went to c place today

[Jena]

hi

i went to c the place today. took 4 hours by car and the rain made it rougher. it's a hospital, just a regular hospital. yet they have one whole wing dedicated to eating disorders.

her room would be a hospital room, yet kids have their own blankets, toys, teddy bears etc. she would be the youngest there.

they keep them busy all day inbetween weighing in, than alot of meals and snacks and tutoring (place speaks directly with-her school and faxes their work over). her day would start at 6 a.m. which for her would be soo hard being she's up all night. than it's therapy, group therapy with other kids, yoga, journaling class, schoolwork, with a few breaks inbetween. she'd have phone in her room she can call me on her breaks. anyway that's that. director said she'll be very upset with-you when you leave her so be prepared.

she was with her dad all weekend long. who was giving her carnation drinks inside of hot chocolate which is one of the things she'll drink. she's now sick i hear and on her way home to me.

he tried to force her to eat, she got down a few bites of a burger the other night and a few bites of crackers yet that's it. i asked her what he did to force her she just said dad said please eat i'll be upset if you dont'.

so i gotta decide what i'm diong. haven't seen her since friday either. not sure if i should decide quickly and have her in by wednesday or if i should sit on it till monday and take her there.

 

[Jena]

oh sorry i'm writing quick, busy night tonight all kids are here. they'd also try to figure out all her other issues and medicate her accordingly. watch her around the clock sort of thing. yet my biggest concern was when she's wigging out at night and manic who tends to her than, who helps her than since lights out is at 9 p.m. which for her is a nightmare.

 

[klmno]

Well, despite your best momma's love, intentions, and efforts, she isn't getting better at home in the middle of the night. I think you should take her Wed. I know it would be hard but i hope you stick to this.

 

[susiestar]

Jen, I think you have to take her. If you keep her home it is going to get so much worse. She NEEDS this help and needs it NOW.

I promise that they will work out the middle of the night thing. They won't leave a kid abandoned in the middle of the night to her mania and anxiety. MANY of our kids are nightowls, or their problems are much worse at night. She will NOT be the first person there who has problems at night.

She NEEDS professionals to observe her and figure this out. She will get medications to bring things to a level where she can use the coping skills she has and will learn, and will be on them long enough to know if the side effects will pass or the medication needs to be changed. It is also very possible that with-o you right there at night, she will learn to soothe herself and find a way to sleep part of the night so she can function during the day.

After a while she might enjoy being around the other kids and work to change her sleep schedule so she is awake during the day.

She will also get help with this food phobia, which is incredibly serious and needs IMMEDIATE treatment.

This place won't be perfect, esp at first. There will be things that must be worked out, but in my opinion you don't have weeks to figure this out, to find an alternative that will be perfect that you can afford.

Unless you have another option, one that is realistic, I think you need to admit her as soon as they have an opening for her. She NEEDS this help, even if it isn't the perfect place.

She isn't getting better at home or with her dad. The guilt he used to get her to eat is an incredibly destructive tool, esp for eating disorders.

When you admit her, ask them what goes on at night, how many staff are there, what training they have, etc...It may help ease your mind about her being there.

You are going to have to harden your heart against her pleas to take her out of there early. Unless there is actual abuse going on, leaving her there is at least a chance to help her with the dangerous food phobia and her other problems.

{{{{{{{{{{hugs for you and husband and the other kids}}}}}}}}}} {{{{{{{{{{hugs for difficult child}}}}}}}}}}

 

[DammitJanet]

Take her. Leaving them somewhere is incredibly hard but it is what a parent does. You wouldnt hesitate one second if they called and said she had cancer and she needed to be in the hospital tomorrow. Its the same thing. They will deal with whatever comes up. You just have to be strong enough to handle anything she throws at you. Just like a parent is going to feel horrible when nurses have to stick IV's and needles in a child for chemo, we have to be strong when our kids want to come home because the hospital tries to make them deal with emotional stuff. Its the same thing. Be strong.

 

[klmno]

PS To elaborate, if they have a wing dedicated to these type issues then those nurses on the wing have probably seen and heard a lot- 24/7 - and know how to deal with it. They can talk to her at 3:00 am if necessary and even though they aren't licensed tdocs, they might be better than some tdocs. The nurses at difficult child's psychiatric hospital were angels and had more insight than many LCSWs. They can't give her Mom's love and nurturing, true, but you have already figured out that Mom's love alone isn't going to fix this, correct? She's plenty old enough to know and feel that love from you without being around her all night long.

