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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 694375" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>The impossible battle for me in learning how not to enable was twofold. The first part was understanding that I was teaching my children to view themselves as beggars. And I was teaching myself to see them that way, too. How awful for all of us! When our children are in trouble ~ and they are, and it is bad trouble, when they are addicted and have nothing and live in dangerous places and we don't know whether...and we do not know what is coming for them next ~ we need to review whatever we know about enabling. I had to do that. I found strength there to combat the love and the guilt and the love and that whole cognitive dissonance place Recovering named FOG. I would get destroyed in that FOG place.</p><p></p><p>The other piece was reviewing all I had done, and what the outcome had been. My children too were adults when this was happening to me, Leafy. We had a history together, my children and me. And I needed to change somehow, what was happening to all of us without destroying myself from the heart out.</p><p></p><p>It helped me to know what I needed to see before I could allow myself to help.</p><p></p><p>That gave me strength, because it gave me a place to stand that made sense to me. </p><p></p><p>Rain cannot help her addiction now, Leafy. It has her. You cannot not be addicted, for her. It comforted me, in the dark nights, to understand that there was a time I would help, but that the time was not now, lest I destroy the child's strength to do battle with the addiction. They call it "bringing the bottom up", but I couldn't hear that.</p><p></p><p>I could hear something that applied to me in terms of the enabling I was doing. I could hear that, in my heart.</p><p></p><p>I could hear something that applied to me in that thinking that once the child (and mine were in their thirties too, before I had been here long enough to learn how to manage myself in relation to the pain and loss and hope and FOG) that once the adult child showed progress, then I could help wholeheartedly. That made it possible for me to sit with the feelings without losing myself in the feelings.</p><p></p><p>Now, with those years and those losses behind us, I see all of it as the way love looked, then, for all of us, given what my children were facing ~ given the trap they were in because they were addicted. It wasn't what I wanted, Leafy. <em>But it wasn't what they wanted our lives to be, either. </em>It was the best way I knew to love them and myself and all of us where we were. The ten thousand mistakes I made, and the decision to forgive myself for them, lest they eat me alive, that was an important piece, too. Forgive yourself Leafy, that you cannot change this for Rain.</p><p></p><p>This is how you are loving Rain now, Leafy. For her sake, and for your own. You did not create this. But the thing is, Rain did not create it, either.</p><p></p><p>Addiction is addiction. It is an ugly and destructive thing. If Rain beats it, she will have to recreate her life from that point. She can do it, if she is strong. If you are strong, too. Believe she is strong enough to come back from it, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>As I write this, my children are making their ways back into creating the lives they want. But Leafy, if I had not been able to stop helping...I don't know. I don't know what might have happened. But I do know addiction is an awful thing. Your child, whatever her age, is still your child. It helped me to remember: It is the situation that is bad. Not me. Not my child. </p><p></p><p>It helped me, a little, to remember that.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 694375, member: 17461"] The impossible battle for me in learning how not to enable was twofold. The first part was understanding that I was teaching my children to view themselves as beggars. And I was teaching myself to see them that way, too. How awful for all of us! When our children are in trouble ~ and they are, and it is bad trouble, when they are addicted and have nothing and live in dangerous places and we don't know whether...and we do not know what is coming for them next ~ we need to review whatever we know about enabling. I had to do that. I found strength there to combat the love and the guilt and the love and that whole cognitive dissonance place Recovering named FOG. I would get destroyed in that FOG place. The other piece was reviewing all I had done, and what the outcome had been. My children too were adults when this was happening to me, Leafy. We had a history together, my children and me. And I needed to change somehow, what was happening to all of us without destroying myself from the heart out. It helped me to know what I needed to see before I could allow myself to help. That gave me strength, because it gave me a place to stand that made sense to me. Rain cannot help her addiction now, Leafy. It has her. You cannot not be addicted, for her. It comforted me, in the dark nights, to understand that there was a time I would help, but that the time was not now, lest I destroy the child's strength to do battle with the addiction. They call it "bringing the bottom up", but I couldn't hear that. I could hear something that applied to me in terms of the enabling I was doing. I could hear that, in my heart. I could hear something that applied to me in that thinking that once the child (and mine were in their thirties too, before I had been here long enough to learn how to manage myself in relation to the pain and loss and hope and FOG) that once the adult child showed progress, then I could help wholeheartedly. That made it possible for me to sit with the feelings without losing myself in the feelings. Now, with those years and those losses behind us, I see all of it as the way love looked, then, for all of us, given what my children were facing ~ given the trap they were in because they were addicted. It wasn't what I wanted, Leafy. [I]But it wasn't what they wanted our lives to be, either. [/I]It was the best way I knew to love them and myself and all of us where we were. The ten thousand mistakes I made, and the decision to forgive myself for them, lest they eat me alive, that was an important piece, too. Forgive yourself Leafy, that you cannot change this for Rain. This is how you are loving Rain now, Leafy. For her sake, and for your own. You did not create this. But the thing is, Rain did not create it, either. Addiction is addiction. It is an ugly and destructive thing. If Rain beats it, she will have to recreate her life from that point. She can do it, if she is strong. If you are strong, too. Believe she is strong enough to come back from it, Leafy. As I write this, my children are making their ways back into creating the lives they want. But Leafy, if I had not been able to stop helping...I don't know. I don't know what might have happened. But I do know addiction is an awful thing. Your child, whatever her age, is still your child. It helped me to remember: It is the situation that is bad. Not me. Not my child. It helped me, a little, to remember that. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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