what do we do?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by joelles15, Apr 7, 2008.

  1. joelles15

    joelles15 New Member

    This is my first post! I am so glad that I found this site. And after reading several posts and hearing all of the wonderful advice that has been given out, I decided to plead my case!

    My difficult child son will be 4 in two weeks, and I don't know if he has a "problem"(for lack of a better word) or not. He will be very defiant if you try to get him to do something he doesn't want to do. He will yell loudly and scream, and if you try to punish him it only escalates. He kicks,screams, punches, knocks things down, etc. I work with children and adults with special needs, and am very proficient in behavior management, yet nothing works with him. He is like a light switch when he is turned on it is nasty(your reaction is wow that is an angry child), and then just like that he can turn off and be this sweet little boy who is soo loving and caring.

    The real stumper for me is that he does not display that anger at preschool or his babysitter's house or when he is with other people. It is generally only with his father and I when we are trying to get him to do things he doesn't want to do or telling him no.

    He is really rough at times with his sister, pushing her, biting her. But he can be very apologetic and knows that it is wrong. When he gets angy he yells, then screams, then throws things, then hits walls, he talks back, says he is going to shoot me and has called me a "f***er". But then there are times when he is a sweet angel for days, recently he even went about 3 months without a huge meltdown, and then "boom" they have started back up again!!

    I am going to meet with his pediatrician tomorrow. Is it possible for him to have a diagnosis with these behaviors that we see that he does not do at pre-school and other places?

    FYI he was a colicky baby and until the last 5-6 months was a horrible sleeper, had a lot of night terrors. Also, if he falls asleep in the car and we wake him up he loses it,and we don't know what to do!!

    Any input would be greatly appreciated!!!! Lastly, what does everyone think of brainmapping? That was recommended to us!! I just don't know if I could feel comfortable knowing that my little guy would have this diagnosis and at the same time, lays down in bed and tells me how much he loves me and that I am the best mommy ever!(which I need to hear after the days with him!)

    Thanks for reading!! And the sage advice!!!!
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    Welcome! I don't know a thing about brain mapping so I'll leave that for someone else. A few questions: Does he have any health issues: allergies, headaches, sleep apnea, etc? How does he do socially? Any friends yet? How old is his sister? What sort of instances set him off (could he be frustrated or is he just defiant?)?
  3. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Hi Joelle. I don't normally post over here, but it sounds like you're in a bit of a pickle. To me, it sounds strange that your child's outbursts seem to be situational, or somehow triggered. I wouldn't even begin to guess at what's going on, but things that come to mind are allergens present in your home (or in certain foods you only serve at home), situational issues (such as fears of certain areas of your house, or certain situations in your home). I don't know, it just sounds a bit strange.

    When McWeedy was much younger (4-5), he had problems with anger and defiance - wouldn't sit down, wouldn't get into his carseat, wouldn't stay with the rest of the children on the playground, etc. And when he was crossed in one of these situations, it was (like you said) a "light switch going off", and he turned into a howling maniac.

    Ultimately, for us it turned out that McW was developmentally delayed in speech. His inability to communicate his desires (or react to what adults were doing with him) keyed him to a high sense of frustration, and a very low trigger threshold for outbursts. It took a year of working with a speech pathologist to get him over that particular issue.

    But, like I said, that's just me and my family, and at the beginning if you'd told me that his defiance and outbursts (at that time) were linked to delayed speech, I would have thought you were off-kilter. But, not now.

    So, with your child, I think that you're on the right track. Start by seeing a doctor, and try to (a) find some commonalities in the situations where your child has problems, and (b) rule out any immediately visible/discoverable problems. And keep your mind and options open to a wider set of issues than strictly medical as well. Ultimately, it was the school nurse at the elementary school who recommended a pediatric psychiatric/neuro, who then recognized the problem and sent us in the right direction. His doctor, after two months, hadn't picked up on the fact.

    Good luck to you and your child. Starting early to help them with any issues they have is the best possible thing you could do.


  4. Lulu

    Lulu New Member

    Hello and welcome! Our boys sound very similar. My boy exhibits his defiance at home, but VERY rarely at school. The teacher sees his occasional refusal to do things as just normal 4yo boy behavior. We see it every day here, and have realized it's not normal. LOL The parents on this list who've gone through the evaluation process have lots of good suggestions to share. We are just starting with-our boy, though, so I don't have much to share, other than to get yourself a copy of Greene's The Explosive Child. It has helped me greatly.

    Good luck, and keep us posted!
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has he been evaluated by a neuropsychologist? Usually kids are defiant out of frustration and for reasons that we as parents can't see. in my opinion until he is totally evaluated, I'd not want to put him in a class for "behavior problems." He could have a psychiatric or neurological problem, undiagnosed. How has his early development been? Do you have any psychiatric or substance abuse problems on either side of the family tree?