What a mess..

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by christine5555, Oct 18, 2013.

  1. christine5555

    christine5555 New Member

    Hi, I'm new here, looking for support/to be able to relate. My Son is a full-blown drug addict, meth. His father died last yr from liver disease due to same drug use. We got my son to rehab, paid 25, 000 for it. Came back and started with old friends, now he's worse than ever. He's lost his job, house, wife, step-sons, pets.. Trying to help him get stuff out of his house with uhaul, he was no help as he was of course high and fell off his bike while joy riding on the beach. So sat in emerg for 4 hours to get his foot looked at, him coming down off the ****. He slept for few days, ate, pick him up for his appointment. to get cast put on, he's high again! I was not going to sit with him as don't want to sit there while he's high with his head phones on acting like he's 15 when he's 31 yrs old! I gave him my phone # on piece of paper and told him to call me when he's finished. He looked at me with shock as I have never done anything like that before. Wh... what's wrong he asked. Omg! Do you want to talk about it he asks. Yes, I do I said. So we went to sit, he asks if I can buy us coffee's. I fed him, bought him coffee's just the night before in emerg and now it's all over again. For why as his foot is the least of his worries! I said no to the coffee. He walks on by and speeds along towards outside with his crutches. I finally catch up to him asking where he's going. Out for a smoke he says. He has to stay nearby to hear when his number is called to get help! He never brought his health card with him so I had to go back to his house and get it. So here I am sat at home, waiting for his phone call. I hope he hopes home as it's 1 block away from his house. I am going insane. My husband says I need a hospital room with rubber walls. We have enabled him so much I now see. How does one deal sanely with all the mess ups they did in their child's life.. There is no release to it :(
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to say welcome. Glad you found us but truly sorry you had to look us up. Sorry I don't have much time to respond but I'm sure others will. I think you "know" what you have to do. It is past time for you to focus on your life and let him live with the consequences of HIS choices. You've done everything you could. You've likely done much more than you should have. Many of us have gone thru years of fear and enabling only to discover that we do NOT have the power to change our difficult children. My mantra is the Serenity Prayer as it wraps up all the complexities in just a few sentences. Sending hugs your way. DDD
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy Christine, we have all been through the enabling game. But today is the day you stop. Your need to stop saving him. Maybe he needs to be on the street for a while until he decides to get help. This is where tough love comes in and they don't call it tough for nothing. There are several of us who have had to kick out kids out of the house knowing that they could get worse or die but also knowing that they were going to die anyway if they cotinued on that path.

    It sounds like you live on the coast somewhere. Do you have sober houses in your area that will take people with no money? Does he have insurance that will cover treatment? It's time to make some tough decisions.
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh I feel for you. I have been there and still am there in some ways. It is very hard to not enable as you love your son,and want what is best for him. However he is a grown man (at least in body) and has to at this point make his own decisions, his own mistakes and face the consequences. I think one of the really hard things to come to terms with is that you cant save him, he has to save himself. I highly recommend you got to a parents alanon group or some other support group for parents with drug addicted kids.... and take away the idea that at this point you need to take care of you and find a way to keep living your life. Believe me I know how hard it is.

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You decide that YOU are important too and that you will not allow your 31 year old son to destroy your happiness and peace of mind...and you detach from his madness. If he gets into an accident while high on his motorcycle, you let the paramedics and hospital take care of him rather than keeping him company. You cut off any money you give him. You let him implode because he's going to implode whether or not you throw money at him. If he sincerely wants help, which you will know because he will drop his drug using friends, then you support him and it shouldn't be dramatic. It should be happy because he has made a good choice and he no longer thinks you have to keep on being "mommy." "Mommy" takes care of kids until they are old enough to be out on their own, but he is long past that.

    I assume you have other loved ones, family, friends who need you and make you feel good. You in my opinion should spent more time with them as well as enjoying your hobbies and interests and feeling at peace. It is sad about your ex and I know you are thinking of him when you look at your son. But you couldn't fix the ex and you can't really fix anyone except yourself and how you choose to deal with your son's drug addiction. Do you go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? Have you contacted NAMI? You can get real time support in those places from people who understand. You can hear stories and learn a lot.

    I recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. That was the first book I read when I first realized I am very codependent. Look, we don't learn to "let go" overnight, but our attitude and focus can change quickly and we CAN learn to live fruitful, fun, interesting lives even while our kids make horrible life choices. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change your son until he makes the hard decision to quit using meth so you may as well make the most out of your own life. Maybe a private therapist for you would be helpful. I still see one...it's been years and years. I find therapy very useful!