 

[Wiped Out]

Jen,
I do agree, it really is sounding right now like she needs this hospitalization. They will deal with the middle of the night piece; this cannot be completely foreign to them. Sending many gentle hugs your way.

 

[Jena]

yes it is very hard as many of you know. and difficult child's attachment to me is horrible which will only make it worse. i just sat in the bathroom and cried today wondering how it got this way, all the years of therapists and pyschiatrists and diff medications and diff approaches and now she wont' eat. i'm just really tired and worn out. husband also exploded today as well which didnt' help matters. amazing he held on all these mos. thru 3 and 4 a.m. and going to work tired and now we are at home stretch and he had me crying in about 20 seconds tonight. tonight id love to just put him in a hotel somewhere to be honest. now it's about difficult child, and making the best choice for her.

 

[Jena]

going wednesday very early. tomorrow i have to go thru all her clothes, wash them, pack them, her stuffed animals, toys, etc. pictures of stuff. told her she wasnt' too happy. she said i want to get help i want to eat solid food and i also dont' want to feel this way anymore my anxiety is so bad. i'm tired of it.

 

[nvts]

Jena, my heart goes out to you - our lives are sooo on the same page right now. I have to go look at a group home (local - thru the Waiver program that we're working with) for residential placement. The psychiatric hospital. is waiting for my decision and then they'll release him to the program.

I'm shot. I don't want to do this, but his behavior is getting worse by the minute. I can't stand it, but it's the right thing to do.

I have you and difficult child in my prayers!

Beth

 

[svengandhi]

The hospital should have 24/7 staffing and, unlike you, those people will be rested and may have the detachment to deal with your daughter's issues with compassion but without the guilt that you probably feel as her mother. As someone else said, they have also probably seen and heard it all many times before. You have had a tough few months, you and the rest of your family need to rest and recharge so that when difficult child comes home, she will be able to return to school and eat a meal there.

The program you described sounds well-structured and goal-oriented. They are letting her bring her comfort objects from home, so make sure she has a framed photo of you and of her dad, since it seems like he is important to her, even if you can't stand him. Also, give her pre-stamped and addressed envelopes for letters and write to her often.

Hopefully, she won't be there too long.

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

Hang in there, Jena. If you don't have a list of what to bring, call the facility and ask what she is allowed to have. If it is a big blow up with her over not being allowed to bring something, take it with you and let the staff tell her she cannot have it. You don't need that battle. She will get through this. It just takes a lot of strength from you.

 

[Farmwife]

The structure and routine they have sounds really nice. There is something so important about establishing a routine in these anxiety/mania situations. At first she will hate it, she will complain and she WILL use every guilt trip in the book to get home. It's like a puppy on it's first few nights away from mom and the litter mates. She will whine whine whine and howel hoping you will save her. It's after that stage that she will start to do better. Don't expect fast results. Once she sinks into a new structure she will grow to find comfort in it and slowly relax. (she may even get temporarily worse so be prepared, it is soooo common) She will be in a SAFE place. Even though you may be afraid they are professionals and are set up to manage her.

There will always be someone around in the nurses station. They will never leave kiddos or any other patients unsupervised. During her late night moments they will be there to try and redirect her. I am sure they have seen their share of people climbing the walls and howling at the moon. Their goal will more than likely be to slowly wean her back to a regular wake/sleep schedule. That takes time, they know it.

Try to find ways to encourage her to keep some of the routine when she gets home. Eating and sleeping are obvious but simple things like meals at the same time as were served there, doing some of the yoga with her etc. will go a long way. When she finally gets settled in and the comes home disrupting her routine can cause some anxiety. Her routine will likely become her safety net/security blanket.

I am sooo glad the school is on board and communicating with them. That in itself is such a blessing!!

I am sorry to hear about your fried emotions and difficulties with husband. Try not to do or say anything too drastic, yet. A lack of sleep coupled with major stress really has a way of changing people in a way even they may not sense. After a couple weeks of solid sleep, quiet time as a couple and time to think you will find that the world will look very different. Even though you are between a rock and a hard place I suspect your husband may be feeling a bit forgotten, I bet he understands why but it doesn't make him need you less... Even though you are at your wits end try not to fall into a situation where you make major relationship choices, yet. He MUST love you if he has been by your side this far. Maybe, tell him you are scared, exhausted and need him to help you through this. Some men like to feel like they can be problem solvers so when their lady is in distress and they feel helpless to save her it gets them edgy. It is so easy to become adversarial rather than closer during times of high stress, that is normal.

