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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 694265" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Only you can decide, New Leaf. Whether or not you are strong enough and what is right for you.</p><p></p><p>I will speak for myself here: I have decided and I keep deciding despite back falls that I want to support my son to change if he chooses and I do not lose sight (often) that it is his choice and responsibility, his life. I think that is our hook, when we accept either responsibility or blame. I see you as strong in not accepting responsibility. I see you as more vulnerable around blame. That is why she uses it against you--because it works.</p><p></p><p>I would not be pressured by Blossom. She is free to know herself what to do and to do it. This is your responsibility to decide for yourself, but unmotivated by guilt.</p><p></p><p>I understand Blosson's view: that her father would have wanted his family united and would want the family to love Rain and to do what they could do so that she did not feel alone in the world or have to struggle alone. From everything you have written about your husband it sounds like his sense of family and family responsibility was, very very strong and he loved his family a great deal. It sounds like Blossom is representing well what her Dad would have wanted.</p><p></p><p>But on the other hand, what he wanted and needed was in collision sometimes with what are your own needs. Nobody can do or should do what they cannot do. To do otherwise is to do wrong, because we will not be able to stand and to take responsibility if we cannot own and complete the promise we make. By taking on a thing--and being unable to complete it or unwilling to do so--we harm ourselves and risk harming the other.</p><p></p><p>That is the struggle I am having with my son, I think. I think sometimes I am beyond my depth. M pushes me forward and I struggle and fail myself--until I can find my footing. I do and then I recommit. But right now you are standing alone without the support of anybody, really, in shouldering the pains and aches and needs of those you love. So there is risk, for you and for Rain, should you be unable to tolerate contact with her.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps there is a middle ground: Going with somebody you trust. Maybe somebody in the extended family, around whom she may call upon her best.</p><p></p><p>Bringing her canned food. Hugging her and telling her you love her. And leaving. Just a baby step. As you say. To offer her hope, and you too. For more, someday. What I would not do is in any way get involved in advocating or pushing for her to get treatment. Not at this point, where there is doubt and pain and shame. She will turn on you, I think. She knows what she needs to do.</p><p></p><p>But the risk in this is that she use you as her whipping boy--that she use your vulnerability, your step to make yourself vulnerable as a way to put into you, her own suffering and vulnerability--by blaming you and lashing out. I would fear that. She has shown that she can go there, however much we can understand this and forgive it.</p><p></p><p>Maybe you could make up a basket, for Blossom to bring: with food and cream and soap and some gift certificates for McDonalds and stuff you know she loves, whatever it is. Or put it in a nice new tote bag. And a beautiful letter that sings your love and hope. With a picture of her father, maybe with her, too. And tell her when she is ready, you are there. That maybe at a time of her and your choosing you can meet, when she can do it.</p><p></p><p>That way you are putting the responsibility and the choice on her. Because if she chooses, she will be making the implicit promise that she will come to you not to rage or blame, but to be with you to create a future. And if she reneges on this implicit promise she will bear the responsibility for having chosen wrongly, not you.</p><p></p><p>Your decision is to decide what you can do. Safely. For her and for you. And for the entire family, too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 694265, member: 18958"] Only you can decide, New Leaf. Whether or not you are strong enough and what is right for you. I will speak for myself here: I have decided and I keep deciding despite back falls that I want to support my son to change if he chooses and I do not lose sight (often) that it is his choice and responsibility, his life. I think that is our hook, when we accept either responsibility or blame. I see you as strong in not accepting responsibility. I see you as more vulnerable around blame. That is why she uses it against you--because it works. I would not be pressured by Blossom. She is free to know herself what to do and to do it. This is your responsibility to decide for yourself, but unmotivated by guilt. I understand Blosson's view: that her father would have wanted his family united and would want the family to love Rain and to do what they could do so that she did not feel alone in the world or have to struggle alone. From everything you have written about your husband it sounds like his sense of family and family responsibility was, very very strong and he loved his family a great deal. It sounds like Blossom is representing well what her Dad would have wanted. But on the other hand, what he wanted and needed was in collision sometimes with what are your own needs. Nobody can do or should do what they cannot do. To do otherwise is to do wrong, because we will not be able to stand and to take responsibility if we cannot own and complete the promise we make. By taking on a thing--and being unable to complete it or unwilling to do so--we harm ourselves and risk harming the other. That is the struggle I am having with my son, I think. I think sometimes I am beyond my depth. M pushes me forward and I struggle and fail myself--until I can find my footing. I do and then I recommit. But right now you are standing alone without the support of anybody, really, in shouldering the pains and aches and needs of those you love. So there is risk, for you and for Rain, should you be unable to tolerate contact with her. Perhaps there is a middle ground: Going with somebody you trust. Maybe somebody in the extended family, around whom she may call upon her best. Bringing her canned food. Hugging her and telling her you love her. And leaving. Just a baby step. As you say. To offer her hope, and you too. For more, someday. What I would not do is in any way get involved in advocating or pushing for her to get treatment. Not at this point, where there is doubt and pain and shame. She will turn on you, I think. She knows what she needs to do. But the risk in this is that she use you as her whipping boy--that she use your vulnerability, your step to make yourself vulnerable as a way to put into you, her own suffering and vulnerability--by blaming you and lashing out. I would fear that. She has shown that she can go there, however much we can understand this and forgive it. Maybe you could make up a basket, for Blossom to bring: with food and cream and soap and some gift certificates for McDonalds and stuff you know she loves, whatever it is. Or put it in a nice new tote bag. And a beautiful letter that sings your love and hope. With a picture of her father, maybe with her, too. And tell her when she is ready, you are there. That maybe at a time of her and your choosing you can meet, when she can do it. That way you are putting the responsibility and the choice on her. Because if she chooses, she will be making the implicit promise that she will come to you not to rage or blame, but to be with you to create a future. And if she reneges on this implicit promise she will bear the responsibility for having chosen wrongly, not you. Your decision is to decide what you can do. Safely. For her and for you. And for the entire family, too. [/QUOTE]
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