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Went Too Far... Here we go AGAIN!
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 694094" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Skool Teacher, I'm so sorry for all of this. Boy they can really throw a bomb into our lives with one phone call, can't they? I remember those days so very well...</p><p></p><p>I think you are getting good thinking here. I'm so glad you are committed to not letting her come there.</p><p></p><p>Often, when they throw these types of bombs at us, we don't have time to really stop and think...and we just start reacting. That's never good.</p><p></p><p>We get scared and confused and they use that to their advantage.</p><p></p><p>I would get very clear in my own head about what I want. Even write it down. Keep it simple and you can always change your own mind. </p><p></p><p>If you don't want her to come there, then that is an absolute. If she insists on coming there and refuses to leave, call the police. My son would get out of jail and walk the one mile from the jail to my house. Our jail lets them out at midnight so invariably he would be pounding on my door at 1:30 a.m. The last time I wrote him a postcard and said do not come here ever again in your life without a specific invitation. And if you do, I will call the police. I was at that point, Skool Teacher, where I was ready to do that and I mean it. </p><p></p><p>Well, he came anyway, of course and I refused to open the door. I told him through the door, if you don't leave this front porch I will call the police. He pounded and pounded. It was awful. Finally he left. He never did that again. </p><p></p><p>We have spent years teaching them we don't mean what we say. Now...it takes time and a lot of testing by them to see if we have changed. I don't know about you, but I have definitely changed. </p><p></p><p>Also, having a list of resources makes you feel better, and whipping it out and handing it to her is something you can offer. I know that helped me. Once time I found a six page sheet of resources in his backpack, food, clothing, shelter, jobs, etc., you name it...and not one note had been written on it by him. He HAD the information, but he had no interest in using it. Well you know, seeing that piece of paper helped me. It helped me let go even more.</p><p></p><p>We have to get to the point, for ourselves, that we stop reacting (as much as is humanly possible) to their drama. They feed off that. They love that attention, even that negative attention. Even today, as my son is two years of steady progress, I can feel him liking to dump his problems on me. It makes him feel better to tell his momma. And now, I might listen for a minute or two, but I don't "take it on" and I don't try to fix it. I say, breezily, well, I'm sure you'll figure it out, honey, hey I better go, I have one more thing to get done in the next 30 minutes for work. Talk to you later! </p><p></p><p>I'm done in my life taking on the issues of other people, even my own precious son. He's almost 27 years old. Time for him to shoulder it.</p><p></p><p>About your husband. I'm sure he is beyond frustrated. I know I had a type of PTSD by the time Difficult Child had "tortured" me for all of those years. Maybe you do, too. Maybe he does, too. This stuff is completely exhausting. It wears on you over the years. I'm sure that phone call from her stimulated his stress too.</p><p></p><p>I think you did right---if he wants you to throw all of these things "at it"---and you rightly don't want to---you did the right thing---you said no, and if that's what YOU want to do, then fine. We can't control anybody but ourselves, and everybody reacts to DCs differently at different points in time. Let it go.</p><p></p><p>I think you are making good progress here in keeping your head on straight. I'm sorry your daughter is having problems, but she's an adult now, and she is making choices. Choices have consequences. That is the only way we all learn, and that's to experience the consequences of our own choices. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there! We're here batting for you!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 694094, member: 17542"] Skool Teacher, I'm so sorry for all of this. Boy they can really throw a bomb into our lives with one phone call, can't they? I remember those days so very well... I think you are getting good thinking here. I'm so glad you are committed to not letting her come there. Often, when they throw these types of bombs at us, we don't have time to really stop and think...and we just start reacting. That's never good. We get scared and confused and they use that to their advantage. I would get very clear in my own head about what I want. Even write it down. Keep it simple and you can always change your own mind. If you don't want her to come there, then that is an absolute. If she insists on coming there and refuses to leave, call the police. My son would get out of jail and walk the one mile from the jail to my house. Our jail lets them out at midnight so invariably he would be pounding on my door at 1:30 a.m. The last time I wrote him a postcard and said do not come here ever again in your life without a specific invitation. And if you do, I will call the police. I was at that point, Skool Teacher, where I was ready to do that and I mean it. Well, he came anyway, of course and I refused to open the door. I told him through the door, if you don't leave this front porch I will call the police. He pounded and pounded. It was awful. Finally he left. He never did that again. We have spent years teaching them we don't mean what we say. Now...it takes time and a lot of testing by them to see if we have changed. I don't know about you, but I have definitely changed. Also, having a list of resources makes you feel better, and whipping it out and handing it to her is something you can offer. I know that helped me. Once time I found a six page sheet of resources in his backpack, food, clothing, shelter, jobs, etc., you name it...and not one note had been written on it by him. He HAD the information, but he had no interest in using it. Well you know, seeing that piece of paper helped me. It helped me let go even more. We have to get to the point, for ourselves, that we stop reacting (as much as is humanly possible) to their drama. They feed off that. They love that attention, even that negative attention. Even today, as my son is two years of steady progress, I can feel him liking to dump his problems on me. It makes him feel better to tell his momma. And now, I might listen for a minute or two, but I don't "take it on" and I don't try to fix it. I say, breezily, well, I'm sure you'll figure it out, honey, hey I better go, I have one more thing to get done in the next 30 minutes for work. Talk to you later! I'm done in my life taking on the issues of other people, even my own precious son. He's almost 27 years old. Time for him to shoulder it. About your husband. I'm sure he is beyond frustrated. I know I had a type of PTSD by the time Difficult Child had "tortured" me for all of those years. Maybe you do, too. Maybe he does, too. This stuff is completely exhausting. It wears on you over the years. I'm sure that phone call from her stimulated his stress too. I think you did right---if he wants you to throw all of these things "at it"---and you rightly don't want to---you did the right thing---you said no, and if that's what YOU want to do, then fine. We can't control anybody but ourselves, and everybody reacts to DCs differently at different points in time. Let it go. I think you are making good progress here in keeping your head on straight. I'm sorry your daughter is having problems, but she's an adult now, and she is making choices. Choices have consequences. That is the only way we all learn, and that's to experience the consequences of our own choices. Hang in there! We're here batting for you! [/QUOTE]
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