We're pressing charges against difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Jun 21, 2012.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    It's taken me a few days to get my brain and emotions and schedule together, what with-my dad dying, and my b-i-l dying, and one of easy child's college friend's committing suicide, and then reeling after the discovery of what difficult child has done.

    But as promised, here it is:
    Apparently difficult child's "friends," the ones I didn't like and whose parents are clueless (ie. the grandmother who didn't believe me when I told her that one of her grandkids was talking to the police and she insisted he was home in bed and I told her to do a bed check), they were all doing spice and weed.

    I knew that, but I thought it was only once or twice and that after difficult child told us 2 mo's ago, he chose not to do it any more, besides which, I only allowed him to spend 1 hr with-them, once a wk, and I personally walked him to the door to make sure that someone was home, and personally took him to the park and then sat and did my makeup so all the kids could see me.
    Well, dummy me. Kids are sneakier than I think.
    I cannot believe that I actually drove difficult child to these spots, and then was critical of the parents who didn't know where their kids were. I knew exactly where difficult child was. I'm just shaking my head.

    Turns out that one of the kids, M, takes money and jewelry and gives it to his mom. Or, he just takes jewelry and she gives him money. There is another teen involved who is older and I have never met him, so I think he's the actual dealer.
    The mom is the pawn person.

    Sometime in the past two wks (I honestly don't recall which day it was because I was still out of it, having flown out of state to do hospice with-my dad), difficult child took ALL of my rings and gave 2 to his girlfriends, and the rest to M's mom. He just opened the little drawer in my jewerly box that had all my rings, and grabbed every last one. Luckily, I was wearing my wedding ring.
    We didn't find out until after 10 days, which is the amt of time the pawn shop held the items and then passed them to the next dealer.
    It took us hours and days to get the info from difficult child, which really worried us. Did he truly forget what he had done because he was high? Or was he stringing us along? Did he tell the police the same thing he told us?

    husband, against the police admonitions, drove to the pawn shop to see if he could recover anything. Turns out he knows the owner, from the gym.
    The owner immediately recognized the description of two of the rings--a nice pearl from Hawaii that was worth several thousand, and an antique from my grandmother, who got it from her mother.
    He said M's mother has been a regular customer since 1980. She's on camera and he has all the paperwork.
    So it looks like maybe these lemons will give us lemonade if we can get her and the dealer thrown in jail, because this has been going on for a long time.

    You know the story of Oliver, how the guy sends out the kids to do his bidding? That's what this woman does.

    So, difficult child got under $200 for the rings, which were worth over $6,000. Yes, they're insured, but we're not going to do anything with-insurance until we find out if the judge wants us to seek restitution from the woman (I'd love to put a lien on her house).
    difficult child used the money for a little bit of pot, and the majority to buy Microsoft gaming points. (Why am I not surprised?)

    Since he has been off of pot and Abilify (what a horrid combination!!!) his demeanor is much more normal, considering that he's never really had a normal temperament. But he's not snarling at every little glance or touch, which is a relief. And his eyes are not bloodshot. And he no longer has sinus issues or headaches. And he is back to actually doing chores every day.

    Unfortunately, even after I screamed my head off at him (think--The Bodysnatchers, where the aliens point at the humans and just scream), and after the police came to the house, and after we took difficult child to the station where he gave the detective all the names, ph numbers and addresses, difficult child STILL doesn't get how much trouble he's in. He still says, "Can I get a new hoodie? Can you make me cookies?"

    And he's not really deeply upset that he took MY personal things and sold them, but he was hysterical and crying when we told him he had to get back the rings he gave to his girlfriends.
    I read that Aspies can be impulsive that way and gives things away ... but the lack of feeling for me scares the ^**$$p out of me.

    Our therapist is concerned that difficult child is moving onto antisocial behavior. It's not just the lack of boundaries, it's the lack of true remorse and lack of understand as to why we want him to trial lithium, go into a psychiatric hospital, and spend time in juvie.

