What have i done so wrong to make my adult daughter dislike me so much?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by elliedeb, Aug 6, 2013.

  1. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    I have read your reply. And harsh as it sounded, and difficult for me to read, I know you are right. She is playing games of divide and rule, a lesson she learned from a young age from her Father. He still does the same with all the kids even now that they are grown up. I am going to speak to my husband and we have to agree to stay united. He always says to her that I love her and am the best Mum she could have. He always defends me, however she is playing games and we do not need to take part. I desperately miss my Grand daughter and want to see her so much. Its been two weeks now. I know that she has been unwell, as my daughter rang me to tell me the baby had a temperature and what should she do? She only contacts me if she needs something. Has never, ever rang me in her life to see how I am. I realise that I am actually quite angry now. I do not want to subjugate myself and be her door mat, just to have her in my life. I need to value myself. I have always been a people pleaser due to my childhood. I don't like walking on eggshells, and confrontation so try to keep the peace all the time. I too have a temper, but I keep it in check. I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for all your wise and kind words.
     
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Speaking of walking on eggshells, there is a great book called Stop Walking on Eggshells for those dealing with a borderline! Here it is, in case you may want to read it! I tried posting the link, but the forum won't let me. Not sure why. Anyhow, it is called Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason, MS and Randi Kreger. You can order it off of Amazon.

    I don't mean to sound harsh. I just tell it like I see it and had to face the same with my own kids in order to learn how to heal from their cruelty. I had one grown child who walked out of my life and that was really hard. In my family-of-origin I've had to almost walk from all of them and I believe my sister has borderline and that my mother did. The more I tried, the less it worked (to make them like me). So I learned coping skills and realistic thinking to get me through and I stopped the magical thinking of "If I'm Just Nice Enough They Will Change."

    People are what they are and they only change their basic personalities with intensive therapy and very hard work and a strong desire...and they have to be able to look at and accept their own flaws and stop blaming others. Nothing else changes them, not even a pregnancy that WE see as sacred. Most are horrible mothers, which...YOU ARE NOT!

    Don't join in your daughter's cruel game and don't participate with those who still do. Just tell them calmly, "Sorry, but I am keeping this between your sister/stepdaughter and me and I will not listen to anything you know unless she tells me. It is getting too out of control and I prefer to simplify my life and enjoy it more now." Smile and be firm. Be certain to leave the room hastily if they insist on continuing to tell you things or if they say, "But I just thought you'd want to know..." Cut them off as you walk away and say, "No, I really don't. I have something to do now." Change the subject and get out of there. If I were you, which I'm not, I'd not answer your borderline's text messages for a long time right now and keep her on low contact. As a borderline, she is never going to be straight up good to you unless she wants something and she is going to lie a lot. So why put yourself through it until you have gone through lots of therapy and know how to handle her? She will be tricky to handle.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2015
  3. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Thanks for that will look it up on Amazon. Since replying to you I have had a major meltdown, as my step daughter rang her Dad, my husband to say that she is having lunch with my daughter and grand daughter just 10 minutes up the road from my house. My daughter is drawing everyone around her, and ostracising me. This is her classic behaviour, she is talking to everyone but me. She has done this many times. I have argued with my husband, and am so angry with it all. I want to live my life without pain and game playing. I am disgusted with myself, and the way she has dominated my thinking and life for so long. I am so sad and angry. I know I need to get a grip, but am finding it very difficult. If I had the money I would go get counselling to speak to someone other than my husband. I have good friends but feel embarassed and ashamed of my situation. They know what she was like as a teenager, but we all thought she had outgrown this behaviour. She really is unwell and needs help. Hopefully my daughters counsellor will recognise whats going on and help her. I have to overcome this as I can't go on this way.
     
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Calm down. That is what th ey do. It is their game plan. My mother did this. You know what will send a strong message to all? You're lack of a response. My mother and sister have both done this. If your stepdaughter wants to play, you can't stop her, but your meltdown is part of her game. Do not act upset around her. You need a therapist for that. Just nod and say, "Ok."

