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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 694618" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Thank you Com, this is so true, there is a danger getting involved. It is a hard enough time processing all of this without <em>adding</em> to it.</p><p> This is what I have been thinking as well, the <em>danger</em>. Rain is not initiating this, Blossom is. Her intentions are good, but I do not think she is understanding the dynamics of addiction. If Rain is not looking to change, to stop using, that infiltrates to<em> using</em> those who love her to meet that end, the next high.</p><p>I would have to think long and hard on any communication because in the past, every word I have said is <em>twisted</em> somehow, it is exasperating.If I <em>wrote</em> something, I would have to be very careful and selective. So, for now I will just wait it out for a bit. There is nothing more frustrating than to have your words and intentions turned around to bite you.....and hard. This is the situation that presents itself with an addicted loved one.</p><p></p><p> This is why I am so hesitant and guarded. I do realize that I am very vulnerable. Drama is a huge part of dealing with my two. They seem to feed off of it. I just want peace. Peace, not to be torn into pieces.</p><p></p><p> Thank you Com, that is a comfort beyond words.</p><p></p><p> Yes IB, her life, her choices. I have learned the hard way that these two do not want any suggestions or advice. Like a big neon sign, " Don't butt into my business". Off limit subject.</p><p> I think I will take my time and guard my heart too. There is time to think things through.</p><p> Yup, my feelings as well.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Not in any way or form, no remorse or humility.</p><p> I do believe this to be so. I have felt this for some time now, and each contact has reaffirmed it.</p><p> This is Rain. She accused me of giving up on her father. I know she was grieving and shocked as we all were. She wasn't there to witness everything as it painfully unfolded. <em>Those of us who were there</em> weren't prepared. I can't imagine what was going through her mind. Especially a mind mired in meth. There was no escaping the horror. Isn't that what drug use is about? Escaping reality. But this reality......there is no escaping from it. The finality of it.</p><p>I am hoping she will use it as a pivot point. Only time will tell. I will continue to guard myself as it has been a long hard journey and I am not equipped right now to risk my heart......again.</p><p></p><p> I can't take much more. Don't have much to offer, and what I do have really needs to be saved and focused on my young son. He deserves my full attention.</p><p>Copa, these words struck me. She has walked away and she also has the choice to turn her life around again. When she is ready. It has to come from <em>her</em>.</p><p> I see the reasoning in this. Love says no, enough, I will not put up with this. With hubs gone, it is a reminder that we all have limited time here. These two need to learn how to stand on their own feet. They need to know that our resources are <em>limited</em>. I don't have the means or desire to <em>supplement</em> and support their current way of life. They are capable of working and taking care of themselves.</p><p> It is awful. In the throes of addiction it does not seem to matter so much to <em>them.</em> That is what I am focusing on, that nothing I can say or do will make it matter to them to want differently. <em>It has to come from them.</em></p><p>It is a horrible place to be, between numb and hurt, mixed up in the cyclonic drama. Dazed and confused. That is why I am so resistant to Blossoms notion. I don't want to be wandering aimlessly in that FOG again, Cedar. It is hard enough drifting in and out of the reality of hubs passing.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is what is helping me to stand firm. What more is there for me to do? How many times do I need to get burned to know to avoid the flame?</p><p> From the heart out. It is true that this is a thing that happens to the entire family. There is no way not to be affected.<em> Afflicted</em>.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p> Invasion of <em>the body snatcher. </em>Kidnapped by addiction. I am reminded of Patty Hearst kidnapped for some strange reason. Drugs kidnapped my adult child and she has gone to the other side, despising everything she grew up with but<em> ready to play a role if it serves her. </em>There is a danger to it. It is because of my love for her that makes it so insidious. That love can be twisted and turned so. I am not up for that. I am going to keep my distance.</p><p></p><p> This is my decision as well for my two. I am looking for<em> progress</em>. A sign. I don't think it selfish, it is self preservation that drives my decision. I fear I shall go mad with anguish if I let my guard down.</p><p></p><p> Thank you Cedar. Of course we made mistakes, who wouldn't under the extreme circumstances wrought by it? I do forgive myself. I am sorry for mistakes made, but I do not own the responsibility that my two would place on me.