What happens with public agencies get involved...

[Shari]

How does it all start?
***
Maybe I'm just paranoid, and I hope that proves to be the case, but I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I feel that juvie or cps will be involved with us due to Wee's issues again at some point.
***
Wee did not have a stellar day at ESY today. Not awful, but not good. But in light of the switchblade incident, and the fact that cgfg is sitting at the house all day, by herself, watching tv, doing nothing, and husband is husband (compounded by the fact that at our counselor, he told them he didn't know why I disliked his parents after always telling me he agreed with me)...it makes me worry about what kind of fiasco it will turn into.
***
So...those of you who've been involved "with the system"...what's the process? Maybe I'll worry less if I know what the monster's like, ya know?

 

[DammitJanet]

I think it all depends on the state and what agency. In my case it wasnt bad at all. Our agencies seemed to have been completely separate folks. Mental Health was mental health, Social Services never got involved with that and Juvie was only involved with criminal activity. I even attempted to get social services to help me and they just looked at me befuddled like I had two heads.

I was never treated the same way KLMNO was treated. We never had to pay for Cory's public defender when he was a juvenile. I think it just is different in different states.

 

[AnnieO]

Well... It all starts with someone calling CPS.

Now, depending on the severity of the charge, they may show up unannounced, or they may call and schedule an appointment. If they are told there is dog doo in your house, and it's totally filthy, and there are drugs? They'll show up unannounced. If it's a case of "so and so said such and such", they'll schedule.

With Wee and cgfg? Unless someone actually GETS HURT? They'll schedule. Probably. You do live in a different state than I do.

My suggestion for dealing with them is... Stay calm. They look for nervousness and other indicators that you might be hiding something. Answer their questions - if you don't know, say so. If you need to look something up (name or phone number of doctor), tell them so - and then do it. They may ask for a release to speak with doctors, etc. Sign it!

If you have concerns, tell them while they are there. Try to sound worried, but not hysterical.

Make sure you get their business card, in case you think of something. You'd be surprised how often this happens.

Heck, you can always start the ball rolling. It may not go anywhere. But it's something to consider.

Oh, yeah - FWIW? It's not a monster. A lot of people see CPS as trying to take away their children. Really, CPS would rather keep the kids at home if at all possible. They might be able to open up doors to other services, too. Have you ever seen Monsters, Inc.? CPS is like Sulley. Doing a needed service, but not at ALL wanting the kids on their turf...

 

[Shari]

I used monster figuratively. Things are sometimes less daunting if you know what's coming.

I just worry how the big picture is going to look to an outsider. I don't think its good.

 

[AnnieO]

Sweetie? The "big picture" is going to be looked at as... OMG! You actually have to DEAL with ALL of THIS???

No worries, hon.

 

[Shari]

With cgfg who half-does her school work, sorta, and has her switchblade and God knows what else, and two parents who largely don't notice or don't care, one of which lives in my house? And a husband, who, if asked, will probably tell them "she just needs to be harder on him" (he says he doesn't think that, but sit back and watch him deal with Wee...its all after the fact, punishment based stuff like school tries to use that we know doesn't work instead of proactive prevention...so I just make darn sure I'm the one with Wee all the time), and who can't live without a tv? And if I'm not around, will watch whatever the heck he wants, whether Wee should be watching it or not? And his entire family who will agree that I'm the problem cause they don't have problems with Wee. Course, then there's the cousin who smokes pot while mom doesn't care, and sister who lives in a trailer behind his mom's house cause she can't support herself, with her DWI's, and then there's the in-laws, the hoarders.

The ex-in-law's are all upstanding folks. No one smokes pot or lives off their parents at 45. But I'm not tied to those people. I'm tied to the whackjobs.

I'm afraid an outsider will look at this mess and go..."Well, THERE's the kid's problem..." Despite the fact that I keep the kid as far away from all those loony tunes as possible (and I don't keep him from husband, but I darn sure limit the parenting opportunities).