    Borderlines usually blow their covers to everyone. It just takes time. Hang out with those outside of your family for now and realize you are up against a MASTER of manipulation who can act charming when it suits her needs. Even if you have no money, wherever you live there must be free counseling somewhere. We even have it in the U.s...lol. If you have a religious preference you can talk to your pastor.

    Your daughter is unwell, yes, but borderlines don't just get well. Most never go for help. It's not your place to force the issue since she will probably never decide she is ill and to change. She is not psychotic. She knows right from wrong. She knows what she is doing is not nice, and she doesn't care. You can only change yourself, not her. Don't waste your time. A counselor can not help her if she does not believe she needs to change and dialectal behavioral therapy is the only type of therapy known to help willing and eager and very hardworking borderlines. Most of the time, the borderlines con their own therapists. Don't wait for your daughter to change. Change yourself and your reaction to her sick games and do all you can to learn how to not get drawn into them, even if the rest of your family does. And seek companionship outside of your family. You'll get a view of normalcy! Everyone is so wrapped up in your daughter's illness and so eager not to be her target that they are playing her game. You need to bow out of the game. You can overcome your own reaction to her, but you can not help her. Personality disordered individuals are liars, troublemakers, like to gaslight (look this up), and play divide and conquer and will do so if you let them. They enjoy the chaos and fighting and drama, but if something happens to THEM it's "poor me." But dfon't try to help. It will never be enough and will be YOUR fault if you step in again out of your having a good heart. She won't appreciate it.

    All I can advise is not to play, no matter how hard it is. I'm sorry about your granddaughter, but she will need to learn how to overcome her mother one day and her mother will use her against you. It's not worth it. You can't save her either. Having borderline does not make one legally an "unfit" mother. It is not th e kind of mental illness where one can not work or feed or clothe the child. Just get yourself out of the game. Do it now. Don't play. Hugs!!!!
     
  5. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I think it is very hard not to get emotionally sucked in, even when we know our Difficult Child is playing the same tired games. Why? Because we have the feelings, that they are missing.
    I learned this saying a long time ago - if you don't want to be a doormat, get off the floor! In this situation it applies as in she is purposely hurting your feelings and you are emotionally "on the floor" over what she is doing. Don't let her draw you into her sick games. When the family meets with her, try to find something pleasant that you can do for yourself that soothes you. Once you learn to put yourself first, no matter what dysfunctional people are doing, the sting of what they do will naturally fall away. Actually you are lucky in that you do not "have" to see her, knowing that she is only meeting the others to entangle them in her web. Better to be left out than be a player in a game you don't want to play!
     
  6. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Thanks so much for all your advice. You give me strength, as I am feeling so powerless at the moment. Knowing that she is up the road laughing without a care in the world upsets me. Knowing that my 18 month old grand daughter is there and I cant see her is devastating. When I see my step daugher I am not going to ask how her lunch went, as this is what my daughter wants. I refuse to play these sadistic toxic games. I have decided to go out to the cinema and next week will start looking for some sort of counselling to help me deal with this situation better. I need some insight into what I can do and should do to overcome the pain. And indeed get on with my life. Its my Birthday next week, last year we all went out for my birthday and it was wonderful, however this year I don't feel like celebrating with my fake family. ,My daughter gave me a lovely canvas with my granddaughters hand prints, together with an extravagant gift that I know her wealthy husband paid for. She usually writes lovely cards stating how much she appreciates and loves me. However actions speak louder than words and whenever things are not right in her life she always attacks me. I just want to see my friends who always ring and ask after me practically every day. All I need and want from my children is love and respect. I don't want massive gestures. My mum was incredibly abusive to me as a child, but I never hated her or villified her and knew that she was mentally ill. She has since been sectioned at aged 70 unfortunately too little too late. All my life I tried to be a good mother, and be the opposite to my own mother. I would listen, discuss, support and try to be understanding giving unconditional love. I have in fact become a door mat. They know I am always there for them and take this for granted. I wish I had a mum or even a Dad, but I have neither. I had a wonderful Grandmother who bought me up till I was 7 years of age, who gave me loads of love and affection. I never had a kind word of love or affection from my mum because she was unwell. I understand that. My children have been very lucky, that I was the way I was. Their father is distant and absent and always has been. When my son was unhappy and owed a lot of money, my ex husband rang me to say that he was concerned about him, and could I deal with it as he would be un contactable for the next 3 weeks as he was going on holiday. My son was in a desperate situation, but this was typical of my ex. Since he left us some 16 years ago he has been unavailable emotionally to the children, and I feel this has had a very damaging effect. I know I am rambling on and I need help. Next week I will try and find a counsellor that I can afford. I thank the Lord for your kind advice, and words. i have a lovely husband and good friends. My work saves me as I work with pre schoolers who are adorable. They do not however fill the void that I have where my grand daughter should be. Thank you so much.x
     
