What do you tell your easy child

[threebabygirls]

when your difficult child demands so much of your time/attention? My 8 y.o. has started asking me why difficult child's "ruining our lives," and has said a few times over the past couple weeks she wishes difficult child were never born. I've tried explaining difficult child can't help it, but that's not a concept a child can grasp. Due to her various activities and school schedule, she has not been free to go to difficult child's therapy sessions; this week works out that the whole family can go. I'm going to ask the therapist to try to explain it for easy child 1 and easy child 2, since I'm at a loss for words.

husband and I also have stepped up the individualized attention with each of the three. For instance, easy child 1 went to my mom's for the weekend, just her, for some one-on-one time with her favorite grandparent. Yesterday, difficult child worked outside alongside husband and brother in law as they did outside work. While she was outside, I spent time with easy child 2.

 

[JJJ]

Basically, they will understand as they get older. You are doing a great job with giving each easy child some special attention. I try to give my easy child at least one activity that is hers and none of my difficult child's can be involved. It gives her a place where she isn't know as "those crazy kids' sister". The 1:1 attention helps alot too.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Frankly, I don't know how you moms of one than more kid (with a difficult child thrown in the mix) do it.

In my home, it is just Tink and me. And I can hardly handle that.

SO sorry that your PCs are having a hard time. I think it is a good idea to see if the doctor will talk with them.

Hugs to you.

 

[susiestar]

They understand it more as they get older. Working on giving each child some one on one attention is a help. Also having a family attitude/atmosphere that we help each other as needed helps.

with my pcs there have been times when they needed more attention and I use that to help explain that each of us needs more of whatever sometimes.

As the younger sis of a difficult child I can tell you that some of it will just be hard.

 

[Wiped Out]

Therapy is a good idea and maybe even more than just the family therapy. We have easy child see a therapist to help her deal with having a difficult child brother. It helps some. Even though she is 15 she still struggles with it. I'm hoping as she grows older she will understand more.

Also you are on the right track trying to give her some individual time.

 

[threebabygirls]

Thank you all. My mom has suggested getting easy child 1 her own therapy as difficult child's and her conflicts have really intensified this summer. I mean, they've always clashed, but this summer is worse than ever. It's not been very pleasant, to say the least. I'm counting down the days until school starts (21 as of 8/4).

 

[sabrah]

My 11 aerold easy child fell apart this year due to the stress of 2 difficult children, it recently occured to me the therapist my son ignores each week may be better working with the easy child 11 yr old. I feel like I have ptsd symptoms from all the years of 13 yr difficult child, imagine how the little sibs must feel

 

[timer lady]

Along with therapy, we have a program here for siblings of difficult children. It gives the sibs a break from all the "little antics" our difficult children pull.

They have picnics & outings to the zoo; as the kids get older there are outings to the mall & movies.

As I've had 2 difficult children all along, I never got a chance to utilize it. Check in your area to see if there is such a program.

 

[nvts]

Linda's right about "sibs of difficult child groups". Ask your therapist or the OMRDD office.

Basically, I explained everything to difficult child 1 about "difficulties" when an autistic child in his class was bullying him. When I spoke with the school counselor, she let it "slip" that the child had high-functioning autism. I sat difficult child 1 down and explained that the child had problems with sensory issues and that when difficult child made certain sounds (this kid and his brother difficult child 2 could be the guy from the Police Academy movies!) it could be setting the other child off. Then I told him about sensory issues, we discussed the ones he has and then told him "imagine things that you see, hear, feel, smell or even taste bugging you ALL OF THE TIME".

He sat there and thought for a minute and said "I feel really bad for him".

Wow! Empathy from difficult child 1, I never thought I'd see the day!

The next time that the young man from his class had an issue with difficult child, difficult child turned to him and said "I'd like to be friends with you, and I didn't realize that the things I do bother you so much. I'm really sorry if I was hurting you". The kid then poured his heart out to difficult child and told him all of the things that could "drive him crazy" and thanked him for understanding! You'd NEVER know that they had problems by the maturity of the conversation.

I'd say, just explain it as "different wiring" and let your easy child ask as many questions as possible. difficult child 3's anxiety issues are TOTALLY associated with difficult child 1's difficulties. 6 mos. of therapy and she's a different kid.

Good luck!

Beth

 

[janebrain]

Well, the good thing is that easy child is expressing herself. My difficult child 2 (really should change that to easy child 2) kept everything inside, just tried not to cause any trouble and be the "perfect child." I was so engulfed in difficult child 1's problems that I was just relieved that difficult child 2 was doing so well. I found out when she hit puberty that she was not doing well at all and she has been in therapy now for 4 years. In our case there was physical and emotional abuse going on as well that I knew nothing about so difficult child 2 really felt trapped. She started dissociating to cope with her life.

I think your mom is right--you should get easy child into therapy so she can learn how to cope with difficult child and if you can validate her feelings about her sister that would be great. If she is allowed to have those negative feelings (and who wouldn't?) she may not have to suppress them, leading to more problems down the road.

Jane

 

[butterflydreams]

I have gone through this as well with my difficult child and my easy child. easy child quite frequently when difficult child was at his worse and lashing out at her as well, would blurt out that difficult child was ruining her life.

Her therapist works with her on this and her detachment from him during this time.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Therapy for your easy child is a good idea. My easy child resents therapy at this point and sees it as one more thing that she HAS to do because of difficult children but it does give her a time and place to get her stuff out. Also when I am doing something for her it is about her. It is different here now with all the kids in different places but when we were together it was just a matter of making sure time was spent with easy child just for easy child. Even if a difficult child was having a melt down to try and get the attention or for any other reason. They just had to wait sometimes. Not an easy task but sounds like you have the right idea going.

hugs
beth

 

[witzend]

I think I would look into some private therapy for easy child, and/or private therapy for you and easy child together, to help him come to terms with what are in fact a very adult concepts - altruism and sense of self. Life isn't written in stone, and this isn't the way it will always be. It may get worse or it may get better. But it's the right thing to do for difficult child and for your family. Hopefully, together, you can figure out what the right thing to do for easy child is, as well. They don't have to be divergent. You're family.

Big hugs to all of you.

 

[threebabygirls]

I can't express how much everyone's support means to me. Every time I visit this site, I feel like weeping in relief because I'm NOT ALONE. Thanks so much, again.