What do I do? Need advise

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by okie girl, Jul 8, 2015.

  1. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Difficult Child was arrested on July 4th. Got a certified letter today from wrecker company for him. I signed for it. I went ahead and opened, knowing full well his truck was impounded. Called the wrecker service and was told I would need to come there and get a form and take it to the jail and have Difficult Child sign it. This would give me permission to pick up the truck. I would also have to get insurance verification before I can get it. (More than likely he does not have insurance). It will cost me over $200 to get it out of impound plus the cost of liability insurance. I have put new tires on it and spent almost $1800 to have the motor repaired. I thought he would get a job if he had reliable transportation. Jokes on me. Difficult Child will more than likely go to prison because he was already on probation and has a larceny charge filed against. Should I get the truck out of impound or just let it go and let the state auction it off? He had been living out of his truck, so all his clothes and shoes are inside the truck. Really stressing. Need your suggestions please.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Okie girl, I assume the title of the truck is in his name or else you would not have to involve him at all.
    If you look at it one way, the truck is really yours, whether or not the title is in your name.

    You paid for it, your hopes are invested in it

    This is what I would do, if the truck is in your son's name. I would go to DMV and pick up the papers to transfer ownership to you. There is also a paper that can be completed if the pink slip is lost or missing. I would go to your son, and I would let him decide.

    If he transfers ownership to you, I would save the truck, assuming you have the funds to do so, and want to. If you decide to pay for the insurance and for the impound, I would only do it if the vehicle is put in your name and is your property.

    I would not gift him this help. If he refuses to transfer ownership first, I would let the truck go. And accept that this was his decision, not yours. That way he chooses to do the responsible thing or not. It would be wrong of him to expect that you keep paying and paying, for his mistakes. If he loses the truck, he suffers the consequences.

    I am sorry this happened to you okie girl.
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    Last edited: Jul 10, 2015
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm with Copa on this.
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Okie Girl, I'm so sorry.

    Does he own the truck outright or is there a loan on it?
    If he owns it outright and you feel you might be able to re-coup some of the money you have put into it by selling it, then I would have him sign the title over to you. If he won't do that then I would let it go to auction.
    You do not need this kind of stress. I know how hard it is, you want to help but remember that when we "help" we are not helping.

    Let us know how it goes.

    ((HUGS)) to you.............
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    A lot of us made that same mistake hoping they would get a job. Don't be hard on yourself. Hopefully new members learn from our experiences. :)

    I am with the others - I would only do it if you want the truck and if he will sign the title over to you. That way you can sell it and recoup some of your money (if it is worth it after paying the fees). I would not get it out for him...
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't get it out for him. This IS the 45 year old right? Time to grow up or pay. If you want the title and he gives it to you, agree with all above. If not, agree he should see it auctioned off.

    It's getting late in the game for him to stop his addictive lifestyle. If he doesn't, it will kill him. He's not young anymore. I wouldn't do anything to help him continue on the way he's going.

    He's been homeless a long time. He knows how to couch surf. Many of us do less for adult kids who are half his age. And some straighten up!
  7. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I agree if it's in your name and worth something get it out and sell it. Pay yourself back the 1800 and if you feel super guilty keep the remainder in a fund for Difficult Child if he should ever become and EX Difficult Child.

    If its in his name or not worth the 1800 then let him decide.
  8. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Step away from the car. And the son. Step away.
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  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Okie girl I see Echo's point of view.

    She is saying something deep and important. To not keep in the mix with him, the stew of how he lives his life. To try to resurrect money is not the point. This truck has gone bad already. In a way, so has he. Any decision about his stuff or life is his responsibility to make. You helped him. You will not do so again.

    To involve yourself further in this is regressive to you, and is likely to bring trouble and conflict. Why do it? Is it worth it?

    It has nothing anymore to do with you. Only his garbage. To do anything would be to clean up his mess.

    I think she is saying the only clean, really clean thing to do is to get out of it. NOW. That this is the only course for you.

    If this was really about a truck or money, I could see where the course I proposed would have merit. But it is not about money or a truck.

    This matter has nothing to do with you.

    Your value is infinitely more than what you put into the truck. Protect you.

    I agree with Echo.
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    Last edited: Jul 8, 2015
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, well, I'm convinced as well. Just don't even get involved. It's not your circus, not your monkey. It's his problem.
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This absolutely simplifies it and sometimes simple is best.
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  12. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank all of you so much. I can see things more clearly now. I need to step away and let this go. Thanks again for your support. I can always count on good advise by all of you.
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  13. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Just let it be. Even if you go to all the hassles of transferring ownership and getting it out of impound and getting insurance, he's going to want it back when he gets out. Or the money you got from selling it.

    He made a giant mess out of something you gave him to help get himself together. Now you're supposed to spend lots of time, energy and money cleaning up his mess?

    The answer is not no.