Sometimes I think it would be better if we kept separate addresses til the kids were gone.

 

[AnnieO]

Sweetheart, you need a break!

Honestly? CPS may look at the whack jobs, but they won't go nuts because they're near Wee. If husband tells them you need to be harder on Wee, with his diagnosis's, and they do anything about that? husband will be the one who notices the temp is rising. Not you. If anything, you'll get sympathy.

I used to be really paranoid about CPS, after what I knew they had done to husband. But strangely, they NEVER get called on ME. And when they did show up? I used the "they are here to help us" attitude and it went really well.

Shhh, shhh, shhh... Don't try to cross that bridge before it appears in your path. Don't get yourself all worked up over something that might not happen, or might happen differently.

 

[Shari]

I'm really not trying to borrow trouble...more so trying to understand a process so I know what to expect. (unless I pull Wee out of school, I have no doubt we'll be involved with someone before its all said and done) I'm not so much afraid of them coming...I'm afraid of them focusing on all that other garbage instead.
***
And maybe all that other garbage is what needs to be focused on...heck, I don't know. I just know Wee had problems before we had garbage.
***
And yes, I desparately need a break.

 

[susiestar]

I have a feeling you would be just fine. though they may advise strongly to limit contact, they are not going to do much unless Wee is in imminent danger from something. Some of it depends onw hy they were called. You have all the documentation of the doctor visits, even driving to Tulsa to see a doctor to get the best help you can, you have the advocate, the IEP, and you are VERY active in helping Wee. You don't just dump him at school and expect them to do all of that. Most likely they will want to see a safety plan and then will let it go.

I know things are tenuous with husband. To be perfectly, brutally honest, as a single parent you would have a MUCH greater chance of no problems iwth any CPs investigation. Plus you would not be in reg contact with husband's family. That and the good relationship with your ex's family would weigh in on your side as doing all you can for Wee.

Frankly, you have done a LOT mroe than "all you can" for Wee. And you have enough experts to help tell CPS this so they are not a problem for you.

 

[Shari]

I know things are tenuous with husband. To be perfectly, brutally honest, as a single parent you would have a MUCH greater chance of no problems iwth any CPs investigation. Plus you would not be in reg contact with husband's family. That and the good relationship with your ex's family would weigh in on your side as doing all you can for Wee.

Quite honestly, Susie, that's the part that bothers me most. Most likely, it will be a call from school for Wee's behavior again. And yes, husband's stupid behavior has been the only thing that's garnered us any attention from CPS, but, it happened, and is on record, and it really REALLY bothers me. But, I figured if I try to understand how the process works, and how husband and the family's crapola fit into the picture, then I can do what I can to mitigate risk.

If husband wasn't willing to get rid of that knife in a show of negativity, it kinda suprised me how ok I was with saying "then you and Cgfg need to be staying elsewhere". I didn't say it; I opted to give him the opportunity to step up and do what he should, and he did, but it was on the tip of my tongue, and I had to refrain FROM saying it. But honestly, that's the reality of what I'm dealing with and living in - an entire sector of this family that believes its just "do what you want, as long as those who don't approve don't see it". And how is that going to come into play for Wee and me when the chips are down and it really matters?

 

[DaisyFace]

Shari--

Why not make a pre-emptive call to CPS yourself?

I called CPS a couple of years ago now - and they turned me on to resources we hadn't tried yet. In my experience, they are eager to help.....and would rather provide services and information to help rather than prosecute people.

 

[Shari]

I've thought about that, too. General consensus was don't, but I'm not against it. I don't know how far involved CPS would get, if this happens. I don't know how tied up they are with juvie, and would suspect juvie will be who gets the call. However, if they go looking (and I'm assuming they'll at least check with CPS and see if we've had anything filed, etc), they will find husband's stupid shooting cgfg in the butt with an air soft gun incident. And, in my "fantasy" lol, the school makes the call, and the school threatened to turn me in because Wee "stunk" back when he first started school (because he didn't wear socks). And as luck would have it, before the restaurant owner kicked them out for Wee smelling like pee when I had my accident and husband couldn't bring himself to do laundry, Wee gave the school janitor, who was there having breakfast with his family, a hug...