</p><p> Addiction is an awful thing. I am glad your children are making their way back. I will not give up hope, but I know that there is no help I could give that would make the difference that needs to happen. I do not want them to look outward to me, they need to look <em>inward</em>.</p><p></p><p> Thank you for your prayers and kindness Pasa. It is heart wrenching. There is only so much I can do. If Blossoms reaching out sparks a quest to return to living a better life, I am glad.</p><p>Thank you Momto3, this is what I have been believing. I do not have a relationship with her using meth. I love her, but she has to take the steps to earn trust.</p><p> It is an indescribable feeling. A huge part of the void is that our relationship was plagued with the devastation and constant onslaught of chaos of our twos choices.<em> We did not have breathing room to live out our last days together.</em> Hubs had retreated further into himself and his work. I was trying to come out of the FOG of drama and heartbreak, working, posting, trying to talk with him. He wanted no part of any discussion. We were drifting. He was angry that I had detached, as he was still clinging to the idea that we could intervene somehow. I was hard at work healing my broken heart and building strength to get my self back.</p><p>I can't help but feel robbed. Chunks of my relationship and my life stolen away by drugs and the insane selfishness of addiction.</p><p>Dealing with this and the ptsd of watching him slip away in extreme pain is too much. I refuse to jump into that ring. Part of me wants to scream it out on the rooftop.</p><p>"Do you two realize what you have done?"</p><p>Do they even realize? Do they even think of the pain of it? I don't think so. They are too caught up in themselves.</p><p>This is a huge, huge piece to work through. I am too angry right now to go to them. Nor do I feel that I should.</p><p> Thank you Havehadenough. I have had enough as well. I have been surrounded by this ugliness for too long. I am determined to get through this devastation, but do not want to waste anymore precious time talking to deaf ears, hardened hearts and setting myself up to be used. I have had enough. Action speaks louder than words. The action of these two is beyond words, it is despicable. Utterly disrespectful.</p><p>Thank you all for your support and thoughts. I have to push the <em>what ifs</em> away and focus on the <em>what is.</em> <em><strong>What is</strong> </em>for Rain right now is meth and homelessness. <em><strong>What is</strong> for </em>Tornado and my grands is living a life fraught with instability and drama<em>.</em></p><p><em>What is </em>for me is using every ounce of strength left to overcome this horrendous loss and carry on.</p><p>I do not have much left for<em> anything else</em>.</p><p>Least of all adult children determined to continue on with a lifestyle of drugs and feelings of entitlement. No remorse, no apologies, just the same ole, same ole.</p><p>Well, someone has to say enough.</p><p>That someone is me.</p><p>Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 694618, member: 19522"] Thank you Com, this is so true, there is a danger getting involved. It is a hard enough time processing all of this without [I]adding[/I] to it. This is what I have been thinking as well, the [I]danger[/I]. Rain is not initiating this, Blossom is. Her intentions are good, but I do not think she is understanding the dynamics of addiction. If Rain is not looking to change, to stop using, that infiltrates to[I] using[/I] those who love her to meet that end, the next high. I would have to think long and hard on any communication because in the past, every word I have said is [I]twisted[/I] somehow, it is exasperating.If I [I]wrote[/I] something, I would have to be very careful and selective. So, for now I will just wait it out for a bit. There is nothing more frustrating than to have your words and intentions turned around to bite you.....and hard. This is the situation that presents itself with an addicted loved one. This is why I am so hesitant and guarded. I do realize that I am very vulnerable. Drama is a huge part of dealing with my two. They seem to feed off of it. I just want peace. Peace, not to be torn into pieces. Thank you Com, that is a comfort beyond words. Yes IB, her life, her choices. I have learned the hard way that these two do not want any suggestions or advice. Like a big neon sign, " Don't butt into my business". Off limit subject. I think I will take my time and guard my heart too. There is time to think things through. Yup, my feelings as well. Not in any way or form, no remorse or humility. I do believe this to be so. I have felt this for some time now, and each contact has reaffirmed it. This is Rain. She accused me of giving up on her father. I know she was grieving and shocked as we all were. She wasn't there to witness everything as it painfully unfolded. [I]Those of us who were there[/I] weren't prepared. I can't imagine what was going through her mind. Especially a mind mired in meth. There was no escaping the horror. Isn't that what drug use is about? Escaping reality. But this reality......there is no escaping from it. The finality of it. I am hoping she will use it as a pivot point. Only time will tell. I will continue to guard myself as it has been a long hard journey and I am not equipped right now to risk my heart......again. I can't take much more. Don't have much to offer, and what I do have really needs to be saved and focused on my young son. He deserves my full attention. Copa, these words struck me. She has walked away and she also has the choice to turn her life around again. When she is ready. It has to come from [I]her[/I]. I see the reasoning in this. Love says no, enough, I will not put up with this. With hubs gone, it is a reminder that we all have limited time here. These two need to learn how to stand on their own feet. They need to know that our resources are [I]limited[/I]. I don't have the means or desire to [I]supplement[/I] and support their current way of life. They are capable of working and taking care of themselves. It is awful. In the throes of addiction it does not seem to matter so much to [I]them.