Were you depressed ? + pregnant years ago? Discussion.

[hearts and roses]

Hmmm, I wasn't happy in my marriage and I knew that it was just a matter of time before I would be alone with two children. I would not say that I was depressed, but we did go through a lot of heartache and trials (car was repossessed, I was housebound, reliant on friends, had no family for support nearby, no real intimacy in my marriage, hit up the church for food, felt trapped). on the other hand, I was thrilled to death with easy child as a toddler and had fun with her. My pregnancy with difficult child was smooth and easy up until the end, when she wouldn't turn and instead of having her at home with a midwife and had her under general anesthesia in the hospital by c-section. So, afterwards, I did go through a hard time with depression.

It's difficult to admit this, but I can now say that for the first 2 months or so, I resented difficult child - I equated her birth with a failure and with her being difficult for not turning so could go with my birth plan. All she did was cry for the first 3 months - she didn't like me, but needed my breasts to survive - lol!

Difficult to say for sure, but yeah, it could be related. Does it matter, really? Not to me anymore. But I can see it being an interesting study.

 

[hearts and roses]

let us not forget that, throughout history, women have been hunted, raped, enslaved, sold, besieged and fearful for their life. So how come there are some humans without psychological problems? Did every pregnant female survivor of the wwii concentration camps produce a mentally damaged child? How do you go through a horror such as that and not be depressed?

Here they go again, blaming the mother.

excellent points!

 

['Chelle]

Nope...not for a moment. We'd tried for over 10 years to have a baby, so I was probably the total opposite of depressed. Hmmmmmmm maybe I was too happy?

 

[Mom2oddson]

I only had one birth, my difficult child's are Steps. I've always suffered with depression. Was diagnosed with moderate/severe depression when I was 6. I was in a bad marriage...verbally abusive guy. Heck, my Pitbull hit behind the couch when Ex went off and often signaled that there was room for me if I wanted to hide with him. Ex left three weeks before easy child was born. I was alone and scared. While I was at work, heard that one of Ex's druggie friends had shown up to our place with a gun looking for money. So, I was depressed, stressed, anxious, scared, worried and the like. Yet, I had a easy child.

With husband being gone and having a lot of alone time, I've had time to reflect on my life. I think each of us are wired the way we are. And that wiring has a lot to do with how we handle or perceive what we go through. I know that I was wired with depression. And because of it, I've perceived things on a gloomy side. Like people really didn't like me or care if I was around or want to be around me. Yet, as I look back, I can see that it was my view and not the truth. Does that make any sense?

 

[Star*]

Mom2oddson -

First I'm glad you're here. 2nd? I spent my ENTIRE childhood, teen years and a lot of my adult life worrying about if people didn't like me, or if I was around people didn't want me around. In my case? I was right. (lol) I had a hard time fitting in most of my life. (can you believe that? HUH) I mean I was an ugly duckling, I had strict parents, and I liked the underdog crowd. Then I got married to a family that absolutely hated me. I didn't fit there either, and top that off with spousal abuse, and a child that seems to hate me? It's like - (insert word that even Orbit wouldn't clean up) come on when do you finally fit? Eventually somewhere along the way I lost the ugly duckling thing, figured out I liked being alone, but not lonely and found a place where I truly did not care what people thought. I got into therapy, and the last 10 years of my life I've spent figuring out I'm not so bad after all. I do have something to offer, we all do. Not just me - all of us. You learn something from everyone you meet. Most of us just don't take the time to listen or have the patience to wait and hear what it is we're supposed to learn from someone else. We're human - we get so busy in me world - it's hard to take time and figure out - YOU world. So to answer your question - yes, you make perfect sense. And I'm sure in your case you were liked by someone....because years later and I'm talking 25 or more I STILL get people that when I'm home come up to me and hug me out of the blue and say the nicest things about how I was always such a nice person to them. - I was nice to everyone - but never felt it back. THAT's when it hit me ---there were MORE of us - than there were of them. We just didn't know how to connect without getting persecuted. But we grew up to be quite lovely people with compassion, understanding and pretty observant - and really tolerant (to a point) kind of people.

That's the trade off. I think it's a good one. You have a lot of depth - you should share it more often.
Hugs & Love
Star

 

[Mom2oddson]

Thanks Star!

You don't know how much I needed that today!!! With husband and the kids all being gone, it's been hard. I am alone a lot. The few very good friends I have are so busy that there is no time for any get togethers with me. I get the "I'll call you as soon as I have free time" but there is never any free time. And I've called several times to see if they have any free days. Then the same goes with more casual other friends, I never seem to get that call back of "Yes, I'm free, let's do something".

I do have my folks, I am always welcomed to be with them and they are great. But they are still my parents. They will always love me. Heck, I love difficult child-S even though I don't like her right now. And easy child calls me quite often, but again, it's that "tie that binds" thing.

Right now, there seems to be this "glaring hole" in my life. All my friends and husband's huge family all know I've been alone since November, but not one has called to see how I'm doing or invited me over. I've gone by to see them and they are always friendly and glad to see me, but never reach out to me. Same thing goes for my church family...not one person has reached out to me. I seem to be suck reaching out to people and even then, seem to be left holding nothing.

