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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 694339" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>This is true, Kalahou. It is Blossom taking the initiative, this is something she wants to see happen. I am thinking of Rains sudden marriage years past to an immigrant with no papers. I was skeptical and protective, seeing red flags. Blossom said "Can't you just be happy for her? She is happy." I tried, but I felt my job as her mother was to speak up. I didn't harp or nag, just mentioned my reservations and concern. Of course, that did not go over well. Unfortunately the marriage was a fail in every which way, he was a terrible husband, just wanted his papers and put Rain and all of us through a hellish ride......I am sad that my intuition was true, and the whole fiasco of this "relationship" did end up pushing Rain over the edge. Blossoms words echo...."can't you just be happy for her......" intertwined with the whole "meet her half way". I have gone more than half way and then some, to no avail. It has always been thrown back in my face.</p><p> This is what my gut feeling is. I must truthfully tell you that in the back of my head is a nagging little voice that says "what if something happens to her......"</p><p> I will think on this. The written word can always get misconstrued, read the wrong way between the lines. It has been happening with any communication for a long time now, anything I say gets twisted around somehow. Hubs told me that last altercation Rain and I had a few months ago "Just don't even talk to her, there is no sense to that, anything you say just triggers her." He also said that she was an addict, plain and simple and that her drug use may never change. He was willing to live with that, wash her clothes, have her shower, fix a meal, maybe even gave her money, I don't know. All I know is that I became her enemy somehow. That hurts a lot. But, it is because I will not accept this meth life she has chosen. I didn't want her to come to the house and just take whatever she wanted, then disappear like a zombie only to show up again as she pleased. It was too much. It<em> is</em> too much. I feel like <em>meeting her halfway</em> is an open invitation to that.</p><p> Yes, she is and who could blame her? Of course it is what we all want, for the drama and chaos to end, for Rain and Tornado and the grands. For us to be able to have a tight family, not the schisms that drugs have ripped through our ohana. That is not something any of us have any control over, unfortunately. At this point, I don't feel my reaching out to them will make a difference, <em>especially if they are not moved by their own conscience to change their lifestyle. </em>They have lost their father, what more does life have to show them, for them to see the desperation of their choices? For them to know that life is entirely too short?</p><p> Oh, Albie, you don't have to apologize. I wrote this hoping for honest opinions and appreciate different perspectives that I can ruminate over. I understand where Blossom is coming from, I do, but she will have to understand my feelings on this matter.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Albie, truly. It is written from your heart and I am grateful for your words. It is a hard road we are all on, our hearts are so torn. I am sometimes wondering if I have swung to far to the other side, in self protect mode. I do not want to grow cold. I am not cold, it has just been too many years of this.</p><p>Tomorrow we are going on an early trek to hubs resting place, the beach he so loved. Blossom is bringing Rain, so I <em>will see her</em>. I think that is okay. I honestly don't think I could stand going to the park where she lives. That will have to do for now. If we have family outings and Blossom brings Rain, so be it. I will hug her tight and tell her I love her.</p><p>Thank you SS. I have often thought that myself. That I would <em>know by her actions.</em> I think that Blossom has a sense of urgency due to her dad passing so suddenly and unexpectedly. I would hate for anything to happen to any of my children, but the thought for my two is there in the back of my mind more so because of their choices. I am sure this is true for many of us. The fear of <em>that phone call</em>.</p><p>None of us got to say goodbye to hubs, to tell him how much we loved him. This motivates me to ponder on the notion of having some<em> limited </em>contact. Just to be able to tell them <em>how much I love them</em>. How to find the balance and protect the heart is the conundrum. </p><p> I am so sorry for the pain of this, Seeking. I know how hard this is, and it is<em> exactly</em> my experience as well. We are such easy marks,<em> targeted. </em>How it hurts to get ones hopes up to be dashed and twisted. I am tired of it. Really and truly. Trust issues, not just for theft of property, but for fear of a broken heart. How many, many months I have spent here, typing out my feelings, responding to others in a similar predicament, it is a repetition to myself, to remind myself to stand firm and strong, to be guarded. I don't want to spend the rest of my life bereft and broken due to the choices of my two.