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Were you a difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="karisma" data-source="post: 690889" data-attributes="member: 20391"><p>Yes I was. I am a mentally ill substance abuser who specialized in acting like I was normal to secure good jobs and blend with the normies, leading a double life of career woman by day, party animal by night. I had many emotional problems as a teen and was always out partying after work. But I managed to go to college for 6 years and stay basically straight for a total of 9 years before returning to the using life.</p><p>When I was 24, i suddenly couldn't sleep for 3 weeks. I would fall asleep but less than one minute later I would wake in a state of such desperate despair, as if my baby had been snatched away from me by a band of murderers. At least that's how I describe the feeling of anxious despair. I finally went to a psychiatrist, and I was getting a B.S. in psychology at the time so I knew this was not right or normal. </p><p>This was shortly after my son's diagnosis. Life was hard. His behavior was just unreal. </p><p>Anyhow I was on anti depressants for 3 years with some success. I eventually lost my mind kinda after my daughter was born and I realized my son and daughter would not be raised together. He was mean to her and when I told his thetapist, they started a CPS case. I was cleared of wrong doing but advised by play therapist to put son in foster care and focus on healthy child. I could not do this. Would never consider it. Daughter raised by dad and I kept son who was not his son.</p><p>I got on drugs. I used for many years to numb the pain. I had great jobs, suffered all we suffer with our ill children growing up and hid my drug use from all. I found N.A. very early on and attended for the last 18 years. A chronic relapser. No one can tell if I'm high so I chaired meetings and attended for years while using. Every year or so I would come clean with the group and tell them I had been using and get a white key tag. I had a year clean once.</p><p>Sadly, I paid a very high price on many fronts. Worse, I am irreversibly brain damaged now and my dopamine cells are dead. I am still very intelligent and competent but I'm convicted of drug felonies and the field I worked in is not tolerant of this. I put my mother through hell.</p><p>I relate to my son. We grew up together in a sense. Or perhaps neither of us has grown up really. I live with friends from my N.A. group. I struggle with severe depression and occasional relapses that I rarely tell anyone about aanymore, except my psychiatric doctors. People who know me have kind of just accepted me somehow the way I am. </p><p>I am a basket case inside and functioning at the same level gets harder with each passing year. I get farther and farther behind the 8 ball, so to speak. </p><p>My son has been crying all day on the patio. today I get to be present in his life if only to let him know he is loved and understood. Its all I Can give today and it's enough</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="karisma, post: 690889, member: 20391"] Yes I was. I am a mentally ill substance abuser who specialized in acting like I was normal to secure good jobs and blend with the normies, leading a double life of career woman by day, party animal by night. I had many emotional problems as a teen and was always out partying after work. But I managed to go to college for 6 years and stay basically straight for a total of 9 years before returning to the using life. When I was 24, i suddenly couldn't sleep for 3 weeks. I would fall asleep but less than one minute later I would wake in a state of such desperate despair, as if my baby had been snatched away from me by a band of murderers. At least that's how I describe the feeling of anxious despair. I finally went to a psychiatrist, and I was getting a B.S. in psychology at the time so I knew this was not right or normal. This was shortly after my son's diagnosis. Life was hard. His behavior was just unreal. Anyhow I was on anti depressants for 3 years with some success. I eventually lost my mind kinda after my daughter was born and I realized my son and daughter would not be raised together. He was mean to her and when I told his thetapist, they started a CPS case. I was cleared of wrong doing but advised by play therapist to put son in foster care and focus on healthy child. I could not do this. Would never consider it. Daughter raised by dad and I kept son who was not his son. I got on drugs. I used for many years to numb the pain. I had great jobs, suffered all we suffer with our ill children growing up and hid my drug use from all. I found N.A. very early on and attended for the last 18 years. A chronic relapser. No one can tell if I'm high so I chaired meetings and attended for years while using. Every year or so I would come clean with the group and tell them I had been using and get a white key tag. I had a year clean once. Sadly, I paid a very high price on many fronts. Worse, I am irreversibly brain damaged now and my dopamine cells are dead. I am still very intelligent and competent but I'm convicted of drug felonies and the field I worked in is not tolerant of this. I put my mother through hell. I relate to my son. We grew up together in a sense. Or perhaps neither of us has grown up really. I live with friends from my N.A. group. I struggle with severe depression and occasional relapses that I rarely tell anyone about aanymore, except my psychiatric doctors. People who know me have kind of just accepted me somehow the way I am. I am a basket case inside and functioning at the same level gets harder with each passing year. I get farther and farther behind the 8 ball, so to speak. My son has been crying all day on the patio. today I get to be present in his life if only to let him know he is loved and understood. Its all I Can give today and it's enough [/QUOTE]
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