    I'm glad you joined our forum, but am so very sorry that you had to!
  6. christine5555

    christine5555 New Member

    Thanks so much everyone for your support! I don't go to AA in our city, it's not on coast but on the Great Lakes in Canada. I did go to 3 meetings but find them odd in no one is to give advice. You just wait for your turn where you say what the latest is with you and your addicted loved one. Or a lot of the women had husbands who were alcoholics that now are deceased or aren't with any longer. One woman knitted the entire time, it's a social outting for some. I find the online support better actually. Although I go back and forth on whether or not to return to AlAnon. I did go to a therapist and she helped. Too bad I couldn't call her in day-to-day dramas. I finally was able to go for my fast pace walk to clear my head somewhat tonight. I didn't walk by my Son's house for a first in a long time. What is the point. He's likely in there now playing with speaker wires instead of packing up his belongings that have to be out of house in 6 days! He doesn't even know where he's moving to yet. This sounds odd but I still can't fathom where he actually is in his life. It's just so bizarre.

    There is nothing like being able to relate in making one not feel so alone. You all did that for me and I thank-you. Christine
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you didnt find an alanon group for parents. I just think there is a big difference in dealing with an alcoholic or drug addict who is your husband, brother etc than dealing with one who is your child. It may be hard not to enable a parent or a sibling but I dont think it compares to not enabling your child, where it has been our role to take care of and protect!!

    It does take a while to get used to the no advice part of alanon, but I have gotten to really like that part.... and often after meetings I talk specifics with others in the program. What I do like is meeting other parents who know exactly what I a going through and who have insights from their own lives that apply to mine.

    I hope you keep finding support here and elsewhere.

  8. 92025

    92025 Member

    meth is really terrible. my suggestion would be to stop doing anything for or with him when he is high. a broken foot is often not that serious; if you show up to take him to an appointment and he's high, just tell him, "call me when you're not high, I'm not being around you when you are". And then leave and do NOT engage with him
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome. I am another one that didn't find the Al-anon meetings helpful. I want a group that will give me support and advice. I have found seeing a private therapist and having this online support groups to be the best combination for me. Everyone is different, though.

    Are there any other types of support group near you? I know that some of our members like Families Anonymous.

    Find whatever works for you. But you did need to find someone or a group that will help you be strong and be able to say to your drug using son. I know that it comes at a different point for everyone but at some point you have to be able to say that you refuse to help him as long as he is using and that the only help that you will give is if he goes into a treatment center or a sober living facility.

    Keep posting. You will find the support that you get here invaluable because we understand what you are going through having lived through it ourselves.

  10. christine5555

    christine5555 New Member

    Thanks tough, 92 and Kathy.. I find with Al-Anon it can be an un-easy feeling talking with everyone staring at you waiting for something to come out of your mouth. I know everyone likely feels same.. Just is different, I might go back.. I find it helpful, you all here giving me feedback. And it makes me feel better in that you all agree I should keep away from my son when he's using. By the looks of what I saw in last 3 days, he's not in any hurry to change. Feel like I was on the west side of L.A. in the worst part of town! :(
  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, Christine, welcome...

    We have our 21yo difficult child with us again (my stepson). I think it was probably a mistake to let him come back, and I regret doing it.

    Sorry you have to go through this. difficult children seem to create problems for everyone else. Sometimes I wonder if we care more about their lives than they themselves do!

    Are you going to allow your difficult child to come to live with you?
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Meth is a nightmare. We have had years of hades here because of it. My daughter lost everything. She was homeless for years. The ONLY thing that changed her was going to jail for six months and then having a baby. Nothing I did made any difference at all except make MY life turmoil. He has to feel so uncomfortable that he WANTS change. As much as it is against our nature as mothers, we HAVE to let them fall flat on their face. We cannot prevent bottom from coming...many hugs and prayers to you...
  13. christine5555

    christine5555 New Member

    Thank you Patriots and Apple for responding, I take all your supportive comments seriously. Am not allowing my son to live with us. He has money coming to him from sale of house so he can figure it out himself. Our house is 'very' small and he wouldn't come here anyway. Too normal for him here.

    Meth sure is a nightmare. Makes me sick over and over again imagining his now deceased father injecting him with his first try at meth. How sick is that!!! I found out about it many years later. Never thinking it would be as my son is deathly afraid of needles. Never thought about smoking it which he did but since back from rehab, he's injecting. That makes me think when you say Apple, that he has to feel so uncomfortable he WANTS to change. He's not felt that way for long. I can't wait till this money he's getting runs out as he has lots to pay. One being getting his truck out from the impound due to stealing bikes found in back of truck. When there is no more money, only then will he have a chance to feel things.

