Thank you Dee. I appreciate your concern and your compassion. The animal control police person we spoke to told us to call him on Wed. after the next hearing to see what our options are. He called my daughter in the jail and spoke to her and apparently because they are her cats and she doesn't want them surrendered, at least for the moment, we are bound by what she wants. If I had not picked up the car with the cats in it, I think that would have been a different story. It may all change on Tuesday. The cop we spoke to about the cats doesn't think my daughter will get out of jail on Tuesday because she is, in his interpretation, a "transient." Yikes. I talked to my daughter's Dad and he doesn't think she will get out either. I can't take off any more work right now, it's a busy month for me, but my fiancee is going to go to the hearing on Tuesday. The jail is about an hour away. The cats are still in the car. The older one still in the bathroom. Not ideal, but I feel a tad better about it now, I think a couple of nights sleep, my venting at my daughter on Friday, lots of support from my dear girlfriends yesterday, and some down time, all helped to bring balance back. As a therapist of mine used to say all the time,"it is what it is." In my therapy support group for Codependents on Thursday night, the therapist told me that all the sadness I felt about the recognition that no matter what I do, I cannot make any difference in my daughters life, is acceptance. Each day that acceptance grows. The acceptance has removed the anguish I have always felt about my daughter and her plight. I feel empathy for her, but the depth of heartache is diminishing. I have needed to establish detachment, I've been striving for that for years, but until I let go of the guilt and responsibility for her, I was connected to her in a negative unhealthy way. The last few months have been tough, and I have made some hard choices around letting her go, but that has liberated me in many ways. It's been very helpful to read your stories, so like mine, and realize that I'm not alone and that I can make a different choice. Makes me think of that adage, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Well, I think I've been insane long enough. I think what's been the most difficult thing to let go of is that my daughter is not mentally stable and has, in fact, had many, many heartbreaking losses, the suicide of her husband 12 years ago, her 2 step daughters being removed from her care (and rightly so, she was not capable of being a good parent) my going to court to have my granddaughter taken from her and given to me as permanent legal guardian, the loss of her job, her home, her friends and really, that entire life. She orchestrated most of that, I know, but my heart just broke for her. That kept me tied to her, thinking I could help her. Now I realize that her only way out, should she take it, is if she finds her own way out. I can't help her anymore. And, she is such a difficult person to be around, so angry and blaming, and really treats me with disdain, I had to recognize the truth of the matter and not see what I want to see, but see what really is. That's taken some time, she is my only child. I have made some serious enabling mistakes, but I also see that even though that's true, she is the one who has to heal herself now. As my therapist just pointed out to me, I grew up with some very serious issues with a bi-polar father and a depressed mother, and I was the one who had to go to therapy and do whatever it took to heal myself, it was my responsibility. So, now it is my daughters responsibility. It's not perfect, but it is real and it is what is. Detachment is the key to letting go of codependency. Acceptance is the goal. Not an easy path, that's for sure. It really takes a lot of support, something I, as a codependent, did not do a good job of attaining for myself. However, now that is not the case, now I have a legion of folks around me, and that support gives me the courage and the commitment to make the necessary changes. I feel better. I don't know what my daughter's fate is. I pray that she has an epiphany, I pray that she opens her heart and lets all the pain out, the grief, and begins to heal from all the losses she has sustained, I pray that she can have a healthy fulfilling life and find joy. And, I finally realize that she may not do any of that, she may be one of these people who is in and out of jail, homeless, on the fringe of life, just hanging on. God, I hate that, but I have to face reality here. It's out of my hands, I am powerless, I have no control. Whew. Thank you for listening. Thanks for your responses, you've all helped me. God bless.
