Went Too Far... Here we go AGAIN!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Skool Teacher, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    I just got into an argument with my husband about my daughter again. She called at little before 5am this morning stating she was coming back home because she was being put out of the lady's house that she was staying with. I told her to figure out something because coming home was NOT an option. She told me I was her mother and she has no where else to go. She was being disrespectful and demanding and I told her repeatedly, she was not going to disrespect me and coming here was not an option. She said she would sleep outside and for me to put a blanket out for her but she was coming home.

    I asked where the lady was and she said she was not there and that her EX-boyfriend said he didn't want her there at his mom's house and was putting her out. I told her again, she was not welcomed here and my home was not an option and she needed to figure out where she was going to go. She hung up. She called back and I didn't answer. She called back again and I picked up and she said she would be here in an hour. I told her again, that coming here was not an option and she needed to figure out where she was going to go. I told her she definitely needed to get away from her ex because I didn't know if he would or has already gotten physical with her but she would not be staying here. She repeated that she was on her way. I asked her was her disrespectful ex bringing her because he was not allowed to come to my property. She said he was bringing her. I then asked her how was she going to get to work because she needs to keep her job and she really didn't have an answer. Her job is not close to my home and I would not take her even if it was. I told her again, she needed to figure out where she was going because she will not be staying here. She said ok and that she understood. I told her she can't keep calling here because my husband has to go to work and her calls are disturbing his sleep.

    I have no idea if she is really coming or if this is a stunt. I'm sure it's the latter and a ploy to try to get back home. I don't want her to come but I don't want her over there with her ex who has cursed his mom(The Lady) before and called her a b**ch before and has been physical with her before. The lady put her son out but allows my daughter to stay with her. Don't know what's going on with this whole scene but it's still affecting me and my life.

    My husband started loudly ranting about he's not going thru this BS and how I needed to get her an apartment for 3-6 months and use the rest of the child support money to do so. My question to him was how was she going to pay rent after that if she is not going to work? He told me I needed to just give her the truck that she wrecked twice back to her so she could get to work. He told me he was tired of this and tired of worrying about her. I told him I'm not getting her or giving her nothing. The truck was a liability to me and I still have an unsettled claim (7 months old now) from one of her wrecks that I'm not sure insurance is going to completely cover. I told him I was looking for a shelter that I could take her to and that him yelling at me and barking what he thinks I should do was not helping. I told him all I needed from him was, how can I help or support in this situation. I then told him since he had all the answers, that he could find her a place and give her his car that he's not using. He told me, he'd give his car to his son but not her. I told him, I don't need his BS at this point and time and he was not helping me at all. I told him that I should not have answered the phone and I should just block her from calling period. He said no, don't do that she needs to be able to call me. The only supportive thing he said this morning was did he need to be here if the ex boyfriend decided he wanted to act up IF he dropped my daughter off. I told him to go to work. I told him she was not here and she would not be living here. He said to me, she's not back here YET.... Then he left for work.

    So I'm up now and this is how my morning started and I'm not sure how this is all going to play out. If she comes home this morning or today, I will be taking her somewhere. Where I don't know yet but she will NOT be staying at my home. I'm not getting her an apartment nor will she be getting the truck back. She doesn't have a bank account nor does she have ANY money saved to get an apartment, nor has she even applied to get one. I know all of this because I check her Twitter page where she broadcasts and lives her life out for public consumption. So I'm supposed to go out on a limb AGAIN for her? No sir! She found a surrogate mom in the lady she lives with. This lady is enabling her to stay in a state of limbo and not become a responsible adult. The only thing that lady has done on the positive side is to charge my daughter rent, takes her to work and allowed her to have shelter. Making her pay rent shows her how her life is going to be in the real world and that she has to work to make it. But even this set up with the lady is going to end at some point and my daughter is still going to have to sink or swim on her own at some point.

    I just got back from vacation and this is what I come home to. I feel like shouldn't have answered the phone this morning but when you get a call that early, you just never know if something bad has happened. She does need to leave that lady's house and get away from that nut job ex but coming here is not the answer either as just her calling is causing problems in my marriage.