    Oh, that's the other thing. I am VERY disappointed with-the police dept. It seems that being nice, good parents is working against us. Juvie is packed to the gills, and difficult child is not a danger to society, so no handcuffs, no loud, scary lectures, nada. Just nice conversations with-questions and answers. And an apology letter, as though difficult child is a 6-yr-old. Oh. Come. ON.
    I really, really think they missed the window of opportunity to scare the pants off of difficult child.

    The detective is out of town, and won't be able to secure a court date until at least the 29th of June. He said it looked like we wouldn't go until mid-July. Great. Do I cancel difficult child's camps? Does he go to juvie one night and then to camp? Do I just kill him and hide the body?
    And my b-i-l's celebration of life is July 13. All at the same time.

    I am hanging in limbo.

    I am making an appointment with-the therapist do to psychiatric personality testing on difficult child next wk. He's old enough now that the test results should be relatively accurate. And I have called several RTCs to see if difficult child qualifies for their stays, but boy, are they expensive! In the tens and hundreds of thousands of dollars.
    They said if we self-pay for the first month, we can apply for a single household Medicaid plan for difficult child after that. We'll see.
    So now you see why the therapist mentioned that difficult child may be exhibiting CD and sociopath behaviors.

    Right now I feel as if I am losing my son, bit by bit, just like I lost my dad to Alzheimer's. It's a steady decline, no matter what we do.

    We have to yank him back hard and fast but even the police aren't really cooperating. We're just another piece of paper. I realize that difficult child is not a mass murderer, but how do they think people get that way? It doesn't happen overnight!

    by the way, I highly doubt that difficult child's bmom did drugs or alcohol. I think she and her mother are Aspie. I think that her dad (her parents are divorced) is narcissistic and possibly antisocial (clinically) and that a lot of this is genetic. We also met the biodad and he is very nice and polite, but his MO is to have everything handed to him (military and private biz) and start out as the Wonder Boy, only to fall and fail in the ensuing wks and mo's, failing to complete sales calls, oversleeping and smoking weed.
    The rest of the family is very nice and they don't seem to have problems with-accountability or maturity. Looks like difficult child got the worst of everything genetically.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    P.S. I do NOT want difficult child going to the local public HS. Thousands of kids ... thousands of crummy opportunities. I'm thinking that if ins doesn't pay for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), Utah in the mtns looks pretty good. Not that that's so cheap, either. But he's just not going to the local HS. Period.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Terry, honey - HUGS. LOTS of them. This is sounding familiar to me, especially the bit about the cops & juvie. We actually had a cop once tell us, "they just about have to commit murder to get them in..." It took husband refusing to bring her home and a lot of serendipitous things to get Onyxx into the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)... And honestly I think she just learned to hide things better. I really do.

    I don't know what to tell you, but I do know I understand and I'm here to vent to...
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well, you got it out there, and wow it is a lot of stress Terry. I'm so sorry the police didn't respond as recommended by you, husband and the therapist. I'd just go ahead with the camp plans and maybe check with them about emergency cancellations just in case. You need the break from him.

    Will be interesting to see what the personality testing says...are those standardized on people with special needs like Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)? I am not familiar with them. I hope you are able to get him into a place that wont cost you your life savings and can help him learn better boundaries and impulse control. You are doing well Terry, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. This really is one of those situations where you can only do so much and you will need to accept what you can not change as the prayer says. I'm here for you as we all are. I know you love him dearly and want better for him than this. I pray you will get some answers and he will learn from this.
  5. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I'm sorry Terry. This has to be soooooo hard. How are you taking care of YOU? I'm glad you're having difficult child re-evaluated. From the sounds of it, you're right, there is a LOT going on with him beyond the Aspie.