  7. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Since the new healthcare laws went into effect, counseling has become more affordable as now mental health is under the new law. It is my Birthday too, and I can't help but think how mean my daughter was last year for my birthday so yes you are better off celebrating with those that love you than with "false" people who really could care less to wish you happiness. If I miss it - Happy Birthday fellow Pisces!
     
  8. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    I know how you feel. I have always made a fuss of my kids birthdays, parties etc days out as I have never had a birthday party in my whole life. I had my first birthday cake just three years ago with my name on it, and that was my best friend who organized that! I am 51 years old. The last two years my husband as tried to make my birthday special. One year I was on crutches and I needed a lift from the hospital and my daughter said she would pick me up. I waited 45 minutes and gave up got a taxi that I couldn't afford. I never even mentioned it to her, as she texted me by "accident" a horrible message that was intended for her friend, about me being needy and she is sick of my faking my injury. She said loads of horrible things and mistakenly sent it to me! After that she didn't speak to me for three weeks. I never even bothered discussing this with her. I was an inconvenience, yet if she breaks a nail she wants me to fix it. This was several days before my birthday. I had torn my ligament and it was extremely painful. I live in the UK and will go to my doctor on Monday, for sure to get help. I need to be a stronger person and toughen this situation out. I have so many stories of her nasty behaviour towards me. I have only spoken about the tip of it all. Maybe I do need help, as I have dismissed it all as being in the past. Living in hope that we had gotten to a better place, but I was deluded. Do you think that I should buy the borderline personality book Walking on Eggshells and give it to her? Or is that too antagonistic? x
     
  9. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Neither have I, and when I told my daughter that (last year when we were speaking), she said, and I quote: "mommy that is so sad, this year we are going to make sure you have the best birthday party ever this year" . Well no plans were made and then at the last minute we went to lunch and my husband paid. On top of that as my birthday got closer, she asked me what I wanted so I told her exactly, it was a Coach purse from Coach online outlet. Even showed the picture of the exact one after SHE asked. So what did she do? She bought another one - for more money - in colors I hate. I have NEVER USED it, because it just pee's me off when I even look at it. Why ask if you are going to do what you want to anyway. I could never figure out if she did it on purpose, but I know her very well and it her "my way, I know better than you what you want, attitude" that made me angry. It would have been better to NOT get many any Coach product than to give me something I didn't want after she asked! GRRRR.......(I believe if someone has no idea of what to give you as a gift, AND THEY ASK YOU, you to tell them, as it is better to let them know than leave them scrambling to find something you may not even want)

    I think you should purchase the book - but only if you want to learn more about her personality disorder. Personally I made my own by researching my daughters disorder - sociopath - and keep both print copies and in word documents. I don't think giving it to her is a good idea. First of all she isn't going to see herself in it, second, you would be throwing money away because she will likely just toss it and lastly, she is just going to say you are mean and hateful for giving her that type of book. No need to throw gasoline on the fire.
     
  10. pandora404

    pandora404 New Member

    Hi Billy
    That book is intended for the non personality disordered, for example, you. Your daughter would get nothing out of it.
    Probably no point in giving her books at all.
    That daughter's behaviour is mean and hurtful. Detach. Detach. Detach.
     
