And now I am more confused than ever. She said that if I want to work on my marriage with H, then he really needs to come with me. And then she said that once he comes, it can't really be alone because that's not fair to him. I want her all to myself. And I would still want to see her alone. I don't think I'm ready to bring him along. He still frustrates me so much and he's only been giving me lip service (not the good kind) about seeing his counselor (which is why mine thinks we should be going together). Last week I asked him if he had an appointment and he said "No, next week" so this week when I told him about my upcoming appointment, I asked him about his and he said, "Yeah I have to call him", which means he lied to me last week when he said he had an appointment for this week. Well, guess what? He hasn't called yet. And last night he got all dressed to go to his AA meeting as I happened to be running to the store and when I came home, I discovered that he did not end up going. Later I asked him if he went and he seemed very annoyed and said "No" but then tried to come with me to walk the dogs. Honestly, I didn't want to be anywhere near him at that point. I told my counselor that it's very disheartening to me that I am trying but I don't feel like he is. She said it sounded like he was humoring me. She also said that I cannot be in control of his recovery, or lackthereof, and that I need to continue my focus on me, which she said I'm doing good with. However, I reminded her that whether or not he works in his own counseling very much affects my ultimate decision, which she acknowledged it true. And then she gave me my homework - make lists, read my past journals, and figure out if I want to continue working on this marriage or if I just want to continue alone with her. She obviously said I can take my time, a decision does not need to be made immediately. On the one hand I have it in my head that H is my life partner, is supposed to be the one I grow old with, etc. Are those just romantic ideals or notions? I don't know. on the other hand, I don't want to grow old in a marriage void of a deep emotional connection. I know we care for one another and I know we love one another. But that is where it ends. The other day at church we were working at the market fair and H gave me some money to buy this antique bench, so I reached up and gave him a hug. It was like hugging a piece of wood. It was like hugging a telephone pole. Then he looked around, as if he was going to get caught doing something naughty. That's how it's been for so long and I can't stand it anymore. easy child's girlfriend's parents are going away this weekend to celebrate their 24th anniversary and I can't help it, I'm envious. They are always taking off for a weekend here and there and they plan it. And they are no more financially set than we are. There is no reason not to do this once in a while. They have fun, they are connected. I want that. I want that kind of closeness with H. I don't want it with anyone else, I want it with him. And sex would be nice, but only if he's actually 'in the moment' with me. Ugh, can't even go there. It's been nearly 5 months since the you-know-what hit the fan and we haven't even scratched the surface. But I know that in H's head, he is thinking that we're getting better. We're not. We're doing worse as I move closer and closer to just giving up. And when we try to talk about our feelings, I am honest about my feelings and I tell him what kind of relationship I want and all he does EVERYTIME is turn it around to be about money and his work and how stressed he is - and he gets nuts, yelling and so so angry that I clam up. I just can't take it anymore. He recently told me that he wanted to go get some kind of new electro-shock type of therapy for depression. He'd rather have electrodes attached to his brain than try an antidepressant. I have to scratch my head in wonder. Who would choose electro shock therapy over a pill? Without even trying a pill first? Anyway, I am just not doing well with this at all and having a difficult time with it all and needed to vent it out. I'm sure my 'live' friends are sick of hearing about my frustrations as you are. But any support would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.