We're falling apart...long

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KTMom91, Dec 7, 2009.

  1. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Lately things have been confrontational between me and Hubby. He's stressed because of his uncertain job situation, I know, and because Miss KT is a pain in the patootie, and he's back to being controlling, being "in charge," there's nearly constant conflict, and I don't even want to talk to him.

    When he's in "controlling" mode, he won't answer questions, just tells me "don't worry about it" or "it's taken care of." Trouble is, history has shown me this is not always the case. I also don't like being pushed aside, so I get angry. I also get angry when he says he'll do something and doesn't get to it. Since this "something" I've asked for help is something I can't do, I again feel pushed aside, and get angry. He keeps saying we need to use teamwork, but that'sonly when he wants to be part of a team. Otherwise, I'm just supposed to accept whatever.

    When we changed computers, I was told not to worry, because everything had been saved. OK, now I'm out of the business cards I need for substituting. Where were they saved? The old computer. I have no idea how to find it, so I ask. Five weeks ago. Still no cards. He comes to bed Friday night, leaving the Christmas tree lights on. I ask. "Don't worry about it." But yesterday was the worst of all. I tried to talk to him on the way to church. Mistake. After church, we went to Target to get cat litter. He wanted the stuff in the plastic bin, which costs a whole lot more. Since I'm supposed to be in charge of finances, I pointed out that it was silly to pay $12 for 35 pounds when we could get 50 pounds for $10. He told me the other was easier for daily scooping, but it doesn't get scooped daily...we both know this. On the way to the register, he starts up again with ease of use. I pushed the cart at him, told him to get what he wanted, and headed for the door. He headed for the car, I began walking in the direction of home. Once he caught up to me, we had a screaming fight in the parking lot, and nothing got resolved.

    If this was something new, I could understand it better, but I feel like he sees me as insignificant, my opinions as insignificant, that he's the man, the breadwinner, and has to be in charge, and since I only work part-time, that I don't count. I don't even know what to do anymore, since it seems whatever I do isn't right. He says it's just because I'm in "manager mode," but somebody has to be, or nothing gets done at all. This is an issue we've been dealing with off and on for ten years, it's just getting much much worse these days.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I think it's the whole Christmas-meets-bad-economy-meets-difficult children.

    HUGS - LOTS of them - I know a lot of people going through this same thing right now!!! me included.
  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Mary, what you just described sounds just like my son right now.

    I don't have any answers, but I do know with easy child, something isn't right. He's shutting down. And, for him, it has to do with the job thing - mainly.

    It sounds like he is stressed and overwhelmed, and not dealing with it well.

    I wish I had more to offer. They make it hard when they refuse to talk about it - or even admit something is up.

  4. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Gosh, what a situation. And all too common truly. I'm sorry you are so aggravated and sound like you are feeling dismissed.

    I've had sort of the opposite with my S/O. We haven't fought over it (thankfully) but I am having resentment. Since he was laid of in February, he's been different. He is not heading into the air force, but currently not on their list yet, so no pay through them. Instead, for the next few months, employment insurance gives him benefits and pays his tuiton until the air force takes over, at which point he'll get his full pay from the military even whilst finishing school.

    So he's contributing via his employment insurance. He is a hard worker, he is taking his lay off better than some men do, he is willing to AGAIN go back to school for a new career. 2nd time in 5 years we've been together. He is however not feeling plugged into finances. He doesn't see his employment insurance cheques as his income, his contribution. I've told him he's paid for decades into the insurance program, it is virtually a return of premiums paid from his own salary. He still doesn't see it that way. Since he began recieving the insurance payments, he has backed off feeling tuned in to our finances completely. I think for him it is too hard to face the feeling that he isn't the provider he felt like when he was working.

