What do you do

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nancy, Apr 30, 2009.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When you feel like you have been kicked in the gut? When it hurts so bad you can feel it right in the center of your gut and you can't even breath? When you aren't even angry anymore but so so sad and crying doesn't help but you can't stop? Where do you go? How do you get your center back? How do you deal with knowing that no matter what you did, no matter what you do, it won't help?

    Day after day, year after year, no letup, no change, no success. I don't know of any other situation that lasts as many years than dealing with difficult child's. Everything else ends sometime, much sooner than this.


    Last edited: Apr 30, 2009
  2. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sorry you are in this space.

    I have felt this way about myself in the past. I felt I would never change, I could never get better or be a better anything.
    I knew I was going to end up dead.
    I was just plain sickened by myself at times.

    If any of you had been my parent you would likely be feeling the same.

    Something changed as I got older. Not perfect, but a bit better and able to control my life and care about my life.

    This feeling is such a huge fear of mine when I look at K.

    I watched a special on Frontline the other night, I posted about it on the news forum, it was about severely Mentally Ill people.
    It made me cry and feel panicky inside. What if, kept going through my mind.

    I don't know much with such young ones.
    But I have had feelings of hopelessness in regards to myself and my family. Luckily it has passed, but not without much heartache and time.

    You obviously care so much or you would not have these feelings. Which is a curse at times.

    Sending you many hugs tonight
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Hugs}}} Nancy.

    I usually retreat if I can. One person can only take so much hurt before needing to pull away. I find that I put myself back together most effectively when I can spend some time alone and and just process my heartache.
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I know when I was at my very lowest, I had to find little things that were right. It could be that the sun was shining. Or that I had the money to go get my hair cut. Or that I had gone a whole minute without worrying about what one of the people in my life was going to do next to disappoint or hurt me. Then I got to where I could go for an hour. Then 2. I quit obsessing. I repeated the serenity prayer over and over. I wrote it on post-its and put them everywhere. I began to look for things outside of my "house" to make life bearable. I taught homebound, I coached, I went out with friends, I joined clubs, I went to church. I realized it was up to me to make myself happy. And I am happy. The people in my life still do things that upset me. But they have to face the consequences. I don't clean up other people's messes anymore. I'm too busy living.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    me, i lock myself in the bathroom with my cup of tea and yes my cigarettes and i light a candle. seriously i get alone and quick to clear my mind. i do my meditation breathing (after the cigarette) and i try to get myself calm.

    than i usually go to bed. sleep helps alot of things.

    sorry your feeling the pain i've been there myself, it's horrible yet it'll pass. sending you alot of hugs tonight!

    go find your bathroom spot!
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Nancy....Your post just brings me to tears.

    I dont know what difficult child has done or not done that has caused you so much pain right now but it will get easier with time. When the wounds are fresh they just hurt so much.

    I was just talking today with my therapist about difficult child's in general and their growth and there is growing data out there showing that kids really dont finish their full brain growth till around 25. They are still so immature at 18. If we can keep them alive till 25 they have a shot at really making it in this world. That is what keeps me going.

    Keep talking to us and reaching out. You know I love ya. You have always been here for me and difficult child has always had a special place in my heart.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending many hugs. I'm so sorry you're hurting like this.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I've felt that way myself at times even with my difficult child being so young.

    One thing that has helped me when I start feeling like this is exercising (even though I especially don't feel like it when I'm that down), it just helps me clear my mind.

    by the way, I know it may feel that way but I believe in my heart what you have done has helped her tremendously. Hugs.
  9. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    1, I walk around doing everything I am supposed to be doing while humming the song oooo, oooo child, things are gonna get easier, ooo oooo child, things will get brighter.

    2, I stand outside alone on my back deck, cry or soak up the nature, take a deep breath, then another and another, sometimes I'm out there an hour before I can make myself go back inside and deal with everyone.

    3 On a particularly bad day, I'll allow myself a drink after the kids go to bed.

    4 I have a calender in my mind with everyone's 18th birthday on it. This one is an illusion, like it will really be over at 18, but it is a very helpful one for me in the here and now.
  10. Stella

    Stella New Member

    Sorry you are feeling so low Nancy and I can also emphatize with this feeling. Some times it lasts an hour, sometimes a day..a year...

    What I do is acknowledge the feeling of saddness, disappointment ,despair etc and ALLOW myself to feel that way. I listen to music that I love, soft, sad music, go to bed, allow myself to think but I only allow myself to do that for so long. Then it's a matter of literally forcing myselft to get out of bed, go for a walk, read, write, spend time with friends, watch a funny movie, listen to upbeat music, keep busy, distract yourself. Basically what i try and do is deal with it then force myself to move on from it. It's too easy to get stuck in the rut and before you know it a year has gone by.

    You are not just difficult child'S mom. You are a person too and deserve to be happy.

