What done means/meant to you?

[Star*]

What was your breaking point?

Did you / Have you allowed them to come back?

Did you say "I am through with you" and shut the door and mean it?

I'm trying to make sense out of putting a boy who can't even tell time out on the road because he's just so nasty.

No one has called with a group home for today - but they need to - we're done.

And Mutt - I get that having one good day is better than no good days - and I have LIVED and cherished our "lasts" of everything in the past weeks - because I knew it was coming - I just hoped against hope I was wrong.

Just curious - what DONE means/meant to you?

 

[janebrain]

I guess my "done" moment came when we reluctantly let difficult child 1 come back to our house after she went to New England with boyfriend during the summer--she was having pseudo seizures out there, kept going to the ER, and finally decided she wanted to come home and get her medical issues under control and get her life together. She was full of plans--she would get a job, go to community college, etc. Except she didn't--she would look for jobs with the computer til I made her go around with me and apply various places in person. She hung out with friends, used our house like it was motel, etc.

It was very stressful for all of us and I was starting to "get it" that her younger sister was suffering especially by having her home. I told difficult child she had to move. The boyfriend was in another part of our state and supposedly she was going to go where he was but I could see she really didn't want to go. She told me he was going to come to our town and they would get a place together.

Well, he did show up sometime in the night--I saw strange shoes in our house in the morning. I went to difficult child's room and told her he did not have permission to be spending the night at our house and that the two of them had better get out.

She said they were going to leave but she had to get packed. I spent the morning fuming and waiting for them. I had agreed to give them a ride downtown. Now I can't remember what happened but something made me really angry and I told them to get out now, that they could catch a bus. difficult child screamed that she hated me and I screamed back that I hated her too. The boyfriend started approaching me in a menacing manner and I had my cell phone in my hand and said if he didn't back off I would call the police. difficult child got between us and he cooled down. I watched them walk out the door and immediately locked it and all the other doors. I watched them walk up the street to catch the bus, looking as happy as could be. I was so relieved--I felt nothing but relief and joy that they were gone and I knew she would never, ever, live in my house again. I truly was done.

As you know, we have since reconciled and there is no animosity at all between us anymore, but I do know that she cannot live in my house, that has not changed. When she left I made the decision that difficult child 2 must come first and due to abuse from difficult child 1 she cannot live with her sister.

I think that "done" moment was very empowering--it set me on the path to being strong for difficult child 2 and husband and me and also set difficult child 1 on the path of taking responsibility for herself and her actions. I don't think she would be nearly as far along as she is now in terms of maturity and "getting it" if I hadn't been "done".

Thanks for asking!
Jane

 

[BusynMember]

I wouldn't want to put out a young adult who has no skills to survive on his own. I'd have called social services for help looking for a group home or residential help. However, if everyone turned me down, I truly don't KNOW what I'd do! I did make my daughter leave. The final straw was that she'd promised she'd quit drugs and seemed better. We took our two younger kids to a nearby waterpark hotel for two nights, but came home one day early. She and her friends were having an all-out dope party at the house. We did give her the option of going to rehab first, but she turned it down. I remember being very angry, but I did tell her that she could only come back if she really quit and would subject herself to drug tests. The last thing she said to me before leaving, with tears, was, "I'll HATE YOU forever!" I cried for three weeks, but we have reconciled and are now extremely close. She never needed to come home--she made it on her own. If she wants or needs to come home now for any reason (she's 23 and clean three years now) we would welcome her back. She went from the worst example for her siblings to a shining example of somebody who has quit everything from drugs to cigarettes. We have a rule here: "If you do illegal things, you can't live here."

 

[trinityroyal]

I think my "done" moment was when I came home from work to find difficult child locked in his room for a "time-out" by Step-d. He had been raging, threatening her with a butcher knife and chasing her around the house. We had already shipped Little easy child off to stay with relatives for his safety.

It was a big eye-opener for us. Until that day, we kept thinking that rules, charts, structure, etc. would be enough, but clearly not. I realized that difficult child could not ever live in my home again.

I don't think husband has come to that realization yet. He's still thinking a 5-to-10 year stint in assisted living, and then coming back home. But I will never live under the same roof as difficult child, nor will I subject Little easy child to that kind of horror show again.

I am still struggling to get along with difficult child these days. The fact that he bullied little one, attacked his sister with a knife and brought on heart trouble that nearly killed my beloved husband is all very hard to take, and I still hurt terribly. The fact that difficult child sees nothing wrong in his past behaviour just makes it worse.