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    If you take anything away from here at all, it is pleast STOP engaging your daughter in any way. She won't read anything you give her. She will turn it on YOU and say YOU have it...she will have a meltdown of all meltdown. Accept that there is NOTHING you can do and do NOTHING. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is not to speak to her or about her to anybody. In fact it is a survival skill with this type of person. I understand she is your daughter and you love her and your granddaughter, but t here is NOTHING you can do by trying to engage her at all. You won't make it better. You will cause even more drama. She WANTS you to engage her so she can go after you like an enraged tiger. DON'T DO IT! Don't even let anybody else talk to you about her. Get away from it. Emotionally detach. With a person like your daughter, you have no choice. If you don't do it, she will detach on her own just to hurt you. You are good and strong. If she doesn't know that, it is her problem, but you can't make her like you. Please, please learn more before you do a thing!!! Forget the birthday this year. You have the flu, right?

    You have been warned.


    'Billy, your childhood sounds a lot like mine, although my mom was probably borderline and my dad is definitely narcissistic. I was the family scapegoat, which happens when your parents have personality disorders. Are they inherited? The newest research indicates that yes, they are in part therefore no matter how good a mother you were (and I believe that you were a great one) you could not change your daughter's faulty brain wiring and she has no desire to change herself right now. This is really not about you or your parenting at all. You didn't do anything wrong. You are trying to live with a full blown borderline (most likely) and they are all about hit and win and divide and conquer and they change their minds within a minute. It can mimic bipolar, but bipolar does not make somebody vicious. And the mood changes are not usually as quick. Bipolar does not cause abusive behavior although often borderline and bipolar co-exist. There are no medications for borderline.

    I learned a lot about borderline because, due to some traits, I was convinced I had had it and had just worked very hard to overcome the negative traits I had. I think it could be true. I think I have read every borderline book that is out there. I joined a group. I went for an assessment at a university hospital. I was told "traits" maybe, but that's all. I don't have the full spectrum and have a huge desire not to act on any traits I do have, such as shutting people out or being manipulative. But before it was ruled out, I read, read, read and upped the therapy level to make sure I did not act like a borderline or, if I did happen to make a mistake in how I treated somebody, I humbly apologized and took the blame that was necessary for both of us to feel better. So my life's story took me through lessons about borderline personality disorder. I learned that my mother had traits too and that my sister also does. My mother was vicious. My sister was just whiny, needy, and could never take the blame for anything. Even so, borderline traits are hard to deal with and people who do have them are often easily ticked off and leave you, usually for long periods of time as a punishment. They do not work things out. My mother didn't speak to me for over ten years...twenty, I think, because of a long story (it is on Watercooler somewhere). Basically I would not do some3thing to my children that somebody else wanted me to do. It would have been very hurtful, but she wanted ME to do it although I begged the other person not to do it. It has to do with inheritance and giving money to only one child, my bioloigical child and leaving out my adopted kids. I said if it were put in my hands, I'd split the money. It wasn't even a lot of money. At any rate...yeah.

    She slapped back at me from the grave too. She disinherited me and told my sibs to leave me out of the obit. I didn't care about her stupid money, except that it meant she didn't care for me at all. Isn't that mean? That's borderline. During the years, I had sent her so many love letters. I even took the blame for whatever she was angry about, although I was not specific because I did not really believe I was wrong. She never gaven AN INCH. She never called me. She did not send my kids birthday cards. They didn't even know her, thank God. She didn't want them to know her. Neither did I!!!! My two siblings never once said, "Mom, you know, Sis is pretty nice. Why are you doing this? It's not right." Now, they didn't have to stick up for me or get involved. However, it bothers me that neither of them said that to her even one time and just let her keep abusing me, like the bullied kid who has a posse of kids standing around watching but refusing to get involved even a little to stop the bullying. I don't talk to Sis or Bro either, but mostly it is because of their wishes and Sissy's abuse. The apple sometimes doesn't fall far from the tree...and the apple can be grandmas or uncles...not just sisters. And it can be ex husbands who contribute 50% DNA.

