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What does it take to do nothing?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 651959" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I love all of these words. One of the friends chose Gratitude. One chose Peace. For me, peace is the destination and gratitude is one of the tools. Practicing gratitude. Remembering to be grateful. Silence is one of the tools. </p><p></p><p>And I don't practice it enough, still! It's March, I need to be silent more. Last night, I was in a small group of four people. One is a professional coach. We are meeting with her for three sessions with our goals. </p><p></p><p>One of the women is 37 years old. She shared a lot of her story. She is a master accomplisher, and from a broken family, and she sees herself doing what her mother did and what she detests, with her own six year old son. She is broken about it. I saw myself in her. I was hurting for her as she talked. I was able to be silent and just let her talk. I didn't need to rush in with my story. I was able to honor her story with my silence. That was one time I was able to do it. I have many more opportunities that I don't take now, but I am trying to recognize them first, and then allow silence to take me over. It is an incredible thing when it happens, even once in a while. </p><p></p><p>And again last night, I had a call from my mother. One of my first cousins died yesterday. She was 74. She had a car accident last week. My dad was very close to her---his niece. Her own mother, my dad's sister, died very young stepping off a bus in Atlanta. She was hit by a car. Irony. So my dad was trying to see if he could go to the funeral, and we were trying to see if we could help him go, and go ourselves. He is in Oklahoma. He is 83 years old. My sister, who also lives there, is still a master controller. She spent some time last night showing me that it is "up to you, kid" to go with dad. She puts her pressure on. She is I think somewhat angry that she is there, taking care of my parents as they age, and I am not. I looked at all of the ways to go, and I seriously considered it. I would like to see my cousins. But once my dad said I just can't go, even if you go, I decided that was my answer. I was also silent in the face of my sister's pressure. My husband said, you need to give it back to her. I said no. I told them I would decide today and let them know but it was going to be hard to go right now. People need to be allowed to make their own decisions without manipulation and pressure from others. I see now how much I have manipulated in the past to get my own way, or to make something happen. I don't want to be that person anymore. It is very unappealing in other people. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>So simple and yet so difficult. It's the simplest things that are so worthy and so challenging, RE. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Doesn't it though, and in surprising ways. People actually can figure their own problems out! Amazing!!!! And they come up with solutions that I never would have thought of. </p><p></p><p>We learn how to do what we do to survive. And that is okay. We are only children, trying to survive. We learn how to, all of us, due to our circumstances. And when we grow up, we find that those ways just may not be very useful anymore. In fact, they may be damaging to ourselves and to other people.</p><p></p><p>I always sought my dad's attention and approval growing up. He was a hard person. I finally figured out, deep within me, that accomplishing is what got his positive attention. A little girl needs a dad's glowing approval and I never got that. It was a void inside me, that finally has been healed in the past few years. Accomplishing is how I got any approval from him that I did get, which was still meager.</p><p></p><p>Figuring it out! What a goal in life. Figuring it out for me, and for everybody else. It worked when I was little and growing up, but today it doesn't work in relationships with grown people. Even if I can see something ahead for someone, it doesn't mean I get to wow them with my brilliance. It's their life. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That's what I thought too! I thought, once this happens, then my life will really start. Then everything will be great. Only that day never, ever comes, and one day you look up and most of your life has gone by, and you're still waiting to be happy and at peace. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes!!!! And such a great guidebook author is Pema Chodron. I think you, RE, are the one who recommended her one day many months ago. These ideas are great, once they take hold in us, but HOW in the world do we do them? She is so good at breaking it all down and making it sensible, so many steps, one by one. </p><p></p><p>And others. It all works together, this moving into quiet, and peace, and uncertainty, and humility and letting go, it is a giant web of such a good way to live life. </p><p></p><p>I guess I could have never discovered it. Or discovered it much later. That is where my gratitude comes in. </p><p></p><p>Like I said last night in my coaching session, it used to be all about my son. All of it. Now it's more about me. And that started well before his recent progress. I am very very grateful for these lessons.