Long story short, when the dust settles the two of you will probably remember why you fell in love in the first place, again. These difficult child's really dump a lot of drama on what could be perfect romances. You shouldn't have to choose between the two.

 

[Jena]

hey everyone thanks for all the kind words and support. you guys are truly the best. i soo need to have you all over with-a bottle of wine now wouldnt' that be cool??

BETH listen i hear you and you and me we are going to be ok, and so are our kids. you just have too much right now, but your made of steel and you will pull thru. you really will. Janet said something to me yesterday and i already knew it yet ya know how that goes you still need someone to sit you down like a kid and reitterate it, lol. janet said if something was wrong physically with-your kid you wouldn't hesitate. that is what i thought all night last night while difficult child cried about going. that is what got me thru it so far. thanks janet! so just take those words their logical. and sometimes when drama and emotions are running high we gotta shift into logical mode. it makes it easier.

now my wisdom filled strong self will be rocking in a corner tmrw night at hotel lol so i want you all to remember the calm level headed me because she'll be on vacation tmrw night

love you all. and i dont' say that lightly trust me! but you guys, just have really good hearts. doesn't matter if you aren't in person. k hallmark moment done!! back to packing her up

 

[totoro]

Just remember that when you are in that corner and crying- your trying to help her- you are not giving up on your child- you have not abandoned her- you have not dumped your child like so many people do in these situations or just choose to ignore the problem.
You are fighting for your child- you are being a Warrior Mom, take a moment to not be hard so on your self.
She has a long hard road and this is the first step yet again. We are here to hold your hand in spirit.
Take this time to try to sleep, get your thoughts together about when she does come home, talk to husband and like the others have said maybe this time of calm will give the both of you some time to communicate better.

I am thinking of you..

 

[Jena]

toto i know and thanks!

ok so my truck broke down today in the middle of her and i at the store buying pjs and soaps etc. for her there. alot of money later and hours later it's fixed. when it rains it pours.

 

[Jena]

ok wish us luck. i'm packing up my virus ridden easy child now for the night. i'll be staying in jersey for the week. it's too long a drive initially. it actually cost less to stay there than commute back and forth for the week, its' 50 a day in gas and tolls. we gotta get on the road at 6 tmw. to make it there by 9:30. i hope difficult child sleeps tonight i don't think she will. shes' all packed, with clothes, toys, pics, things for her room there, my trucks' loaded. and husband's truck has all my junk for the week. days will be rough there sitting around all day long in a hotel room awaiting visiting hour at 7 each day. wondering what she's going thru. their already trying to find a medication for her.

 

[DammitJanet]

Things will be ok. I cant actually remember clearly how many places I had to put Cory in over the years so that tells you it has to be a lot...lol. The first few times were tough and we had the tears. Actually, we had more tears with jail than with psychiatric stuff so just be happy its psychiatric, think of it that way.

I can tell you this. Cory has never blamed me for all of the placements or anything we did to try and get him better. He knows we did our very level best. He knows he was a handful. He has never held it over our heads or said he didnt think we loved him because we sent him away.

Dont let that fear get in the way of doing what is best for your child. When she grows up she will understand too.

 

[susiestar]

I hope you are asleep right now, tomorrow is going to be a long, tough, emotional day. I am rather glad you will be staying in a hotel there for a few days. Use the time when you are not visiting her to do stuff for YOU, to recharge your batteries. Whatever it is that you enjoy doing, DO IT!! Catch up on your sleep, veg for a while, take walks, read, whatever it is that will help you ditch some of the stress. She is going to beg and plead to go home. I have faith that you will stand strong and insist that she stay there. It is going to be hard work for her, and for you the hard work will be to disengage and let it be HER hard work and HER fight, to create a more healthy boundary between the 2 of you.

Don't take anything she says personally. Wiz said a whole lot of horrible things when we sent him to the psychiatric hospital. Now that he is on the right path and is doing well he has actually thanked me for forcing him to go to the psychiatric hospital and for forcing him out of our home. He stills hates the psychiatric hospital he was in, largely because they didn't tolerate his **** or let him get away with much, but he says he needed to be there. This is what your daughter needs, and you are doing exactly the right thing for her.

Many hugs, drive safe, and get some sleep after she is at the hospital!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Jena,

I know you are already on the road, but hugs and positive thoughts. I know today will be tough on both of you. You are doing the right thing by your beautiful daughter.

Sharon