    I need some help or ideas on what to do if she shows up. I've looked up some women's shelter options. I can call my brother to see if he can help as he's said he wanted to speak to her and possibly help. Any advice or ideas are welcomed--if she even shows up. I think this is all some stunt and game she is playing with her ex or just her TRYING TO GET BACK HERE, but I want to be ready with my plan IF she arrives today. I'm really feeling like I just need to block her number too and just be done with all the never ending drama with her.

    Way beyond Tired.
  2. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Dear Skool...so sorry...what a terrible way to wake up. Their drama never ends, does it? Maybe, if he's close and helpful your brother could come. I find that a second person to stand by you decreases the likelihood of a blowup. Does he live close enough to be "on-call"? I have spoken with son through window at times until his older brother could come to be with me. Phone in pocket, 911 on speed-dial, asking him right after "what are you doing here" "do I have to call police"? He got that I was not letting him in the house.
    The stress on a marriage is huge and understandable. So wrong that she puts you through this. Your life matters too. It's unfortunate but common that you and hubby are on a different page regarding how to deal with her and yet you both want the same thing---peace. Don't be too hard on yourselves, no one is making sense under this kind of stress.
    Could this new emergency just be between daughter and her ex? Maybe the lady (at 5am) doesn't even know the son said your daughter had to leave? You may not want her over there but it's world's better than on your doorstep. Totally her choice. From the outside, that lady looks to me to not be the worst option at all.
    My son has called/shown up here many times (including last night) needing to get out of town after fight with long-term, on again off again girlfriend. Always the same, "she's calling cops, I broke a window, TV, my hand, doorjamb, (fill in the blank)....she took my money, she's on something (he leaves out "I'm on something also") " What a way to live. Your comment, "but it's still affecting my life" is the crux of it all. Me too. I get upset by sad things on TV, so bring it to my doorstep, have it be a person I love so much, it's unbearable. But, it has to be bearable because we are NOT them. They are adults. They must fix it. You and I have now tried everything to no avail. Save yourselves, your marriage. It's all you can really do. My heart hurts for you today. let us know you're alright. Prayers.
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Boy, Im sorry. What s mess. My first bit of advice is to stay calm in spite of the storm. im learning that we can't think clearly when our mind is racing or our body is shaking. calm yourself before you act. There are options. Maybe tell your husband to leave it to you as he has been unhelpful. You dont need him yelling about this.

    First of all, hopefully daughter doesnt have a key. Lock your house good before you leave it. If possible make sure she doesn't get inside. Obviously , if she has a key, she can get in...lock up anything you think shee may take, if she is one who may steal.

    To lower your level of guilt, write down options, including addresses and phone numbers of nearby womans shelters and homeless shelters and food pantries and the department of human services so she knows where to go to get government services.

    Do not let her stay with you. once she resides there she could be hard to remove per tenant laws. If she wont leave today you may have to call the police. Yes,its horrible and hard. But it could be worse if she stays. You deserve a peaceful house. If she is over 18, parent or not, she is an adult and you dont have to take care of her anymore. And should not.

    Hand her your list. She then has resources/alternatives. It is up to her to use them. You have done all you can. Don't lose your marriage over this daughter. And actually I keep my phone off while I'm asleep. There is nothing I can do even if something happens in the middle of the night..I turn it on when I wake up

    I have work, but hoping you get more, better advice and am so sorry about this. Take deep breaths. There are solutions.bStand dtrong,blike you are...strong.
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2016
  4. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    SRTL, thanks for your response. It's now 8:32am and she hasn't shown up. Which leads me to believe this is a feud between her and her ex and she was trying to prove a point to him or who knows. They have broken up but she still wants to be with him thus the crux of a lot of her still not being responsible and being stuck with the lady and her ex. The lady seems to really want to help my daughter so I don't think she knows this latest development. I said something to her about that HE was putting her out of a house that wasn't HIS??? Doesn't make sense. IF she does come, I'm giving her a couple of options to choose and coming home to stay is NOT one of them. My brother lives not to far from me but he isn't going to come on a maybe she might show up and he has to work. My brother could be an option for her for help should he want to help. He did say he wanted to talk to her. I told him good luck.
  5. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    Thanks SWOT for your response. I really like the idea of giving her a few options and having them ready to give her IF she arrives to clearly let her know home is not an option. She doesn't have keys or knows any of the codes for the house, garage, or alarm. She can't come inside my home.