I may come around someday, but for the moment I'm perfectly happy to have as little contact with difficult child as possible. husband talks to him when he phones, husband visits him at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and for now, I just keep my distance.

 

[CrazyinVA]

My "done" moment came when Oldest difficult child was about 19. I had "kicked her out' of the house weeks before, but she refused to leave. Calls to various agencies told me they couldn't do anything, I had to "formally" evict her. It seemed hopeless. One night she raged badly enough that she threw a chair at me. I called 911. Whey the police got there, she actually FOUGHT them... I remember them chasing her through the house and ending up with her on the floor of our utility room, handcuffed and screaming at them.

County crisis was called. I begged them to admit her somewhere. She refused of course, and the old "she isn't an 'imminent' danger to herself or others" came into play. Finally, her boyfriend came and picked her up, and she moved in with him and his family for a few months. She did come back briefly, a few years later, to recover from a surgery. Things escalated within a couple of weeks and she left again. At least I didn't have to callthe police that time.

Sometimes it takes a crisis to cause change. Isn't that a toughlove saying or something?

Sigh. Now I'm in living hell with my youngest difficult child. I really need to compose a post about that.

 

[everywoman]

I have been done so many times, but eventually the mommy guilt gets the best of me and I let my guard down and allow him to come home. I always expect for things to be "better" this time---but they never are. This time he left on his own. He made the choice. I didn't have to kick him out. This time he is trying to make it---not very succesfully---but at least trying. It breaks my heart to feel like I do about him. I don't feel like that about the other two---but then they haven't stolen from me, destroyed my house with their fits of rage, broken my heart or my spirit. I don't know if I'll ever be "done" for good----but we all have a breaking point.

 

[DDD]

Each of us has to make those choices based on our own experiences, values, hopes, fears etc. Although I think I understand that you and your DF have significant health issues, and I am confident I understand the stress of living life with your difficult child...I, too, could not let an uneducated, unstable child go off to face the world. I just could not do that any more than I could have kept quiet about the group home or left the animals to
die.

You have done your best to help Dude for years and I admire that greatly. on the other hand, if you take a piece of paper and divide it into seventeen
division showing what his life circumstances were for his lifetime, I think it is going to be apparent that he not only hasn't had stability he had had
frightening trauma for a big part of his life. He can't shrug that off and
make healthy adult decisions. There has to be a transition period that
leads to an opportunity.

I mentioned Job Corp before as a possibility. What about Vocational/Rehabiitation opportunities? Has he been evaluated and approved for Disability income? If so, he is eligible for V/R help.

There has to be some way. I do keep you in my thoughts/prayers.DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

Well Im not a good one to ask about when done is done. I always say I am done with him but never seem to be. I was never able to just put him out for more than a few days.

I keep hoping against hope that something will change. So far it isnt looking to hopeful for that. Maybe this time.

 

[Suz]

My "done" happened the moment Rob laid his hands on me.

That was it.

It was the weirdest feeling...kind of like suspended animation. Time really does stand still sometimes.

We were lucky, though. We had options and support from social services and his PO. I am so very grateful for that; because I knew he would be leaving but I also knew that he would be safe and provided for.

I'm sorry, Star. It's heartbreaking.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[Hound dog]

Done was when step-difficult child knowingly took two babies, Kayla was just 2 and Alex 1, to live on the streets because she and low life boyfriend double crossed a group of major meth dealers and were being hunted. (literally)

All it would've taken was a phone to either myself or her bio Mom and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt those babies would've had somewhere safe to stay where they were loved. Instead she chose to take them with her because she'd discovered that they were wonderful pawns with emotional blackmail.

I made 2 phone calls. First to cps in Mo to warn them she'd be living on the streets with the kids, with the make, modle, and license plate # of the car. The second was to Bio-Mom she was headed her way, just as I'd predicted.

When I say done, I mean totally and completely. No phone calls, no letters, nothing. It's beyond the disowned thing my mother ever did. More of a "you're dead to me".

Knowingly placing two innocent children on the streets (no food, clothes, shelter) and keeping them in a situation that you know is putting their lives in mortal danger, among the many other things........ Well, I can/have forgiven ALOT over the years. But this I don't think I ever can. It's one thing to do this to yourself, quite another to do it to a child.

And even so, it's the hardest thing I've done in my life. Being done didn't stop the worrying, or the wondering. For years the grief was almost too much to stand. There are still days that I feel an overwhelming need to find them, to know. And then the grief is there all fresh again.