    You can't win against a borderline. They will break society's rules to "win." My sister called the cops on me many times simply because when she cut me off and shocked me I'd call back trying to get her to explain why she was doing it. It scared my young children to see the cops come over.

    You can't beat a borederline. But you can learn how to have a good life and not get involved if you have a loved one who has this personality disorder. Reading the book is a good start. Therapy is good. Look at borderline central on the internet. It is all about how to live with people who have this disorder. Or not to live with them...your choice or THEIR choice. Borderlines are known for the famous "cut-you-off haha!" Borederline Central is very helpful and will teach you a lot and help you decide if your daughter really has it because, of course, we are not professionals here.

    Let us know how it goes!!!! Be good to yourself today...with people who will respect you and treat you well, even if that means your beloved friends. Often friends are nicer to us than family. Family is simply by random...DNA. Hugs!!!!!
     
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    There are predatory people in the world. It may be a genetic thing. If we have been raised by a predator, we are vulnerable to other predators until we learn to see predators for what they are.

    I think they do not change.

    I think they have no capacity for empathy.

    You cannot control anyone but yourself.

    None of this is your doing.

    Nothing you can do will change what feels good to your daughter.

    Your daughter is playing a game, and by remaining emotionally entrenched in it, you are allowing yourself to play, too.

    I am so sorry for the hurt of it.

    Your child is abusive. As it is whenever we are involved with an abuser, whether the abuser is a mate, a child, a parent or a friend, we are the ones who must change or nothing will ever change because the abuser set it up to be exactly how he or she wants it to be.

    Look into what you know of the abuser's past.

    That is their future, too. If you are still playing their game with them, they will call in the chips and one day, you will be hurt.

    I think there is not even anything personal in this.

    I am glad you are posting here to us. There are so many of us here on the site that you will receive many different interpretations of what is happening and how best to survive it.

    Wishing you well, this morning.

    I know it is a hard thing to face.

    I am so sorry for the pain of it. You can do this. It will take some time to see clearly where you are, and to come into balance around the changed facts. There is a sadness in acknowledging that someone we love is okay with hurting us and even, meticulously plans to hurt us and takes pleasure in our pain or confusion.

    But it is better to know.

    As our Seeking Strength tells us, stay close to the site, now.

    Cedar
     
  13. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Think this will be my mantra "Detach, detach, detach" After reading every reply I must say a big Thank you to all of you for your words of wisdom, and sympathy. MidwestMom you are so right. I do believe it can be hereditary as my Mum cut me out of her life 25 years ago,she never bothered with any of my kids or me. She played these games too and pitted my sister against me all our lives. My sister and I only see each other maybe 3 times a year and only live 15 minutes away from each other. She too will come literally to a restaurant down the road and not visit me. When I had a cancer scare last year, she knew about it but never contacted me to see if the results were ok or not. I don't want to repeat history with my daughter but it seems inevitable. Today I went to the cinema and for two hours forgot my situation. I do believe that my daughter has Borderline personality disorder maybe with a little narcissim thrown in. She behaves like my mum a lot. I never connected the dots until I joined this forum. I spent the rest of the day researching these subjects, and it scares me that my daughter is like that. I still think it could be partly my fault as some articles state that its also environmental as in someones childhood. Her Dad left when she was 12 for his secretary, and I took him back two times. We argued a great deal as he mistreated us and was a very selfish man. He neglected the kids emotionally and physically. When he finally left I was devastated as we had been together since we were 16 so at 36 I was alone with 3 kids under the age of 12. I cried so much and was very angry. My daughter sided with him and blamed me for his leaving, even when he told her he was to blame. I tried so hard to be a good Mum but at times I lost my temper and shouted at her when she was rude, or in trouble at school. I never hit her ever, even when she hit and shoved me. I didn't want to be like my Mum. She would be very nasty to me then sweet as honey the next with other people. She would lie, steal from me, stay out all night and only be nice if she wanted something. Once she had what she wanted she would be horrible again. I don't even want to see her next week for my birthday as its all false. She may contact me as she doesn't want her siblings to think shes bad. But I don't even want to see her now, I just dont
    want to lose my grand daughter. If I m too busy she will tell them its my fault and that she tried. She is so clever. I am a typical piscean who wears her heart on her sleeve. I need to toughen up. I feel pathetic. My mum rejected me, my ex husband, my Dad and now my daughter. At times like this I feel there must be something wrong with me. But I know deep down I am not a bad person, my heart is always in the right place. I never hurt any one on purpose and If I do hurt someone I always apologise. I need to focus on positivity and good people around me. Your mum sounds a lot like mine and I can't believe how hard you have had it with your family too. I m really sad for you and feel bad that you too have suffered with all this craziness toxic behaviours. Its so sad, If only we could all sit down and talk and get to a better place. But unfortunately it takes two willing people to have a relationship. With people such as these they take and don't give anything in return except abuse. Thanks again for everything to everyone out there. I really appreciate this forum, its given me a life line.
     