  11. ML

    ML Guest

    A couple of things come to mind. First is what you already did. Come to your CD family and share and receive tons of validation and love.

    I also find it helpful to have alone time, commune with nature (walk in the mountains or by a lake), paint my toenails, call a friend and last but not least, pray. I ask my higher power to take the problem and try hard not to take it back.

    Thinking about you and sending you thoughts of healing. ML
  12. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Nancy - I just don't have the answer. Gosh, I wish I did. Around here, it's just one baby step at a time, and keeping a really tight rein on my emotions. If I let go, I'm truly afraid I may never stop.

    I still don't know how we got to this point. I don't know if there can be closure because it just doesn't end. I guess there's not supposed to be closure on motherhood, but.... I just don't know.

    I can only send you many gentle hugs. I know it's not helpful at this stage to know others are in the same boat, but you really are not alone. I do understand.

    Our children's capacity for inflicting pain is breathtaking.
  13. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Sending ((((Hugs)))))

    I am sorry that you are feeling so disheartened today....

    I will send some extra support and strength your way.

  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    For me it has always been "the unexpected" that has brought the deep pain that a glass of Cutty or a pack of cigarettes (10+ years ago and before) just couldn't reach. I think we allow ourselves to be optimistic about the aspects that are going along normally and even though we know better, we chill out a bit almost forgetting that "normal" is not a true difficult child.

    I don't know which Godawful event has knocked you off target but I am sorry it happened. You've fought back before. I know you can again. It is a heck of a life. Hugs. DDD
  15. Wishing

    Wishing New Member

    Thanks for your posting. I was feeling this the other day when I couldn't get thru to difficult child and then I said the wrong thing-downward spiral. Today he is happy going off to his last day of college classes. When he is happy and talks nice to me I'm ecstatic. He also said today his statistics teacher told the class they can retake the final as many times as they want to get the grade they want.He is retaking it again on Monday his 3rd take.
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I wish I had your answers.

    For me, when I feel this way, I just focus on putting one foot in front of the other for a while. Sometimes, its all I can do.
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you this morning.

    I used to laugh when I was feeling so low and just at the point when it really couldn't get much worse.
    Each morning I would think or say to whomever, "well at least that day is over, let's get this one over with".
    Yesterday is over, let's get today over...

    Even if you just come here and laugh at us. I hope you can find something to smile about today.
  18. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, I think the hardest part of being a parent of a difficult child is the fact that we are all changed, forever. We will never be the person we were before we became parents of a difficult child.

    Since we are different we have to find a way to live as the new us. I struggle some days to find the happiness or even some good in the day. Sometimes I just fake it and pretend it is a good day.

    Now that our difficult children are older. I think it is important to find a bit of ourselves again. We reinvent once again. It is a struggle and it is work. The new us must include the ability to not take our difficult children choices personally.

  19. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I have these moments.
    husband has them at times...they are less intense and very brief.
    It is hard to wrap our heads around the idea of permanent.
    For me, it is very hard 'cause I thought I could "fix" this.
    Going to FA meetings has helped husband and I.
    We've only been to two.
    Doesn't even totally apply to us...difficult child...thank you G-d...doesn't seem to be a drug user (crossing myself repeatedly here...I'm most grateful for this).
    However, inappropraite...impulsive behaviors similar to one come out and come out often.
    When they don't...we are always hopeful that it will remain that way....then the roller coaster starts up again and again and again...YOU KNOW.
    Folks at this Families Anon. mtg we visited have been going for tweny years. Some have children/adult children doing well now. They still go. Why? Cause they remember and APPRECIATE the support they got there during horrid times.
    Some still go 'cause things ain't right and it is the only place they can get support. Only place they can get HONESTY and truth.
    You might want to check one out. The literature is awesome!
    More specific to your questions...
    what do I do...where do I go....
    1. husband and I talk
    2. I call a friend who as been there.
    3. Sometimes I call my therapist.
    4. I read uplifting literature
    5. I keep myself busy...preoccupied...redirected
    6. Pray...give it to my Higher Power

    The last two are very powerful. I hope this helps.
  20. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your suggestions and understanding so welcome. I found myself yesterday driving around, crying, trying to figure out where to go or what to do. I mean where does a mom go when she has to leave her house because she knows if she stays there one more minute she will explode, I mean really lose it. There is no place to go, there should be a place for people to go to just chill. I don't want to go to a bar and the library isn't very good when you are crying and have trouble breathing.

    I did finally go to the park and take a long walk until it started pouring.

    Tomorrow is senior prom. Any joy that should have come with helping/watching your daughter go through the preparations for prom has been destroyed. Actually there never was any joy in this event. There hasn't been much joy in anything dealing with her lately.

    In 36 days she will turn 18 and I just won't live like this any longer. It's like a race, a very very long race, and when you finally see the finish line, it moves. Well I'm not going to let that finish line move.

    Thanks everyone for your support.