What I do on those days is remind myself of what living through stepgfg's emotional blackmail costs us emotionally, physically, and mentally, not to mention finanacially. easy child would like to hunt her sister down, and not for a happy reunion. And Nichole was devistated, her major downward spiral began shortly after stepgfg disappeared.

Will there ever be forgiveness in the future?

I dunno. Living with difficult child's has taught me to never say "never". Because I "never" dreamed I'd ever have to say I was done with one of my kids in the first place.

For me, when I reached that point, I was just there. I knew that was it, and there would be no more. I don't exactly know how to put it into words, but that's how it was. There was no question, no doubt.

I hope they can find a place for Dude before you feel you have to make such a decision.

((hugs))

 

[Star*]

Thanks for the replies everyone - I know it was hard, and I appreciate it.

I have been in such a state with difficult child. I dont' know if I could even post what 3 hours is like living with this kid. He never ever stops. You would think that the way he's been up until his fines were paid - if he could be like that all that time - he would keep being like that. Instead the night we got home from paying for his fines - he did some major snooping, broke into my stuff, and has been in contact with my x's family.

They've told him things that are of course lies - and yet in my own home I 'm being challenged and called a liar...no I'm being screamed at that I was finally caught in a lie, he FINALLY caught me. And then things in the house got destroyed while I was gone - the dogs are a wreck - and he is just happy as can be that I'm more miserable than dirt - because his "Dad" doesn't have anything to live for = and it's MY fault.

I've done the Dad and crazy x family talk- too many times for my own health to help him sort out his life. And now after all we do for him - I'm nothing more than a liar. Poor Dad - liar Mom.

Liar mom paid his fines, Liar mom has tried to help him get his life on track so he WON"T be out in the streets, Liar Mom pays for his clothes, his food, his books for school and fees for GED class, and I'm just too tired to go on about other ugly and very meaningless yet hurtful things he's said - BUT ONLY AFTER I plunked down nearly a grand to keep him out of jail.

Fact is - no group home wants him after they read his history and see how his anger affects others. So what did I do - I went to the USC psychiatry dept. and asked them for help with him TODAY. Yup - I'm mean old liar Mom. And once again - he's caught me - caught again doing something for him even though he's broken my heart. Even though everyone involved in his care says to just let him go to jail - and learn life there.

Sure - go back to jail, get out at 23 yo, with no education and no job skills at all. That's why I asked when you said no - and meant it. I just don't even want to go home anymore. I want it to be like it was - him in school, helps around the house, is nice to me, I deserve more than a day or two of that for being his Mom.

Thanks for listening - I think I'm done for a while.

Star

 

[Nomad]

Star...I'm so sorry. I think generally speaking, what the others have said seems like where many would draw the line...and that would be repeated illegal activity and/or physical violence. I would draw the line very fast if those things come into play.

I like the idea of doing our best to help our adult difficult children where and when we are able; but expecting them to do their part even if it is in a very limited way. I also like the idea of helping from a distance.

I too hope an acceptable residence can be found for Dude out of your home. I am sorry that you continue to feel the horrible pangs of mother grief. (Hugs).

 

[susiestar]

I wasn't done with difficult child when I pulled him off his sister, he was trying to choke her in the middle of the night. I was sure that SOMEWHERE there was help. We took him to the hospital 2 days later. In 4 months I learned things that were horrific. Things he had done to his sister.

When we moved a year after he got out of the hospital I knew there would be a tough adjustment period. But I was so NOT going to be abused.

The first coupld of times he got violent with me, husband was home. We talked it out, adjusted medications, etc yada yada yada.

After about 2 months of this I called the cops. I thought he was going to break the big mirror in the bathroom and kill either himself or one of us. No hospital available for more than 3 days. Cause he wasn't a danger to anyone don'tcha know?

Then he spent about 3 weeks iwth his grandparents after school until husband came home, just to keep the rest of us safe. But BEFORE school he would attack me.

Then one day he was home, husband wasn't home yet, and I asked about homework. He wrestled me to the floor and started whaling away on me. Jess called 911 because she thought he was killing me. She was covering thank you's ears and rocking him.

The Deputy was the same one that had been here before. He really really tried to talk me into keeping him here. I was done. Not mad done, though I was plenty mad. A very calm, certain, not happining anymore done. I asked the officer to file charges of assault and battery (and I was a MESS).