</p><p>This is true. For Blossom, it is the disappointment. She lived it vicariously through the tales of woe spoken, not so much firsthand, as she was on her own with her family.Not to say that she has not been affected, of course she has. Before her dad passed, she had pretty much detached completely, and was very angry at her sisters actions and words as well as the fact that she was missing through much of hubs illness. I think his passing has spurred her towards trying to "help" Rain, to reach out to her. I am glad for this. I hope it works. Only time will tell.</p><p> This is what I fear. The extreme hurt on top of everything I am already going through. I have to keep my head straight and focus on my son, myself. I have to start anew, learn to live all over <em>on my own</em>. I have to figure out how we are going to make it work, not just getting over this huge chasm, this loss. In every which way, mentally, physically and financially. It is exhausting thinking about it.<em> I do not need to add to that. </em></p><p> I do so appreciate your thoughts. You have been at this for a long haul as well. It is draining. It is a sad fact when a parent has to take protective measures from the wanton sting of an addicted adult child. Darkwing writes of it not being <em>intentional</em>, that it is the drugs that drive the acts. Still, that fact does not alleviate the grief suffered.</p><p>I do believe that Rain will find a way. Right now, that way for me will be rehab. That is my sign that she is ready to make a change. One word that Darkwing mentions....... <em>humility. </em>That would be a <em>huge indicator. </em>Even then, it would take some time for me to believe it.</p><p>This time though, I shall have to set <em>my terms.</em> Blossom will have to understand that at this juncture, I am protecting myself with a large shield of been there, done that. It is not only because of what has transpired in the recent past, I am painfully aware of how vulnerable I am now.</p><p>I do not want to fall prey to anyone, <em>least of all my adult children.</em></p><p><em>Thank you all so very much for your responses. </em></p><p>There is much sorrow in the circumstances that brought us here to CD, yet still, you are all truly shining lights on a cold dark night, a kind and understanding shoulder to lean on, a loving voice that soothes the soul like a warm cup of tea. </p><p>I am forever grateful for your time and help.</p><p>Mahalo nui</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 694339, member: 19522"] This is true, Kalahou. It is Blossom taking the initiative, this is something she wants to see happen. I am thinking of Rains sudden marriage years past to an immigrant with no papers. I was skeptical and protective, seeing red flags. Blossom said "Can't you just be happy for her? She is happy." I tried, but I felt my job as her mother was to speak up. I didn't harp or nag, just mentioned my reservations and concern. Of course, that did not go over well. Unfortunately the marriage was a fail in every which way, he was a terrible husband, just wanted his papers and put Rain and all of us through a hellish ride......I am sad that my intuition was true, and the whole fiasco of this "relationship" did end up pushing Rain over the edge. Blossoms words echo...."can't you just be happy for her......" intertwined with the whole "meet her half way". I have gone more than half way and then some, to no avail. It has always been thrown back in my face. This is what my gut feeling is. I must truthfully tell you that in the back of my head is a nagging little voice that says "what if something happens to her......" I will think on this. The written word can always get misconstrued, read the wrong way between the lines. It has been happening with any communication for a long time now, anything I say gets twisted around somehow. Hubs told me that last altercation Rain and I had a few months ago "Just don't even talk to her, there is no sense to that, anything you say just triggers her." He also said that she was an addict, plain and simple and that her drug use may never change. He was willing to live with that, wash her clothes, have her shower, fix a meal, maybe even gave her money, I don't know. All I know is that I became her enemy somehow. That hurts a lot. But, it is because I will not accept this meth life she has chosen. I didn't want her to come to the house and just take whatever she wanted, then disappear like a zombie only to show up again as she pleased. It was too much. It[I] is[/I] too much. I feel like [I]meeting her halfway[/I] is an open invitation to that. Yes, she is and who could blame her? Of course it is what we all want, for the drama and chaos to end, for Rain and Tornado and the grands. For us to be able to have a tight family, not the schisms that drugs have ripped through our ohana. That is not something