[/I] That is what I am focusing on, that nothing I can say or do will make it matter to them to want differently. [I]It has to come from them.[/I] It is a horrible place to be, between numb and hurt, mixed up in the cyclonic drama. Dazed and confused. That is why I am so resistant to Blossoms notion. I don't want to be wandering aimlessly in that FOG again, Cedar. It is hard enough drifting in and out of the reality of hubs passing. This is what is helping me to stand firm. What more is there for me to do? How many times do I need to get burned to know to avoid the flame? From the heart out. It is true that this is a thing that happens to the entire family. There is no way not to be affected.[I] Afflicted[/I]. Invasion of [I]the body snatcher. [/I]Kidnapped by addiction. I am reminded of Patty Hearst kidnapped for some strange reason. Drugs kidnapped my adult child and she has gone to the other side, despising everything she grew up with but[I] ready to play a role if it serves her. [/I]There is a danger to it. It is because of my love for her that makes it so insidious. That love can be twisted and turned so. I am not up for that. I am going to keep my distance. This is my decision as well for my two. I am looking for[I] progress[/I]. A sign. I don't think it selfish, it is self preservation that drives my decision. I fear I shall go mad with anguish if I let my guard down. Thank you Cedar. Of course we made mistakes, who wouldn't under the extreme circumstances wrought by it? I do forgive myself. I am sorry for mistakes made, but I do not own the responsibility that my two would place on me. Addiction is an awful thing. I am glad your children are making their way back. I will not give up hope, but I know that there is no help I could give that would make the difference that needs to happen. I do not want them to look outward to me, they need to look [I]inward[/I]. Thank you for your prayers and kindness Pasa. It is heart wrenching. There is only so much I can do. If Blossoms reaching out sparks a quest to return to living a better life, I am glad. Thank you Momto3, this is what I have been believing. I do not have a relationship with her using meth. I love her, but she has to take the steps to earn trust. It is an indescribable feeling. A huge part of the void is that our relationship was plagued with the devastation and constant onslaught of chaos of our twos choices.[I] We did not have breathing room to live out our last days together.[/I] Hubs had retreated further into himself and his work. I was trying to come out of the FOG of drama and heartbreak, working, posting, trying to talk with him. He wanted no part of any discussion. We were drifting. He was angry that I had detached, as he was still clinging to the idea that we could intervene somehow. I was hard at work healing my broken heart and building strength to get my self back. I can't help but feel robbed. Chunks of my relationship and my life stolen away by drugs and the insane selfishness of addiction. Dealing with this and the ptsd of watching him slip away in extreme pain is too much. I refuse to jump into that ring. Part of me wants to scream it out on the rooftop. "Do you two realize what you have done?" Do they even realize? Do they even think of the pain of it? I don't think so. They are too caught up in themselves. This is a huge, huge piece to work through. I am too angry right now to go to them. Nor do I feel that I should. Thank you Havehadenough. I have had enough as well. I have been surrounded by this ugliness for too long. I am determined to get through this devastation, but do not want to waste anymore precious time talking to deaf ears, hardened hearts and setting myself up to be used. I have had enough. Action speaks louder than words. The action of these two is beyond words, it is despicable. Utterly disrespectful. Thank you all for your support and thoughts. I have to push the [I]what ifs[/I] away and focus on the [I]what is.[/I] [I][B]What is[/B] [/I]for Rain right now is meth and homelessness. [I][B]What is[/B] for [/I]Tornado and my grands is living a life fraught with instability and drama[I]. What is [/I]for me is using every ounce of strength left to overcome this horrendous loss and carry on. I do not have much left for[I] anything else[/I]. Least of all adult children determined to continue on with a lifestyle of drugs and feelings of entitlement. No remorse, no apologies, just the same ole, same ole. Well, someone has to say enough. That someone is me. Leaf [/QUOTE]
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