I had to be rather persistent, but they took him to the Youth Shelter. Then there was a lot of court stuff. The judge did NOT want to do anything with him. Wanted me to take him home. DHS would ONLY get involved if I took him home - then they would take the other 2!!!! (Even the judge thought it was kind of screwy) but then difficult child started giving hugs to other kids (girls, of course LOL!) and the Youth Shelter called and said he had to go (They are where kids with abusive parents are sent, so you can see the problem).

My parents took him. We did ONE more court date, with the judge still not wanting to do anything. I couldn't get him into a program unless he was court ordered, and I couldn't get the judge to do ANYTHING! Every time I had to do ANYTHING with the court I had to give them a new copy of ALL the paperwork because they "lost" it or just didn't have it.

After waiting for 13 days to see if today was the day the court would call and send difficult child to a program, my dad told me HE wanted a chance. He would be in charge of difficult child, my mom would be there, but difficult child would NOT be allowed to hurt her.

I told them that other than keeping insurance, I would willingly wait for the court. He felt he could do more. And, with 35+ years of teaching the rough "bad" kids, he probably can do more.

For a long time I ONLY did family gatherings like holidays. Lately I will give difficult child rides, help planning things, etc.... THis is in the last 6 months or so.

I am still DONE having him live in my home. Just Done. Not ever doing it again. No matter how much I love him, I can't give in on his obsessions (and my parents DID, big time). I will be the person who goes to get him if he runs again, but I won't live with him.

We are learning to be friends, mom & son friends. But he is out of here.

Hope this wasn't too long.

 

[meowbunny]

When it comes my daughter, I'm not sure that DONE is in my vocabulary. I've been beaten by her. She stolen from me, my friends, her friends, her classmates and teachers. She has lied to school and CPS, claiming I have physically abused her, men that I have dated sexually abused her. Saying the word "no" to her guaranteed she would run away -- that one started at age 5. For 3 years, shoplifting and cutting school was a way of life. While she has tried marijuana and alcohol, that was more in the vein of typical teen experimentation. Her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) came when I found out how much school she was missing and how much shoplifting was occurring. Fortunately for me, most of this behavior has stopped.

The things that have not stopped -- verbal abuse, extreme sense of entitlement, logic that makes no sense to anyone (even her if someone pretends to say/argue her viewpoint as theirs), anger issues, lack of responsibility. She does tell some interesting stories about her life on MySpace and I have gotten emails from kids telling me I should be arrested. I just shrug and go on living my life the best way I can.

Much of the present-day behavior is more in the way of immaturity at work. She can be and frequently is verbally abusive. I have told her that if she ever steals from me again or physically abuses me or even threatens to hit me ever again, I will call the police. I do mean this and will stick by it.

The verbal abuse is simply words. I don't bother hearing the vitriol when it spews. If possible, I'll walk away. If not, I'll simply block her out and tune into other sounds around me (ADHD can become very useful).

If I ever do have to call the police on her, I'll still be there for her. I may not bail her out. I may not give her beyond the basic necessities while in jail, but I'll always be there to hold her hand, give her a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug her. She's my daughter no matter what she says or does.

Star, I don't know your whole story. I don't know Dude's. However, I do understand both of you have been in situations that no human should ever have to face. I don't know what your son has done in the past that warranted so many out-of-home placements but I'm assuming they were extreme behaviors and the placements were necessary.

However, all that has happened to both of you has got to make things that much harder. I honestly think that had you not been abused you might be able to tolerate his behavior better. Had his past not been so checkered, he might have a better chance to survive. You have PTSD at the very least. He has major anger issues. It's a nasty mix and there's no question he needs more help than you can give him.

Are you done? I don't think so. You're angry, hurt and probably scared but you love Dude. It shows. Let's hope they can find him a placement soon -- one that will honestly help him grow. Sadly, he needs so much help, not just with lifeskills but with coping in this world. I'm also willing to bet you'll be there for him to help him in any way you can. Just be willing to accept that the way you can may not be the way other mothers can.

 

[DDD]

When is your appointment with the psychiatrist that you trust and Dude likes? Can you move the appointment forward?

Of course, I don't know what Dude is like on a daily basis but difficult child no longer has violent anger fits since he is on Depakote & Risperdal BUT he
has seething emotions and anger that spills over almost exclusively AT ME. The experts say that he chooses me as his target because he knows that I am the most trustworthy person who cares for him. How's that for a bummer??? Be kind and you get ragged on..lol.

