leg. He had to rest up and couldn’t help with the farm chores. “How sad for you,” the neighbors cried. “Maybe yes, maybe no,” said the farmer.
Shortly thereafter, a neighboring army threatened the farmer’s village. All the young men in the village were drafted to fight the invaders. Many died. But the farmer’s son had been left out of the fighting because of his broken leg. People said to the farmer, “What a good thing your son couldn’t fight!” “Maybe yes, maybe no,” was all the farmer said.
***************************************************************************
I listened to all that my daughter told me, I was happy that she was finding joy and calm in her environment. However, I did not jump into , "this is it, this is her bottom, this is the change." I thought maybe I would wake up on Sunday and do that, but I haven't.
All the reading I've been doing lately and all the practicing..........it's made a difference. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. I am not excited or worried in the usual ways I have done that. I am actually okay. I refuse to let an impending date down the road ruin or in any way impact THIS moment, which is all I have. I am practicing that in all areas of my life, staying in the middle, attempting not to judge, not to compare, not to be attached to an outcome and to feel compassion for myself and, well, everyone. Compassion for me is a big one since I have always had much compassion for others, it was myself that I was so hard on.
The truth is that I have no idea how this will go. She could call tonight and be back in the darkness and then what? Do I go south with her? I want to stay in my center regardless of WHAT is going on around me, regardless of what those around me are feeling or doing........that's my practice.
My daughter seems to be looking at this as if it's a chance. A chance to heal, to change, to grow. She has no distractions, she is not in survival mode, she is not smoking cigarettes, she is going to bed early and apparently getting enough sleep, she is making sure by working in the kitchen that she is getting the best shot at a healthy diet as she can considering where she is.........she is appreciating me and also the one room in the jail where she can see the sun and the moon.....she is feeling gratitude, (I can't recall her ever truly feeling grateful)....she is taking a truckload of classes to help her in so many ways, meditation and yoga hold the possibility of making some big changes if she is ready for them. I agree with her that this is a chance and I hope she takes it and the truth is she may not. Maybe yes, maybe no.
I feel good. I have also implemented many of the changes I've learned from my daughter with my granddaughter and that relationship flourishes. In learning how to be more honest and set boundaries it has created a real intimacy in my close relationships and made a difference in my working environment too. I am seeing the changes sweep across my life now.........practice, practice, practice.
I am so grateful for all of you and this forum........ where we can all bring our pain, our joy, our fears, all of it......... and feel safe about doing it.............and walk away feeling better............where we can offer a hand and grab onto a hand...........it is such a gift..........thank you.
As SO always says about life, about all of it........."we don't know where we're going, but we're on our way"..............
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