what do you all do

[navineja]

I must agree with Star- you can't really get rid of the anger, you have to teach them how to express it appropriately. Our therapist has suggested a basket by the back door with various items and cards in it, related to releasing anger or calming. When N is starting into a tantrum, I remind her that she needs to use her tools to control herself and then she can pick from the basket what she thinks will help her. (Works better than me telling her to do _____, due to the ODD) Her basket includes bubbles (blowing calms the breathing and heart rate), a ball to bounce, and cards listing activities (jumping jacks, run laps, etc). When I remember to use it, it works well for N.

 

[busywend]

Ugh - this is a horrible position to be in.

You love her, you feel bad for her....you can't stand being around her and resent her for all the things she ruins.

I have been there done that. When difficult child came after me with a hammer, that was my final straw. I know you do not have another house to send her to (like I had the ex) but you do have to start documenting these rages for the possibility in the future. I would video everything you can. There is a chance she will stop raging knowing the video is on - at least then there is peace.

I had holes in carpeting, walls, doors, shower curtains, lamp shades; burns marks in cupboard doors, molding, countertops. It is very discouraging to have your own child ruin the things you work hard for and take pride in.

My only advice is to stop buying her nice things - I would rather take the 'you dont love mes' than waste the money. Seriously, because the 'you dont love mes' are total manipulation anyway. I stopped buying difficult child nice things. I can not tell you how many bedding sets I have invested in to try to make her feel pride and appreciate her bedroom.

Honestly, she still can get me feeling guilty about her not having nice things, but then I just remind myself about how many nice things she destroyed and I puch the guilties down.

I really have no answers. Nothing I recall seemed to work at this age. It just took a ton of time & her living somewhere else for things to change.

HUGS!!!!

 

[Lothlorien]

Thanks for all your replies. She's been going to a therapist. I will ask him to work with her on the coping skills. She has Zero skills at this point. I've tried with her, but if someone else works with her, maybe.

 

[Star*]

Loth -

The one skill in particular that helped Dude - and was learned over a period of time with therapist - was so:

Sit on your hands and tense up your body to the point where you have contracted EVERY single muscle and think about all the muscles from your head to your feet - it's like the ultimate tense up. And release and tense and release and tense....hold it.......release. And in the mean time - learn breathing exercises with it -

Our psychiatrist helps the prisoners who are housed in jail within the prisons and this had been a great help to them. It's the one that helped Dude the most - and after you do it right 3 times or more - you are whipped. I learned it too and have used it and I don't know why it works - maybe something to do with releasing toxins in your muscles or endorpines? But that's the one that helped Dude the most. Like I said it has to be taught so you get the breathing right - and it takes practice but when he is REALLY going to blow - he'll choose to walk away and retain HIS POWER over his anger or do this exercise.

Hugs

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry. I think this board is one of the very few places where people really understand that a 7yo can be cary and threatening to the point you fear for your life or the lives of other family members.

As I have posted, while a teen I shredded old romances by the case. (I worked in a used bookstore and got them for free). If you go to a used bookstore regularly, or know of one nearby, it can't hurt to ask for a box of the books they are WAY overstocked on, you can problem explain that you have a child who needs ways to work out rage and they may give them to you free or for a dollar or two. I know my fave bookstore has done this.

I also worked with a therapist. My phys therapist was actually the most helpful. He explained the physical aspects of anger - tense muscles, increased heart rate, etc...

I like the fluff idea. I would scout garage sales for quilt batting and pillow stuffing.

I thinkhaving no door on her room would be a disaster. She would not be contained then. So hit a habitat for humanity ReStore adn check out the cost of doors. Take the measurements of the door with you, saves LOTS of time. Their board may even let you have it for free. Can't hurt to ask.

I forget, is Missy seeing an Occupational Therapist (OT)? MUCH of thank you's anger went away when we started brushing and other Occupational Therapist (OT) stuff. I know it won't solve all her problems, but it might help.

I agree with a stripped down room. No box springs, she can tear them up and get the wood out to damage the room and people.

I hope the psychiatrist and therapist can help. Is this new since the concerta? while my difficult child really needs ADHD medications, when he switched to strattera he said he was surprised that he wasn't angry nearly as often, or nearly to the degree he had been. It surprised him greatly. I do NOT advocate strattera or any particular medication, just saying what we went through.

Hugs, sweetie!!

Susie

ps. If you haven't picked up "The Out of Sync Child Has Fun" by Kranowitz, it is time. It really has FUN ideas, and they really do fill a need in many kids. (Even husband and I enjoy the activities!! Sometimes for
date night we send the kids to my parents anddo some of the activities, just US!, LOL!!)

 

[Shari]

Oh, 2 more ideas....fluff - I like that. And Salvation Army or GoodWill ALWAYS have an abundance of ugly stuffed animals - ie cheap stuffing.

I totally forgot about this, but difficult child 1 used to carve soap. Gave him a spoon and a bar of soap and he whittled and carved and stabbed to oblivion - or to the next bar of soap.

 

[amazeofgrace]

I can relate difficult child II is a wrecking crew in and of himself. He broke 3 of my paris of sunglasses in a months time, 2 were on purpose one by wreckless accident, but still. My Dad rants we're treating his home like a rental, well, hello! I wish I knew the magic answer to stop a raging difficult child, it owuld make all of our live alot easier!

 

[witzend]

I wouldn't even give her a bean bag chair. She'd rip it to shreds and throw all of those little styrofoam balls all over the place. You'd never get rid of them!

Strip it. Sleeping bag and pillow. She's old enough to understand that she can have things if she respects them and their owners, and heck no! it's not her room! It's your room which you let her sleep in. It's your house, it's your food, it's your television, everything belongs to you! If she wants more she can earn it!

I would be certain to get the "lock her in her room" directive in writing from the psychiatrist. I'd be worried that it might cause problems with CPS.

 

[klmno]

Funny, Witz! I have been there done that and ppicked up styrofoam "beans" even as we were moving out of the house. It wasn't all to throw the beans around the room- those chairs are a great place to hide things.