It is MY fault that his Mom is such a loser, that I "let" his Mom have a boyfriend live in the house with them, that he went to school cold some mornings because his Mom didn't have clothes ready, that other kids made fun of him in elementary, that lots of kids think he is a "weirdo" and "he has no friends".

He is a frightened child at 17 with the maturity of maybe 12 or 13. There are similarities. His biodad has NEVER tried to make contact but is required to send child support monthly. difficult child comes out with off the wall comments like "YOU never liked my Father." Huh?? Actually, I did like his father......it's his Mother I don't like.

difficult child is getting tested at Voc/Rehab this month so he can have a way to make a living. He would be victimized in a New York minute if he went out on his own. Many days I want to change the locks and just be able to breath with relaxation. I understand. DDD

 

[standswithcourage]

I hope I am done! My done moment came when time and tiime again we allowed our son to come home from jail, rehab, corrections, anytime he had gone somewhere we allowed him to come home with the idea that he would fly right - well it never happened. It always went back to the same - it was hard for him too because it was the same environment - he knew where his friends were, etc. - he was not ready to change - change is hard - also when his "friends" stole my easy child Xbox 360 and all his equipement HE had earned - that was it. We had told him he had to leave before - many times - because of his lifestyle and that he couldnt have iillegal substances here - but he continued to bring them anyway - so - now I think i have post traumatic stress syndrome because I am afraid that when he gets out of jail it will start all over - we cant allow him to come back home until he wants to live the way we want him to in OUR HOUSE - so far I am still working on it - it is hard to push them out the door but I believe my son is a survivior - a counselor said that once - if you think your son would not survive - he probably needs to be committed somewhere - I am sure you have already thought of that! Hang in there.

 

[ODAT]

I was "done" the other night when I asked my son to leave and called the police when he wouldn't.

It doesn't mean I won't ever speak to him again or won't help him.

But I want to help from a distance. He's 22 years old and is old enough to figure out how to survive.

He surprised me already by acting quickly to get a roof over his head and he actually spent HIS OWN money, something he never seemed to think he had to do while he lived with me.

Now, I know there are probably going to be some bad decisions and mistakes coming down the pike. But I hope he, for the most part, is going to be too scared by this big reality check to be a complete fool. I do want to be supportive but I don't want to do it all for him and I DON'T WANT HIM LIVING IN MY HOME AGAIN! He needs to maintain his own place to live and figure out how to compromise and get along with others.

I'm not "done" being his mother but I'm "done" with having an arrogant, out of control, overgrown teenager living in my house. A roomate who pays no rent and doesn't respect house rules and a "roomate" who, if I had to choose one, I wouldn't have chosen.

Reading stories like this one help me gain perspective:

Even eagles need a push

 

[Steely]

Hey Star...........
It's me, aka, WW.
I just wanted to send you hugs!!!
I have no clue what "done is" - in fact - if we still have to ask what it is, we probably are not done, don't you think?

One thing that is striking about Dude is he is not physically violent with you. Is he physically violent with others? Does he violently destroy things in your house?

I know you have tried medications - but what about an AP for this time he is at home? Do they calm him?

FWIW, my difficult child cannot tell time on an analog clock either - but he sure is street smart. It sounds like Dude is too.
What about the idea of you paying for a small efficiency for 6 months until he turns 18? I know mine could live on his own in terms of cooking, shopping, etc., but he still would need structure, and accountability in his life from a constant, consistent source.

Again, hugs and prayers being sent your way.

 

[Star*]

Thanks all - your understanding helps me so much. I gain new perspectives and I guess I grew somewhat of an empathy tree reading the posts.

Bunnypants- you're right. I think I probably would tolerate him a little more (if that is possible) had I not been abused. I know that once for him raising a hand to me was enough. I've been told that had we not gotten him into therapy he would be dead or in prison from a very young age. The first time he ever was abusive - I called the police. One visit - said I mean what I say about never being hit again.

As far as words and breaking things? The words he's able to contain more and the language some. Anger management was great for him to learn how to cope. I learned how to not push any buttons and defuse the situation. I do still have raw nerves on some subjects that for me are Tabu with Dude. At this point - I don't want to hear "My father has no reason to live" - sorry I'm not callous - but if he dropped over tomorrow - I wouldn't care. It would be a relief to take all the preventative measure maintenance out of my budget every year. I know someday God will look at him and he'll have a worse time answering to him than me - but someday just doesn't come soon enough when dealing with an angry child.