  14. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Detach, detach, detach. This will be my mantra. I have to keep saying this to myself. My daughter finds it very easy to do this, but I don't as my heart is breaking especially with regard to my eighteen month old grand daughter. I worry how this will influence her. My husband and I adore her and she us, she gets so excited when she comes to stay. It has been nearly three weeks now since she has stayed with us and two since we last saw her. She is used to seeing us and i am scared that she will forget us. And if this continues will she poison her against us? Detach, detach, detach. Thank you.
     
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Billy...it is the game of your Dysnfunctional Family of Origin and unfortunately, it can spill into the next gneration, even though it sounds like you did all you could. You yelled? Really? Do you think any parent on earth has not yelled, sometimes too much? Your husband left you for his secretary, which probably did not do great things for the one with the borderline DNA, but you certainly didn't cause her to be this way. They are just now starting to lean toward heredity and a predisposition to borderline in the scientific world. And if your ex husband didn't have some sort of personality disorder, on top of your mother, then I'm a monkey's uncle ;) and that's not possible because I'm a female :) Your daughter inherited some nasty DNA from many sources and her father ran off with his secretary and no matter what SHE says, if anything environmentally triggered her nasty DNA to come to life, it was that. Words from a borderline are often nonsense. Don't take them to heart. They are flung out there to see who they can hurt the most. Obviously she knows YOU are softhearted. That's how we ALL ended up being victimized. We were the sensitive ones and the predators pounced all over up for sport. Let's analyze this further.

    How many kids come from divorced homes? 50%? Are most of them borderline? No, of course not. Your daughter is playing the borderline dance of "I'm unhappy so I'm going to make my unhappiness somebody else's fault and punish that person." No borderline is happy so they start fights, trouble, and need to be IN CONTROL of EVERYONE or they can literally wig out. They often lose everyone they try to control in the end.

    Let's explore those losses you had. I have had many losses too. Let's be straight up here. It is darn hard to have a loving ending to a realtionship with a borderline or other type of personality disordered parent so we were both going to be left by them. Is it us? Well, only as far as we cared more, they figured that out, and decided we were somehow going to be the bad guy for their miserable lives. They would punish and hurt us because SOMEBODY has to be at blame for their misery and it sure can't be THEM. Divide and conquer is thy name and thy game. I lost my mother, my sister, my brother and my Goneboy son and, in the end, I lost nobody because there were never really there to begin with. They were never people who cared for me so I could not lose them.

    I do have blessings. I have my wonderful husband and four awesome adult children who love me no matter what. So if I'm so terrible, why do THEY love me?

    Those who left you, were not well. Now let's do more exploration. You have a lot of friends. Hmmmm. I guess they like you because they are not looking to play games or for victims. They see your loving heart and enjoy your stability and goodness. They are not playing games to hurt you.