Our county case manager has worked with CPS and her and her entire agency assure me there is nothing more in this county that anyone can offer. We assume that was the reasoning behind the initial charge with juvie - the school attempting to get more services for Wee. Even then, juvie said there just aren't any more.

 

[DaisyFace]

Shari--

When I called CPS for myself - I got TONS of information and answers to my questions...

Names, phone numbers, resources at other agencies, strategies for handling different situations -

and I never even gave my name!

 

[DammitJanet]

shari...given that I dont live in your state I dont want to say 100% not to worry but I would say most likely not to worry. My house is a shambles and always has been. I mean a shambles. I will never be June Cleaver. I have had CPS called on me 3 times. Nothing has ever happened to me. They dont want to take kids like ours into the system because they dont have the resources either. We are just as smart as the 20 something case workers. Trust me on that one...I worked with them.

I have always heard about people having the social workers coming into the homes and checking the fridges and bedrooms. They never did that with me. The first time they came was because some idiot called when they saw Cory walking around outside in April in socks. He was 2 and a half and he had problem with his feet so he wore special shoes and according to his doctor he was to wear these shoes two weeks on and one week off. It was his one week off and because of the way his feet were shaped at that time no other shoe fit so we just kept socks on his feet. We live in the south, April was warm. Duh. No biggie. Of course I didnt let him out in the cold...lol. CPS left.

Next time was when Cory was 11 and he had a tech that was supposed to be watching him during the summer while I worked. No daycare would touch him. Jamie was 13 at the time...almost 14 and Cory was almost 12 at the time. Both old enough in our state to stay home alone by themselves and Jamie was old enough to be a babysitter. Well...this tech was supposed to pick Cory up at my work the first several days she was to work with him because she didnt know where we lived because we had just moved and we live in the boonies. I had Cory in my office and she was late the first three days and I called her agency and fired her. She got mad and called CPS on me. Claimed I was leaving all 3 of my boys alone during the summer. Okay,that was interesting because only two of them lived with me and even if I was leaving all three...that would be better because Billy is 5 years older than Cory! So a 16 year old would have been watching them...lol.

Even the last time when somehow when I emailed the head of human services and I knew I was going to get fall out and they tried to claim I hit Cory with a 2 x 4 the only thing they did was come and make me sign a paper saying that I wouldnt hit him with wooden objects...lol.

 

[Shari]

I hope you're right. I think I'll talk to our county case worker about it. I'm probably worrying too much, but it also remains a fact that Wee has been one of this districts most difficult and aggressive kids... I guess I'm thinking that when this goes down, we need to make damn sure, as parents, we've done all we can.

 

[confuzzled]

there is no such thing as "there are no more resouces". you just havent made the right phone call to the right person yet. i know what it seems like--no help, no nothing is out there and that the thought of *one more phone call* seems impossible, but thats the way it is. sometimes the less tied into the system you are, the harder it is to track down services. it has personally taken me almost 19 years to get a basic need filled and have made more phone calls to agencies/people/insurance companies than you can fathom. in fact, it was almost dumb luck--my contact "lost" my info and as i was getting ready to throw out yet another dead end scrap of paper with a phone number on it, i decided to call *one more time* to see wth happened.

that phone call, after all these years, has become a literal life changing event in my world of gfgdom. i had been told no probably 3.974,977 times prior to that day.

