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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 694374" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Yes. Her's and his was a beautiful story.</p><p></p><p>There is a difference that leaps out at me. First, J, the son, was very young. While I do not remember how long he had been homeless and out there with drug use, it was not like with Rain. Rain is your oldest, I know. I do not know how old but I believe she is well over 30, almost double's J's age, who was little more than a boy. Rain has been out there for years and years.</p><p></p><p>Yes she is sweet. But life has cast her into an extreme and enduring position. She can change but her walk back will take time, commitment and the willingness on her part to humble herself. Has she shown that? However much you surely do have a part in this (we all do), it cannot be you who walks to her. She must begin and then come some more before it is clear that she is committed to changing.</p><p></p><p>JMom's son was young and sweet. I believe she believed he was vulnerable. While she was hurt, she never seemed afraid. And then there is JMOM's job. She is a cop. While work is different, she is trained and accustomed to be out there, to contain and guard her emotions. </p><p></p><p>I get Rain and Tornado mixed up sometimes. I remember the one who was mad in the hospital. And I remember the daughter who kept showing up at the house and your land. Maybe this is Tornado, not Rain. And then the caution of her trying to hurt or berate you, is not warranted--if Rain does not do so.</p><p></p><p>But New Leaf, you are newly widowed. How much can you take? How much can you ask of yourself, really? What do you really have to offer and to freely give, <em>right now</em>? </p><p></p><p>Yes, she is your daughter but this makes it harder, not easier. And all the more, it gives her the responsibility to do more, especially at the beginning as she <em>may be</em> pivoting towards recovery and normalcy. She is the one who has chosen to separate herself from nearly everything that is normative and normal, everything that we consider to be sustaining and safe and secure and conventional. How is it your responsibility to walk that road <em>back to her</em>? When she has been the one who has walked away from everything that you and her father represent?</p><p></p><p>I am not saying never. I am saying <em>now</em>. There are so many ways you can convey to her your love, and your absence of malice and your openness to the possibility someday to a relationship. Without offering yourself up for sacrifice. Even if she were not to hurt you, you will inevitably be hurt. She will look vulnerable. Maybe unhealthy. She may look damaged. Older.</p><p></p><p>What really can you give her, New Leaf, right now, that will not cost you everything that you have (and cannot afford to give)?</p><p></p><p>JMom was not in this position. Not any of the particulars are alike.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 694374, member: 18958"] Yes. Her's and his was a beautiful story. There is a difference that leaps out at me. First, J, the son, was very young. While I do not remember how long he had been homeless and out there with drug use, it was not like with Rain. Rain is your oldest, I know. I do not know how old but I believe she is well over 30, almost double's J's age, who was little more than a boy. Rain has been out there for years and years. Yes she is sweet. But life has cast her into an extreme and enduring position. She can change but her walk back will take time, commitment and the willingness on her part to humble herself. Has she shown that? However much you surely do have a part in this (we all do), it cannot be you who walks to her. She must begin and then come some more before it is clear that she is committed to changing. JMom's son was young and sweet. I believe she believed he was vulnerable. While she was hurt, she never seemed afraid. And then there is JMOM's job. She is a cop. While work is different, she is trained and accustomed to be out there, to contain and guard her emotions. I get Rain and Tornado mixed up sometimes. I remember the one who was mad in the hospital. And I remember the daughter who kept showing up at the house and your land. Maybe this is Tornado, not Rain. And then the caution of her trying to hurt or berate you, is not warranted--if Rain does not do so. But New Leaf, you are newly widowed. How much can you take? How much can you ask of yourself, really? What do you really have to offer and to freely give, [I]right now[/I]? Yes, she is your daughter but this makes it harder, not easier. And all the more, it gives her the responsibility to do more, especially at the beginning as she [I]may be[/I] pivoting towards recovery and normalcy. She is the one who has chosen to separate herself from nearly everything that is normative and normal, everything that we consider to be sustaining and safe and secure and conventional. How is it your responsibility to walk that road [I]back to her[/I]? When she has been the one who has walked away from everything that you and her father represent? I am not saying never. I am saying [I]now[/I]. There are so many ways you can convey to her your love, and your absence of malice and your openness to the possibility someday to a relationship. Without offering yourself up for sacrifice. Even if she were not to hurt you, you will inevitably be hurt. She will look vulnerable. Maybe unhealthy. She may look damaged. Older. What really can you give her, New Leaf, right now, that will not cost you everything that you have (and cannot afford to give)? JMom was not in this position. Not any of the particulars are alike. [/QUOTE]
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