I know there is some cosmic reason (or lesson) for me being at this point in my life. And my therapist is going to have her hands full at our next meeting.... And I am a very strong person and will survive this too.

I just needed to let you know that your "I'm glad you are here" made MY DAY!! Thank you!

 

[Star*]

Ahhhhhh, (nods head) If I shared a day in my life with you? You'd probably go WOW...get a life Star. lol. I get up - I go to work. I come home, I now clip coupons, I may talk to a few people here on line, or get an occasional call, I eat supper, play with my furkids, do laundry, clean occasionally - all though after therapy the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is gone way down to the point of - well it's not quite like a hoarders home, but let's just say I got my monies worth. (raises eyebrows) I don't have a church family because every one I've ever had? Stabbed me in the back. I'm still very much a person of faith however just not going to do it with people that are nice from 8:30 AM Sunday morning to 12:00 PM Sunday afternoon and then when you're down on your luck? Don't know you exist,drop out of the church, don't come by to see you ever and eight years later STILL send you their requests for money, money, money. I'm simply amazed. I send it back every time signed - No thank you I still don't need any help, and add a smiley face.

As far as family? I have a Mom. I have a sister and a niece, but even when you're with them? You're not. So why pretend? The rest of the 'so called' family I told off at my Grandmother's funeral for being self-absorbed, childish (at twice my age then) and as usual before G'ma was out of the funeral home trying to figure out how they could get into my Mother's house where G'ma had lived for the last 24 years (of which they may have visited 5 times when promising scads) to get ALL of the things she didn't have living on SSI. No love loss there. With regards to friends? I'll refer to the same kinds of people I've met at the church -with the exception of the people I've met here. So that leaves DF, my furkids, and Dude, who's just SO much fun at present. 20 year old boys with girls on their minds make poor shopping buddies.

So ......I'm alone. No one (here) calls me and says HEY lets go to lunch, or shopping, or movie. Ever. Twelve years....and nada. I tried, I reached out - and every time? I get my heart broke, my hand smacked, myself righted in my mind. So I spend my time pursuing things that make ME happy. If I didn't work? I'd find classes and learn things. I'd volunteer my time more somewhere on MY terms. It wouldn't necessarily be to go out and make buddies.....but I love to learn. I enjoy teaching what I know too....you just have to find what you enjoy and turn it into something that you can make money from or that helps someone, or that brings you even more pleasure to do.

I stopped a long time ago trying to figure out what it was about ME that everyone didn't like. I can't fix them....if it IS something that they didn't like. But I figure out about me, and be the best ME I can be. That's something I have control over. Them? No control over. Me? All the control in the world over. What they do, when they come, where they go, how often they invite? No control. ME? Where I go, what I do, what I learn, how interesting I become, what I learn, how happy I allow myself to be, how much sadness I shed? I can control that. Then you think - WHO wants to be around someone that is like Eeyore every day? (Except for Winnie the Pooh and well, you know he's full of stuffing and honey) and really? No one. So being cheery is a choice.

Find things you're happy about every minute. It's hard....especially when you're trying to figure out why you're alone or what cosmic thing in the universe is having the WWF smackdown in your life to show you MARCH 2010: THIS IS THE MONTH OF HUMILITY - I think like that too.
The entire lesson of life is - learn every minute of every day how to be the best person you can possibly be so that when you show your face to the world and they see you? You are a reflection of things they will desire to be because your enthusiasm is contagious. It's a great gift.

I think once you're like that? If you WANT to have people to go out with and be with? They'll just automatically be there - the right ones too. You also have to consider this on the opposite side of the coin. The people that you are thinking can't go out with you? May have bigger problems than you think and like to keep things pretty close because sharing isn't an option. While you've had to share a lot of your personal life because of having a difficult child? They haven't and are still in that realm of "talking about problems is TABU." SO take that into consideration. A lot of women too consider that lunch or dinner with someone are 'information gathering' sessions and not just a luncheon. So their radars are up almost immediately. My Mom is like that. So if you were to send a cute little card with a hand written note inside to someone that said "Just lunch - me and you - NO TALKING about family, kids, work." - Lets just have a burger and chat about the weather today. Maybe you'd get an invite - or at least a ?? phone call. Then you could say "People always think a lunch is a catch up session - I just want to have a nice lunch, with a friend, and not talk about anything but lipstick and fashion." - I've done that with an acquaintance and got the call back and she was just gobsmacked....laughed and said "Well okay if we're not talking about kids or the old man - FINE." and we didn't. It was a nice lunch. Nicest she had in years she said. She almost talked about her son - I told my spoon and tapped her glass...shook my head. That was the end of that.

So whenever you do get to your therapist....tell her you are the happiest person you know and working on it. YOU CAN DO IT.
Then figure out what you're going to do to take up your time....WHen you become the most interesting person you know - everyone else will just flock to you...either that or you'll just go off and teach and have people around you all the time.

Interesting thought not?

Personally? I figured out I'm okay being alone. I just don't like to be lonely. But I LOVE wearing earplugs in Walmart.

 

[judi]

Interesting thought - I was stressed working full time with an impending move from Spain to the states and hubby leaving for a one year deployment six weeks after he was born but I wasn't depressed.