    I'm relatively calm. Calm came when my husband left. I've told my husband if he can't be supportive and ask how he can help, then just stay out of it and keep his negative comments to himself. I also told him if he thought he could do better or wanted to really help then find her an apartment and give her his old car.

    Letting her know she can go to multiple shelters or call her uncle or her so called friends and above all she needs to do whatever she can to keep her job. She is 21.

    After 9am and she's still a no show. Hoping that she doesn't come and this is just something between her and her ex and the lady will clear things up at HER HOUSE!

    Thanks for the tip about the phone and you are right. There's nothing I can do even she does call in the middle of the night. I'm going to turn my phone ringers off at night. I'll check for messages in the am. Hopefully there won't be any!

    Going back to bed. Thanks again.
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    Last edited: Jul 7, 2016
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I think you have a pretty good plan. Take her to a shelter, hopefully walking or bus distance to her job. Or see if your brother has any plans after he talks to her. You're doing the right thing I'm sure.

    This made no sense to me either. If the lady doesn't let HIM live there how does he have the ability to put your daughter out? Something smells a bit there.

    I'm so sorry...what a terrible start to the day.
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    You're right. What a way to wake up! Good grief if we don't all have heart attacks it will be a miracle.

    I'm so sorry for all this stress you have to endure. I think husbands try real hard but they get so darned frustrated too and it sometimes is not helpful. It is all so hard on a marriage.

    I can't blame you for not wanting to get pulled back into her drama. Enough already.

    Keep us posted.
  8. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    Will do RN0441! I have so much to do today and I'm tired from traveling all day yesterday and now this. I'm ok and I guess I need to just get up and start my day. thanks for your kind words.
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Skool Teacher, I'm so sorry for all of this. Boy they can really throw a bomb into our lives with one phone call, can't they? I remember those days so very well...

    I think you are getting good thinking here. I'm so glad you are committed to not letting her come there.

    Often, when they throw these types of bombs at us, we don't have time to really stop and think...and we just start reacting. That's never good.

    We get scared and confused and they use that to their advantage.

    I would get very clear in my own head about what I want. Even write it down. Keep it simple and you can always change your own mind.

    If you don't want her to come there, then that is an absolute. If she insists on coming there and refuses to leave, call the police. My son would get out of jail and walk the one mile from the jail to my house. Our jail lets them out at midnight so invariably he would be pounding on my door at 1:30 a.m. The last time I wrote him a postcard and said do not come here ever again in your life without a specific invitation. And if you do, I will call the police. I was at that point, Skool Teacher, where I was ready to do that and I mean it.

    Well, he came anyway, of course and I refused to open the door. I told him through the door, if you don't leave this front porch I will call the police. He pounded and pounded. It was awful. Finally he left. He never did that again.

    We have spent years teaching them we don't mean what we say. Now...it takes time and a lot of testing by them to see if we have changed. I don't know about you, but I have definitely changed.

    Also, having a list of resources makes you feel better, and whipping it out and handing it to her is something you can offer. I know that helped me. Once time I found a six page sheet of resources in his backpack, food, clothing, shelter, jobs, etc., you name it...and not one note had been written on it by him. He HAD the information, but he had no interest in using it. Well you know, seeing that piece of paper helped me. It helped me let go even more.

    We have to get to the point, for ourselves, that we stop reacting (as much as is humanly possible) to their drama. They feed off that. They love that attention, even that negative attention. Even today, as my son is two years of steady progress, I can feel him liking to dump his problems on me. It makes him feel better to tell his momma. And now, I might listen for a minute or two, but I don't "take it on" and I don't try to fix it. I say, breezily, well, I'm sure you'll figure it out, honey, hey I better go, I have one more thing to get done in the next 30 minutes for work. Talk to you later!

    I'm done in my life taking on the issues of other people, even my own precious son. He's almost 27 years old. Time for him to shoulder it.