    It is your daughter who is acting awful. In the process, others, who may be a bit inclined in her negative ways, or who just don't want her wrath are staying out of it or sticking by her. You can never stop that. All you can do is decide how you want to handle those who still see her and one way to mellow it out is to be firm about not allowing them to talk to you about her. They should understand and want to make you feel good. If they start up, THEY are playing games too. There are infinite topics to talk about. Your daughter who treats you like garbage does not have to be one of those topics.

    You can not help your granddaughter and trying to be in her life will probably end up with your never being in her life and your daughter trash talking you to her. Give her time to grow up and come to you on her own. Right now it is truly best to let this daughter go...emotionally detach. No contact from her is good contact. It is sad this poor grandchild is being raised by her, but you can't do anything about it. Sometimes we have to admit some very hard truths...that we can not do anything about certain sad situations. And we need to continue to live our lives.

    I have learned both in real life and in intensive therapy with top professionals that I have no power to sit down and make somebody change. A change in a relationship requires that the other person not only is willing and eager for the relationship to get better, but is also willing and able to admit her/his part in the problem and to work hard to change the way things are. I tried with my mom. I tried with my sister. I tried with Goneboy. I ended up hurt and nothing changed. I feel much better since I have let them fly away on their own, even my past memories of them, and tell myself it is what it is. Period. I can't control it. But, boy, I have sooooooooooooooo many blessings too, more than most.

    When I wake up each morning, this is my routine, before I even open my eyes. First, I say the Serenity Prayer, which I feel is great wisdom. "God, grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I can not change, the COURAGE to change thing things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference." After that, I get up quietly and enjoy a hot cuppa coffee (which soothes me) and I thank God for all my blessings. "Dearest Highest Power: I am so grateful for my wonderful husband who has such a good heart and has always stood by me. I thank you for my son Bart, flaws and all, and his great love for me and for my healthy grandson who also loves me. I am thankful for my daughter Princess and her sweet nature and her gorgeous little baby, Buddha Baby, who smiles every time she sees me on her screen and how she squeals when I visit her. I am grateful to my very special children that I raised with my current husband, my wonderful Jumper and my very special Sonic. I am grateful for all the love in my life. I am grateful for my wonderful dogs. I am grateful to have been blessed with great health."

    I do not think about the boy who we adopted who abused my youngest, my ex husband, my mother, my other horror stories of the past because they have no place for my morning blessings and no place in my thoughts anymore. Just because they didn't like me doesn't mean they had any good reason not to and I refuse to give them that much of my time and never in the morning.

    Always count your blessings to remind you that you are worthwhile and many people value you.

    I would get into marital counseling with your husband if you wish to stay with him. He is not helping you with his contact with Borderline Daughter.

    Do not blame yourself for your daughter. And don't listen to anyone else blame you. You have a right to a serene, peaceful, and drama free life in which you weed out the toxic people, no matter who they are. You can do this. Many of us have. It feels great. It is why my life is happy now, when once it was so full of self-doubt and misery. You don't deserve that. I didn't deserve it. You just have to realize it and decide how wonderful you want the rest of your life to be. And then live your life that way. Do get professional help though. It is so helpful. And we are always here.
     
  16. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

     
  17. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Can't believe how together you are as a person. I wish and hope and pray that I too will be like you one day. I acknowledge my dreadful childhood and do not dwell on it. I just need to find peace in my current situation somehow. Just really worried for my grand daughter. My daughter is not a coper and we have been with her all through her pregnancy helping her in every way. I don't want my grand daughter to suffer. She needs us and we need her. My son in law is a lovely man, but fear that he will get fed up in the end and leave. I have to somehow look after myself in all this as this is making me ill. Selfishly, I have to save myself. I will always love my daughter and will never stop wishing, and hoping to save her. Maybe her counsellor will see through her act and give her the help she needs. I will try so hard to heed your words and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your help. This forum will be my saviour. Thank you all so much x
     
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi again, Billy. Remember, that your son in law is also your granddaugher's parent so if he gets fed up with your daughter and leaves, he can fight for custody and win. It's not just a woman's game these days. That would help her. Other than that there is nothing you can do for your granddaughter. Pray. That's it. She will find strength in herself and deal with it as you and I did. You can't get custody away from her parents so you have no say and it's best to accept it. What other choice do you have? Worrying?

