What do you do (Just Venting)

[needprayers]

School this week has been terrible for difficult child and us. difficult child has 5 classes during the day, with a different teacher in each class. He extremely dislikes one of them, i'll call her teach #3, and is defiant and disrespectful to her a lot of times. Tuesday as the wife picked him up for school and take him to his weekly session with Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), the principle comes out and tells us we need to meet with him Wed morn.

Wednesday morn I meet with principle, and he tells me of of the issues between difficult child and teach #3. Most of the issues involve disrespect and refusal to follow her directions. Some issues were the language he was using for some sexual remarks (nothing too terrible, just used in the wrong crowd at the wrong time). Principle and I came up with a plan that would not allow difficult child to go to the restroom with the rest of the class, he would have to go alone and supervised. That way there would be no trouble, and when he proved he could behave he could go back to the usual routine.

On a positive note, while I was waiting in the office for the meeting, another of his teachers came in and told me how much better he seemed to be acting in her class since he was put on zoloft.

Now on to today. Just got a call that I needed to come pick up difficult child from school. Seems difficult child and teach #3 hada rough day. While changing classes or something, difficult child calls teach #3 a beach, and the principle was standing right behind him.. Automatically suspended for probably 3 days. wife has gone to pick him up and see whats going on.

What does it take to get through to this kid.. I know others have it harder, but wife and I are about at our breaking point. difficult child can behave for the other teachers, so why not this one? We could request him to be put in another class, but what happens next year, and the year after that, if he doesn't get along with them?

We have got to make the home time while he is suspended, miserable for him, else he will figure out real quick suspension is not all that bad.
~

 

[AnnieO]

Oh, no. I know that feeling!

Get with wife - and decide. In my home - no TV or games, reading is allowed. No phone, no nothing. No friends. No sitting around doing nothing either. Cleaning out a garage is always therapeutic...

Does he respond to disappointment? If I tell Onyxx or Jett I'm disappointed, I get a different reaction. From arrogant to sad. OK, not all the time - but sometimes it helps.

 

[klmno]

Is he on an IEP? If not, I'd suggest requesting an evaluation for one. Actually, the sd should have already brought this up.

 

[susiestar]

Time at home while suspended should be hard labor. If wife is home but won't be able to make him behave, then you may have to take him with-you or stay home and make him work hard. If nothing else, have him dig a hole in the back yard. Tell him how big and how deep. Then he can fill it in and dig another. Won't be great if you are landscaped (unless you want to plant a tree or large shrub there, or put in a pond - if you do want something like that, this is the PERFECT time to start. NOT NOT NOT kidding. Learned this from an excellent therapist and again from a good psychiatric hospital.) but it may be a sacrifice you want to make.

He should have no access to anything fun. If you want him to clean his room, and there is enough light from the windows, consider throwing the breaker for his room. Remove any mp3 players and battery operated electronic things because he will use those as distractions.

If you have a sibling or friend who does landscaping or other hard physical labor, consider asking if they will take your difficult child with them and put him to work. This is all designed to make suspension as unenjoyable as possible AND to help him learn that it isn't something he wants to do. You can also try making him spend the time sitting at the table, straight up, hands flat on the table, with NOTHING to do and not allowed to speak. in my humble opinion this one is harder to make happen, because it is hard to keep them from talking, falling asleep, etc... I had an easier time keeping mine busy rahter than keeping him still, but it depends on the difficult child. Some in school suspension programs use the still method.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Sometime we need to follow our gut. When you met with this teacher, what feeling did you get from her? I actually pulled difficult child out of a class last year the last day of the first week of school because of a teacher! I knew in my gut that she was going to be a an issue - a controller, history of noncompliance with IEPs, and his 1:1 went to high school with her and could tell you things.........

I told someone else on the board this week that there truly can be cases of oil and water between teachers and difficult children. Now, that in no way excuses your difficult child from being disrespectful or using foul language. Obviously this is his coping mechanism.

There are always going to be teachers that our children, difficult child and easy child, don't like, don't mesh with, etc. But with a difficult child we do have to be pretty diligent that their teachers "get it". If this teacher is treading over his "line in the sand", perhaps it's worth looking into.

In regards to suspension, I always made it as boring as possible or difficult child - no tv, games, etc. Chores around the house or reading were his choices.

Sharon

 

[BusynMember]

Does he have a formal private evaluation? That would help you know why he acts that way and maybe stop the behavior.

 

[Marguerite]

Some suggestions for you.

1) Problems with teach #3 seem to be predictable. I would suspect there is fault on both sides. If difficult child is working well with other teachers, then why should there be a problem with this one? I would be working to help difficult child to learn to behave appropriately, but I suspect Teach #3 needs to also get some pointers on how to manage difficult child. I would be very suspicious of just how much Teach#3 is inadvertently triggering difficult child.

2) Make the punishment fit the crime. Regardless of whether Teach #3 has triggered difficult child, he has to learn to not use such language to anybody. So the best punishment, in my view, is to get difficult child to hand-write a letter of apology to Teach#3 and then have him hand-deliver it. That will be harder than any other punishment you can give him, and it is as appropriate as you can get it. He would probably paint ten fences and do the washing up for a year than write one letter of apology!

3) While on suspension, or any other time home from school, one rule a over all others - "school work during school hours". Being at home instead of at school should never be preferable. He needs to know that schoolwork continues and will be done. So get copies of the worksheets everyone else is doing, make him do them at home and then hand them in to the teacher. Find other work for him to do as well, to keep him occupied with learning. Maybe get him to write a report on something relevant to a current school topic. This has to be schoolwork, not punishment. Never use work as punishment, but also, never use suspension as a holiday. If he complains about you using the work to punish, make it clear - this is not punishment. This is education.

I don't think, with all of this, that you will need to add in anything more as punishment.

From the sounds of the problem, it is possible that difficult child's assessment of Teach #3 as a beach is accurate! But it is not appropriate to say so.

Marg

 

[needprayers]

difficult child was suspended for 3 days. There was a couple more incidents they told us about. They said he picked up a cigarette butt outside and put it in his pack of gum, and the teach that he dislikes so much, said he was "rubbing himself" in an inappropriate way while seated at his desk. difficult child always has an excuse for everything, and said he was just itching..

They will have a "hearing" Thur to see if the 3 days suspension was enough or whether he has to go to their alternative school for a few days. That may not be a bad idea (scare him).

wife has been having a time finding enough stuff for him to do today. He's written a paper for school, he has weeded flower beds, scrubbed toilets, now he's doing math sheets.. wife said it will be a long three days..

He has made a name for himself at this school, and I hope it hasn't ruined his potential friends/girl friends. Sometimes I wonder if we shouldn't pull him out and put him in a private school, but I'm sure they wouldn't want a child with prior troubles, and then there would the added stress of paying for school.

Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) has thrown out the potential of sending him to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). What exactly do they do at a Residential Treatment Center (RTC)?