What I did regarding husband...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Kjs, Jan 12, 2010.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    If you follow my story at all, husband's father was an alcoholic, beat the kids. his mother left when he was three. Doesn't have memory of her. His father remarried two years later. He loved his step mother. He says such wonderful things about the short time he was with her. She too lived in the abuse. They had two little girls, husband's half sisters. The girls were only 1 and 3(I think) when his step mom left with the girls. husband said he never saw them again. His father died in a car accident after that and husband lived with a friend.

    I knew his half sisters name. I found her on facebook. I debated whether to tell her about the death or not. I did. I decided what she wanted to do would be up to her. I just informed her.

    OMG...we have been talking ever since. Her mother is alive and well. She said her mother divorced but stayed in the house for an entire year hoping their father would leave. Step mom didn't want to leave husband. (husband often said he didn't understand why she left him there. He wanted to go with her) That was 50 years ago. She was only step mom. She couldn't take him. Half sister said they lived with her mothers parents. A lot to that story. Anyway. I told her about husband and his brother (her brothers) asked about her sister and mom(who husband adores) She told me today she was planning on going to Canada for the funeral, but ran into a brick wall with the passport thing. husband hasn't seen her in 50 years. He thought they blamed him for his fathers actions. He always wondered and hoped they were ok and happy. I don't know how husband would of dealt with that. He never talks about growing up and the abuse. I learned all that from his brother. The sisters I learned about from an uncle who has since passed away. It is like husband shut the doors on his life back then and never looked back. Like that time never existed.

    Anyway, sister told me they sent flowers. Said she wants to stay in touch. husband is not a computer guy. Can't click a mouse....There is so much family information I found out this past week it is amazing. I am afraid to lay it all on husband though. He never opened up about his life from back then. How do I tell him his step mom has thought of him? vice versa. How do I tell him his sisters want to get in touch. Wanted to be at the funeral? It's been 50 years...is that too long to re-connect? He has two nephews. irrantically almost identical names as our boys. Almost the same age too. 1 year difference in youngest, 6 yrs in oldest.

    Since husband has not opened up about his past, all I ever had to go on was what his brother told me. And he was very bitter. Maybe I assumed too much. Wow. what a week.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    If husband's step-mother was someone he cared for and was the one bright spot in their lives...I can't imagine him not wanting to know that they are at least out there and care about him, and always have.

    All you can do is share the info and let him take the lead. And he's likely going to see the flowers and if they are collectively from step-mom and sisters, there might be a little bell go off in his head then. Be prepared for a roller coaster of emotion, tho.

    Maybe something good can come of all this chaos.

    Hugs to you all.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    in my opinion you NEED to tell him. He can write letters, or maybe this will spur him to learn how to click a mouse. NO ONE is too old to learn if my adopted Gma could learn to Facebook at age 87. (We had NO idea she had that wild a life before she married, LOL! LOTS of men who dated her are touching base. It is cute.)

    Anyway, this is a lot of love to connect to. He probably has some abandonment issues and knowing step mom loved him and did NOT want to leave him may help. Just reconnecting will bring up a lot of old feelings but he will learn to handle them.

    NO WAY do I think you should keep this a secret from him. Wouldn't YOU want to know if it was your family?
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Like Susie said, there's always snail mail, and I see no reason why the sisters shouldn't write to him to let him know that they knew of his brother's death, that they would have been there, and that could be the jumping off point for a new conversation about where everybody's at in life and maybe the start of a new relationship with husband. I'd encourage them to write to him. They can give him their phone number and leave the next step in his lap. And he can't stop them from having a relationship with you!
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    What the others have said.
  6. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I always thought my family on my fathers side must be like him. Wacked out. i also thought they didn't care about me. 35 years later and I'm busy building wonderful relationships with several family members that actually are pretty fantastic people. They FEEL like family.
    I too think you should pass this info along to your husband. There is snail mail. You could type for him online if he wanted and read their responses to him. There is very cheap long distance plans out there, or prepaid phone cards.
    I don't think it ever has to be too late to form a relationship of sorts with a family member if it is a healthy contact. We never grow too old that we stop wanting love and a family. Especially us survivors of messed up families growing up. I am betting your husband is no different.
  7. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I just want to clarify. I have not kept any of this from husband. He knows I found her. He knows I notified her of brothers death. He knows of our conversations. I just wanted to give him some time to recover before I tell him about meeting her. He just got home from Canada last night. Just the meeting part I thought I would hold off on because he was so overwhelmed.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well, I think since you have told him and have not gotten a poor reaction - I would invite them all to meet in a neutral yet private place and then be available but let THEM reunite in their own way.

    If he hasn't had any adverse reaction yet? It's probably a good sign. I think it could be a very good thing for him to know that his MOM (not his STEP Mom, not THEIR Mother =HIS MOM - a Mom is who raises and loves you) tells him herself and they NEED a reunion. He needs this closure in his life.

    How likely would that possibility be?
  9. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Well, sister wanted to plan a trip to our area with friends. Didn't mention bringing mom. I believe husband would love to see "mom". He really loves that woman and said she did what she had to do.
  10. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    Actually, Star, I don't think this would be "closure" in his life - hopefully, it will be more like a "re-opening."

    Good luck and I hope he chooses to see them.