What a day already...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Dec 12, 2008.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I went to bed around 10:00 or so which is earlier than I've been going. difficult child came in my room around 1:00am to get one of the dogs. (He was asleep when I went to bed.) It woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep until almost 5:00.

    Then, I overslept- I wouldn't have worried much about it because let's face it, difficult child has not been going to school. But, here comes difficult child at 9:00 saying I need to get up and take him to school. I got up, had a couple cups of coffee while he was getting ready and the phone rings. It was the coordinator who oversees the local community "team".

    She was very informative and I explained why I didn't want to use the mental health or Department of Juvenile Justice/PO route to get help. I asked if there was any option to get help other than this community team and she said not that she knew of but I could ask the school.

    If I pursue the team help, it would start off with an informal brainstorming session where people from different agencies threw out their ideas of assistance they could provide. At this point and being that it isn't court ordered, I could think about them and decide myself what to accept or not. If I accept anything, there will be a copay required from me. She didn't say it directly, but it sounded like if I accept help, then that agency or the cm could put requirements on us then.

    She said that whoever made the referral would be the case manager on the team and the cm leads the team and is the one in charge of it. So, if I went thru mental health, the cm would be the county mental health rep and I would have to change difficult child's providers to the county providers (I had already been told that). She said the school could only refer difficult child and be the cm if it became a truancy issue. Well, I think we could go that route now, but if he's listed as being truant, I tend to think that will make PO take over the whole thing anyway because that would be a violation of his probation.

    She suggested that I go thru the PO and get her to refer it. She said that makes the PO the cm. I was just saying "oh, no, no, no..." (I cringe at the thought of some 20-something who apparently thinks mental health problems are really a lack of self-control and who thinks she's an expert on child-rearing because she married someone who brought 3 young ones to the marriage- not to mention that she thinks I know nothing and it is her job and obligation to teach me and she feels the need to verify every word I tell her because I might be lieing and she criticizes me for being too lenient then criticizes me for being over-protective then criticizes me for not being accountable for what difficult child does, etc) and THAT'S WHO WOULD BE IN CHARGE OF THE TEAM???? NO, NO, NO.

    I asked the lady what the team does when families need to put the child in placement outside the home temporarily. She said they rarely do that and it is only in extreme circumstances- where the child is classified as violent and is a danger. I said that's when I take him to ER but he only stays a week. She said correct, but then if he needed more than a week, that is when they look at residential placement. I asked about temporary foster care. She said that was only used when the kid was removed from home for abuse or neglect by parents and she could tell that this was not our situation. (I jokingly said "not yet") Then I asked what happens when a family reached financial devastation and needed to place the child temporarily to have time to get back on their feet. She said they do not place them in those situations but they might look at having the kid stay with a family member a while (GULP). She said it's just a bad situation and sometimes they will look to get help from other outside, private community places for the family. But, that's it.

    She suggested again just talking to the PO because she said it would more than likely end up being her as the cm. I asked about crisis situations and she said the PO could get MST services. I said we been there done that and whether or not it is all MST people or just that guy- he didn't want to do anything but take over everything in difficult child's life and put us on a behavior contract., and I asked for a re-hearing and got the judge to get rid of it. She then said well, maybe the school can think of something else.

    So, after that long conversation, I got myself ready and as we were leaving for me to take difficult child to school, the principal called and left message on answering machine. (She had been out all week until today because she's been sick.) I didn't take the call and when I dropped difficult child off, they said the principal was on the phone, so I left a message asking that she call or email me when she had a chance for us to talk a few mins.

    Maybe I should just take the little I have left, get a small, inexpensive (HA) apartment, let them foreclose on the house and file for bankruptcy?? I don't know.

    All these people I'm discussing this with are taking my name, difficult child's name, what school he goes to, PO's name, and difficult child's psychiatrist/therapist's name. They are all telling me that they won't notify any of these people (really, I only care about PO being notified), and that they can't because they don;t have release forms, but I know people discuss things without release forms quite often around here- the county people do anyway. It concerns me- but on the other hand, it might end up "covering" me in the future too, that I called and tried to get help for us, Know what I mean?? Anyway, I'm pretty sure that it's unrealistic to think that no one at the courts (judge, gal, po) is going to catch wind of all my phone calls about this.

    I'm going to try to re-group for a few mins then I'm going to work for a while- until it's time for difficult child to come home from school...
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2008
  2. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    THE SYSTEM STINKS!!!! There just isn't enough out there to help our kids. Your team meeting is called a "network" meeting in my state. I have had several of those. They do have some good programs but it's as if one hand doesn't know what the other is doing. I have found it very difficult to have all the resources mesh together. It always boils down to who will pay. They always want to wait until absolutely necessary before placing a child, it's usually after something horrible happens. Meanwhile we are trying to get as much help as possible to prevent the horrible happenings!!! It's a catch 22!!! You just can't win!!!

    Good luck. :)
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's right Bran- that's what everyone keeps telling me- it's about who will pay. But then, they make the WISE decision of instead of helping to prevent us from going on welfare and medicaid or out of home placement, they say they can't help with that- Well, wouldn't it cost them (local government) a lotl less to help now than pay for medicaid and welfare? Wouldn't it be in difficult child's best interest to see his mom stay in the work force? Where do they get these highly educated individuals who are so quilified to make decisions like that?
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    It's so ridiculous and so scary. I just wanted to offer my support. It just makes me shake my head in disbelief.

    So, are you going to go ahead with them now??? The PO thing ok thats just not cool at all.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I swear, I have no idea. I'm going to have to tell someone some of the things he's doing at home- like you all here know but others in his life don't. I see a therapist for myself on Tues.- I'm going to ask her first, but I know we might not even get to that on the first visit.

    If the "team" knew everything he's done, really done, they might put him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). But here, in order to get into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), the kid is either considered seriously violent (as in they have already committed seriously violent acts) or they have committed a sexual offense. So, these are the kids that difficult child would be in with. Somehow I can't see my son improving when those are the kids he'd be living and doing group therapy with and socializing and going to school with.

    But, he definitely needs more structure (or something- ways to enforce rules?) than I can provide him or that I think a typical home can provide him. This is the first day he's gone out to do something in about a month (he was on house arrest until last Monday, then I wouldn't let him go out because of being sick and not going to school). Today, when he came home he asked if he could go on a walk. I told him a short one but if he wasn't back on time, it would be another "not obeying my rules" incident, which is why the PO put him on house arrest last month. He said ok, when did he need to be back. I said 15 mins. That was 45 mins ago.

    What has happened before is when he starts escalating and keeps pushing everything so much and acts impulsively, etc., then he ends up in legal trouble and then I get jumped on because I "let it happen".

    Now, I just checked my phone records online- he called the kid that he "disappeared" to meet last month bwteen coming home from school and "going for his walk".
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2008
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    He's still not home- and it's dark- which is my deadline for him to be home under the vest of circumstances, unless I know he's in a house and where and with whom. 7:00 is the PO's new curfew for him- I wonder if he'll be home by then. I wonder if he ran away or is getting busted by the cops again or drinking or doing drugs with that guy. My son makes such stupid decisions sometimes.


    He just came to the door...Here we go...
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, dear.
    On all counts ... the system, and your son not being home.
    I am so sorry. I wish I could do something.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    He's home now- and this is when I found out that he'd been out cutting his arm