    It is NOT selfish to take care of yourself. It is selfish NOT to. Not only is it unkind to neglect yourself because YOU matter as much as your kids, but your healthy and loving loved ones want and need a functioning, happy you. This world does not revolve around your daughter. There are many in your life. She just seems bigger because she caues you grief. With therapy and wisdom you will learn how fruitless it is to engage in the games and to worry about things you can not help.

    Which brings me to this: You can't help her. There is NOTHING you can do to make her a good person. Her regular fly-by-night therapist can't help her, even if he sees the borderline. Nobody can help her unless she makes a strong commitment to allowing others to correct her thinking and behavioral problems and is willing to put in a monster's share of work to change and the need and want has to come from her. Nobody can talk her into believing there is even anything wrong with her. Most borderlines refuse help and walk out of therapists and abuse them and frnkly most therapists are not able to handle borderlines and don't embrace them as patients because, just like they walk all over everyone else, they walk all over therapists too and tend to dump them like yesterday's garbage. Do not live in the hope that our daughter will magically change or that somebody else other than herself can save her. To be honst, most borderlines never admit they have problems and never change. The ones that do are extremely motivated and work their tails off, day and night, every day and night, and admit they need to change. They do not blame others for their own dysfunction.

    We all were getting ill by our abusive adult children. We have to let go and be as healthy as we can for ourselves and for those who care for us. It is OUR time. Most of us here are 50's and 60's and we earned the right to have a peaceful, loving rest-of-our-lives. Toxic people can literally KILL us with stress...high blood pressure, ulcers, constant misery...it is not helping anyone, including our dysfunctional adult children, if we get sick. And how does it help anyone if we die younger than necessary because we let a dysfunctional peron whom we love eat at our soul? We must not allow this. It happens way too often.

    Detach, detach, detach. Detach from toxicity and don't think you or anyone can change another person who does not want to be changed. Do not believe in fairytales. Stay calm and live in the present moment. Don't get all excited if one positive event happens with borderline daughter...it is likely a deliberate attempt to make you happy so that the fall will be harder and faster. Be cautious with your heart. Do t he things you love to do with those who treat you with respect and kindness. Reject meanness. Reject games. Remember: Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life and the rest of your life is YOUR story to write. It will be what YOU write there, not what anyone else writes. Your kids are adults now. They are writing their own stories. Nobody can write a story for somebody else.

    We are always here to "talk" to...24/7 and even on Christmas (a hard time for a lot of us).

    I am strong from overcoming my weakness and by listening to wiser minds than my own. Had I not listened to others, I would still be crying in my soup because some people didn't like me, including one of my children, my evil mother, my borderline, lifelong eating disordered sister, my clueless brother... and I would not so GREATLY appreciate those I have who care for me, and the serene life I live. NOBODY WILL TAKE MY GIFTS FROM ME EVER AGAIN. Just say "no" to toxic people and say "yes" to happiness for yourself.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2015
  19. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Hi there Detach, detach, detach! This is a hard road and I must take it. I have fear in my stomach but hope it will bring me some peace. I want a normal life but was in normal? Thank you for everything. I will try not to call or message her even though it will hurt me not to hear about my darling grand daughter. Thanks x
     
  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Normal is living your own life without daily fights and strife and meanness.

    Your daughter is not going to share about your granddaughter anyway, except to say things which will hurt you.

    This granddaughter will be held hostage from you until she is old enough to do what she wants to do. My son who left us has never allowed us to see his children so I go on and love my grandkids I can see. I can't force him to let me see them and I won't let him emotionally slay me. Maybe someday the husband will leave your daughter and then let you see your granddaughter.

    Right now, you have to take care of yourself. I would stay away from daughter at all costs.

    It's not easy at first. Believe it or not, your life eventually gets better without the toxic person controlling you. This is temporary until you get help and learn how to deal with a twisted mind.


    Lots and lots of peace and hugs!!!