    I wonder if having only one child is worse. I have no other to concentrate on. Thanks again for posting, it helps me a lot. C
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    C, I am sick to my stomach reading that his father gave his first injection of this drug. How furious you must be! Especially since he is not even around to see the mess he caused! Argh!!!!

    You really need to separate yourself from him. He is only going to bring you down with him.....until that day that he decides he has had enough.....and even then you won't be able to believe him. He will have to do it on his own.

    Just step away. Completely.
  15. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board.
    I know how sad all of this is.
    I hope your son will "feel" again soon and wake up wanting a better life for himself.

    caring thoughts,
  16. christine5555

    christine5555 New Member

    Thanks Lms for your caring thoughts as it is so sad. And thank-you Busywend as you are spot-on in that I feel sick to my stomach and every living part of me knowing his so called Dad gave him his first injection! Sick sick SICK!! I only learned of it a few yrs ago after it had been going on for years. I saw his Dad 2 days before he died, I yelled at him, calling a 'piece of ****' repeatedly!! Asking him what kind of father does that!?! He muttered he was trying to get my son into AA, then blaming someone else for the drugs. I cannot fathom it still. Yes there he is dead and gone, had a nice funeral n all. My Son asked me to go to the funeral. I felt sick going but he said for him if I'd go. Then while my son was in rehab, he asked me on the phone if I felt badly for yelling at his dad as he thinks it might have contributed to his death. Um... no I said. Had that been the case that my yelling caused his death I would've done it 30 yrs ago!!

    My therapist told me despite his dad being the pusher, it was still my son's choice. That's a hard one to swallow but I have to remind myself daily. Saw my son today waiting for someone to answer the door at his separated wife's place. He saw me I believe and then looked the other way as I drove by almost waving out of reflex but put my arm down. I am stepping away yes. I was driving by his house repeatedly daily but I go out of my way to not go by his house now. I am scared out of my wits of what is next. I feel for all of us here. It is awful....
  17. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry your son couldn't see the life his father lived and what his father did to himself.
    You were gracious to go to your son's father's funeral. Sounds like you have given a ton on behalf of your son.

    The therapist is right though...this was your son's choice.
    I'm so sorry for all the pain and anguish you are going through.
    Baby steps...You're doing good to not go by son's house now.

    Thinking of you,
    I hope you will do something kind for yourself today.
  18. christine5555

    christine5555 New Member

    Yes, it is mindboggling my son isn't seeing his fathers death and what he went through with his dad, the blood coming back up from his liver being so scarred, going to hospital to see his dad after his work day to find his dad discharged himself. His dad crashing car into a porch of someone's house to then telling my son it was due to son going out of town and not being there for his dad. His dad laid so many guilt trips on my son.. He was very selfish, felt the world owed him as 'his' father was very abusive. But yeh...is now my son's choices he makes in his life. He stopped by today surprisingly. Asking where we put his stuff in storage, told me how appreciative he is of all we've done for him with his moving. He said he needs to get his life sorted, stop being numb all the time. I agreed telling him he's missing out on life and that things will always be there until he deals.

    At least he wasn't high, he was able to comprehend things today. Today, it's all we have right. Thanks LMS, much hugs back.
  19. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Yes, Christine,
    Today is all we have.

    I am glad to hear you had a decent visit with difficult child and that he sounded clear-headed and as if he was thinking about straightening out his life.

    I think many of us have had missing parents, abusive parents, addicted parents, etc. It doesn't excuse us when we become adults. We can no longer blame those who came before us for the decisions WE make. It is up to us to get the help we need to move on and not repeat the cycle.

    It is unfortunate though that difficult child's "dad" put such a horrible guilt trip on him, injected him with drugs, etc. We are supposed to feel safe, secure and loved by our parents...protected, not thrown to the wolves.
    I think your son could really benefit from AA or therapy of some kind. He has had alot of emotional **** thrown in his direction.

    Thinking of you,
  20. christine5555

    christine5555 New Member

    So true your words LMS. And you're right my son could def use help from AA, etc. After he officially is out from his house this week, I hope he finds some solace and he can work on getting on with life and leave a lot of the bad memories go with the house. I've read a lot about meth, I hope he takes the initiative and gets on medication for his low dopamine level the meth causes. It takes a year at least for the brain to heal from it's devastating effects.

    I thank-you so much for your time in posting back to me LMS. Xx