i'm not pro or con calling cps or juvie, but i am pro calling any benign agencies or people in your state when you can have the mindset that "this is a waste of a day, but what if* (nothing frustrates me more than the buracracy, red tape and dead ends, i think i'm human, lol). i also think you have to make contacts throughout the state, not your region--even if they are wildly unappropriate or too far to be practical, they often have big brains to pick for something more appropriate or closer to home. i literally have a gigantic folder with brochures, business cards, jotted down notes--most of which would never work for us, but you never know. i've been doing it since difficult child 1 was a baby...i'd take brochures from over 21 agencies, transition to work people, miscellaneous equipment vendors, whatever, and i cant tell you just how many times over the years i look through it and go "oh! let me touch base with whomever....it gives me SOME kind of a starting point, if that makes sense. like, even though wee is young, and hopefully you'd never need to know, i'd add stuff like I don't know "SAT prep for the dyslexic" or "Friday Night Teen Night"...whatever. make it an ongoing resource for yourself.

and fwiw--if cps intervened in every kids life that comes from assorted unstable stock, there wouldnt be enough acreage in the country to build homes to house them all.

i hope you find someone, somewhere that can give you a direction to go it. personally, i call even people who dont seem remotely pertinent to either difficult child's situation--i've called social work depts in every medical facility and every specialty private school in my state, i've sat in on random diagnosis support groups, i've called every number in the blue pages, i've googled to death, and i talk to any parent who even gives off the scent of living in some kind of gfgdom. (local parents are seriously the best resource--they know it all...i once went to a Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) parent group and each parent was sitting there with their agendas out trading resources--legitimate resources, not dead ends--and it was great).

for today though, relax.

 

[Shari]

Oh there are more resources, but until I become unemployed and we are on Medicaid or wee commits a more serious crime, we can't get them. Not sure we want them, either.

Like you, I've beat down doors of I don't know how many. I am personal Facebook friends with 2 state representatives that aren't even for my district, but one was a proponent of an autism bill. Just Sunday, I was given a dyslexic reading program that is normally sold to schools for $2000 and the publisher rep's home phone number... I'm still beating on doors. But if there are more services available, I wanna make dang sure they see Wee needs real help, not the same kind of help he rest of the quacks around me need. (and I'm sorry, I love husband, but he's not the sharpest tool in the shed sometimes, either....)

 

[confuzzled]

how freakin' funny--this just came in my facebook: http://store.samhsa.gov/product/Building-Blocks-for-a-Healthy-Future-Kit/SMA07-4305. most likely for very young kids, but dig around up top for more publications--mental health, substance abuse, systems, etc. it looks like every state (including op's) has a print resource guide--who knows if its useful or not, but i ordered mine. it looks like a wealth of information, some parent friendly, some probably more clinically oriented, but often those kind are useful too--thats the kind of pub you find out about the 3 bed unit for hermaphrodite child hoarders in bumblefock

i'm impressed they actually had 3 pubs specifically for conduct disorders, lol.

 

[JJJ]

Have a back-up plan in case CPS is called and husband puts his foot in it and you are told to get Wee away from husband or they will. Would ex-inlaws give you a place to stay on a moments notice until you could relocate (maybe to a major city with a school district that actually knows how to help kids???).

 

[1905]

Don't worry about the school, they won't call. Here's why: Wee is at ESY, that's a Special Education program. He has behavior issues and that's why he's there. It's not his fault, and hopefully they're working on ways he can communicate and of course they won't (and shouldn't) punish him, or think less of him, or your family. In fact, the opposite will be true. They'll be more forgiving, kind and loving toward him. Please don't worry.

I work as a classroom assistant with autistic K-3rd grade. We have a 2nd grade student who pinches me all day long. When he does that, he's trying to tell me something (he's non-verbal). I feel so bad that he's upset and try to figure out what he wants. I even say "show me". Or he'll grab my hand and bring me somewhere. I love this kid to pieces, I love all our students, the point is, I would NEVER get mad at these kids. We don't allow him to pinch, nor do we give him a consequence other than a firm "No" because he wouldn't undertand anything else!!! And Wee's teachers are understanding of his behaviors and won't think less of you, his home life or him, and won't call CPS. They should be supportive, all behavior is communication, and they can figure out what he wants and show him the best way to achieve his goals. He's only 7, I hope that they're nothing but gentle and kind to him all day long. What I mean is, they have to help him, not call CPS. Unless I'm missing something.