What do you say to your Difficult Child when...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, Jan 19, 2016.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    ...they recover from (I'm assuming he's going to, this time) a crystal meth overdose?

    Hi, it's your fairweather friend, blackgnat. Just woke up to an email from his ex girlfriend's ma. Sayng she had just taken him to the ER because he'd overdosed on crystal meth and had been throwing up all day. She said he was in pretty bad shape. The email had been written at 1:50 this morning.

    Anyone who recognizes my user name knows my story-it's the same as a lot of your stories. If I posted all the shenanigans, I'd never be off the computer, but in the last month he'd been in and out of psychiatric wards, back on the streets, had a HORRENDOUS bad trip on crystal meth that convinced him (haha, I believed him!) he'd never do it again, back to his doctor, on new medications, great schedule, realistic possibility that he could get into a great program even BEFORE March. Things are looking up! Attitudes are sharpened, positive, almost hopeful! Goes to "the mountains" near Boulder (when he's beefing about not even being able to stay warm in the city) with some "buddies" and don't hear from him for 5 days. Comes back, sounds great. Ready to set the wheels in motion today, with the help of exgfs' ma , who has all his papers.

    Then this.

    So IF he is okay, do I rip him a new arsehole? Because that's what I want to do. Give him a stern talking to? Well, that's never worked before. Tell him how much I love him and am so glad he's alive? Well, THAT hasn't made a damn bit of difference because he's not thinking about ME when he's doing meth. Tell him goodbye, son , I don't know if you'll make it next time?
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2016
  2. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    And I had just sent him the second half of his Xmas and birthday money (which wasn't much, but enough to get him what he wants, apparently and that WASN'T a new backpack/sleeping bag, etc) . He had told me "Don't send it all at once, ma, because I don't just want to blow straight through it". He even gave his food stamp money to the mountain buddies for the privilege of staying there aka helping to buy the drugs I'm sure they did...

    I'm such a fricking idiot.
  3. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Don't say anything beyond what you normally would. When he asks for money, tell him "I love you, but no." When he asks why not, look at him quizzically and simply say "Seriously???". Then ignore his tirade.

    Yeah, sounds easy doesn't it? And you're not an idiot, you're a parent. We tend to believe their BS long after no one else does. Its part of unconditional love. Just remember that detachment is a lot like perfection. You never TRULY achieve it, you just eventually get to a point where you're satisfied with the outcome.
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  4. 4now

    4now Member

    I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm in a similar situation my son also OD on meth this weekend. It is a never ending nightmare. I have no words of wisdom just wanted to offer my prayers and support that you are not alone. It is so sad to live this way.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry to read this update. I imagine your emotions are all over the place - anger, fear, frustration.

    I think you say whatever you need to say .. for YOU. If that means getting angry, so be it. If that means crying, so be it. You know by now that whatever you say isn't likely to be any sort of catalyst for him (which is depressing, I know) -- but that doesn't mean you shouldn't say it just to get it off your chest.

    Hopefully they'll keep him a few days, and maybe assist with getting him inpatient somewhere? Thinking of you ... hugs. Please keep us posted.
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Nothing you say will make a dfferece to him...you are not going to convince him into recovery. The question really is if he is ready to get help for his addiction. If he is not then he is not and nothing you say matters. If he is ready then your love and support can be helpful.

    So I would tell him you love him and are glad he is alive and see what he does next.

    Hugs this is an awful journey we are all on.
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  7. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    I agree with toughlovin. Our words seem to fall on deaf ears, or worse, they do the complete opposite to spite us. They feel that as parents we just want to "control" them so anything we say is seen as such. Me personally, I have only gone through that level of trauma once (so far) and jumped through hoops, trying to say the right things, "get through," and get her back on track.

    Ask me what I would do if it happened again today? I would go see her (for my own piece of mind), tell her I love her, and glad she had pulled through. That's it.

    Ask me when it actually happens again (and it probably will), and I don't know. Too easy to armchair quarterback and be tough in hindsight. Harder to be tough when in the middle of it and fear, love, guilt and all those other emotions take over. I HOPE I can stay tough. I hope that for us all.
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh blackgnat, Let me first start by sending you a really ((BIG HUG))

    I have found with my son that a stern talking to only falls on deaf ears and makes him angry. They don't want to hear it and will tune us out.
    I think a simple "I love you and am glad you are ok" is enough.

    No, you are not. You are a parent who cares about her son. That makes you a loving person not an idiot.

    Dear sweet friend, there is no right or wrong in all of this. We each do what we feel is best at the time. Does it bite in the behind sometimes? Absolutely!! We have all been there. Each episode is another layer in our journey, another lesson for us to glean from.

    I am so glad you posted and shared what is going on. We are always here for you.

    Hang in there BG!!
    • Like Like x 4
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  9. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    Blackgnat, I am sorry you are going through this. I agree that what we say to our d c s falls on deaf ears. I think an I love you and am glad you are alive are enough.

  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    blackgnat, I came to see if there was an update.. hope your son is ok, and that YOU are ok. Check in when you can!
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi BG, I am so sorry for this, all of it......meth is a horrible thing.
    If your son is anything like my Rain, there is already an opinion formulated in his meth affected mind about people who don't do meth and anything they have to say about it, i.e. their parents who care.
    Short and sweet is best. Just "I love you."
    I have found anything that I say will be twisted into something....wrong.
    My long thoughts and worries, I save for CD, and prayers.
    Especially after my last encounter. SIGH.

    This is the hardest thing known to man, to have an adult child brain-napped and ravaged by drugs.

    Hang in there fellow warrior, we got your back, whether you post often or not......my heart goes out to you, you are not alone.

  12. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, this pretty much sums it up with an addict.
  13. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I think you say what YOU need to say, with no expectation of whether or not it will have an effect on him. Sorry if too harsh, but it probably won't, if it hasn't yet. He isn't ready. Nothing you say is going to "make" him ready. What do YOU need to know you have said to him, for your own peace of mind?