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 651959, member: 17542"] I love all of these words. One of the friends chose Gratitude. One chose Peace. For me, peace is the destination and gratitude is one of the tools. Practicing gratitude. Remembering to be grateful. Silence is one of the tools. And I don't practice it enough, still! It's March, I need to be silent more. Last night, I was in a small group of four people. One is a professional coach. We are meeting with her for three sessions with our goals. One of the women is 37 years old. She shared a lot of her story. She is a master accomplisher, and from a broken family, and she sees herself doing what her mother did and what she detests, with her own six year old son. She is broken about it. I saw myself in her. I was hurting for her as she talked. I was able to be silent and just let her talk. I didn't need to rush in with my story. I was able to honor her story with my silence. That was one time I was able to do it. I have many more opportunities that I don't take now, but I am trying to recognize them first, and then allow silence to take me over. It is an incredible thing when it happens, even once in a while. And again last night, I had a call from my mother. One of my first cousins died yesterday. She was 74. She had a car accident last week. My dad was very close to her---his niece. Her own mother, my dad's sister, died very young stepping off a bus in Atlanta. She was hit by a car. Irony. So my dad was trying to see if he could go to the funeral, and we were trying to see if we could help him go, and go ourselves. He is in Oklahoma. He is 83 years old. My sister, who also lives there, is still a master controller. She spent some time last night showing me that it is "up to you, kid" to go with dad. She puts her pressure on. She is I think somewhat angry that she is there, taking care of my parents as they age, and I am not. I looked at all of the ways to go, and I seriously considered it. I would like to see my cousins. But once my dad said I just can't go, even if you go, I decided that was my answer. I was also silent in the face of my sister's pressure. My husband said, you need to give it back to her. I said no. I told them I would decide today and let them know but it was going to be hard to go right now. People need to be allowed to make their own decisions without manipulation and pressure from others. I see now how much I have manipulated in the past to get my own way, or to make something happen. I don't want to be that person anymore. It is very unappealing in other people. So simple and yet so difficult. It's the simplest things that are so worthy and so challenging, RE. Doesn't it though, and in surprising ways. People actually can figure their own problems out! Amazing!!!! And they come up with solutions that I never would have thought of. We learn how to do what we do to survive. And that is okay. We are only children, trying to survive. We learn how to, all of us, due to our circumstances. And when we grow up, we find that those ways just may not be very useful anymore. In fact, they may be damaging to ourselves and to other people. I always sought my dad's attention and approval growing up. He was a hard person. I finally figured out, deep within me, that accomplishing is what got his positive attention. A little girl needs a dad's glowing approval and I never got that. It was a void inside me, that finally has been healed in the past few years. Accomplishing is how I got any approval from him that I did get, which was still meager. Figuring it out! What a goal in life. Figuring it out for me, and for everybody else. It worked when I was little and growing up, but today it doesn't work in relationships with grown people. Even if I can see something ahead for someone, it doesn't mean I get to wow them with my brilliance. It's their life. That's what I thought too! I thought, once this happens, then my life will really start. Then everything will be great. Only that day never, ever comes, and one day you look up and most of your life has gone by, and you're still waiting to be happy and at peace. Yes!!!! And such a great guidebook author is Pema Chodron. I think you, RE, are the one who recommended her one day many months ago. These ideas are great, once they take hold in us, but HOW in the world do we do them? She is so good at breaking it all down and making it sensible, so many steps, one by one. And others. It all works together, this moving into quiet, and peace, and uncertainty, and humility and letting go, it is a giant web of such a good way to live life. I guess I could have never discovered it. Or discovered it much later. That is where my gratitude comes in. Like I said last night in my coaching session, it used to be all about my son. All of it. Now it's more about me. And that started well before his recent progress. I am very very grateful for these lessons. [/QUOTE]
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