    About your husband. I'm sure he is beyond frustrated. I know I had a type of PTSD by the time Difficult Child had "tortured" me for all of those years. Maybe you do, too. Maybe he does, too. This stuff is completely exhausting. It wears on you over the years. I'm sure that phone call from her stimulated his stress too.

    I think you did right---if he wants you to throw all of these things "at it"---and you rightly don't want to---you did the right thing---you said no, and if that's what YOU want to do, then fine. We can't control anybody but ourselves, and everybody reacts to DCs differently at different points in time. Let it go.

    I think you are making good progress here in keeping your head on straight. I'm sorry your daughter is having problems, but she's an adult now, and she is making choices. Choices have consequences. That is the only way we all learn, and that's to experience the consequences of our own choices.

    Hang in there! We're here batting for you!
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  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Ugh, ST. Definitely an "Is it Friday yet?" kind of morning. Good grief.

    I think all of your ideas are very good, as far as lists of shelters, talk with brother, etc. The important things, I think, are that she cannot get into the house if you are not there and that she understands she is not welcome at the house.

    I too am hoping it is all just some residual boyfriend drama. I sure do wish these difficult children would just stop with pulling us into their mayhem. Hoping your day goes very well and low-key.
  11. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    Thank you COM. I needed and receive what you said.
  12. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    Thanks Albatross. I appreciate your kind words. Have a good day yourself.
  13. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member


    I agree. Have a list of shelters available and hand it to her if she arrives. I might even offer to drive her to one, but I wouldn't let her in the house if you don't want her there.

    I would also tread lightly about getting your brother involved. I think with people like your daughter there is a lot of manipulation involved and I shudder to think of what she may tell your brother, or what types of manipulation she may use to get between you and your bother.

    The thing with the lady with whom she is living now is eventually, if she hasn't already, she will wear out her welcome. There is only so long that she can live there before her true colors start showing. For now she only knows what your daughter is telling her, and I am sure that she is giving her a VERY one-sided story. I am sure she is painting herself as the poor, pitiful, troubled soul with the mean mama.

    I agree, there is no way that I would rent her an apartment or give her a vehicle. The apartment would be a huge liability for you as the lease would have to be in your name, and even if you signed the truck over to her, I am not sure you could live with yourself if she killed herself or someone else driving it.

    Stay strong, keep your plan. She has been out of your house more than 30 days, so she has no rights to be there.
  14. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I'm so sorry your day started like this; I remember it all too clearly those days I had as well with my Difficult Child. It is true, about getting a type of PTSD from all the constant worry and drama. I know this happened to me and hubby and I had quite a few disagreements and marital upset regarding my Difficult Child.

    I think you have received good advice to have on hand a list of women shelters or places to go. Apartment and truck are a liability at this point. I do think they had a fight and he kicked her out. This is a wash, rinse and repeat scenario I feel with her and the ex. It won't stop until she breaks away and figures out a way to move on with her life and get self-supporting.

    She just may have to hit rock bottom and end up homeless before she figures out how to change her life. Best wishes.
  15. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    If she shows up call the cops and have her arrested. Do it enough times and she'll get the hint and stop coming around.

    I hope she gets into treatment so that your relationship with her can in time, be restored in a healthy way.
  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Skool, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    My husband and I had many heated discussions about my son. He was always wanting to give more chances or a few bucks.

    First, just step back and breathe. I would suggest not answering your phone. If someone has something important to say they can leave a message, that's what voicemail is for.

    As for your husband, here's what I did. I sat down with him and told him that I was done helping my son. I told him that I appreciated him wanting to continue helping my son but it would do no good and reminded him of all we had already done. I told him that because of my sons chaos it was driving a wedge between us and I was not going to allow him to destroy our marriage. I also told him that my sons constant state of chaos was causing severe stress and depression for me and that I could no longer live with it.

    I didn't have this site back then but if I did I think I would have my husband read some of the posts from other parents.

    I agree with whoever said to call the police if she does show up.

    I applaud you for standing your ground and telling her no that she cannot stay in your home. I truly believe she is trying to wear you down. If you start to feel weak think of all of us here surrounding you with our strength.

    Hang in there dear lady!!