    As for the cops, I have the opposite problem. They wanted to throw the book at difficult child 1 because of a severe medication reaction. Maybe you should send half of yours here and I'll send half of mine there. That way it will hopefully even out. LOL
  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I have no advice, just plenty of sympathy and *hugs*
  7. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this (all at the same time no less). I don't have any good advice but sending supportive ((hugs)) and good juju for you.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive hugs your way. We have "kinda" been there done that and understand. Where we live the police prefer to send juvies off to state institutions (penal not MH or SA, of coure). The Court system vary so from area to area...sigh. If you are going to start the search for residential placement be very careful. Alot of us have made choices that turned out not to be appropriate even though the indications were positive. Fingers crossed that all goes well. DDD
  9. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Terry, you do everything that is humanly possible to turn things around and that's all anyone can do. Somethings are just out of your control (court date, police reaction, difficult child's response, etc). Lots of hugs and positive vibes going your way.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The cops here did nothing when Sonic was caught driving without a license, which I thought was pretty serious since he could have killed somebody. I wanted them to take him in, but they just kind of said it wasn't a big deal...lots of kids did it.

    I am still wondering how "Aspie" your difficult child is. Although I only know some Aspies, certainly not all of them by a longshot, none of them had a girlfriend, let alone two. None even seemed to want one...they were so far behind the other kids socially. I also know that I don't know them all, but the ones I knew again were not at all interested in drugs or drinking. Who said he was an Aspie? He seems WAY too high functioning because he really does do the stuff other kids his age do (although not always in a positive way). What do YOU think?

    The lack of remorse is scary. I hope you can find a good place for your son where he can get a lot of help. Teenagers can really roll out of control...been there done that!
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.

    difficult child was diagnosis'ed Aspie a few yrs ago by a local psychologist who specialized in spectrum disorders, and in particular, telling the diff between Asperger's and bipolar.

    difficult child has always been uninterested in what other kids do, so Aspie seemed to fit him for that reason, plus a few developmental delays. He has caught up with-everything and has excelled in a few, too.
    When he was little, we'd go to a birthday party and he'd leave the room and play the piano, or run upstairs and snoop in the bedrooms. I would sit him down with-the group and he'd squirm away and go back to the piano or the radio or computer. Alone.
    In baseball, or any sport, he'd stand alone when they'd have group huddles or whatever, and I'd have to take the coaches aside and tell them to incl difficult child because he won't join a group on his own.

    All of the "friends" he's ever had sought him out. He won't even say hello unless someone else says it first. He glances at people for a second and then looks down. At home and with-our extended family, he's got excellent eye contact.

    Also when he was little, he was extremely clingy and loved being held extremely tightly, to the point where I was afraid I'd break one of his ribs.

    He also has serious issues with-wheat/gluten and I had him tested for celiac. He was low on iron for a cpl yrs and we gave him supplements, but once we changed his diet to mostly gluten-free, the iron issue went away. He has had a kazillion ear infections.

    He also had one foot that turns in slightly (he said that bothers him in football, but not so much in baseball and swimming) and he has glaucoma.

    I looked up the tests and we can definitely have difficult child tested in the next few wks for the MMPI-A, and possibly one or more Aspie tests. I also want more testing for abnormal psychiatric.
    I just spoke to the psychiatrist on the phone and we are mting next wk, and will put difficult child on a very low dose of lithium. He has spoken to the therapist at length about difficult child's history, and his recent law breaking escapades. The psychiatrist said that there's really no way to get him into the psychiatric ward unless he threatens suicide. The insurance companies just won't hear of it.

    by the way, in regard to the other thread and sociopaths, I didn't mean to say that my difficult child was a potential murderer, just that I am alarmed and almost despairing about his inability to "get it" in regard to the seriousness of his offenses. The media have done a near-perfect job of ruining the definition of the illness, using only 1% of the 1% who are bona fide sociopaths to define the rest of those who have it. And, it is a spectrum disorder, too.

    Still, if it ends up that way, I will be devastated.
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2012
  12. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    terry i'm so sorry for all of it--it sounds so overwhelming.

    i cant offer up much advice, but i wanted to mention about the self medicaid thing...unless things have changed, the child needs to be out of the house for a full calendar month before eligibility kicks in....meaning, you dont want to admit him on the 2nd of july, you want it done on the last day or two of june to cya. (just an example).

    not that you dont have a gagillion things on your plate, but be sure to ask the question of whomever you spoke to at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as to what the optimal admit time is....i'd hate to see you get stuck paying an extra month because he started on the wrong day.