    He in no way criticizes anything to do with money. he takes only money for a coffee on the way to morning class, and that's about it. He leaves all other money for me to deal with. To pay and juggle bills, deal with groceries, personal needs, his child support payments etc. It is getting difficult to have lost my partner in our household. We used to make financial decisions together. He hasn't even shown any interest in helping figure out the kids christmas gifts, or how to divide money through december while juggling christmas with regular bills. He just smiles, hands over his cheque, doesn't even go deposit it to his bank account. He's simply given access to his account to me, hands over his pay, and basically gets his "allowance" on Mondays to pay his coffee at school for the week. I feel adrift, trying to balance it all without a partner to make the hard choices. I even began messing things up. My phone was turned off Friday, lack of payment. I just didn't even notice I hadn't been paying it. It is the same bill for my internet, oddly the internet is still turned on. I need a week for his next pay to come to pay it before it can be turned back on. It is my fault. I get that. but inside I'm frustrated that I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the decisions on my own, that I'd have actually let myself miss a entire bill company.

    I don't have answers or advice for you. But i do relate. I hope you two find a balance. (((hugs)))
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    If I may add my own interpretation to your story....your husband sounds a lot like mine when he is under extreme stress.

    It sounds like your husband has no answers right now. He is so stressed out--between money and his job and the holidays--things are probably too painful to really think about...much less do.

    And yet, there you are...asking him for all these pesky "answers"....which he doesn't have....so he can't give them to you....so he says "Don't worry about it"...which really means "I don't know and I don't feel like thinking about it so please stop asking".

    I'm sorry that you are feeling ignored and pushed aside--really who could blame you?

    Unfortunately, I think that things will not get better until your husband feels like he has the 'answers' again...

    Is there a way that you could "rephrase" some of your requests so as to elicit a different sort of response from him? Sometimes, I have to do that with my husband when I can see that he is just too stressed to really deal with what I need at the time.

    With the computer, for example, he may be assuming that you are accusing him of "losing" your files....you're not accusing him, of course....but he is assuming that you are "blaming" him for another problem. Maybe you could say, "Look I know you didn't lose the files, but I'm not sure where to find them. Would you help me?"

    If your husband is anything like mine--this approach may help some....


    Hope things get better soon!

  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sorry things are harder right now. Keep having the fantasy of the island getaway... warm beach and tropical drinks.
    Lots of Raouls to fetch things.
    Even if it doesn't fix things it might take your mind off of things for a moment. ;)
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Tis the season........and the tense job situation.......and difficult children......and the economy....and difficult children..........

    More those things than anything. Couples argue/fight. Fact o' life. But you add in that other stuff and things can go over the top in a heartbeat.

    I wonder if it might help if you and husband have a date night. Maybe just go out to dinner where you both like to eat and discuss calmly the way you both are feeling right now. He's worried. You're worried. And you're lashing out / in defense mode when you need to be working together so you both feel less worried.

  8. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    KTMom, I think DaisyFace hit the nail on the head. I was going to suggest something similar, but it's already been said.

    I'm sorry that husband is being such a poop. Stress and depression seem to manifest as irritability and snipishness in men. We cry, they get cranky. Not fun. Not fun at all.

    I think the CD island getaway is a great idea. Drinks, chocolate, cabana boys, Raoul, no difficult children or cranky DHs...sounds pretty good to me right now...

    Sending many hugs,
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I wanted to send my support......Actually I wanted to send my boots, but not sure you wanted them. If so just PM me. I'll send either with my hugs and love.

  10. Raoul

    Raoul New Member

    Mes Mary,

    Raoul é pesaroso que você é triste. I send love to meu querido and hope you be happy soon.

    You Raoul
  11. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator


    It's pretty passive-aggressive, isn't it? I've had to (not so) gently point out to husband in the past that he doesn't have a lot of control over the things that are bad in his life and that treating his wife poorly won't make things any better. He usually doesn't take that well initially, but he thinks about for a day or two and his attitude improves.
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    TM is right, Mary. Reading your post reminded me of my (now ex)husband. The more PA he would get, the more controlling I would get because SOMEONE needed to make a decision/move forward.

    I'm sorry. I remember the pain and it's awful. I hope you can get over the hump and break the pattern. Big hugs.


    PS- And I'm jealous- Raoul never posts to me. Enjoy! :)
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    We did have a date night last night, and things smoothed down somewhat. Miss KT and I took off on a road trip today, so she can tour a college in extreme Northern CA. I'm still rattled from the last three hours of driving. It was bad. Going home tomorrow, after touring, and hoping the route home will be better than the one here.