    The answer is Hell No!
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  14. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Difficult Child is 43. He does not have the title, his wife has it. She is also dysfunctional too. Last I heard she was living with another man. I thank God they didn't have any kids. It's just hard for me to let the truck go. It is a 2009 Silverado. It has body damage to the back and dings in it. No telling how that happened. My husband says he is not getting involved. I think I probably need to step away because if I don't, it is going to cause problems between husband and me. When he gets out of prison (he hasn't gone before the judge yet but he is on probation and now has another felony) he will have no clothes or anything but he has brought this on his self. I have such mixed feelings regarding Difficult Child. I remember how sweet he was as a child and just don't know what happened. I love him but just don't want to stay on this merry-go-round. Sometimes I want to move and not leave a forwarding address.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    At your age, since you have a nice husband, I'd put him way first. Your son is not anywhere near a kid and is not going to change if you get the truck. I'd forget it and support your husband. Your son may have been a sweet little boy (most kids are sweet and cute) but he is a total grown up now hitting his later years and not that sweet little boy. It helps to stop thihking of him as your little boy and remembering that he is a grown man who has never been responsible.

    You gave him the truck so it was a gift. What happens now is really none of your business. Let it go. Let him go to either make some sort of life for himself on his own or be a drug addict until the end. You can't do anything for him. You do in my opinion owe love and loyalty to your husband who has put up with this for so long and needs a break. You do too.

    I'd stop accepting jail house calls.

    If you don't live your life now, you will regret it and nothing good will change for your middle age son if you do things for him. So I'd enjoy my husband and the rest of my life. You've wasted enough years trying to help him. For what? He is the same.

    I hope you do go on some nice trip with your husband and it wouldn't hurt to move far away to some wonderful place and relax. Your job as a mommy is long over. It's your son's choice to live his life any way he wants to now, but he should not expect you to get involved in it in any way. Dysfunctional men usually are with dysfunctional wives or ex wives so it is no surprise that she is also dysfunctional but, in the end, these are their problems, not yours.

    Not your curcus, not your monkey. I bought a shirt that says just that on it and I bought it when it was a popular saying here on the forum. I'm wearing it today, of all things :) It reminds me. My only business is my own and the drama others bring upon themselves..they own it, not me, even if they are my grown kids.

    I hope you can walk away from this. It is time to do it and retire in peace. You said your hub has health issues. You don't want him to have a heart attack from worrying about either your broken heart or his son. Stress is a killer.

    Good luck!
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  16. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you. You have given me some wonderful advise. Thank you for being there for me. I do have many wonderful blessings. My Difficult Child has really missed out not being in his daughter and son's lives. His daughter is a junior in college and is presently in Honduras on a missionary trip and his son will graduate next year. so proud of them.
  17. RebeccaJ

    RebeccaJ New Member

    Take your Husbands hands (your bestfriend), and draw support from them, they will be there for you to cry on. And you already know you have to let the truck go, like a symbol, of your son, you have to let both go. Prayers your way.
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  18. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Well said SWOT. This is something I had to do and believe me it really does help. Once I stopped "seeing" my son as a child and instead see him as a grown man, was I finally able to really detach and let go. You have to change your thinking. In my minds eye when I would think of him I would "see" him as that sweet little boy, I had to retrain myself to "see" him as an adult with his full scruffy beard and long hair.

    Hold onto to your husband. Go have a date night. :p
  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    okie girl, I remember getting confused, too, about money I had spent, and then I was also really mad, at him and at myself, so I wanted to get SOMETHING back for all my troubles.

    My ex-husband (his dad) and I had helped him get a nice used Toyota Camry that he picked out---that car was so clean. He was supposed to pay both of us back for the car over time. Never saw a dime of it.

    And then, finally, the car was so completely trashed out, inside and outside, and my ex had it towed to my neighborhood to store where we have a fenced in area for boats, etc.

    I would look at that car, and cry. It was a metaphor for his life. So much promise, and then, completely wrecked.

    Finally, he got the car, and got it going, and then sold it as is, got enough to pay for another car. I didn't spend any more money of my own on that car. We by then had learned the hard, hard way that either he was going to have to figure it out, or it wouldn't get figured out.

    But I remember all of my emotions surrounding that car. We have to completely let go of the past, and our involvement and our anger, and disappointment and our Cinderella stories about "maybe this time, if I help with this, he will do THAT'.

    Time for you and your husband. Let the system work. It will work just fine and his life will continue to move forward. Hang in there Okie Girl! Let it go, let it go, let it go.
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  20. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I have to agree with everyone else. Getting that truck will do no good, but may cause some harm....in your relationship with your husband. Your son didn't straighten up when he had the truck, why would he do so because you get it back for him. Anyway, you are out the money. His wife has the title, you don't. You can't sell the truck. You can't sell the tires off it. You can't do anything but throw more money at it and then what...let it sit somewhere and remind you of him?

    If you do anything...I'd just see if they'd let you get his personal items out of it. You could put the clothes in a box, tape it shut, stick it on a shelf and forget about it until he gets out. But really, that's the absolute limit. There are charities he can go to to get clothes when he gets out of prison and, you have to face the fact, it may be a long time.

    Your son is as old as Jabber, my husband! He's not the sweet boy you raised anymore and there is zero you can do to change that.

    I'm very sorry.