    (i know its not a firm plan, but i just wanted to be sure to point it out, in case).

  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ok, thank you.
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Terry... I don't know what thread it was on recently - I think it was Hound Dog's thread about her grandson - but we were talking about the effects of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), and how that even minor oxygen deprivation during birth can have longterm subtle effects. Just wanted to toss this "out there" when you're talking to the therapist, psychiatrist and whoever else, just in case it might be another factor. I know that when difficult child was born, it wasn't considered a big deal, and wasn't expected to have any long-term effect, but I believe there is new evidence out there.
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    we have copies of the birth records and it was recorded as a normal birth. difficult child was born with only two pushes, (vs my being in labor for 13 hrs with-easy child and about 3 hrs of pushing) and his apgar rating was all 9s and 10s.
    There is no record of trauma or oxygen deprivation ... wouldn't that have been recorded?
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    No record on difficult child's birth, either. But... they DID put the oxygen monitor on... and it dipped enough that they really hurried things along. Nothing "major", and NOT documented at all, because "it wasn't an issue, it never got too low"... but it seems to be the last few years that more is coming to the surface about these things.

    Why I asked about it? That slightly turned-in foot... could be the mildest of mild CP... which is often caused by Oxygen deprivation during labour/birth.
  18. MWM - I can't believe the cops said that Sonic driving without a license was no big deal. Last year some local kids stole a mothers van, got pulled over by the police and dragged the police officer to his death - the 15 year old driver is now a quadriplegic. Sad and very serious.

    Insane - Very astute observation about the possibility of CP. Something I'd never have thought of.

    Terry - I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I have absolutely no advice, unfortunately. Just sympathy and some hugs to go with it. I'm taking extra magnesium because much like you I am feeling like things are piling up on me (taking care of husband's aging parents, dealing with easy child's school and her Learning Disability (LD) stuff, and of course difficult child). I just started tonight because I have been shaky all day and borderline hyperventilating as well. Think I'm on the verge of a panic attack - but I do feel like the magnesium has helped settle me down a bit - I'm breathing better now. Thought it couldn't hurt to share what is helping me cope since I don't have anything else to offer you.

    You have my sympathy for everything that you are dealing with right now and the loss of your brother in law and your dad on top of that. :(
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First offenses will most likely get a slap on the wrist. You will get more satisfaction if you make sure this is handled as a felony because of the fact of the amount of money the jewelry was worth. Dont let them plea this down because he is talking.

    If no one else can help you make his life hell, you can. Take away everything from him except a mattress, a couple of changes of clothes you buy at Goodwill, the nastiest food he can eat, and the bare minimum care you are obligated to give him. Why should he not go to the local HS? If he gets in trouble there, so be it. He would have no access to anything electronic in his life unless he happens to have the privilege of sitting in the living room with you and husband to watch tv. No computers, no cell phones. Go to a thrift store and invest in an old fashioned set of encyclopedia's. If the info is a bit out of date, so sorry.

    Terry he knows right from wrong. He does. He is choosing to do these things. If he does anymore damage to your house, continue to call the cops, they will get tired of hearing from you and finally do something about it. If worse comes to worse, ask about filing a CHINS on him. He would never be away from my side again. We had to do this with Cory. Someone was always with him. Of course that means you and your husband are going to have to work together on this. It takes both parents to be on the same page. Your son needs a strong physical male figure in the home who will tell him in no uncertain terms that he will not treat you this way. That if he so much as lays a finger on you he will regret it for the rest of his life. Cory was always a bit afraid that if Tony didnt kill him, one of his brother's would.
  20. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    (((Terry))) you have so much on your plate, I'm sorry for all of it.

    Sending hugs and prayers for a good outcome.