Since he's been home - he's broken a lot of things (middle name Grace) and he's torn apart some things (middle name snoops) and the fridge door will never be the same - I think I see some busted shelves - sigh - it's new too. And while I overlook all that and so many things a day it's unreal - and try to take one battle at a time - this child wont stop. He's into 6 battles before he gets done with one. And THAT is exhausting. I can do one or two at a time - but no one has ever met a child like him - specialists - therapists, doctors. This is why he's been so hard to place. He gets in a place - honeymoons, and then is to the wall for the rest of his stay - incites the other kids to behave like he does, and the list goes on and on.

We saw the therapist last night- and since he knows the story behind our lives - he shook his head and said - "I would get him placed and then I would detach, enjoy my life, don't buy into his games, he's got about []much empathy in his body and he's dangerous." Then he said he thought the foster home was a bad idea - too much stuff to snoop in and foster parents WILL not tolerate this kid and he'll end up in jail. Suggested Group home instead. He also said that all ALL kids want to believe that the absentee parent has good in them and that they miss the kid and love them - because they realize that they are 1/2 the nice parent (if one exists) and 1/2 the other or absentee parent. So they all want to believe the one not there - is a good person, missing them and it creates a fantasy in their heads that sometimes crosses over into reality and THAT is where the "my dad has nothing to live for" come in. So I told Dude if he wanted to contact biofather - fine. I also told him that I thought in some way his biofather loved him and cared about him, but that he will NEVER be able to raise him or live with him - that he had choices to change - and didn't. And still hasn't. But that Dude wasn't his biofather - he was a man of his own creating - and not to let thoughts that he was just like him ever enter his head. Dude said "I know I'm not like him" and I said "Forgive him - and move on in your life." I left it at that.

I found the strength today to forgive him for the hurtful and beyond ugly things he said. I made breakfast and said "Breakfast is ready" and he bounded off the couch like a little chatter box and I said "I only said breakfast was ready I did not say I was ready to talk to you again." He made a plate and then sat at the table and said "Momma will you come talk to me please?" So I grabbed a plate of food - and tried to talk to him but couldn't do anything but sob. I asked him WHEN in his entire life have I ever lied to him? He said Never. I said WHY would you believe those people over me? Why would you tell me that your "dad" has nothing to live for - have you seen the way YOU treat ME? He said he was ashamed, an Ahole, a real jerk, and he was sorry - then the kid with [] empathy pulled a chair up to mine and held me for 10 minutes saying he was sorry.

The rest of the day has been fairly mellow - All the doors in the house are locked, all the interesting things have been put up, all the sheds, and garages are locked up and reinforced. All the cleaners have been locked up, all the dog toys are gone, the animals are secured and with us - and he's been given chores to do - which of course he's waited until almost dark to start. And he'll get one done - and tell us "I tried" so -= whatever.

Thanks all -
You're the best group of friends a gal could ever ask for.
Hugs
Star

 

[meowbunny]

HUGS

I wish I didn't understand but so much of what you say sounds so familiar. Mine finally outgrew the snooping. I honestly thought she never would. I can't quite get her to understand that my room is off limits and I doubt I ever will.

Fortunately, she's not a klutz, so things rarely get broken. However, anything with a lock will. Oddly, she doesn't bother snooping in it once she can get into it, she just can't bear that something is locked. Go figure.

For someone with zero empathy, it sounds like he showed a lot today. I know it is a big thing when my daughter acknowledges she has hurt me in any way, shape or form. Strangely, she does show empathy when someone else says something she thinks hurts me. What I can't get her to understand is that unless I love someone, they really can't do much damage to me. Another go figure to me.

As to the missing parent thing, I kind of get that. When upset, she tosses in at least one comment about how much better her life would be with her biomom. No matter what, a missing parent is on a pedestal. Our kids can and do make heroes of the one missing -- much more so than the average child. For mine, I simply say that her biomom did the best she could and leave it at that.

One trick -- For my daughter, just telling her a chore has to be done gets the same thing yours does: waiting until the last minute while you sit and stew because it hasn't been done. I found that if I give her a list of chores and by when each one has to be done, it works much better for both of us. If she's amenable to doing them cause she knew she blew it big time, she will do them in the timeframe given. If she's not, at least I can fairly dole out a consequence (like no tv or computer time for the allotted chore time) and let it go.

I do hope you find a placement for him soon. He needs more than you can give him. You don't need the stress, strain and pain.