any of us have any control over, unfortunately. At this point, I don't feel my reaching out to them will make a difference, [I]especially if they are not moved by their own conscience to change their lifestyle. [/I]They have lost their father, what more does life have to show them, for them to see the desperation of their choices? For them to know that life is entirely too short? Oh, Albie, you don't have to apologize. I wrote this hoping for honest opinions and appreciate different perspectives that I can ruminate over. I understand where Blossom is coming from, I do, but she will have to understand my feelings on this matter. Thank you Albie, truly. It is written from your heart and I am grateful for your words. It is a hard road we are all on, our hearts are so torn. I am sometimes wondering if I have swung to far to the other side, in self protect mode. I do not want to grow cold. I am not cold, it has just been too many years of this. Tomorrow we are going on an early trek to hubs resting place, the beach he so loved. Blossom is bringing Rain, so I [I]will see her[/I]. I think that is okay. I honestly don't think I could stand going to the park where she lives. That will have to do for now. If we have family outings and Blossom brings Rain, so be it. I will hug her tight and tell her I love her. Thank you SS. I have often thought that myself. That I would [I]know by her actions.[/I] I think that Blossom has a sense of urgency due to her dad passing so suddenly and unexpectedly. I would hate for anything to happen to any of my children, but the thought for my two is there in the back of my mind more so because of their choices. I am sure this is true for many of us. The fear of [I]that phone call[/I]. None of us got to say goodbye to hubs, to tell him how much we loved him. This motivates me to ponder on the notion of having some[I] limited [/I]contact. Just to be able to tell them [I]how much I love them[/I]. How to find the balance and protect the heart is the conundrum. I am so sorry for the pain of this, Seeking. I know how hard this is, and it is[I] exactly[/I] my experience as well. We are such easy marks,[I] targeted. [/I]How it hurts to get ones hopes up to be dashed and twisted. I am tired of it. Really and truly. Trust issues, not just for theft of property, but for fear of a broken heart. How many, many months I have spent here, typing out my feelings, responding to others in a similar predicament, it is a repetition to myself, to remind myself to stand firm and strong, to be guarded. I don't want to spend the rest of my life bereft and broken due to the choices of my two. This is true. For Blossom, it is the disappointment. She lived it vicariously through the tales of woe spoken, not so much firsthand, as she was on her own with her family.Not to say that she has not been affected, of course she has. Before her dad passed, she had pretty much detached completely, and was very angry at her sisters actions and words as well as the fact that she was missing through much of hubs illness. I think his passing has spurred her towards trying to "help" Rain, to reach out to her. I am glad for this. I hope it works. Only time will tell. This is what I fear. The extreme hurt on top of everything I am already going through. I have to keep my head straight and focus on my son, myself. I have to start anew, learn to live all over [I]on my own[/I]. I have to figure out how we are going to make it work, not just getting over this huge chasm, this loss. In every which way, mentally, physically and financially. It is exhausting thinking about it.[I] I do not need to add to that. [/I] I do so appreciate your thoughts. You have been at this for a long haul as well. It is draining. It is a sad fact when a parent has to take protective measures from the wanton sting of an addicted adult child. Darkwing writes of it not being [I]intentional[/I], that it is the drugs that drive the acts. Still, that fact does not alleviate the grief suffered. I do believe that Rain will find a way. Right now, that way for me will be rehab. That is my sign that she is ready to make a change. One word that Darkwing mentions....... [I]humility. [/I]That would be a [I]huge indicator. [/I]Even then, it would take some time for me to believe it. This time though, I shall have to set [I]my terms.[/I] Blossom will have to understand that at this juncture, I am protecting myself with a large shield of been there, done that. It is not only because of what has transpired in the recent past, I am painfully aware of how vulnerable I am now. I do not want to fall prey to anyone, [I]least of all my adult children. Thank you all so very much for your responses. [/I] There is much sorrow in the circumstances that brought us here to CD, yet still, you are all truly shining lights on a cold dark night, a kind and understanding shoulder to lean on, a loving voice that soothes the soul like a warm cup of tea. I am forever grateful for your time and help. Mahalo nui Leafy [/QUOTE]
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