What do you think?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by upallnight, Jan 24, 2007.

  1. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Hi, You know I have a restraining order barring difficult child from my house and easy child's school. I think I may remove it. He seems to be doing ok, he works, he is about to move ito an apt. with a friend from work. I know he is still a difficult child, but at the time- difficult child didn't have a job and didn't have the motivation to do right for himself. I have been heartbroken this entire time, however it was worse when he was here. Right now I feel like he has money to live, alot of his energy is spent at work so I am guessing he will not be so full of pent up energy and anger (hoping). I feel like we need to heal as a family. I can just try it out, and always get another one if I have to. Right? I'm on the fence, I thought I would see what you think. Thank you.-Alyssa
  2. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I think you have to do what you feel is right for you and your family. Every situation is different and I know with my difficult child, when he is doing well my limitations change. Maybe that will help him advance in a positive direction even more when he see's that he is rewarded for changing negative things in his life. Just be careful not to let your guard down to quickly and be sure you take action immediatley if he starts going back the other direction. I would be very clear with him what you are doing and why, and let him know how fast you can change if he does.
    What does your husband think of this idea?? I think that is the most important thing because this is a huge decision. You need to make sure you are both in full agreement with whatever way you decide to proceed with this.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I agree with Karen, Alyssa. Safety is critical.

    How long has difficult child been maintaining?

    Has it been long enough to develop a track record for how he is dealing with stress now as opposed to then?

    Have you changed the locks to your home since he left so he doesn't have access when you're not there?

    Is there a safety plan for easy child in case you need it in the future?

    Like Karen asked, does husband agree? Unity is critical here.

    When my ex and I separated I was terrified of Rob finding out where I lived. He was unstable, and squirrelly, and scary. It took a full 6 months for me to give him my address (he had my phone number all along but my address was not listed with the phone company)....and even longer before I would be alone with him. When we saw each other it was in his town, not mine.

    As you can see, I err on the side of precaution.....too many years of getting (proverbially) kicked in the teeth by difficult child.

    Fortunately, most decisions can be changed as situations change. Best of luck with your decision!

  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Yeah, I did forget to add in change your locks. This way he can only come over when you are there and he is invited!!
  5. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Well he didn't have a key. The kids get in when we are not home by a combination and we changed that. Also we installed cameras on the outside front, and back and inside in two places that record all four simultaneously for protetion. husband is respectful of my decisions in this manner-he understands even though he does talk to difficult child about once a week. difficult child got a job in the summer, lived in a rooming house for a while and is about to move into an apt. I feel like I want to have everything fine, but who knows? These steps are improvments on his life since 9/05 where he had no job and a very bad attitude-and was disruptive and etc... But I feel uncertain yet hopeful for the future. Am I too impatient?. I think I 'll have to talk to him before I make a decision and see from the conversation.