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Went Too Far... Face to Face
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 691614" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>ST, bravo! I know the encounter cost you, but I see it as closing a door...firmly...and taking something that never was on the table...off the table. </p><p></p><p>I found that my Difficult Child would get most enraged and emotional with me about...money. That's how he saw me, as a money machine. If I said No, that door was closed, and then he had to find another door (never him actually getting straightened out and actually...hello...WORKING) and that was going to take effort.</p><p></p><p>I heard and read over and over and over again: Stop the flow of money.</p><p></p><p>You just stopped the idea of any kind of flow of money to her. And I 100 percent agree with you: no apartment, no help with that.</p><p></p><p>Be done...for now. You never know what kind of change a person is capable of. I promise you, my son was so so so far down I despaired of any real change. Ever. But you know, once HE decided to change, the progress has been consistent and steady.</p><p></p><p>I had all kinds of diagnoses figured out for him (in addition to drug addiction). I pored over all kinds of information about what in the world could be wrong with him. You name it, I thought he had it. In the end, it's been all drug addiction. He doesn't even have depression anymore, and I could have sworn that was a firm diagnosis. </p><p></p><p>Being done is a very good thing for us. I remember the day I was done, and although I loved and cared about him so very much, I couldn't do it anymore. I was just...done. I took a long break from him, and then I was willing to start seeing and talking to him again...on my terms, with strong limits, for very small bits of time, until I could see how he was going to behave. </p><p></p><p>In a few days, you may start feeling "bad" about being done. Let those feelings flow over you, because they are real. But ST, one thing I learned over a long time: I don't have to act on my feelings. I can feel them, cry about them, whatever I need to do...but I don't have to act. Believe me, the feelings will pass in a few days, even though they are very intense. Going through the He__ with my Difficult Child was the first time in my life I learned not to act on my feelings, and believe me, it was very strange and hard for me at first. I was always a "feelings" person.</p><p></p><p>But today, I get it. Feelings aren't facts. They taught me that in Al-Anon and I had no idea what they were talking about for a long time, and I basically discarded the idea out of hand. But as I learned about what those three words meant, they became very important to me. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. We are here for you. This stuff is tough, tough, tough stuff. Warm hugs this morning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 691614, member: 17542"] ST, bravo! I know the encounter cost you, but I see it as closing a door...firmly...and taking something that never was on the table...off the table. I found that my Difficult Child would get most enraged and emotional with me about...money. That's how he saw me, as a money machine. If I said No, that door was closed, and then he had to find another door (never him actually getting straightened out and actually...hello...WORKING) and that was going to take effort. I heard and read over and over and over again: Stop the flow of money. You just stopped the idea of any kind of flow of money to her. And I 100 percent agree with you: no apartment, no help with that. Be done...for now. You never know what kind of change a person is capable of. I promise you, my son was so so so far down I despaired of any real change. Ever. But you know, once HE decided to change, the progress has been consistent and steady. I had all kinds of diagnoses figured out for him (in addition to drug addiction). I pored over all kinds of information about what in the world could be wrong with him. You name it, I thought he had it. In the end, it's been all drug addiction. He doesn't even have depression anymore, and I could have sworn that was a firm diagnosis. Being done is a very good thing for us. I remember the day I was done, and although I loved and cared about him so very much, I couldn't do it anymore. I was just...done. I took a long break from him, and then I was willing to start seeing and talking to him again...on my terms, with strong limits, for very small bits of time, until I could see how he was going to behave. In a few days, you may start feeling "bad" about being done. Let those feelings flow over you, because they are real. But ST, one thing I learned over a long time: I don't have to act on my feelings. I can feel them, cry about them, whatever I need to do...but I don't have to act. Believe me, the feelings will pass in a few days, even though they are very intense. Going through the He__ with my Difficult Child was the first time in my life I learned not to act on my feelings, and believe me, it was very strange and hard for me at first. I was always a "feelings" person. But today, I get it. Feelings aren't facts. They taught me that in Al-Anon and I had no idea what they were talking about for a long time, and I basically discarded the idea out of hand. But as I learned about what those three words meant, they became very important to me. Hang in there. We are here for you. This stuff is tough, tough, tough stuff. Warm hugs this morning. [/QUOTE]
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